Nutri-Grain Rehab

Man: Bye honey! No time for breakfast, I’ve got to go to work!


Honey: oh, you can’t go to work without breakfast! Here, have a NutriGrain Bar!


(Honey tosses a NutriGrain Bar to the Man)


Man: well…(looking at the NutriGrain Bar) ….maybe I can stay for a while…


(the man’s eyes sparkle with the NutriGrain wrapping)

(scene cuts to the man with 12 boxes of NutriGrains out on the kitchen table, and he’s jamming the bars in his mouth, making a mess everywhere. Under his face, there’s NutriGrain wrappers and huge pieces of NutriGrains mixed in. He keeps taking handfuls of it, wrappers included, and keeps shoving it in his mouth, and stuff falls every time he chews. He repeatedly opens new bars and shoves them in, too)


Honey (off screen): You’re still here? I gave you that NutriGrain bar 3 hours ago-OH MY GOD!


(Honey comes into the kitchen)

(Man is foaming at the mouth, his face is laying in the NutriGrain mess)


Man: help……………


Honey: Man, I think you’ve got an addiction to NutriGrain. You need help.


(scene cuts to a secretary-type woman)


Secretary: has this happened to you more than once? We have noticed an alarming increase in NutriGrain related addictions and death. We have opened NutriGrain Rehab, sponsored only 10% by the NutriGrain company and Kellogg’s, which reminds us they have a double g, for double gay, I might add. Those greedy bastards put people’s lives in turmoil and only sponsor us 10% making us make people pay out of their own pockets to get rid of their addictions.


(a CEO-looking kinda guy comes out of nowhere)


CEO: so, if you need help, please call us. 1-800-Get-Rid-of-NutriGrain


The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation…

Fun fact: davepoobond actually did this for a class assignment, and it was supposed to be done in front of class (which it was done)

The full title of this commercial is “The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples: Without the 6th Amendment”



davepoobond – criminal

Greg – cop

Brian – narrator, bubba


Cop: stop! You’re under arrest!


Criminal: I didn’t do anything!


Narrator: this seems to be normal at this point, but…


Cop: ha! Got you!


(cop puts handcuffs on criminal)


Criminal: hey! This isn’t fair! I didn’t do anything


Cop: ya, ya. Tell it to your future boyfriend Bubba, cause you gettin it anal in prison, we lockin’ you up loooong time. Hope you like tossed salad.


Criminal: Don’t I get a trial or something


Cop: TRIAL! HAHAAHAHA! What the hell are you talkin’ about, boy?


Criminal: Dammit! You can’t do this to me! I’m a 30-second Cotton Candy Maker Seller!


Narrator: Imagine a world with no free trials. No being informed of the charges against you when you’re arrested, and no lawyers because they aren’t needed much anymore. That’s what the 6th Amendment does for us.


(really fast)

Funded by the We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples


(scene goes to a jail cell)


Criminal: hi, how are you?


Bubba: you’re my new boyfriend


Criminal: ah man…




What To Do About Mrs. Larkin: Operation Dump the Chump

Scene 1: Discussion

Mr. Rogers: That Mrs. Larkin, she’s a weird one…

Officer Squank: I really think that Mrs. Larkin is very, very, very, very, very, veerrryy “strange”

Officer Fuzzy: Yes, she’s veeerrryyy weird

Mr. Rogers: Maybe you should go do something about it

Officer Squank: NAAAH!

Officer Fuzzy: She used to be not so weird

Officer Squank: Yep…

Mr. Rogers: I liked her…

Officer Fuzzy: WHAT?!

Mr. Rogers: Uhh, sorry. Never mind…

Officer Fuzzy: Her husband, Roger, died in a car accident. A stupid tree fell on him. He shoulda seen it coming! You gotta be an idiot to not see a tree falling down and just go on like a regular day. Ever since that she has been weird. Oh well…

Mr. Rogers: Quack! …Excuse me!

Officer Squank: She has a messy garden

Officer Fuzzy: Garden? What garden? I thought that was a jungle….oh uh….yes, she does, I guess…I wonder if there are any mangos in there….mmm mangos…..

Mr. Rogers: I hate gardens……yes

Officer Fuzzy: She’s a nut, now. A nut that stays in a stupid jung….er garden the whole day!

Mr. Rogers: I like asparagus…yes

Officer Squank: Oh…

Mr. Rogers: Wanna know….a secret….yes

Officer Squank: Sure…fine….whatever

Mr. Rogers: I’m her husband…yes

(Officer Squank gasps)

Scene 2: The Truth Unvealed

Mr. Rogers: She was annoying…yes

Officer Fuzzy: I thought you were dead!

Mr. Rogers: Well…no…I actually cut down the tree, so that the tree could fall down on her….but I just happen to be in the car at the wrong time…..I tried to dump the chump, they call “my wife”….yes

Officer Squank: I thought you were actually happy being with the nut

Mr. Rogers: Well, I was, when she was actually active, but when she got to be an old hag, I had to “dump the chump.” I could get some other fresh meat…or, to you, girls….yes

Officer Squank: You suck

Mr. Rogers: No, I don’t. I want to fly! Fly, fly, fly, fly, FLY!!!

(Mr. Rogers goes over and jumps off a cliff)

Officer Squank: Well, I guess he’s dead now….

Officer Fuzzy: Yeah, I guess

Officer Squank: Want some donuts? Maybe we can hold up a donut shops with our guns

(Officer Squank holds his gun up and starts laughing)

Officer Squank: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!



Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm

(Chuck E. Cheese is in a suit, in “his office.” The camera pans past all of the people working for the law firm in a close up. There’s a bookshelf full of law books and books on how to exchange Chuck E. Cheese tokens to different kinds of money. Chuck E. Cheese tightens his tie, and places his hands behind his back, standing in front of his desk)


Chuck E. Cheese: hello, I’m Chuck E. Cheese! And here at Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm, we are committed to proving your innocence or if you wanted, your guiltiness. We take all cases, and have a 100% success rating, give or take 100%. Our approval rating is 1000%!Because people not even needing us like us! Because if you lose, or if you’re not satisfied with our service, we will send you a hooker – for free!


(camera switches to Birdy)


Birdy: hi, I’m the hooker, Birdy! I do guys and girls. Don’t worry, I’m clean. I take showers daily! I used to do the stage show with Chuck E. Cheese when we were a band, but that was until Chuck E. Cheese’s became bankrupt and we were left with billions and billions of Chuck E. Cheese tokens minted every year since 1960. The only use for me was being a hooker, cause I’m a stupid stupid bitch!


Chuck E. Cheese: let’s hear some customer testimonies!


(scene cuts to a guy behind bars)


Joe: thanks Chuck E. Cheese’s Law Firm! Since they did such a piss poor job of defending me against shoplifting, I actually got found guilty for Murder of the First Degree, but they sent Birdy over and I got Hepatitis C! No one is gonna screw ME in jail!


Chuck E. Cheese: yes, even if you get found guilty, we keep on helping


“Rich” Guy: I won 3 billion dollars in Chuck E. Cheese tokens! Yaaaahhoooo!! Thanks Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm for getting me out of my child abuse allegations.


Kid: hey dad, can I-


(“Rich” Guy takes out a bat and starts beating the kid)




(cuts to Chuck E. Cheese again)


Chuck E. Cheese: When you win, you win BIG!


Birdy: oh yeah!


Elephant: hi


Chuck E. Cheese: what the hell is that?




Crusty French Bread

Pierre: ello. I am Pierre, le lumberjack! Unt I loveeee Crusty French Bread.


Announcer: yes, you heard it from Pierre the Lumberjack, folks! Crusty French Bread is good. He’s French for cryin’ out loud!


Pierre: unt it is so healthy for you, it should be called “I can’t believe it’s not bread!”


Announcer: actually, its not bread


Pierre: Vat!? Vat is this?


Announcer: its actually made out of soy! You’ll be amazed what soy can be made into these days! From cardboard to mustard to xylophones! And you can’t tell the difference!


Pierre: vat da hell!? This makes me mad!


(Pierre starts his chainsaw)


Pierre: can’t you see that soy tastes like ass!? Hot dogs shouldn’t taste like soy, nor chicken nuggets which are made of soy!


Announcer: don’t get mad at me! Get mad at SoyCo! They made all that tasteless crap that makes you wanna barf!


Pierre: grrarrrh!


(Pierre waves his chainsaw in the air)


Pierre: dieee, SoyCo!


(Pierre stops waving his chainsaw, then takes a big bite out of the Crusty French Bread)


Pierre: now that I know its soy, you can obviously taste it! What a piece of shit!


Announcer: yes you can, Pierre, yes you can


Pierre: I can also taste your MOM in it


Announcer: what the hell? You shithead!


(Pierre and Announcer bitchslap fight)




I-Rental Man: hello, I am the I-Rental Man. Have you come under a tragic event in which you lost your eye? Or eyes for that fact? Well, I have a proposition for you.


(I-Rental walks next to a case)


I-Rental: here at I-Rental, we can solve your problems. Instead of living with no eyes or getting a glass eye, bring in your busted eyes, and we’ll let you rent some of our very own reconstructed eyes.


(I-Rental Man pats the case)


I-Rental Man: Yessir, in here we have all the colors of the rainbow and more. Best of all, you don’t need to take any medicine and your new eyes work instantly. You just pop them in and that’s it! All for a very low price of $100 a month. That’s only about $13 a day. No amount of money is worth your eyesight. And this month we’re having a special. When you get your first pair of eyes, you can rent more pairs of eyes for $37.99 more, per pair!!! Try it out!




Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy and Pals Episode 1 – LSD

This was actually done in real life for a presentation in Health, so it was meant to have actually been done in real life, which it was and Little Puppy Rosy is a Taco Bell Chihauhau toy. However, it was lost, so there is no copy of the video anywhere.

Puppy: Hi, I’m Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy, and I’m here today to teach you about LSD…with the help of my buddies: Larry, the drugged up bear-


Larry: Moo!


Puppy: -and, The Predator!


Predator: Rrrrn…


Puppy: My friends and I are going to go around town and ask random people about LSD and its effects


(Wait 5 seconds)

(Squeeze the puppy so its says “How cool is this”)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Note: butt butt is stimpyismyname’s older brother)

(butt butt is in a car)

(Run up to him)


Puppy: What do you know about LSD?


butt butt: Oh! You mean Lysergic Acid Diethylamide? Sure, I know lots of stuff!


Puppy: Like what?


butt butt: Well, first of all, when you take it, it is called “dropping acid,” and its nickname is “acid”


Puppy: So what? What’s bad about it?


butt butt (looking up): You unintelligent miscreant! You get tension, chills, fever, trembling, a loss of appetite and nausea when you “drop” it!


Puppy: Thank you!


(Throw puppy, then fade out)

(Fade in)

(Andy is in car. Run up to him)


Andy: Whee! Driving!


Puppy: Hello, kind sir. Would you tell us something about LSD?


Andy: No!


(Turn away from Andy)


Puppy: There is no one to talk to about LSD. Hey, wait! There’s Raphael the LSD scientist


(Note: Raphael is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael, and is wearing a space suit)

(Run over to Raphael)


Puppy: Hey, aren’t you Raphael, the famous LSD scientist?


Raphael: Yes, I am, I know everything about LSD.


Puppy: Do you know who discovered it?


Raphael: Yes I do, it is Albert Hoffman


Puppy: Wow, what happened to him?


Raphael: he died, because he drank LSD and had an extremely bad trip


Puppy: How do you take LSD and what are its effects?


Raphael: LSD is usually placed on foods such as sugar cubes and gelatin and eaten. Abusers say it makes their senses sharper and that ideas float through their minds, but they can’t act on them.


Puppy: oh…so that’s the reason why Larry has been seeing all those dancing penguins with lollipops


Raphael: Yes, Puppy, it is a proven fact, it is from LSD. An LSD trip can be as long as 6 to 8 hours.


Puppy: What happens when you have a “bad trip?”


Raphael: Hmm…oh yeah! It can increase anxiety, a person already had and causes a mental breakdown. Some people may feel depressed, anxious, and unreal for days after a trip. A lot of abusers have flashbacks which are when the effect of LSD returns days or months after a trip.


(Note: Raphael 2 is a “naked” Raphael, with only a belt on kinda)

(Raphael 2 enters)


Raphael 2: Hey! Wait a second, you’re the guy that took my clothes, you’re not a real LSD scientist, you’re just an LSD abuser that got out of his cage!


Raphael: Uh uh uh….(Looks around) bye (runs away)


Puppy: So wait a minute, your the real LSD scientist?


Raphael 2: You bet your pants I am!


Puppy: I have no pants!


(Wait a while)


Raphael 2: k…bye


(Fade out)

(Fade in with Larry, Puppy and Predator)


Puppy: ok, kiddies now we’re going to recreate what it would be like if someone actually took LSD


Larry: whee!


Predator: Rrrrr….


(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Larry and Predator walk up to Blue)


Larry: Yo, buddy. Got any Lysergic Acid Diethylamide?


Blue: What you talkin’ bout? I know you ain’t talkin’ ‘bout my momma!


Larry: No no no, man. I just want some LSD!


Blue: Oh ok. Here ya go


(Move arm up with big dropper and give it to Larry)


Larry: How much for it, dude?


Blue: Free, because I’m an idiot!


(Let go of Blue)


Larry: Ohhhk…


(Predator jumps up and down on him and they walk away)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)


Larry: Yo, Predator, you wanna drop it first?


Predator: Rrr….


(Predator lays down, face up, close up on his face and drop “LSD” on his face, zoom out)


Predator: Rrr! Rrr!! (Flies away)


(Have a bunch of random scenes)


(Note: these were the random scenes: a dueling pair of feet with both guys saying “engarde” and “touché”, a mosh pit with Rage Against The Machine music playing, Homer Simpson and Predator fighting, and another Taco Bell Chihauhau that had a rose in its mouth and said “I think I’m in love,” a pause, and then Predator knocking over the dog)


(Afterwards, have Predator laying on the bed, then stand up)


Larry: whoa man, LSD is messed up, I never wanna do that stuff


(A bunch of drops fall on Larry)


Larry: Predator…


Predator (laughing): rrr rrr rrr rrr!


(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Same place and same order as in the beginning)


Puppy: Well, kids, I hope you learned the LSD is bad because it has long term affects on your body.


Larry: Uhh….yeah


Puppy: See you next time, when we talk about sniffing dogs and how it ruins your life. Bye!


Larry: bye


Predator: Rrr…


(They all wave)




The End


real credits, were somewhere along the lines of…

davepoobond – Wrote script, helped think up script. Voice of: Puppy, Blue

elmoisfurry – Helped think up script, camera, voice of: Larry, Predator

butt butt – Raphael, Raphael 2, Andy


Bad Vacation Agency

Secretary: hello there, I’m Betsy Watson and I work for Bad Vacation Agency. Would you like to have an EXTREMELY bad vacation? Or would you like us to forcefully abduct someone and put them on a bad vacation as well? We have a database that can instantly find your worst vacation, according to these “levels” of badness:







Very Bad

Extremely Bad

Jammed In a Closet

And the kind of vacation that’d be exactly like being stuck in Hiroshima at the time of the atomic bomb exploding on your pale assssssssssss!


Secretary: yes, that’s right. So call 1-800-I-or-a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-go-to-hell or just dial 0 and ask for your mom. See you on your worst vacation ever!


(secretary waves, and camera focuses out, and you can see people hanging from ropes off the ceilings and chained to the walls)


Secretary: no matter what, we’ll STILL have room for you


(secretary winks)



Jam Jam Cam

(a stupid guy is breakdancing)


Stupid Guy: haha! Yeah!


(Stupid Guy stops, and walks over to the camera)


Stupid Guy: wasn’t that stupendous?


(Stupid Guy dances)


Stupid Guy: Hi, I’m Stupid Guy, and I’m here to tell you about my new invention! Jam jam Cam! Its so cool, it makes you look like you’re dancing, when you really aren’t! And it adds music to it too. Let’s look at the same thing I was doing, but with a regular camera!


(it goes to a reg. camera shot, and it has Stupid Guy doing jumping jacks and rolling around on the floor, and running into a wall)


Stupid Guy: If you do a lot worse than me, and would like to look good doing something else when you really want it, get this product. Let’s hear some testimonials!


Loser: I was doing the robot, but the Jam Jam Cam turned my loser Robot dance into a freak dance with a hot girl I never saw before! It was cool…


Woman: I was doing the funky chicken, and the Jam Jam Cam turned it into a Conga line with hot men boning me in my ass!


Stupid Guy: wouldn’t you like that to happen to YOU?


Loser: Yes, I would!


Woman: You can bet on it!


Stupid Guy: You heard from real-life customers that we payed to say something good about this product! Why not buy yours today?


(Stupid Guy starts dancing)


Stupid Guy: you may actually learn how to REALLY dance


(Stupid Guy is actually crawling around on the floor in a pink tutu, kicking at the air)




Pencil Eraser

(A guy walks in front of the camera and bows, holding a pencil)

(The guy sits on a chair and rubs the eraser on the desk, slowly)

(The camera zooms in on the pencil, watching it erase)

(It stays like that until the eraser is gone, an hour and a half later)

(The camera zooms out, the guy bows, then leaves)



Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety

davepoobond: Hello, my name is davepoobond, and I’m here to tell you about my new product, Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety. This Anti-Anxiety medicine is very easy to take. All you have to do is pick up a box from a pharmacy. You don’t have to have a prescription to take this medicine, since you can’t be legally diagnosed for having anxiety. You know when you have it, and if you have too much to bare, Anti-Anxiety can help you get it down and make you feel better. The Anti-Anxiety medicine is in a powder-form in packets so you can put it in a drink and drink it. They are carefully measured out, and you should not have more than one at a time, but who’s stopping you? After two days of not feeling any better, you can take it again and keep repeating that pattern for up to two weeks. If you don’t feel any better from the anxiety, stop using it, it won’t do any good for you, or don’t we don’t care wink wink. This medicine is FDA approved, so you don’t have to worry about it being bad wink wink.


The Jester Guild Union



Mr.: the who?




Mr.: oh, what do u do?




Mr.: uh…..sure…




Life Insurance – for those “special occasions” that someone will jump out of a tree and shoot you with a shotgun

Dental Insurance – needed for those “special occasions” when people punch you, a lot

Company Car – an Oldsmobile, because Oldsmobiles are annoying, just like you!

And much more!


Announcer guy: remember folks! if you’re annoying and/or psychotic, call 1-800-ANNOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ll protect you from going back to the looney bin, with our ultra special lawyers!


(a lawyer dressed up as a clown talking in German, is waving a briefcase)



Ghostwroter Episode 1

(theme song)

Jump: Hellooooo!


Everyone else: Hello hello hello!


Ghostwroter (flies through the air): Whoosh!


Hop: Now its time


Skip: To say hello,


Gallop: Hi,


Run: Ollah!


Walk: Moo!


Jump: We’re a bunch of losers, with no families,


Hop: That’s why we have the gift, of talking to a big green glob that flies!


Skip: As well as poos-


Gallop: And pees!


Run: Peas not peeeeees!


(Everyone starts punching each other, a big title appearing over their heads. They stop and jump, screaming)


Everyone: GHOSTWROTER!!!


(Ghostwroter flies across the screen revealing the episode’s name)


Don’t Go To Austrailia!


Jump: Hey, guys


Everyone else: Hi, Jump!


Ghostwroter (flies through the air) spells out: Helloooo!


Jump: I’m sorry guys, I have to move to Austrailia with my parents…


Skip (patting Jump on the back): Its ok, Jump. I understand…can I have your money?


Hop: Wait a minute! *I* want his money!


Gallop: What are you guys talking about? We’re all piss broke, and he doesn’t even have parents!! (points at Jump, accusingly)


Jump (looking around): Um um um um um um um…


Gallop: We live in the same cardboard box, together!


Jump: That’s it! You die NOW!!


(Jump jumps after Gallop, but he gallops away)


Jump: I hate my name, I always have to jump wherever I go because of it


Ghostwroter spells out: Its ok, Jump. Write me a message!


Jump: Ok…


(Jump writes “You SUCK” on the floor)


Jump: THERE! Ya HAPPY?! I don’t see why we have a green glob instead of a FUCKING HOUSE!


Skip: He’s cute, that’s why


(Jump blinks a few times)


Jump: He doesn’t have a fuckin’ face!!!


Run: So?


Walk: I still love him!


(Walk hugs Ghostwroter)


Everyone except Jump: Awwww!!


Jump (smacks his head): How’d I get stuck with you losers, anyhow?


Run: Remember? Our parents were all seperated at birth and then when they had us they all said “we don’t like children” so they dumped us in a cardboard box in New York with Ghostwroter. Plus, we got these nifty pens!


(Run waves the pen he has in the air)


Jump (looking at his own pen): ………………………………………………………………oh yeah………..


Run: I’m hungry, what do we have in our pickle jar?


Gallop: Well, we have a parrot’s head, a calculator and a street sign


Run: I’ll take the street sign


(Gallop gives him the street sign and Run starts eating it)


Walk: Ok, we have to find a way to find out whether we’re girls or boys


Jump: I know I’m a boy


Ghostwroter spells out: I’m a glob


Walk: I’m a girl


Gallop: I’m a boy


Run: I’m a boy


Skip: I’m a girl


Hop: I’m a bisexual transvestite


(everyone looks at Hop)


Hop (looking from side to side): What? oh…I’m a girl……yeah, that’s it


Jump: Ok


Gallop: So, how about them Dodgers?


Walk: We live in New York


Run: So?


Walk: They’re in LA………




Ghostwroter spells out: Hahahahahahahahahaha




Cliploc Bags

Cow: moo.


(Cow chews some grass)


Cow: moo moo moo, moo moo? Moo moo moo moo moo. Moo. Moo moo moo, moo moo


(Cow chews some grass again)


Cow: moo moo moo moo, moo-


Farmer (off screen): Bessy! Are you making commercials again?!?


Cow: moo!!!


Farmer: Bessy, I told you…


(Farmer walks next to the cow)


Farmer: now, you have to die


Cow: moo!!!!!!!


(Farmer stabs the cow with a sword)



Jack in the Crack

Jack: hi. I’m Jack. You may wonder why I have a ridiculous plastic ball on my head, and a party hat on top of that. But I’ll tell you something…


(Jack walks to the right)


Jack: hi, I’m Jack. I have an airplane, and a football team. We make lots of good, quality fast food. As good as fast food will get anyway. But as long as its better than McDonalds, I’d guess it is better quality anyway, even if we took a crap on it. All our food is made with 100% crack cocaine, and we made different types of food with it. Crack Taco Shells, Crack Cheese, Crack Beef, Crack Lettuce, just to name a few.


(Jack picks up a crack pipe)


Jack: ah, nature’s fruits of labor…and remember, we don’t crack it, ’till you jack-it!”