Anne Frank: Not Remembered Too Well

(scene fades in with an old grandpa sitting on a comfy chair)

(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

Old Grandpa: Now, now, Fred, Alyssa! Be nice! I’m trying to dream about me and what Viagra does to me!

(Fred and Alyssa stop beating each other up, and look at the old grandpa)

Fred: Shut up, you old geezer!

Alyssa: yeah! or I’ll change my name to Jessica!

(no one says anything for 10 seconds)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you spoiled brats a story, if you shut your damn traps!

Fred: What’s it about?

Old Grandpa: If you sit your skinny little boney asses down in front of me, I’ll tell it to you!

(Fred and Alyssa sit down in front of Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa (starting to rock back and forth in the chair): now then….which story to tell…

Fred: That’s not a rocking chair grandpa…

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred in the head with his cane)

Old Grandpa: I’M ROCKING IN THE DAMN CHAIR, WHICH MEANS THIS IS A ROCKING CHAIR! YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY OR NOT!?

Fred (rubbing her head): sorry grandpa…

Old Grandpa: ok…have you heard the story of Anne Frank?

Alyssa (shrugging and has a weird look on his face): Anne Frank? Frank as in hot dog?

(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the ribs, and Alyssa rubs his ribs)

Old Grandpa: Frank is not a hot dog. Frank is Anne’s last name. Let’s see now…where to begin. I guess the beginning is good….

(the scene is distorted as Old Grandpa, Fred, and Alyssa disappear, being replaced by a scene in a hospital, with Anne’s mother screaming, and Anne’s father holding her hand)

Mr. Frank: BREATHE! BREATHE!

Mrs. Frank: YOU BASTARD! I CANT BELIEVE YOU GOT ME PREGNANT! DIDNT I TELL YOU TO USE A CONDOM?! DIDNT I!? DIDNT IIIIII?!?! I CANT BELIEVE-

(the scene cuts back to Fred’s face)

Fred: ewwww! Don’t talk about that, grandpa! That’s really nasty!

(Old Grandpa, poke’s Fred in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: eh! WHO’S TELLING THE STORY HERE? Fine, I guess you kids are too young for that part anyway…

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin)

Old Grandpa: now…Anne was in her house with her parents. And she was smack dab in the middle of a World War. I forget which one, since they were both alike. They were against the Nazis. We won. But I’m getting ahead of myself

(the scene wiggles around, going to Anne)

Old Grandpa: Anne loved to read, and write. Too bad she didn’t know how to do either!

(Anne was taking a pencil and scribbling stuff down into her secret diary)

Old Grandpa: She had her own secret diary. Full of little things that she copied from other books. Since she couldn’t read or anything like that, she had trace the words into her diary, and one by one, she tossed them all in a sentence, writing it down on a piece of paper, and made it sound like crap, even though she didnt know what she was saying.

(the camera angle goes down, so you can see Anne’s secret diary)

Old Grandpa: On the secret diary, were such nonsense sentences such as, “The kitty rolled down the hill, then Jack climbed a bean stalk.” As you can see, Anne was a retard when it came to reading and writing. Don’t ask her to go to school, because she has no legs either-

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa and the kids)

(the camera pans up, looking at Fred and Alyssa’s mom)

Mom: Grandpa, that’s not how the story goes. Anne had legs!

Old Grandpa: baaa! Fine…she really did have legs…but they were actually made of big green globs of-

Mom: Grandpa…….

Old Grandpa: OK OK…fine…she had regular legs. And pretty nice ones-

Mom: GRANDPA!

Old Grandpa: CANT I DREAM OF A LITTLE 14 YEAR OLD GIRL IN MY LAP?!?

Mom: Grandpa, tell the story right!

Old Grandpa: ok ok ok ok! Did I mention Anne was flat-chested?

Mom: Grandpa, if you do that one more time, no more applesauce for you–EVER!

Old Grandpa: no more applesauce? You cruel cruel daughter.

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin again)

Old Grandpa: Anyway…

(squiggly lines again, and it goes back to Anne writing stuff in her book)

Old Grandpa: Anne DID have legs…but she didnt know how to use them, since she was chained up in a box all day. Except when they sent her outside, because they didn’t want to feed her. As you can tell, they didn’t like Anne very much. But the main reason they couldn’t feed her was because they were piss broke. And their main source of money was renting out their older daughter out to weird people, and use her however they pleased….

(you hear Old Grandpa licking his lips)

Old Grandpa: anyway…umm…her father was a hobo, and a pretty damn good one at that! He got at least 5 dollars where ever he went. And his mom didn’t work because all she does is stay home and clean their house. Now, you see how lucky you guys are to be living in this time period where it was actually better. Anyway…Anne was sent outside of her room one day…

(the camera is outside looking at the house from outside. The door opens, and Mr. Frank throws Anne outside the door)

Mr. Frank: –and don’t come back until you get a penny!

Anne (rolling on the ground): Okay dada!

Mr. Frank: STOP CALLING ME DADA!

(Mr. Frank slams the door closed, and the camera pans around Anne, looking in front of her. People are going around sticking each other in car exhaust pipes, and eating car bumpers. Its not a very pretty scene…)

(a crippled girl on stilts makes her way to Anne)

Cripple Girl: hey Anne. How are you?

Anne: I’m fine. How about you?

Cripple Girl (putting her hands on her hips): oh, I’m just crippled as usual!

(Anne and the Cripple Girl start laughing for no apparent reason, Anne is rolling around on the ground because it is “so funny” to her)

Ballerina Man: HELLO! I’M A BALLERINA!

(Ballerina Man jumps around from roof to roof across the street)

The Punisher: I HATE ballerinas!

(The Punisher takes out a shotgun, aiming it at the ballerina man, and shoots out 300 shells, as the ballerina man is jumping around)

Ballerina Man: HAHA! You missed me!

(Ballerina Man jumps again, and twists his knee when he lands, falling onto a clothesline, unraveling off of where it was hanging, wrapping around his neck 3 times, choking him to death, as he fell to the ground, breaking his back, “opening up a can of spinal fluid” when he landed, lynched)

The Punisher: nasty.

Old Grandpa: annnnyyway….back to Anne. Anne and the Cripple Girl were great friends. That was, until the Germans made all the Jewish people put yellow stars on their clothes. Cripple Girl didn’t like yellow, and it was sooooooooo last year’s color. Cripple Girl never talked to Anne again….partly because she was attacked by a Siberian tiger that broke her neck by falling out of the sky. Don’t ask why it was raining tigers that day.

(Anne runs up to Mr. Frank, tugging on his shirt sleeve)

Anne: Dada dada! Can I have a new shirt?

(Mr. Frank backhands Anne)

Mr. Frank: NO! You know the rules! Only one shirt for each member of the family! We can’t spend money on CLOTHES…puh!

(Mr. Frank scratches his balls, turning away from Anne)

Mr. Frank (talking to Mrs. Frank): I ran out of ridiculously expensive Winnie the Pooh merchandise that cost more than clothes. I’m going to go buy some more.

Old Grandpa: as you can see, from that, Mr. Frank wasn’t a very good accountant, or knew very well how to manage his money for that matter. He was a complete dumbass.

(Anne is walking out of her house)

Anne: no money, no clothes……what am I living for? I’m a girl for Christ’s sake!

(an army of Nazi soldiers marching through the town)

Nazi Soldiers (chanting, as they are marching): NAZI-NAZI-NAZI-NAZI

(Anne frowns at them)

Anne: I don’t like Nazis, they make me wear last years color!

(Anne picks up a rock and throws it at the commander……………which happens to be Hitler…)

Hitler: UF! (curses in German)

Cripple Girl (walks by Anne): oooh! You really did it now! He’s gonna genocide your asses now! teeheeeheehee!

(Cripple Girl runs away laughing, but is tackled by an uninflated tire, falling down and cracking her skull in half)

Anne: uh oh!

(Anne runs back into the house)

Anne: dada dada dada! I threw a rock at Hitler!

Mr. Frank: You stupid bitch! He’s gonna send us into concentration camps now!

(Mr. Frank beats Anne)

Mrs. Frank: how could I raise such a stupid bitch? Now we’re gonna be slaves for the rest of our lives and never see each other again!

(Mrs. Frank beats on Anne too)

Anne’s Older Sister: yay! We’re never gonna see each other again!

Mr. Frank (growling at Anne’s Older Sister): shouldn’t you be WORKING or something!?

Anne’s Older Sister: yes, sir……

(Hulk Hogan knocks on the door)

Hulk Hogan: OFFICE DEPOT! COME OUT WITH YOUR WINNIE THE POOH MERCHANDISE, OR WE’LL BLOW SHIT UP!

Mr. Frank: SHIT! ITS THE OFFICE DEPOT!

(cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: It was the Gestapo, Grandpa…or the Green Police, that went around getting Jews and junk! You know that!

Grandpa (rubbing his chin): oh yeah……silly me (rolls his eyes)

(back to the front door of Anne’s house, outside)

Hulk Hogan: looks like I’m gonna have to use my…guns….

(Hulk Hogan nods as he pulls his sleeves up, flexing his arms)

Green Police Man 1: Oh yeah, Hulk Hogan is the man!

Hulk Hogan: ain’t I?

(Hulk Hogan punches through the door)

Hulk Hogan: BOOOMMMMMMM!!!

Mr. Frank: RUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But leave Anne here.

(everyone except Anne runs upstairs, jumps through the windows or into the sink)

Dr. Dentist: AYE AYE!

(Green Police Man 2 shoots Dr. Dentist with his gun)

Green Poilce Man 2: stupid idiot…

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Anne! I love you!

(Green Police Man 3 takes a lit menorah and lights him up)

(Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy does a “Home Alone scream” as he burns)

(other miscellaneous people all of a sudden run around the house)

Green Police Man 4: AHAHAH!

(Green Police Man 4 is shooting everyone he can get)

Green Police Man 4: I don’t like Jews, cause Hitler said so!

Green Police Man 5: RELEASE THE BEARS!

(Green Police Man 5 releases the bears……)

Yogi Bear: Hey Boo-boo buddy! Let’s geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet outta this joint!

Boo Boo Bear: Okay Yogi, I’m with you!

(Yogi and Boo Boo do a “character running starting thing” and run away)

(Hitler pops out of the bushes with a mallet and whacks Yogi and Boo Boo in the head)

Hitler: (in German) that’ll show those bears! Stealing the picnic baskets, costed them bastards a costly lesson! Ahahahahah!

(Hulk Hogan pokes at Hitler, whispering into his ear)

Hulk Hogan: This is supposed to be an English movie

Hitler: Oh I’m sorry, since I’m GERMAN and all, I got TOO into my role….just don’t forget who YOU are, Hulk Hogan, and who I am, which is Jerry Springer!

(the people randomly running around all stop and look at them, waving their fists in the air, chanting)

People (chanting): JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Hitler: I think I’ll have my view now, you cannae do this to me, I AM JERRY SPRINGER! THE ULTIMATE TALK SHOW HOST AND USED CAR SALESMAN!

(Hulk Hogan rolls his eyes)

Hulk Hogan: we all know your jobless. Get a job. You’re no more better than a stay-at-home mom changing her panties!

(Hitler bitchslaps Hulk Hogan)

Hitler: GRR!!!

(Hitler and Hulk Hogan get into a wrestling match)

(scene cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: Grandpa…..I’m warning you. I don’t want to have to starve you to death….

Grandpa: I don’t even know why I’m telling this story! I’m just going to get into trouble…..what a way to treat your elders……..can I just end it now?

Mom (fluttering her hand): ok, go ahead and finish it how you want.

Old Grandpa: thank you……………………….(shakes his head sarcastically)

(the scene is distorted again, and its in outer space)

Alien: oop opp erkkk! (translation: WE GONNA CRASH, BITCH!)

(other Aliens run around screaming “oop opp erkkk!” as well)

Old Grandpa: It just so happens that the spaceship crashes in the middle of wherever the heck they were, and blew everything up, so in the end we won. That’s that.

Fred: Won what?

Old Grandpa (sighing): the WAR, what do you THINK!

Alyssa: What happened to Anne Frank?

Old Grandpa: That’s a very good question…

(Old Grandpa thinks of something, and a thought cloud comes out of his head, and he looks at it, smiling)

Old Grandpa: eheh……well……I kinda popped out of her trunk, and………………saved………..her………………….yeah, that’s it…………..but it was in my earlier days, when I could actually walk

(Old Grandpa scratches his head)

Old Grandpa: isn’t it time for bed?

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred and Alyssa in the head with his cane and they pass out)

(end)


Credits:Old Grandpa: Sylvester StaloneFred: Mariah Carey

Alyssa: Steven Segal

Fred and Alyssa’s Mom: Roseanne

Anne Frank: Mike Tyson

Cripple Girl: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Ballerina: Charlie Sheen

Punisher: Michael J. Fox

Mrs. Frank: Rosie o’ donnell

Mr. Frank: Bruce Lee

Green Police Man 1: Taco Bell Chihuahua

Green Police Man 2: Bob Sagat

Green Police Man 3: Oscar De Lahoya

Green Police Man 4: James Vanderbeek

Green Police Man 5: Emilio Estevez

Adolf Hitler: Jerry Springer

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Macauly Culkin

Bears: Yogi Bear, Boo Boo Bear

Dr. Dentist: Tom Cruise

 

Meriman Butlers

Head Butler: hello, I am Head Butler. We, at Meriman Butlers, serve YOU and only YOU. We’re pretty much like your favorite prostitute, because we live with you, eat your food, and only serve you between the hours of 8 am to 8 pm. Anyway, let’s talk about what we could do for you so you could rent us out for a minimum of a year.

 

(Head Butler walks over to a piano and starts playing)

 

Head Butler: not only are we trained in the classical art of music, but also Modern Rock!

 

(curtains behind Head Butler open up, and 4 other butlers are there. 2 have a guitar, 1 has a bass and one is playing the drums. Them and Head Butler start jamming)

 

Head Butler (singing): oh yeah! Oh yeah! I’m playing a piannooooo!

 

(the camera is moving around at different angles, and gets a focus in on the drummer’s bass drum and it says “The Butlers” on it)

 

Head Butler (singing): and we put jelly on your jam and bread on your butter and glass in your milk and we scrub your faucets and flush the sink after you use it and sweep your roof and water your ceiling and just about everything else!

 

(everyone jumps and hits the last note)

 

Head Butler: yeah!

 

(end)

 

Nutri-Grain Rehab

Man: Bye honey! No time for breakfast, I’ve got to go to work!

 

Honey: oh, you can’t go to work without breakfast! Here, have a NutriGrain Bar!

 

(Honey tosses a NutriGrain Bar to the Man)

 

Man: well…(looking at the NutriGrain Bar) ….maybe I can stay for a while…

 

(the man’s eyes sparkle with the NutriGrain wrapping)

(scene cuts to the man with 12 boxes of NutriGrains out on the kitchen table, and he’s jamming the bars in his mouth, making a mess everywhere. Under his face, there’s NutriGrain wrappers and huge pieces of NutriGrains mixed in. He keeps taking handfuls of it, wrappers included, and keeps shoving it in his mouth, and stuff falls every time he chews. He repeatedly opens new bars and shoves them in, too)

 

Honey (off screen): You’re still here? I gave you that NutriGrain bar 3 hours ago-OH MY GOD!

 

(Honey comes into the kitchen)

(Man is foaming at the mouth, his face is laying in the NutriGrain mess)

 

Man: help……..me………

 

Honey: Man, I think you’ve got an addiction to NutriGrain. You need help.

 

(scene cuts to a secretary-type woman)

 

Secretary: has this happened to you more than once? We have noticed an alarming increase in NutriGrain related addictions and death. We have opened NutriGrain Rehab, sponsored only 10% by the NutriGrain company and Kellogg’s, which reminds us they have a double g, for double gay, I might add. Those greedy bastards put people’s lives in turmoil and only sponsor us 10% making us make people pay out of their own pockets to get rid of their addictions.

 

(a CEO-looking kinda guy comes out of nowhere)

 

CEO: so, if you need help, please call us. 1-800-Get-Rid-of-NutriGrain

 

The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation…

Fun fact: davepoobond actually did this for a class assignment, and it was supposed to be done in front of class (which it was done)

The full title of this commercial is “The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples: Without the 6th Amendment”

 


Cast:

davepoobond – criminal

Greg – cop

Brian – narrator, bubba

 

Cop: stop! You’re under arrest!

 

Criminal: I didn’t do anything!

 

Narrator: this seems to be normal at this point, but…

 

Cop: ha! Got you!

 

(cop puts handcuffs on criminal)

 

Criminal: hey! This isn’t fair! I didn’t do anything

 

Cop: ya, ya. Tell it to your future boyfriend Bubba, cause you gettin it anal in prison, we lockin’ you up loooong time. Hope you like tossed salad.

 

Criminal: Don’t I get a trial or something

 

Cop: TRIAL! HAHAAHAHA! What the hell are you talkin’ about, boy?

 

Criminal: Dammit! You can’t do this to me! I’m a 30-second Cotton Candy Maker Seller!

 

Narrator: Imagine a world with no free trials. No being informed of the charges against you when you’re arrested, and no lawyers because they aren’t needed much anymore. That’s what the 6th Amendment does for us.

 

(really fast)

Funded by the We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples

 

(scene goes to a jail cell)

 

Criminal: hi, how are you?

 

Bubba: you’re my new boyfriend

 

Criminal: ah man…

 

(end)

 

What To Do About Mrs. Larkin: Operation Dump the Chump

Scene 1: Discussion

Mr. Rogers: That Mrs. Larkin, she’s a weird one…

Officer Squank: I really think that Mrs. Larkin is very, very, very, very, very, veerrryy “strange”

Officer Fuzzy: Yes, she’s veeerrryyy weird

Mr. Rogers: Maybe you should go do something about it

Officer Squank: NAAAH!

Officer Fuzzy: She used to be not so weird

Officer Squank: Yep…

Mr. Rogers: I liked her…

Officer Fuzzy: WHAT?!

Mr. Rogers: Uhh, sorry. Never mind…

Officer Fuzzy: Her husband, Roger, died in a car accident. A stupid tree fell on him. He shoulda seen it coming! You gotta be an idiot to not see a tree falling down and just go on like a regular day. Ever since that she has been weird. Oh well…

Mr. Rogers: Quack! …Excuse me!

Officer Squank: She has a messy garden

Officer Fuzzy: Garden? What garden? I thought that was a jungle….oh uh….yes, she does, I guess…I wonder if there are any mangos in there….mmm mangos…..

Mr. Rogers: I hate gardens……yes

Officer Fuzzy: She’s a nut, now. A nut that stays in a stupid jung….er garden the whole day!

Mr. Rogers: I like asparagus…yes

Officer Squank: Oh…

Mr. Rogers: Wanna know….a secret….yes

Officer Squank: Sure…fine….whatever

Mr. Rogers: I’m her husband…yes

(Officer Squank gasps)

Scene 2: The Truth Unvealed

Mr. Rogers: She was annoying…yes

Officer Fuzzy: I thought you were dead!

Mr. Rogers: Well…no…I actually cut down the tree, so that the tree could fall down on her….but I just happen to be in the car at the wrong time…..I tried to dump the chump, they call “my wife”….yes

Officer Squank: I thought you were actually happy being with the nut

Mr. Rogers: Well, I was, when she was actually active, but when she got to be an old hag, I had to “dump the chump.” I could get some other fresh meat…or, to you, girls….yes

Officer Squank: You suck

Mr. Rogers: No, I don’t. I want to fly! Fly, fly, fly, fly, FLY!!!

(Mr. Rogers goes over and jumps off a cliff)

Officer Squank: Well, I guess he’s dead now….

Officer Fuzzy: Yeah, I guess

Officer Squank: Want some donuts? Maybe we can hold up a donut shops with our guns

(Officer Squank holds his gun up and starts laughing)

Officer Squank: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

(end)

 

Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm

(Chuck E. Cheese is in a suit, in “his office.” The camera pans past all of the people working for the law firm in a close up. There’s a bookshelf full of law books and books on how to exchange Chuck E. Cheese tokens to different kinds of money. Chuck E. Cheese tightens his tie, and places his hands behind his back, standing in front of his desk)

 

Chuck E. Cheese: hello, I’m Chuck E. Cheese! And here at Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm, we are committed to proving your innocence or if you wanted, your guiltiness. We take all cases, and have a 100% success rating, give or take 100%. Our approval rating is 1000%!Because people not even needing us like us! Because if you lose, or if you’re not satisfied with our service, we will send you a hooker – for free!

 

(camera switches to Birdy)

 

Birdy: hi, I’m the hooker, Birdy! I do guys and girls. Don’t worry, I’m clean. I take showers daily! I used to do the stage show with Chuck E. Cheese when we were a band, but that was until Chuck E. Cheese’s became bankrupt and we were left with billions and billions of Chuck E. Cheese tokens minted every year since 1960. The only use for me was being a hooker, cause I’m a stupid stupid bitch!

 

Chuck E. Cheese: let’s hear some customer testimonies!

 

(scene cuts to a guy behind bars)

 

Joe: thanks Chuck E. Cheese’s Law Firm! Since they did such a piss poor job of defending me against shoplifting, I actually got found guilty for Murder of the First Degree, but they sent Birdy over and I got Hepatitis C! No one is gonna screw ME in jail!

 

Chuck E. Cheese: yes, even if you get found guilty, we keep on helping

 

“Rich” Guy: I won 3 billion dollars in Chuck E. Cheese tokens! Yaaaahhoooo!! Thanks Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm for getting me out of my child abuse allegations.

 

Kid: hey dad, can I-

 

(“Rich” Guy takes out a bat and starts beating the kid)

 

“Rich” Guy: SHUT UP YOU STUPID BASTARD KID!

 

(cuts to Chuck E. Cheese again)

 

Chuck E. Cheese: When you win, you win BIG!

 

Birdy: oh yeah!

 

Elephant: hi

 

Chuck E. Cheese: what the hell is that?

 

(end)

 

Crusty French Bread

Pierre: ello. I am Pierre, le lumberjack! Unt I loveeee Crusty French Bread.

 

Announcer: yes, you heard it from Pierre the Lumberjack, folks! Crusty French Bread is good. He’s French for cryin’ out loud!

 

Pierre: unt it is so healthy for you, it should be called “I can’t believe it’s not bread!”

 

Announcer: actually, its not bread

 

Pierre: Vat!? Vat is this?

 

Announcer: its actually made out of soy! You’ll be amazed what soy can be made into these days! From cardboard to mustard to xylophones! And you can’t tell the difference!

 

Pierre: vat da hell!? This makes me mad!

 

(Pierre starts his chainsaw)

 

Pierre: can’t you see that soy tastes like ass!? Hot dogs shouldn’t taste like soy, nor chicken nuggets which are made of soy!

 

Announcer: don’t get mad at me! Get mad at SoyCo! They made all that tasteless crap that makes you wanna barf!

 

Pierre: grrarrrh!

 

(Pierre waves his chainsaw in the air)

 

Pierre: dieee, SoyCo!

 

(Pierre stops waving his chainsaw, then takes a big bite out of the Crusty French Bread)

 

Pierre: now that I know its soy, you can obviously taste it! What a piece of shit!

 

Announcer: yes you can, Pierre, yes you can

 

Pierre: I can also taste your MOM in it

 

Announcer: what the hell? You shithead!

 

(Pierre and Announcer bitchslap fight)

(end)

 

I-Rental

I-Rental Man: hello, I am the I-Rental Man. Have you come under a tragic event in which you lost your eye? Or eyes for that fact? Well, I have a proposition for you.

 

(I-Rental walks next to a case)

 

I-Rental: here at I-Rental, we can solve your problems. Instead of living with no eyes or getting a glass eye, bring in your busted eyes, and we’ll let you rent some of our very own reconstructed eyes.

 

(I-Rental Man pats the case)

 

I-Rental Man: Yessir, in here we have all the colors of the rainbow and more. Best of all, you don’t need to take any medicine and your new eyes work instantly. You just pop them in and that’s it! All for a very low price of $100 a month. That’s only about $13 a day. No amount of money is worth your eyesight. And this month we’re having a special. When you get your first pair of eyes, you can rent more pairs of eyes for $37.99 more, per pair!!! Try it out!

 

(end)

 

Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy and Pals Episode 1 – LSD

This was actually done in real life for a presentation in Health, so it was meant to have actually been done in real life, which it was and Little Puppy Rosy is a Taco Bell Chihauhau toy. However, it was lost, so there is no copy of the video anywhere.


Puppy: Hi, I’m Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy, and I’m here today to teach you about LSD…with the help of my buddies: Larry, the drugged up bear-

 

Larry: Moo!

 

Puppy: -and, The Predator!

 

Predator: Rrrrn…

 

Puppy: My friends and I are going to go around town and ask random people about LSD and its effects

 

(Wait 5 seconds)

(Squeeze the puppy so its says “How cool is this”)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Note: butt butt is stimpyismyname’s older brother)

(butt butt is in a car)

(Run up to him)

 

Puppy: What do you know about LSD?

 

butt butt: Oh! You mean Lysergic Acid Diethylamide? Sure, I know lots of stuff!

 

Puppy: Like what?

 

butt butt: Well, first of all, when you take it, it is called “dropping acid,” and its nickname is “acid”

 

Puppy: So what? What’s bad about it?

 

butt butt (looking up): You unintelligent miscreant! You get tension, chills, fever, trembling, a loss of appetite and nausea when you “drop” it!

 

Puppy: Thank you!

 

(Throw puppy, then fade out)

(Fade in)

(Andy is in car. Run up to him)

 

Andy: Whee! Driving!

 

Puppy: Hello, kind sir. Would you tell us something about LSD?

 

Andy: No!

 

(Turn away from Andy)

 

Puppy: There is no one to talk to about LSD. Hey, wait! There’s Raphael the LSD scientist

 

(Note: Raphael is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael, and is wearing a space suit)

(Run over to Raphael)

 

Puppy: Hey, aren’t you Raphael, the famous LSD scientist?

 

Raphael: Yes, I am, I know everything about LSD.

 

Puppy: Do you know who discovered it?

 

Raphael: Yes I do, it is Albert Hoffman

 

Puppy: Wow, what happened to him?

 

Raphael: he died, because he drank LSD and had an extremely bad trip

 

Puppy: How do you take LSD and what are its effects?

 

Raphael: LSD is usually placed on foods such as sugar cubes and gelatin and eaten. Abusers say it makes their senses sharper and that ideas float through their minds, but they can’t act on them.

 

Puppy: oh…so that’s the reason why Larry has been seeing all those dancing penguins with lollipops

 

Raphael: Yes, Puppy, it is a proven fact, it is from LSD. An LSD trip can be as long as 6 to 8 hours.

 

Puppy: What happens when you have a “bad trip?”

 

Raphael: Hmm…oh yeah! It can increase anxiety, a person already had and causes a mental breakdown. Some people may feel depressed, anxious, and unreal for days after a trip. A lot of abusers have flashbacks which are when the effect of LSD returns days or months after a trip.

 

(Note: Raphael 2 is a “naked” Raphael, with only a belt on kinda)

(Raphael 2 enters)

 

Raphael 2: Hey! Wait a second, you’re the guy that took my clothes, you’re not a real LSD scientist, you’re just an LSD abuser that got out of his cage!

 

Raphael: Uh uh uh….(Looks around) bye (runs away)

 

Puppy: So wait a minute, your the real LSD scientist?

 

Raphael 2: You bet your pants I am!

 

Puppy: I have no pants!

 

(Wait a while)

 

Raphael 2: k…bye

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in with Larry, Puppy and Predator)

 

Puppy: ok, kiddies now we’re going to recreate what it would be like if someone actually took LSD

 

Larry: whee!

 

Predator: Rrrrr….

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Larry and Predator walk up to Blue)

 

Larry: Yo, buddy. Got any Lysergic Acid Diethylamide?

 

Blue: What you talkin’ bout? I know you ain’t talkin’ ‘bout my momma!

 

Larry: No no no, man. I just want some LSD!

 

Blue: Oh ok. Here ya go

 

(Move arm up with big dropper and give it to Larry)

 

Larry: How much for it, dude?

 

Blue: Free, because I’m an idiot!

 

(Let go of Blue)

 

Larry: Ohhhk…

 

(Predator jumps up and down on him and they walk away)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

 

Larry: Yo, Predator, you wanna drop it first?

 

Predator: Rrr….

 

(Predator lays down, face up, close up on his face and drop “LSD” on his face, zoom out)

 

Predator: Rrr! Rrr!! (Flies away)

 

(Have a bunch of random scenes)

 

(Note: these were the random scenes: a dueling pair of feet with both guys saying “engarde” and “touché”, a mosh pit with Rage Against The Machine music playing, Homer Simpson and Predator fighting, and another Taco Bell Chihauhau that had a rose in its mouth and said “I think I’m in love,” a pause, and then Predator knocking over the dog)

 

(Afterwards, have Predator laying on the bed, then stand up)

 

Larry: whoa man, LSD is messed up, I never wanna do that stuff

 

(A bunch of drops fall on Larry)

 

Larry: Predator…

 

Predator (laughing): rrr rrr rrr rrr!

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Same place and same order as in the beginning)

 

Puppy: Well, kids, I hope you learned the LSD is bad because it has long term affects on your body.

 

Larry: Uhh….yeah

 

Puppy: See you next time, when we talk about sniffing dogs and how it ruins your life. Bye!

 

Larry: bye

 

Predator: Rrr…

 

(They all wave)

 

(credits)

 

The End

 


real credits, were somewhere along the lines of…

davepoobond – Wrote script, helped think up script. Voice of: Puppy, Blue

elmoisfurry – Helped think up script, camera, voice of: Larry, Predator

butt butt – Raphael, Raphael 2, Andy

 

Bad Vacation Agency

Secretary: hello there, I’m Betsy Watson and I work for Bad Vacation Agency. Would you like to have an EXTREMELY bad vacation? Or would you like us to forcefully abduct someone and put them on a bad vacation as well? We have a database that can instantly find your worst vacation, according to these “levels” of badness:

 

Mild

Moderate

Annoying

Obnoxious

Bad

Very Bad

Extremely Bad

Jammed In a Closet

And the kind of vacation that’d be exactly like being stuck in Hiroshima at the time of the atomic bomb exploding on your pale assssssssssss!

 

Secretary: yes, that’s right. So call 1-800-I-or-a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-go-to-hell or just dial 0 and ask for your mom. See you on your worst vacation ever!

 

(secretary waves, and camera focuses out, and you can see people hanging from ropes off the ceilings and chained to the walls)

 

Secretary: no matter what, we’ll STILL have room for you

 

(secretary winks)

(end)

 

Jam Jam Cam

(a stupid guy is breakdancing)

 

Stupid Guy: haha! Yeah!

 

(Stupid Guy stops, and walks over to the camera)

 

Stupid Guy: wasn’t that stupendous?

 

(Stupid Guy dances)

 

Stupid Guy: Hi, I’m Stupid Guy, and I’m here to tell you about my new invention! Jam jam Cam! Its so cool, it makes you look like you’re dancing, when you really aren’t! And it adds music to it too. Let’s look at the same thing I was doing, but with a regular camera!

 

(it goes to a reg. camera shot, and it has Stupid Guy doing jumping jacks and rolling around on the floor, and running into a wall)

 

Stupid Guy: If you do a lot worse than me, and would like to look good doing something else when you really want it, get this product. Let’s hear some testimonials!

 

Loser: I was doing the robot, but the Jam Jam Cam turned my loser Robot dance into a freak dance with a hot girl I never saw before! It was cool…

 

Woman: I was doing the funky chicken, and the Jam Jam Cam turned it into a Conga line with hot men boning me in my ass!

 

Stupid Guy: wouldn’t you like that to happen to YOU?

 

Loser: Yes, I would!

 

Woman: You can bet on it!

 

Stupid Guy: You heard from real-life customers that we payed to say something good about this product! Why not buy yours today?

 

(Stupid Guy starts dancing)

 

Stupid Guy: you may actually learn how to REALLY dance

 

(Stupid Guy is actually crawling around on the floor in a pink tutu, kicking at the air)

 

(end)

 

Pencil Eraser

(A guy walks in front of the camera and bows, holding a pencil)

(The guy sits on a chair and rubs the eraser on the desk, slowly)

(The camera zooms in on the pencil, watching it erase)

(It stays like that until the eraser is gone, an hour and a half later)

(The camera zooms out, the guy bows, then leaves)

(end)

 

Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety

davepoobond: Hello, my name is davepoobond, and I’m here to tell you about my new product, Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety. This Anti-Anxiety medicine is very easy to take. All you have to do is pick up a box from a pharmacy. You don’t have to have a prescription to take this medicine, since you can’t be legally diagnosed for having anxiety. You know when you have it, and if you have too much to bare, Anti-Anxiety can help you get it down and make you feel better. The Anti-Anxiety medicine is in a powder-form in packets so you can put it in a drink and drink it. They are carefully measured out, and you should not have more than one at a time, but who’s stopping you? After two days of not feeling any better, you can take it again and keep repeating that pattern for up to two weeks. If you don’t feel any better from the anxiety, stop using it, it won’t do any good for you, or don’t we don’t care wink wink. This medicine is FDA approved, so you don’t have to worry about it being bad wink wink.

 

The Jester Guild Union

Jester: HELLO EVERYONE! ARE YOU A PSYCHOTIC MANIAC OR JUST PLAIN LIKE TO ANNOY PEOPLE CONSTANTLY AND ENJOY IT???? DO U FEEL THAT THERE IS “JUST NO PLACE” FOR YOU? THEN YOU’RE ELIGIBLE TO JOIN THE JESTERS GUILD UNION!

 

Mr.: the who?

 

Jester: THE JESTER GUILD UNION!!!!!!!

 

Mr.: oh, what do u do?

 

Jester: YES! I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION! WE GO AROUND AND ANNOY PEOPLE FOR ROYALTY, LIKE THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND SHIT! DO YOU KNOW THAT WEENIE, TERRORSAUR?

 

Mr.: uh…..sure…

 

Jester: HIS NAME IS “MR. CHIZEL BOTTOMS!!!!” THATS REALLY HIS GIVEN NAME, BY BIRTH! SO, EVERYBODY CALL HIM THAT! WE’RE SO FUNNY AND STUPID, WE CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT KINDA SHIT! IF YOU ARE A STUPID IDIOT OR A HOBO OUT ON THE STREET, YOU SHOULD JOIN THIS GUILD UNION AND GAIN BENEFITS SUCH AS:

 

Life Insurance – for those “special occasions” that someone will jump out of a tree and shoot you with a shotgun

Dental Insurance – needed for those “special occasions” when people punch you, a lot

Company Car – an Oldsmobile, because Oldsmobiles are annoying, just like you!

And much more!

 

Announcer guy: remember folks! if you’re annoying and/or psychotic, call 1-800-ANNOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ll protect you from going back to the looney bin, with our ultra special lawyers!

 

(a lawyer dressed up as a clown talking in German, is waving a briefcase)

(end)

 

Ghostwroter Episode 1

(theme song)

Jump: Hellooooo!

 

Everyone else: Hello hello hello!

 

Ghostwroter (flies through the air): Whoosh!

 

Hop: Now its time

 

Skip: To say hello,

 

Gallop: Hi,

 

Run: Ollah!

 

Walk: Moo!

 

Jump: We’re a bunch of losers, with no families,

 

Hop: That’s why we have the gift, of talking to a big green glob that flies!

 

Skip: As well as poos-

 

Gallop: And pees!

 

Run: Peas not peeeeees!

 

(Everyone starts punching each other, a big title appearing over their heads. They stop and jump, screaming)

 

Everyone: GHOSTWROTER!!!

 

(Ghostwroter flies across the screen revealing the episode’s name)

 

Don’t Go To Austrailia!

 

Jump: Hey, guys

 

Everyone else: Hi, Jump!

 

Ghostwroter (flies through the air) spells out: Helloooo!

 

Jump: I’m sorry guys, I have to move to Austrailia with my parents…

 

Skip (patting Jump on the back): Its ok, Jump. I understand…can I have your money?

 

Hop: Wait a minute! *I* want his money!

 

Gallop: What are you guys talking about? We’re all piss broke, and he doesn’t even have parents!! (points at Jump, accusingly)

 

Jump (looking around): Um um um um um um um…

 

Gallop: We live in the same cardboard box, together!

 

Jump: That’s it! You die NOW!!

 

(Jump jumps after Gallop, but he gallops away)

 

Jump: I hate my name, I always have to jump wherever I go because of it

 

Ghostwroter spells out: Its ok, Jump. Write me a message!

 

Jump: Ok…

 

(Jump writes “You SUCK” on the floor)

 

Jump: THERE! Ya HAPPY?! I don’t see why we have a green glob instead of a FUCKING HOUSE!

 

Skip: He’s cute, that’s why

 

(Jump blinks a few times)

 

Jump: He doesn’t have a fuckin’ face!!!

 

Run: So?

 

Walk: I still love him!

 

(Walk hugs Ghostwroter)

 

Everyone except Jump: Awwww!!

 

Jump (smacks his head): How’d I get stuck with you losers, anyhow?

 

Run: Remember? Our parents were all seperated at birth and then when they had us they all said “we don’t like children” so they dumped us in a cardboard box in New York with Ghostwroter. Plus, we got these nifty pens!

 

(Run waves the pen he has in the air)

 

Jump (looking at his own pen): ………………………………………………………………oh yeah………..

 

Run: I’m hungry, what do we have in our pickle jar?

 

Gallop: Well, we have a parrot’s head, a calculator and a street sign

 

Run: I’ll take the street sign

 

(Gallop gives him the street sign and Run starts eating it)

 

Walk: Ok, we have to find a way to find out whether we’re girls or boys

 

Jump: I know I’m a boy

 

Ghostwroter spells out: I’m a glob

 

Walk: I’m a girl

 

Gallop: I’m a boy

 

Run: I’m a boy

 

Skip: I’m a girl

 

Hop: I’m a bisexual transvestite

 

(everyone looks at Hop)

 

Hop (looking from side to side): What? oh…I’m a girl……yeah, that’s it

 

Jump: Ok

 

Gallop: So, how about them Dodgers?

 

Walk: We live in New York

 

Run: So?

 

Walk: They’re in LA………

 

Gallop: THEY GOT TRADED!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Ghostwroter spells out: Hahahahahahahahahaha

 

(end)