Jack in the Crack

Jack: hi. I’m Jack. You may wonder why I have a ridiculous plastic ball on my head, and a party hat on top of that. But I’ll tell you something…

 

(Jack walks to the right)

 

Jack: hi, I’m Jack. I have an airplane, and a football team. We make lots of good, quality fast food. As good as fast food will get anyway. But as long as its better than McDonalds, I’d guess it is better quality anyway, even if we took a crap on it. All our food is made with 100% crack cocaine, and we made different types of food with it. Crack Taco Shells, Crack Cheese, Crack Beef, Crack Lettuce, just to name a few.

 

(Jack picks up a crack pipe)

 

Jack: ah, nature’s fruits of labor…and remember, we don’t crack it, ’till you jack-it!”

 

(end)

 

The Pump Girls Episode 1

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

 

Pump It Up!

 

(The scene goes to the Pump Girls’ hospital beds, they’re in their hospital gowns)

 

KayKay: I wish we didn’t have juvenile diabetes

 

JoeJoe: At least we get insulin pump pagers!

 

AshAsh: Yes, we also have the Pump Girls because of this!

 

FartFart: ::Fart!!:: And we wouldn’t be able to be the Pump Girls if we didn’t have Juvenile diabetes and insulin pump pagers!

 

(KayKay starts hyperventilating)

 

KayKay: Too much…..sugar…!

 

(KayKay pushes a button on her pager with a *pshhh* sound of air, insulin pumping into her body, making her have less sugar)

 

KayKay: Ah! That feels better…

 

JoeJoe: KayKay, are you feeling “up” for our performance tonight?

 

FartFart: We have a performance!?

 

AshAsh: Yes, its our biggest break ever! We’re going to a playground next to an industrial waste dump

 

KayKay: Oh. No wonder, I forget things of importance all the time, like the time I had a bowel movement and I hadn’t gone in 4 weeks and-

 

AshAsh: Shut up

 

(KayKay gets up and takes off her hospital gown, in the middle of the room, nude)

 

FartFart: EW!!

 

KayKay: Whoops, I forgot you guys weren’t gay

 

(3 hours later)

 

Mommy Manager: Ok, everyone! Get into the van!

 

(many many homeless people pile into the van)

 

Mommy Managaer: Not you! I meant The Pump Girls!!

 

(a homeless man near the bottom raises his hand)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: I’m a Pump Girl!

 

Mommy Manager: Ok. The rest of you: OUT! Or you get dsemboweled!

 

Homeless People: Awwww

 

Mommy Manager: NOWWW!!!

 

(The Homeless People ran away, leaving Homey the Homeless Man, and The Pump Girls go to their next performance)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: Got any food?

 

Mommy Manager: Gosh no…you know that there are no foods in the world that don’t contain sugar in it, and since you have juvenile diabetes you can’t eat food, you know that.

 

(Homey the Homeless Man gets a sad face)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: I have stones in my intestine?

 

Mommy Manager: No…not anymore, we exchanged gallstones for diabetes to become The Pump Girls instead of The Rolling Gallstones. You don’t remember? Geez. We’re here.

 

(Mommy Manager stops at the playground, and everyone gets out. KayKay forgets how to walk and falls on the floor, soaking in mud)

 

KayKay: I broke a bone!

 

AshAsh: Great, we’ll never be able to perform now!

 

(Just then a plane swoops down and catches AshAsh in the propellers instantly dicing her up, and leaving only her shoes)

 

FartFart: ::Fart!!:: Ahhh! AshAsh died!

 

(Then, FartFart farted again and blew away the Mommy Manager, knocking her out. FartFart becomes exhausted and faints on top of KayKay)

 

JoeJoe: What the hell?

 

KayKay: Get her off meeee!

 

(KayKay passes out)

(Just then a bunch of children run over to JoeJoe with cans of Mountain Dew, pouring it all over her)

(JoeJoe starts having a seizure)

 

JoeJoe: Noo! I can’t take sugar into my bodyyyy!

 

(JoeJoe falls to the floor, still shaking, and passes out, still shaking)

(Homey the Homeless Man just watches all of this, takes AshAsh’s shoes and gets into the car, driving away)

(end)

 

SBC News Christmas Special

Now top stories with David…

Weather with Daveed…

Sports with Davis…

A few words with Fiddlesticks…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown.

 

Now for the top stories…David: Welcome to the first annual Christmas Special of SBC News TV!! It is sure to be a holly jolly show today!

 

(Fiddlesticks covers his mouth)

 

Fiddlesticks: COUGH, yeah right, COUGH, COUGH!!!

 

(David looks at Fiddlesticks with a mean look)

(Fiddlesticks looks back)

 

Fiddlesticks: CCCOOOUUUGGGHHH!!!

 

David: SHUT UP!!

 

Fiddlesticks: OK, FINE, GAWD

 

Davis: What is this episode supposed to be about?

 

David: …I dunno…

 

Binky: Well, the only thing I know is that I’m interviewing Santa Clause and some other…things

 

David: hmm…ok…but first we have an undercover report from Dave

 

Binky: Dave, huh? He sorta scares me…

 

David: oh….well…here he is

 

(Dave comes up on a small TV screen next to David)

 

Dave: Hello, this is Dave reporting live from someplace in Wyoming….unfortunately during the Christmas season, the number of suicides increase a lot, and most of those people that commit suicide are wimps and don’t wanna face the IRS or some crap like that…but this is very strange

 

(Dave walks over to a body below a cliff)

 

Dave: as you can see…

 

(Dave lifts up the persons head to show the camera)

 

David: Oh my god! That’s Alex Trebeck!!

 

Fiddlesticks: REALLY??? YAAYY!!! HE WAS A BITCH!!!

 

Dave (muttering): Pathetic

 

(Dave drops the head with disgust)

 

Dave: there are just piles upon piles of these dead people here….mostly game show hosts…

 

(the camera gets a shot of all the bodies)

(there are rows and rows and piles of dead bodies)

 

David: Whoa

 

Fiddlesticks: Holy crap

 

Davis: EWW!!!

 

(Daveed makes a choking sound, like he’s about to throw up)

 

Dave: Yes, it is gross…I’m getting outta here…

 

(the camera turns off)

 

David: That was really weird….

 

(Binky is just staring ahead at nothing)

 

David: …hey Binky!

 

(Binky still stares at nothing)

(Daveed goes over and slaps him but has no effect)

 

Daveed: He must be stunned, or some junk, I ain’t a doctor, I can’t tell

 

David: HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THE DAMN SPECIAL GUEST CORNER THEN?????????????

 

Daveed: maybe all of us can do it…

 

David: Hmm…..heheheheheheh…

 

(David has an evil grin on his face)

 

Davis: Good idea, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

(Daveed pushes Binky off the chair and drags his chair into the center of the room, right smack in the middle of everybody)

(Daveed goes back and sits down on his chair)

 

David: OK! Who’s up?

 

(a fat shadow appears from the door)

 

David (gasping): WELL!! Isn’t it Mr. Holly Jolly Himself!!

 

(the guy walks out of the shadows)

 

David: HEY! Wait a second! You’re not Santa Clause!

 

Fat guy: Uh, nope. Just a fat guy walking around.

 

(David starts getting mad)

 

David: eeerraaaahhh!!!! HOW DARE YOU COME INTO THIS TV STATION WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!

 

(David takes out a gun and shoots the fat guy)

 

Fat guy: OW!

 

(Fat guy falls down, dead, as another fat shadow appears)

 

David (dropping the gun and gasping): COULD IT BE???

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

Daveed (walking toward Santa Clause): Hey, Santa, how ya doin? Why don’t you take a seat in the middle of all of us where we can see your jolly little fat face.

 

Santa Clause: HO?

 

Daveed: HEY! DON’T CALL ME A HO, BOY! I’ll slap da shit outta you.

 

Santa Clause: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

(Daveed looks strangely at Santa Clause)

 

Daveed: Riiiggghhhttt……now sit your flabby fat ass down over there.

 

(Daveed points to Binky’s chair)

(Santa Clause makes his way over to the chair and every step he takes he says ‘ho’)

 

Santa Clause (as he is sitting down): mmmmmm christmas!

 

Daveed: Well, Santa, Arthritis gettin’ to ya, old man?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: Um, ok. Uh…

 

David: Well, Santa, what do you have for ME for Christmas?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho

 

(Santa Clause snaps his fingers and a bag appears at his feet)

 

David: Whoa!

 

(Santa Clause reaches in and takes out a neatly wrapped present for everybody and passes them out to everybody)

 

David: Ooh! I wonder what it is

 

(David rips the wrapping open and opens the box)

 

David: Huh? What da hell is this? It’s a Polly Prissy Pants Doll

 

(David is holding the doll and the head falls off)

 

David: …..this is used…

 

Daveed: I got a 3 page book….

 

Davis: I got a piece of paper with scribbles on it

 

Fiddlesticks: Heh heh…I have the best one out of ALL of you!

 

David: What is it?

 

Fiddlesticks: hee hee hee….its a porno magazine

 

(David drops the doll and charges for the magazine)

(so does Daveed and Davis)

 

David: Come on! Give me the magazine!

 

Fiddlesticks: No! It’s mine!

 

Davis: LET GO!

 

Daveed: YOU’RE GONNA RIP IT! GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE IT DOES!!

 

(the magazine is split up four ways)

 

David: Ah man, I got half of a stomach….

 

Fiddlesticks: Jeez, now look what you did to the Playgirl magazine…

 

Daveed: Play…GIRL????

 

(Davis drops his part of the magazine)

 

Davis: YYYUUCCKK!

 

David: Oh my god….

 

(David and Daveed also drop their pieces)

 

Fiddlesticks: My god, you guys should be happy now….ripping up my Christmas present from Santa!

 

David (walking toward his chair): Yeah, whatever…

 

Daveed: Ok, Santa, how is the weather at the north pole?

 

Santa Clause: Christmas! Ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: So, its always winter?

 

Santa Clause: Merry ho ho ho ho!

 

Daveed (looking at Santa weird): uh, can you say anything but merry, Christmas and ho?

 

Santa Clause: Ho ho ho ho!

 

David: Stop asking confusing questions to Santa! Let’s show him around our studio. Come on Santa!

 

(David leads Santa into the Director’s office)

 

David: This is where we used to have our Director and Producer fight each other all the time for no reason, but since they’re both dead, this room isn’t being used till we find somebody suitable for the job.

 

Daveed: Yeah, they used to fight over how a peanut butter and jelly sandwich should be made. Or, even how to-

 

David: Ok, that’s enough

 

(Davis yawns)

 

Davis: When is this tour over?

 

David (ignoring what Davis said): And, down here…

 

(David leads Santa through the door to the parking lot)

 

David: This is our little parking lot.

 

Fiddlesticks: Hey, where’s my car?

 

Davis: I think I saw someone driving off in a pinto with a flat tire and half the paint was chipped off. Was that yours?

 

Fiddlesticks: ….yes….

 

Davis: HA HA! That’s funny. He blew up a little ways down the road.

 

Fiddlesticks: oh…I hope my kitty made it to safety

 

Daveed: most likely, your stupid little kitty is dead

 

(Fiddlesticks’ kitty walks up to them)

 

Kitty: meow

 

Fiddlesticks: OH! KITTY! YOUR SAFE!

 

(Davis takes David’s gun and shoots the kitty as Fiddlesticks runs up to it)

(Fiddlesticks stares at his dead kitty)

 

Davis: SEE? NOW its dead

 

Fiddlesticks: NOOOO!!!!!

 

(Fiddlesticks drops to his knees and is still screaming)

 

David (looking at Fiddlesticks): Ok, let’s go to another part of the tour…

 

(everyone but Fiddlesticks walks away, and Fiddlesticks is still screaming and holding his kitty up in the air)

 

Fiddlesticks: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

(camera goes to David and Santa Clause)

(Fiddlesticks is screaming in the background)

 

David: Well, this is a statue of a…um…

 

(David turns back to Fiddlesticks)

 

David (yelling): HEY SHUT DA HELL UP!

 

(Fiddlesticks keeps screaming)

 

David (pulling out his gun): Ok, that’s it….

 

(David shoots Fiddlesticks)

 

Fiddlesticks: Ah, SHIT!

 

(Fiddlesticks faints)

 

David: Well, that’s better…..that is a statue….of someone….I dont know who it is though….or why it is here…um…I dont remember how this got here…or remember when it got here….it wasnt here before…So…uh, I guess we should move on then…

 

(the camera goes higher and higher as everybody walks to the right)

 

Announcer Guy: But, what David didn’t know was, that the statue of someone he didn’t know was actually an alien space pod, full of tiny creatures that aim to help a race of other aliens to rule Earth….

 

(the camera zooms back down to David’s face)

 

David: Hey, did anyone hear that?

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO!

 

Daveed: Hear what?

 

David: Uh….never mind…let’s go back inside…there isn’t anything else out here…

 

(everyone gets inside except Santa Clause)

 

Santa Clause (waving his finger from left to right): Ho ho!

 

(Santa Clause snaps and he disappears)

 

David: WHAT??? Ah, man! I was going to ask him if he wanted to be our producer or director or something….

 

Daveed: Uh……I think we’ll find someone better….

 

David: Like?

 

Daveed: Like, uh…that dead fat guy!

 

Fat Guy: What? What are you talking about? I’m not dead, just taking a nap…

 

David: Well, your hired!

 

Fat Guy: For what?

 

David: Uhh…Producer….now your name is now Fat Producer Guy!

 

Fat Producer Guy: cool!

 

David: Now, go and wait for someone to be director, then you can fight with them. That’s your job!

 

Fat Producer Guy: YAY!

 

(Fat Producer Guy goes in the office and closes the door)

 

David: so…now what?

 

Daveed: umm…i think that there were some elves in the back waiting…

 

(camera goes to elves)

 

Master Elf (smoking a cigarette): when the fuck do we get on this fuckin show? i got some crappy ass toys to make…

 

Ho Elf: Oh, don’t worry…we’ll get out of this stupid place soon…even though there is air conditioning instead of heat…

 

Elfy: I’ve never needed to have air conditioning before…

 

Ellf: AIR CONDITIONING IS COOL!

 

(camera goes back to david and the others)

 

David: umm…i’m sorta scared…lets go back to the station..those elves could be….doing something…weird

 

Fiddlesticks: KIIITTTYYY!!!!

 

Davis: What the fuck?

 

Daveed: what?

 

Davis: that statue..

 

Daveed: What about it?

 

Davis: it….moved!

 

Daveed: AW, stop fuckin lying ya stupid son of a bitch. statues can’t move. they are big ass pieces of rock.

 

Davis: It fuckin moved, you bastard.

 

David: Ok, just fuck it, let’s go.

 

Davis: uhh…i dont really want to…

 

(David just walks back into the station to find that the 4 elves they had waiting in the back were jumping around the station yelling “Air Conditioner”)

 

Master Elf: AIR CONDITTTIIOONNERR!!

 

Ho Elf: A! C!

 

Ellf: FFFARRTT! look at that! it dont stink!

 

David: AAAAAARRGGHHH!

 

(David is about to strangle the Master Elf because he is waving his favorite piece of cardboard around his ass)

 

David (running at Master Elf): MY CARDBOARD!!!

 

(suddenly an explosion from behind David, sends him, Davis, and Daveed and they get launched at a wall along with the elfen people)

 

Master Elf: WWAAHH!!!

 

Davis: shistis!

 

Dave: who?

 

Shistis: YESssss…..It is I…the green statue with its arm up in the air….the real reason it was up there was not for me to look god-like, but to let my B.O. torture everyone that can smell it! hahahahahahaa!!

 

(Shistis starts to pace)

 

Davis: I thought you died!

 

Shistis: I thought i died, too!

 

Davis: Then why are you alive?

 

Shistis: hmm….i dont know really…i think it was a present from sweet ol’ Santa Clause!!!

 

(Shistis reaches behind her and pulls out Santa Clause by the collar)

 

Santa Clause (face drooping): ho…ho…ho…

 

David: SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Santa Clause: ho?

 

Daveed (grabbing his head): NNNNYYYAARRRGGG!!!! SHUT UP! STOP SAYING HO!

 

Davis: I think that Santa is calling Shistis a ho…

 

(one of the elves fart)

(air conditioning breaks down, because of the fart)

 

Shistis: AARGH! What is that smell?

 

David (covering his nose): Its an elf fart!! RUN!!!

 

(everybody except the elves, shistis, and Santa Clause run out of the building just as it blows up)

 

Daveed: great, now we have to make ANOTHER stupid studio…

 

David: Hmm…maybe we should use the reserve studio…

 

Daveed: where is that?

 

David: across the street…

 

Daveed: really?

 

David: in Idaho!

 

Daveed: ACK!

 

David: Yes, that’s right, we’ll have to take a train all the way to Idaho…

 

Daveed: do we have to stay there?

 

David: …no..not really…we’ll just move the whole building on top of the old burned up studio…

 

(David takes out a walkie talkie)

 

David (speaking into the walkie talkie): BRING ‘ER IN CHARLIE!

 

Davis: …charlie?

 

David: He’s the helicopter driver…

 

(Charlie the Helicopter Driver comes over with a skinny rope holding onto a huge building)

 

Daveed: Is that our studio?

 

David: yeah! this one has anti-fart fluid sprayer thingys, air conditioning, heat, and…penguins!

 

Davis: Why the fuck do we need penguins?

 

David: ahh…they’re funny…

 

Davis: hrmm…

 

(Davis thinks about how they can be funny)

 

David: they walk funny and they make me laugh everytime they walk past me!

 

Davis (flicking his wrist at David): yeah, whatever, go right on ahead, have your stupid shitty penguins!

 

(David ignores the comment and turns around to the helicopter and brings the walkie talkie up to his mouth)

 

David: a little to the right and drop it right on our old building…

 

(Charlie drops the building on top of the old studio and stays on top of the old building)

 

David: hmm….oh well, now we have 2 floors!

 

(everybody goes into the studio and sits down in the middle of the room on the 1st floor)

(David takes out some pokemon cards)

 

David: haha! check this out! its a FUCK me UP Charizard!

 

Davis (pulling out his): bah! that’s nothing compared to my umm….CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE!

 

(Davis pulls the card out and shoves it in David’s face)

(David eats the CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE card)

 

Davis: HEY! I PAYED 50 BUCKS FOR THAT!!

 

David: and, it didn’t taste bad one bit!

 

Davis: grrr…..i’m gonna kill you!

 

(Davis and David start biting and punching each other)
(Daveed smacks his head and starts shaking his head from left to right with his eyes closed)

 

Daveed: my god…CUT IT! JUST CUT-

 

(end)

 

SAddle SAndbags

Saddy-Back Sandbags: Howdy howdy howdy! I’m Saddy-Back Sandbags, and I own SAddle SAndbags. Believe me when I say this, but Saddleback Sandbags is a completely different company than SAddle SAndbags…just because it is. If you come down to your local hardware store, pick up a bag of our sand or a whole parking lot of them, you can have a lot of sand! There’s unlimited sand in this world, and we take it and bag it and sell it to you. Won’t you buy them? You can prepare for flood, tornados, and other natural disasters, such as politicians coming to speak, Rosie O’ Donnel and to keep your children safe from Michael Jackson, just pile’m on top of them, you can never be too safe from MJ, the king of pop!

 

(end)

 

Billy Gets a Job!

(note: this is VERY stupid, but i dont give a crap…)

Manager Man: hello Mr. Boast, would you please sit down?

Billy: why, i would love too!

Mangager Man: um…ok….

(billy sits down on a chair closest to the door, but farthest from Mangager Man)

Mangager Man: So..you applied to our toy store, to make new ideas for toys?

Billy: yes, i did. i have many….ideas, for new toys

Mangager Man: Hmm, that’s good. What school did you go to for high school?

Billy: I went to a school in Washington

Mangager Man: Why are you looking for a job in New York then?

Billy: I just came here to work for your fine toy store!

Mangager Man: Oh, ok…what ideas do you have for new toys?

Billy: Well, there could be a Post-apocoliptyc type of doll living in a Bomb Shelter, and the ceiling would come off and the doll would enjoy all the modern lifestyles of home: canned food, fold up chairs, fold up tables, and on the outside can be a bunch of craters and crap strewn around the backyard too.

Manager Man: ok, you’re hired!

Billy: yay!

Manager Man: you start in 5 minutes, the sweat shop is upstairs, past the guards

Billy (getting up): thank you!

(end)

 

A KKK Story

i made this thing for a skit that we were doing in school about this subject. of course, all the juicy parts were cut out and made into a 30 sec piece in a skit that really fuckin sucked because it was cut

Characters:

mother

daughter

KKK guy

KKK guy 2

KKK guy 3

KKK guy 4

(the mom is just standing in the middle of the room staring at a wall)

(daughter comes in yelling)

daughter (yelling): mommy, mommy! i’m home from school!

mother: yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

(the mother and daughter run around the room 2 times)

mother: what did you learn today in school, daughter?!?!?!!?!?!

daughter: we learned about a time period called Reconstruction, which took place after the Civil War!

mother: oh, that’s nice!!!

daughter: YEAH!!

(daughter and mother run around the room again)

mother: whee!!!

daughter: mommy, what is the KKK?

(mother gasps and grabs daughter by the shoulders and pins her to the wall)

mother: never speak those 3 letters in this house again!

daughter: but it was only 1 letter 3 times!

mother: glah glah glah! the KKK is a very bad thing! they beat people down just because of their race, because after the Civil War, they opposed Reconstruction! They joined the Democratic party! Do you see what i mean???

daughter: yeah!

(outside, 4 KKK guys are parading on the sidewalk cheering the same thing over and over)

KKK guy: boo!

KKK guy 2: Bill Clinton forever!

KKK guy 3: whee!!

KKK guy 4: down with Reconstruction!

(inside)

mother: oh nooo!!!! they’ve come!

daughter (yelling at KKK guys): wasn’t Reconstruction over a hundred years ago?

KKK guy 4: ….OOPS! uh…BEAT HER DOWN, NOW!!!!!!!

KKK guys: gggggggglllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

(KKK guys run at daughter and daughter falls)

mother: nooo!! leave my daughter alone!

KKK guy 2: NO! we like kicking people in the head until they bleed! she hasn’t started bleeding yet, so we can’t stop!

KKK guy: this is fun!

KKK guy 3: whee!!! KICK! KICK! KICK!

(daughter screams)

daughter: ouch! stop it you meanies!

KKK guy (thinking for a few seconds): hmm…no

mother: aggghhhh!! help! help!

(mother runs around the room a couple times)

KKK guy: hey! this is getting boring, lets go to a 7 11 and beat some Pepsis and cream sodas out of guys over there!!!

KKK guys: YEAH!!!!

(KKK guys run out)

mother (going over to daughter): do you see now? They beat people up for no reason!

daughter: oh…i didn’t understand that until i got beaten…

mother: YAY! you’ve learned!

(mother and daughter run around the room screaming and laughing)

(end)

 

Aguafina

Aguafina Man: hello. Aquafina sucks. You should buy our water instead. Aquafina doesn’t tell you what’s in their drinks. Our water is made of 100% spit. Yes that’s right. Spit. Spit is nutritious. Spit is sterile, and why not just have a bottle of our spit everyday? I’m sure you’ve had enough of the taste of your spit, am I right?

 

(Aguafina Man walks to an Aguafina and an Aquafina)

 

Aguafina Man: believe it or not, they’re made of the same thing. So why buy from those untrustworthy bastards, that promise you nothing, when you can buy from us, an honest, customer loving company that doesn’t sleep in the blood of virgins every night to stay young forever? You decide.

 

(end)

 

Radioactive Carpet

The Video Professor: Hello, The Video Professor back again from the hospital

 

(The Video Professor waves a bandaged hand)

 

The Video Professor: last time, I was burned silly on the front side of my body with Radiator Carpet. Amazingly, we have sold, to date 13 Radio Carpets and 15 Radiator Carpets. But now, Smart Carpets has a new product that is sure to fly off the shelves! It’s the Radioactive Carpet!

 

(The Video Professor leans against a wall)

 

The Video Professor: have you ever wanted to create your own mutated animals, objects, or even mutate yourself for better or worse? No more not being able to! The Radioactive Carpet takes care of all of that! Just simply rub on this package of Nuclear waste we found in New Jersey, and voila!

 

(The Video Professor pours on some nuclear waste on the carpet and his arms burn off)

 

The Video Professor: uh oh….um….your results may vary. Only $50 for the carpet and $1300 for a 8 oz. can of nuclear waste!

 

(end)

 

Radiator Carpet

The Video Professor: Hello! I’m The Video Professor with another product from Smart Carpets. Its called Radiator Carpet!

 

(The Video Professor lies down on the carpet in front of him)

 

The Video Professor: do you just happen to be cold-blooded or feel like being a lizard or a spider for no apparent whatsoever in you life? Look no further than the plug-inable Radiator Carpet!

 

(The Video Professor rolls around)

 

The Video Professor: IT works like a VCR in the sense that you don’t know how to program it, and it can plug into an outlet! But there are some drawbacks…

 

(The Video Professor gets 3rd degree burns all over his body)

 

The Video Professor: We have yet to come out with a model that you can actually control! Only $1500, at your local Smart Carpeteers! AHHHHH! THE BURNING!!!

 

(end)

 

Radio Carpet

The Video Professor: Hello. I am the Video Professor. Since I am piss poor because I was practically giving away my CDs to help people learn how to use their computers, I’ve decided tow work for Smart Carpets, the best wholesale carpet makers ever. Today, I’m here to show you their latest product. The Radio Carpet

 

(The Video Professor sits on a chair in front of a carpet)

 

The Video Professor: It works just like a VCR, except it’s a radio and has nothing to do with a VCR. It actually blows up all VCRs in a 10 centimeter radius if you’re not careful! I’ll show you how it works.

 

(The Video Professor leans toward the carpet)

 

The Video Professor (screaming): I want to listen to Backstreet Boys!

 

Radio Carpet: You’re gay. Here’s some N*Sync for the day!

 

(N*Sync music starts playing)

 

The Video Professor: This is a happenin’ beat!

 

(The Video Professor smiles)

 

Radio Carpet: Hey, this got flare, how above some music from a guy named Dave!

 

(Dave Mathews Band starts playing)

 

The Video Professor: The whole carpet is mixed in with millions of mini-speakers and mini-microphones. Every time it changes music it makes a rhyme, too!

 

Radio Carpet: That’s right, Pro, how about some Cro-ws?

 

(Crows start to squawk from the carpet)

 

The Video Professor: Well, there are some drawbacks…you can’t walk on the carpet because of the speakers and microphones and sometimes it picks something bad!

 

Radio Carpet: I’m hungry, how about some music from Hungary?!

 

(The Video Professor looks at the camera with a weird face)

 

The Video Professor: Only $36000! Would you please buy it? Please?

 

(end)

 

Regurgitated Dehydrated Instant Soup

(Man barfs into a cup)

 

Man: we just dehydrate it, and sell it to you. Its that simple. Never the same taste, and almost nutritious! We have 300 healthy and not so healthy workers working day and night!

 

(the camera gets a view of an assembly line of people barfing into cups. Some have green faces)

(end)

 

Old Man Soda

Old Guy: Hello, everyone I’m ol’ Cornbucker, but you can just call me Corny!

 

(Corny takes a step to the right, leaning on his cane. After 10 seconds, he moves again to the right, but stops)

(a guy goes over and pushes the table next to Corny)

 

Corny: thank ye sonnee…

 

(Corny picks up a can that says Old Man Soda)

 

Corny: This soda here has so much energy-giving, we’re going to scroll it really really fast!

 

Sugar

Novacain

Heroine

Crystal Meth

Caffeine

Alcohol

Corn Syrup

Ricotta Cheese

Beef fiber

 

Corny: yeap! That’s a lot, ain’t it? With one drink of this here soaa-dy pop, you’ll feel like a kid again!

 

(Corny takes a swig, and he tosses his cane into the air, grabs it and does a stupid dance)

 

Corny: see! I’m feelin’ like a high teenager now, and I’m going to get lots of pussy! One sip lasts ten hours! Drink enough, and you’ll feel like a kid forever, until your heard explodes or your stomach walls collapse! But who cares? We were gonna die of that anyway! Dah dah duh dah!

 

(Corny dances off to the left)

(end)

 

Super Secure Trash Cans

Announcer Guy: hello, I am the announcer guy that seems to be the voice of every commercial and movie trailer that has an announcer in it, and I don’t get any flippin’ credit! How do people know how to hire me? I’m not exactly rich, because I’m not put into the credits or anything. But somehow, this Trash Can Company called the Super Trash Can Company hired me for 15 and a half bucks to tell you about their new product, the Super Secure Trash Cans.

(Announcer Guy walks net to a trash can)

Announcer Guy: are you pissed off at assholes trying to steal your garbage so it doesn’t go to the dump, and they’d actually probably get some use out of your trash? Now, if you buy these new trash cans, keys come with them, so you can lock and unlock your trash cans! Ain’t that great? There’s also a way to get thieves that really mean business-wanting to cut open the trash can with an axe or by any means necessary including, but not limited to

(scrolls really fast)

  • Drowing the trash can
  • Cutting it open with an axe
  • Ramming it with a bulldozer
  • Fast-talking politician-type speech

Announcer Guy: If you get the Deluxe version, the trash can defends itself. Observe.

(Announcer Guy walks nearer to the trash can)

Trash Can: STEP AWAY FROM THE TRASH CAN-OR ELSE!

Announcer Guy: most people would have crapped their panties already, but if they realllllllllly want your trash can that badly, and take one step closer…

(Announcer Guy takes one step closer)

Trash Can: you asked for it, asshole

(Trash Can sprouts legs and arms, and the Trash Can reaches inside and takes out a shotgun, blowing Announcer Guy away, and stomping on him over and over)

(The Trash Can runs around blowing away the camera guys and staff)

(The screen cuts to the Technical Difficulties sign with Dacky on it, playing classical music)

(fade out)

(end)

 

Bozo the Clown Deodorants

Bozo the Clown: Hello, I died. Pay your respects to the original one and only Bozo the Clown (me) by buying my new line of deodorants.

 

(Bozo the Clown shows the bar of deodorant)

 

Bozo the Clown: It comes in many flavors. In addition to making you smell great…

 

(Bozo the Clown licks the deodorant)

 

Bozo the Clown: It tastes great!

 

(Bozo the Clown gives a thumbs up)

(end)