The Barney Love Connection Episode 1

(a bad remake of the I Love Lucy them song plays, making it sound gayer than it regularly does)

(Barney, the purple dinosaur prances out on stage with a microphone)

(audience is clapping)


Barney: duh huh! I’m Barney, the purple dinosaur, and this is the Barney Love Connection! Yaay!!


(audience cheers loudly)


Barney: This is the show where we give losers that can’t find a date or get any at all, the choice to go out with 3 lovely people, or do 1 alternative choice which could range from anything to nothing!


(audience cheers)


Barney: now let’s welcome our first loser: Mr. Dan Dan the Motorcycle Man!


(Dan Dan rides in on a tricycle sitting down on a heart shaped couch next to Barney)


Barney: Dan Dan, we’ve got a spectacular line up for you today. 1st, lets go to the women for you!


(a shadowy figure appears in each of three boxes to the right of a bigger screen)

(the first of the 3 boxes appears on the bigger screen, and an announcer starts talking)


Announcer: Betty Ba-doop is a brunette from South Alabama. She enjoys space walks, and vacuums. She’s really into guys that can be like a vacuum on her…


(the box fades away, and the second one comes up)


Announcer: Erin White-ass is a blonde woman from Northern New Jersey who enjoys to take long baths with men and drink radioactive water. She has a third boob, extra fun for every one…


(the box fades away, and the third one comes up)


Announcer: Stripper McGoog is a stripper at a local nudey bar. Stripper likes to be naked.


Barney: wow! I wish I were you, so I could pick #3! But! If you don’t like it…(along with the audience) TAKE the ALTERNATIVE CHOICE!!


(audience cheers)


Barney: Let’s show him his alternative choice!


Announcer: if you don’t like any of the women, here, you have to make out with…THIS CAN OF TOMATO PASTE!!!


(the camera zooms in and out on a can of tomato paste over and over)


audience: ewwww!


Dan Dan (rubbing his chin): hmmm…


Barney: what’s it gonna be, Dan Dan? Is it gonna be Betty Ba-doop, Erin White-ass or Stripper McGoog? OR the Alternative choice?? Let’s see what the audience says!


(everyone says something different)

(everyone quiets down)


Idiot: number 8!!


(everyone looks at Idiot like he’s an Idiot and then a sniper shoots him from the rafters)


Idiot: squash


(Idiot dies)


Dan Dan: hmm….


Barney: have you made up your mind!??


Dan Dan: yes! I pick #3!!


(annoying bells ring and lights flash)


Barney: congratulations! You picked Stripper McGoog! Let’s see her!


(Stripper’s face appears in the big square again, and is revealed showing a man in a wig, with a beard. He waves at Dan Dan, and blows him a kiss)


Dan Dan (faling out of his seat): ahhh!!!!


(Stripper McGoog walks out from behind the TV screen running over to Dan Dan getting on top of him. You can now see Stripper McGoog is wearing a yellow rubber kinda dress thingy and platform shoes)


Barney: wow! I bet you sure woulda wanted to have made-out with the tomato paste….hahahaha….


(Stripper McGoog kisses Dan Dan over and over as the camera pans out)


Barney: we’ll find out how the date went, and pair up another 2 losers next episode!


(crowd applauds as credits roll and music plays as it does too)


Announcer: The Barney Love Connection with your host Barney Dinosaur is brought to you in main part by SBC, because they don’t have any better shows to put on the air right now, and also Queer-ker Oatmeal!




Pablo and Georges

Soup Nazi: Hi, I’m Pablo Picasso. I like to do art stuff and….draw…and paint in cubed drawing. Whee! I’m Spanish.

stimpyismyname: hello, I’m Pablo’s friend Georges Braque. I’m Spanish, too. I like to draw and paint, so maybe you should like our paintings. Let’s get some customer feedback.

davepoobond: these paintings are pieces of crap! But I love’m all!

Sara: yes, these are so bad, they’re good

Lisa: these paintings are very popular and you can’t even make out what they are drawing!

Soup Nazi: I’m such a great artist, aren’t I, Georges?

stimpyismyname: yes, I am too.

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes



The Death of Mrs. Stickums

This is the prequel to “The Attack of Mrs. Stickums”

(Mrs. Stickums is tied to a post)Mrs. Stickums: give me one last Chupa Chu! Please I beg of you!

Commander of firing squad: no last requests for smelly fat blonde Health teachers born in China that boast about it!

(a line of guys with rocket launchers line up next to the commander and arm their rocket launchers. They aim at Mrs. Stickums)

Commander (waves his sword): FIRE!!

Mrs. Stickums: NOOOO!

Commander: YEEEESSS!!

Mrs. Stickums: noooo!

Commander: yeeess!

Mrs. Stickums: no!

Commander: yes!

(all this takes about 10 minutes)

(the guys finally fire, and blew Mrs. Stickums up…but!)

Mrs. Stickums: haw haw haw! Now I have enough power to escape!

Commander: oh NO! she’s so fat she absorbed the energy from the rocket explosions!

(Mrs. Stickums blasts off with her fart power and sparkles in the distance)

Commander: well…too bad we didn’t just leave her there to starve, instead…we killed the universe…

Guy 1: seriously, how long do you think that’ll take for her to starve?

Commander: who knows??!

(everyone turns to the camera and shrugs, the rockets going off again, killing them)

(that means no one knows Mrs. Stickums escaped!)



Bye Bye Family

(the family finds out they have a genetic disorder that runs through the family)

Dad: great, just great

Mom: boo!

Kid: ahhhh!

(everyone gets medical tests and have found out they got a bad genetic disorder and are bedridden for life, and a tremendous strain on their family’s financing)



The Pump Girls Episode 8

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 5


(Mommy Manager walks in)


Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!


AshAsh: ah, great…


JayJay: yay!


FartFart: whoohoo!


KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!


Homey: can I go to school, too?


Mommy Manager: I…suppose


Homey: yay!


(camera zooms in on Homey)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)





(along the way to school)


Homey (thinking): oh man, I don’t wanna go to school…what am I thinking? Oh yeah, there’s lots of LSD at school, I forgot…heh, silly me.


(KayKay blows bubbles in his face)


KayKay: Mr. Homey, why do you like school? I thought you were at lest 23


Homey: well, I am. I never graduated though. I got hooked onto LSD…


(Homey props his legs up on AshAsh’s head)


Homey: And I’ve been riding the SOOOOOOOUL TRAIN ever since


KayKay: what’s that?


Homey (looks out the window, ignoring KayKay): hey, look at that! a tree!


KayKay: you’re mean!


Homey: yes, I know


AshAsh: get your feet off my head!


(AshAsh grabs a handful of Homey’s leg hairs)


Homey: owwwwww!


Mommy Manager: we’re here!


Homey: finally…


(The Pump Girls leave, except Homey)

(Homey makes his way out, but Mommy Manager holds him by the shirt)


Mommy Manager: listen carefully. If I have to come pick you up for doing something illegal, don’t bother calling!


Homey: umm….k


(Homey jumps out of the van as it zooms away, rolling on the floor


Homey: oh…k…my next class is…Mrs. Stickums…


(Homey walks into the school, going to Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(elmoisfurry and davepoobond walks towards the class as well, and see Homey go in the room)


davepoobond: the hell? That guy smells..


(elmoisfurry shrugs)

(they walk into Mrs. Stickums’s room)

(Homey sits down in Mrs. Stickums’s chair, not knowing its hers)




Homey: ah! Ok!


(Homey gets out of the chair, accidentally bumping a rock that has “patience” chiseled in it onto the floor)


Mrs. Stickums (sreaming): DON’T TOUCH MY PATIENCE ROCK!!


(Homey shrivels up into a fetal position, crying)


Homey: leave me alone…


Mrs. Stickums: ok, class, today I will teach you about drugs


Homey (stops crying): drugs? All riiight!


Mrs. Stickums: open your books to page 420 and start reading, while I sit in front of the room eating large amounts of sugary lollipops and making myself evermore the fat bitch, not actually being a teacher


Homey: do we get to sample the drugs?


Mrs. Stickums (raising her fist): I’ll let you sample a little of this!


Homey: what is that?


Mrs. Stickums: my fist!


Homey: what about it?


(Mrs. Stickums punches Homey, and he flies through the roof, landing on the roof)


Homey: owww…that fat bitch…


(Homey gets dizzy and passes out)

(Homey wakes up a little later, next to a naked person)


Homey: AH! YUCK!


(Homey grabs the person and tosses her off, into a crowd of people. The crowd of people look up after a few minutes)


Crowd of people: murderer!


Homey: ah crap.


(next thing Homey knew, he was in jail)

(25 people are sitting around lifting waits and junk)


Homey: hey, how’s it going? Where is this?


Tiny: this is the Golden State Penitentiary, and its Story Time. So you better tell us a pretty good friggin story if you wanna stay alive


(Homey tells the story of the day)

(after Homey tells his story, everyone is crying)


Tiny: did she REALLY tear off all that leg hair?


Homey: yeah, look!


(Homey points to a bald spot on his leg)


Tiny: man, if I ever see her, I’m gonna kill her)


(AshAsh is thrown into the same cell as them)


Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?


Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!


(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(Homey checks his pockets, and gets a little eye dropper out, waving it around)


Homey: hey guys, lets have an LSD party!


25 people: yeah!


(just then, a guard smacks Homey in the head with a nightstick, knocking him out)



The Pump Girls Episode 7

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 4


(Mommy Manager walks in)


Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!


AshAsh: ah, great…


JayJay: yay!


FartFart: whoohoo!


KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!


Homey: can I go to school, too?


Mommy Manager: I…suppose


Homey: yay!


(camera zooms in on FartFart)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)





Mommy Manager: bye, Fart Fart


FartFart: ::fart:: bye!


(PeePee and PooPoo come along and walk around with FartFart)


PeePee: ::pee:: Hey, FartFart


FartFart: ::fart:: hi


PooPoo: ::poop:: what’s going on?


FartFart: ::fart:: nothin’ much


PooPoo: ::poop:: oh, that’s nice. Wanna do something cool?


FartFart: ::fart:: oh…k…


PeePee: ::pee:: fart the biggest fart ever and aim yourself at the gym


FartFart: ::fart:: ok!


(FartFart aims herself towards the gym and farts really loudly, propelling her into the air, flying towards the gym)


FartFart: wow! I’m flyingggg


(FartFart smacks into the gym’s wall and it collapses, with FartFart in the middle of the destruction)

(FartFart faints after she gives off another huge fart)



The Pump Girls Episode 6

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 3


(Mommy Manager walks in)


Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!


AshAsh: ah, great…


JayJay: yay!


FartFart: whoohoo!


KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!


Homey: can I go to school, too?


Mommy Manager: I…suppose


Homey: yay!


(camera zooms in on KayKay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)





Mommy Manager: have a good-


KayKay (ripping off her clothes): FREEEEEEEDOOMMM!!


(KayKay runs into the school)


KayKay (thinking): they have some nice broom sticks in the Janitor’s Closet


(KayKay runs into the Janitor’s closet)

(Whoa, Crow, Foe, Moe, and Joe come in, too)


KayKay: what are you guys doing here?


Crow: umm…we wanna play “Get drunks so we can…do stuff” with you…


Joe: that’s it


KayKay: ok


(Foe hands KayKay a crack pipe and a bottle of LSD)


Foe: drink up


(KayKay gets “drunk” and falls over, seeing many hallucinations. She becomes delirious and doesn’t know what is happening any more)

(she stays like that until she goes back to the hospital)



The Pump Girls Episode 5

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 2


(Mommy Manager walks in)


Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!


AshAsh: ah, great…


JayJay: yay!


FartFart: whoohoo!


KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!


Homey: can I go to school, too?


Mommy Manager: I…suppose


Homey: yay!


(camera zooms in on JayJay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)




(JayJay walks towards the playground, she wants to play Dodge ball)


JayJay: hey, Guys! Can I play dodge ball too?


Guys: ok! DODGE!


(Guys throws the ball right at Jay Jay’s head)

(the ball hits her head, and she goes unconscious)

(when she wakes up, she’s naked, and on top of the school’s roof)


JayJay: AAAH!


(as JayJay was screaming, a big bird shit, and it fell into her mouth)


JayJay: ewww!


(JayJay tries to spit out what she can, but she swallowed the whole thing)


Homey: shut up!


(Homey grabs JayJay and lodges her off the roof, into a crowd of people, and she lands on the ground, hard)


JayJay: ouch…


crowd of people: ewwwwww!!


(the crowd of people start kicking JayJay, and she gets a concussion)



The Pump Girls Episode 4

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 1


(Mommy Manager walks in)


Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!


AshAsh: ah, great…


JayJay: yay!


FartFart: whoohoo!


KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!


Homey: can I go to school, too?


Mommy Manager: I…suppose


Homey: yay!


(camera zooms in on AshAsh)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)




Mommy Manager: ok, AshAsh. Have a nice first day at school!


AshAsh: ok..::thinking:: boy it’ll be nice to hang around my REAL friends for a change…


(AshAsh walks toward the school)



Joe: whoa! Crow? Foe? Moe!


Whoa: yehh babyy…back to school man! Yeeeehaw!


Moe: hey look over there!


(Moe points to AshAsh, entering the building)


Foe: that’s one of them Pump Girls ain’t it?


Moe: you bet your pants it is!


Joe: lets rape her!


Moe: nah man…that’s for the last day of school


Joe: oh yeah…


(Joe, Crow, Foe, Whoa and Moe go over to AshAsh, surrounding her so she can’t get away)


AshAsh: uhh…hey, guys…what’s…happening? ::thinking: gawd, I can’t believe I’m talking to the hottest guys in the school


Joe: we were wondering…


(KayKay all of a sudden runs by them, naked)


Moe: Whoa! What the hell? Look at that!


Whoa: Aaaah! Let’s go!


(Joe, Crow, Moe, Whoa and Foe chase after KayKay. She is giggling in a really high pitched voice and runs into a janitor’s closet)

(AshAsh sighs, and goes to her class)


Ms. E: hello, class, welcome to Algebra 1. Today is your first day of school!


(the class boos)


Ms. E: that’s why we’re having the test on Chapter 12, in 3 minutes. You have 3 minutes to figure out all the algebraic equations in the book!


(AshAsh just stares at the teacher)


Ms. E: What are YOU looking at Little Miss Missy. Get to work!!


AshAsh: My name is-


Ms. E: What did I tell you, Little Miss Missy? GO TO WORK OR YOU GO TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!!


AshAsh: uhh


(suddenly a huge explosion occurs, and the gym collapses)


Class: whoa!


(the whole class rushes up to the window, looking at the gym)


Moné: wow! The gym blew up!


AshAsh: umm…yeah…


Ms. E: ok, back to class everyone


(a big fart is let loose from the gym)

(sirens are heard as they near the school’s gym)


Ms. E: CLASS! Since the gym blew up and you are all traumatized, I suppose we won’t have the test today. Oh, look at that. School is almost over. Goodbye everyone


(everyone leaves the classroom as the bell rings)

(Moné grabs AshAsh’s ass and winks at her, walking away. Moné is a girl)


AshAsh: ……..


(AshAsh walks out of the school and back to the hospital)

(a parole officer stops AshAsh)


Parole officer: What do you think you are doing? Its 2.37 seconds before school ends, what are you doing? Skipping class? That’s it Little Miss Missy, you’re going to jail!


(the Parole officer grabs AshAsh and shoves her into a police car)


AshAsh: ahhh!


(in prison)


Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?


Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!


(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(fade out, AshAsh goes unconcious)



Gary’s Tux n’ Shit

(a man, Gary, is sitting cross legged in a chair)


Gary: you’re gonna love the way you look in one of my suits. Each suit is personally tailored by me or one of my thousands of other employees if you’re not making an annual income of over 3 million dollars, or offering sexual pleasure for free for me. Let’s see some of the tuxedos you can get!


(cuts to men in tuxedos walking out in a model show, with flashing lights and people taking pictures for about 2 minutes. It gets really boring because you can’t really tell any difference between the suits, then a fat man in a pink suit walks out, and everyone stops, and you can hear “whaa?” from everybody)


Fat Man in Pink Suit (in a gay voice): hey guys! The directions you gave me were wrong! I had to give a few BJs to get some information on how to get here.


(cuts to Gary in the corner of the room)


Gary: Larry! Go away! You’re ruining my commercial!


Larry: hi Gary!


(Larry waves gay-like at Gary, not listening to what he said)




(Security Guard walks over to Larry and puts his hands to his hips)


Larry: don’t be so silly, I’m the star of the show!


(Larry pets the Security Guards chest, also gayly)


Security Guard: ok, that’s it! Self defense!


(Security Guard pulls out his nightstick and clocks Larry in the chin)


Larry (on the floor): ow! My chin! I use that for oral sex!


Security Guard: shut up!


(Security Guard takes out a handgun and shoots Larry full of lead)

(cuts back to Gary in the room with him sitting on a chair. He has an amazed look on his face and blinks a few times. He looks back at the camera and then smiles like nothing happened)


Gary: so remember, come on down to Gary’s Tux n’ Shit. If you’re wondering about the “shit” part, we sell lots of accessories for your tuxedo, as well as shit! If we didn’t we’d be sued for false advertising…


(Gary gets up and walks away)

(fade out)



Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo


Old Guy – Jerry Seinfeld

Lick My Balls – Mike Tyson

Ming – Cameron Diaz

Master Tea – Mr. T

Mrs. Pa – Jim Carrey

Fan – Marilyn Manson

Low – Macauly Culkin

Governor Pu – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Green Fox – Roseanne

Guard 1 – Michael J. Fox

Guard 2 – John Goodman

Naked Guy – Charlie Sheen

Governor Pu’s Wife – Tom Cruise

Officer – Mike Myers

Officer’s daughter – Tom Hanks

Master Bo – Ben Stein

Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo(a bird is flying overhead)

(the bird poops, and falls down on the bald head of an old guy)

(the guy doesn’t know about it because he was smoking some weed in his pipe)

Old Guy: Wow! Lick My Balls is here!

(scene change to an old lady running through a Dance studio)

Mrs. Pa: Lick My Balls is here! Lick My Balls is here! I must set up his room!

Ming (sees Mrs. Pa running past): Lick My Balls? He’s here?

(Lick My Balls walks into the Dance Studio)

Lick My Balls: hello, Ming

Ming: oooh! Lick My Balls, whatever are you doing here? I thought you were training at Wudan Dance Studio!

Lick My Balls: Yes, well, a funny thing happened. While I was riverdancing, I fell into a dark cave. It smelled really bad, so I tried to get out of it with all the dance steps I had! But I could not get out! My master never told me of such a place, nor how to get out of one

Ming: and then?

Lick My Balls: I clapped my heels together with my sparkly red shoes and did a Russian Dance, then I was suddenly here, in this place thingy where you live.

Ming: You could not have come at a worst time. I have to ship some dirty hay to Pecking.

Lick My Balls: Pecking…I want you to do something for me…I want you to take the Red Destiny shoes and give them to Master Tea

(Ming is astonished)

Ming: Why would you ever do that? You deserve the Red Destiny shoes. You and them are one, and such.

Lick My Balls: the Red Destiny shoes have killed too many on my feet, to keep its red color…I cannot use them because I have retired from being a Dancer.

Ming: oh…why don’t you give it to him yourself?

Lick My Balls: I cannot. I have…other business to do

(Lick My Balls puts a shoe box onto the table near them, opening it up)

Lick My Balls: they’re pretty, eh?

Ming: yes. If you can, come to Pecking

Lick My Balls (thinking for a second): ok, I suppose

(next day)

(Ming and Old Guy roll up their wagon to the gates of Pecking, the guards forcing them to stop)

Guard 1: May I see your license and registration, please?

Ming: ok

(Ming give them to Guard 1)

(Guard 2 sees a naked guy running up to him and he whacks him in the face with his nightstick, continuing to beat him down into the dirt)

Guard 1: ok, you’re cleared

(Guard 1 gives back Ming’s things and helps Guard 2 beat down the naked guy)


Naked Guy: Because, I love your sexual massages

Guard 1: nasty

(Guard 2 chucks a rock at the Naked Guy’s head)

(Naked Guy gets a concussion, and bleeds to death)

Guard 1: that’ll teach him…

(fade out)

(fade in, Ming is in Master Tea’s room)

(Ming puts the shoe box with the Red Destiny shoes on the table)

Ming: Lick My Balls presents you with these shoes, for he no longer can have them in his possession

Master Tea: such a greater dancer he is, Lick My Balls, for I cannot accept these shoes he tries to give me, for these shoes belong to him and he looks mighty sexy in them as well

(Ming doesn’t understand what he said)

Ming: Lick My Balls is going through a very hard time now, and you would take much anguish off his shoulders if you accepted it…

Master Tea: I know not what anguish is for I am just Master Tea, but it must be a bad thing so I will accept the Red Destiny shoes shoes and (shouting) PUT IT ON TOP OF THIS NICE TABLE! I HOPE NO ONE STEALS IT!

(Master Tea and Ming stay silent for a while not saying anything)

Master Tea: ….right, I’ll show you around

(Master Tea and Ming walk around until they come back to the room with the Red Destiny shoes in it)

(Fan is right in front of the Red Destiny shoebox, starting at it like a dumb bitch)

Master Tea: hey! Who the hell are you?

Fan: I am Governor Pu’s daughter, Fan

Master Tea: oh. Sorry. uhh…..bye

(Master Tea runs away)

Fan: what is your name?

Ming: my name is-

(Ming all of a sudden gets his by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Who threw that!!?

(Ming rubs her head, where she got hit by the doughnut)

Ming: my name is Ming

Fan: oooh. Are you a dancer?

Ming: yes

Fan: do you know Lick My Balls?

Ming: yes, I’ll show you his famous Red Destiny shoes if you like

Fan: oh yes, I’d like that very much!

(the scene switches to Ming taking out the Red Destiny shoes)

Ming: its sparkling red color tells everyone its been made 500 years ago, crafted under gifted zookeepers with a special material, possibly made by the God of Special Materials. Sparkle sparkle!

Fan (amazed at the sight of the shoes): Lick My Balls’s Red Destiny shoes…he’s actually worn them?

Ming: ……..yes

Fan: I’m getting married to a man named Pou. Wish I weren’t though

Ming: oh

Fan: I must go, for some reason. I hear my parents calling

(Fan skips away)

(at night, in Fan’s room)

(Green Fox walks in, but you don’t know its Green Fox)

(Green Fox starts to make up Fan’s hair)

Green Fox: I saw you talking with that dancer, Ming. Your mother would not appreciate knowing you were conversing with her

Fan: I’ll talk with whomever I want. I’m tired, leave now or I’ll kick your fat ass

Green Fox: harsh words from a harsh man

Fan: I’m not a man!

(Green Fox leaves)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Tea and Governor Pu are in the room with the Red Destiny shoes)

Master Tea: those are the Red Destiny shoes worn by Lick My Balls!

Governor Pu: wow!

(Governor Pu puts them on and pot gets smashed)

Governor Pu: Whoops

(Master Tea smacks his head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at night, with a ninja running across the courtyard where the Red Destiny shoes are)

(quietly, the ninja comes in through the window, taking the Red Destiny shoes out of it, putting them on)

(the ninja leaves the same way, quietly, but a sparkle from the Red Destiny shoes reflects into the eye of Master Bo)

(Master Bo looks at where the sparkle was and sees the ninja. He starts yelling)

Master Bo: Thief! Thief! He has the Red Destiny shoes!!

Ninja: shit

(the Ninja jumps off the ground, dancing through the air and flying to the top of the house)

Ninja: hyaaa!

(the Ninja runs across the roofs of the buildings, jumping from one to the next)

Ming: where did he go?

(Ming sees something fly with red on its feet)

(Ming chases after the Ninja dancing up the wall)

Ming: halt!

(Ming points to the air and she flies into it, jumping right in front of the ninja)

Ming (holding the Ninja’s shoulder): return the Red Destiny shoes, and you will go unharmed

Ninja: don’t bet on it, bitch

(the Ninja kicks Ming in the shin with one of the Red Destiny shoes, and Ming flies 3 buildings away, whacking into a chimney)

Ming: stop! You won’t get away!

Ninja (yelling): yes I will!

(Ninja starts tap dancing really really fast in place, then in a red streak, zooms past 15 more buildings)

Ming: whoa

(Ming boosts off the chimney, flying in a straight line, tackling Ninja to the ground)

Ninja: ah! You biiitch!

(Ninja jumps out from under Ming)

Ninja: yaaah!

(Ninja jumps into the air, landing on Ming’s forehead and dancing on it)

Ming: aaaaiiyyyeeeeeee!

Ninja: die!

(Ming grabs the Ninja’s legs, and slams her down to the ground)

(the Ninja gets up and runs away, dancing up a wall, trying to get away)

Ming: come back and fight!

(Ming runs to the wall, running up it, chasing after the ninja, along the wall)

Ninja (in a squirrelly voice): You may be quick, but you can’t catch meeee! Heeeeheeheeeheeeheee!

Ming: what! I kill you!

(Ming jumps off, grabbing Ninja around the neck, slamming her into the floor)

(Ninja jumps up, grabbing Ming’s head and slamming it on the floor)

(Ming is unconscious for 2 seconds, but sees Ninja jumping over a building)

Ming (slamming her fist on the ground): dammit!

(next day)

Master Tea: Ming, someone is here to see you

Ming: oh

(Ming looks around and sees Lick My Balls)

Ming: Lick My Balls is here!

(at a table)

Ming: Lick My Balls, the Red Destiny shoes have been stolen

Lick My Balls: really?

Ming: I think I know who it is

Lick My Balls: who?

Ming: Fan, Governor Pu’s daughter

Lick My Balls: oh…

Ming: I’ll take care of it

(fade out)

(fade in)

Ming: thank you for having me, Mrs. Pu

Mrs. Pu: ohohohoh! You’re welcome! I just hope we find the thief soon

Ming: ok

(Ming throws her tea at Fan, but Fan catches it, not spilling a drop)

(Ming gets hit by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Whoever stole the Red Destiny shoes should put them back, and they won’t get hurt

(at night)

(the Ninja comes back, jumping in the same window, slowly taking off the Red Destiny shoes, and putting them in the box)

Lick My Balls: what are you dong up so late? Shining shoes?

Ninja: shit!

(the Ninja tries to escape, but Lick My Balls grabs the Ninja and throws her down to the floor)

Lick My Balls: who are you?

Ninja: Lick my balls, Lick My Balls!

Lick My Balls: why’d you call my name twice?

Ninja: I didn’t!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls in the balls)

Lick My Balls (grabbing his balls): AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Ninja runs away as Lick My Balls goes unconscious)

Ninja: haha I lost him!

Lick My Balls: no you didn’t!

(Lick My Balls runs up and kicks Ninja in the back)

Ninja: aaah!

Lick My Balls: lucky for me, I have no balls!

(Ninja faces Lick My Balls)

Lick My Balls: You dance and fight well. I would like to teach you

Ninja: you’re a fag! No way!

(Lick My Balls gets a stick and whacks Ninja with it)

Ninja: aah!

Lick My Balls: call my name! Say I’m your daddy!

Ninja: never!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Lick My Balls: say it!

Ninja: Lick My Ass!

Lick My Balls: that’s not it!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Ninja: go away!

(Ninja jumps up over a wall and disappears)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Bo is looking through a window and sees a guy with metal thingys, and a girl with a knife. He gets an astonished face)

(late at night)

(Master Bo sneaks into the house and looks at a bunch of papers)

Officer: hey! What are you doing?? Stop looking at my porn stories!

(Officer grabs Master Bo, putting a knife to his neck)

Master Bo: no, no! Don’t kill me! I’m a fan!

(next morning)

Officer’s daughter: soup’s ready!

Master Bo: yay!

(Officer’s daughter punches Master Bo)

Officer’s daughter: dad gets first pick!

(all of a sudden a dart flies in, but officer catches it with his spoon)

Officer’s daughter: waz zat??

(Officer unravels the note on the dart)

Officer (reading off the note): meet me by the Port-a-Potties

(Officer crumples up the paper and smiles)

Officer: we’ve got her!

(later, at the Port-a-Potties)

Green Fox: hiyaa!

(they all fight)

Officer: hiyaa! Yaaa!

Master Bo: oooh! Ooh! Ya ya!

Officer’s daughter: whooooo! Whoo! Dodge! Jump!

(Officer tosses one of his Ball Choppers at Green Fox, but Green Fox grabs it, then throws it back at Officer, chopping off his balls)

Officer: my balls!

(Officer dies)

Officer’s daughter: Father! Nooooo!

(Officer’s daughter charges at Green Fox with her Ass Rammer, but misses)

(Ninja comes down, with the Red Destiny shoes on)

Ninja: hiyaa!

(Ninja makes her way over to their fighting, but Lick My Balls flies down in front of her)

Lick My Balls: call me your daddy!

(Lick My Balls whacks her with a stick, again)

Ninja: I’m gonna kick your little bitch ass!

(Lick My Balls and Ninja start having a dancing contest)

(Lick My Balls riverdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Riverdance!

(Ninja Ninja dances)

Ninja: ha! Ninja dance!

(Lick My Balls tap dances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tap dance!

(Ninja doesn’t move)

Ninja: ha! Dead Dance!

(Lick My Balls breakdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Breakdance!

(Ninja square dances)

Ninja: ha! Square dance!

(Lick My Balls waltzes)

Lick My Balls: ha! Waltz!

(Ninja freestyles)

Ninja: ha! Freestyle!

(Lick My Balls tangos)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tango!

(Ninja polkas)

Ninja: ha! Polka!

Lick My Balls: ew!

Ninja: what?

Lick My Balls: ha! Ew Dance!

(Lick My Balls honks Ninja’s nose, then breaks her arm)

Ninja: aaah! My arm!!!!!!

(Ninja Macarenas)

Ninja: I win! I did the Macarena!

Lick My Balls: BITCH!

(Lick My Balls bitchslaps Ninja)

(Ninja bitchslaps back)

(they bitchslap each other over and over)

Ninja: die!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls’s head and runs away with Green Fox, waving a streamer behind them)

Green Fox: whee! This isn’t over, Lick My Balls!!

(next day)

(Officer is lying on the ground, in front of Master Tea)

Master Tea: who was this?

Officer’s daughter: he is my father…he was an officer for the police

Master Tea: oh. Bury him. Master Bo, guard officer’s daughter

(Master Tea winks)

Master Bo: ok!

Ming: we can only wait now…

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Green Fox is in Fan’s room)

Fan: you killed a police officer today! What did you think you were doing!!??

Green Fox: I was thinking about killing the police officer

Fan: now, the whole police force will come!

Green Fox: like I give a crap?

Fan: you would!

Green Fox: would what?

Fan: give a crap!

Green Fox: you want me to give you a crap?

Fan: go awayyyyy!!!

(Fan pushes Green Fox out the door)


(Low sneaks into Fan’s room)

Low (whispering): Fan? Fan?

Fan (jumping out of bed): Low! What are you doing here!?

(Fan runs to Low, hugging him)

Low: I want to take you away from here, to the desert!

Fan: ….

(wavy lines)

Man: this is the drug induces flashback of Fan

(wavy lines stop, and Fan is lying down on a donkey in the middle of the desert)

(a man next to her is walking with his hands)

Girl: the circus is coming! The circus is-

(the man walking on his hands shoots the girl)

Man on his hands: we’re not the circus! We’re the people that have come for your bagel juice!

Girl: oh noooooo! Don’t take our bagel juice away! Anything but that!

(Girl dies)

Man on his hands: ahahahahaha!

Man on pogo stick: oh NO! Its DARK POOP!!!!!

(everyone spreads out)

everyone: Dark Poop! Dark Poop!

Low: Dark Poop! ATTACK!! Don’t hurt the women, children, and gay men!!!

(5 people attack the crowd of 200 men with Fan)

Man on pogo stick: Dark Poop!!!! Get ready!

(in one second, 190 of the men die)

(Low comes over to Fan, taking her panties and smells them)

Low: mmh…smells pretty


Low: come and get me!

(Low smacks his donkay’s ass rides away fast)

Fan: Donkey! Hurry!

(Fan slaps the Donkey’s ass)

Donkey: oh yeah! Harder baby, harder!

(Fan smacks it harder, and they speed after Low on his Donkay)

(they chase Low around for 3 weeks)

(they end up by a “river”)

Low: your donkey is thirsty, there is a river near here

(Low looks around)

Low: well, there was a river…

(Low throws a cow stomach full of water at Fan)

Fan: ew, you bastard, you expect me to drink out of this?

(Fan drinks the whole thing)

Fan: sick bastard

(Fan throws the stomach back at him, dropkicking him as soon as Low caught it)

Low: ow!

Fan: give. Panties. Now!

Low: no!

(they chase each other around for another 3 weeks)

(Low and Fan roll down a hill)

(Low and Fan skip back up the hill, holding hands)

Man: Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pale of water-

(Fan takes Low’s bucket slamming it on his hand, tossing him down the hill again)

Man: Jill slammed the bucket on his head, sent him rolling down and Jill came jumping down…on top of Jack….?

(Man shoots himself in the head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a cave)

(Fan is tied up at the wrists and feet)

Low: careful, if I would have wanted to do it, I’d have done it- which I did!

Fan: ew! You bastard! Where’s my panties?

Low: I ate them

Fan: nooooooooooooooo! MY peanut-butter flavored edible panties! I was gonna eat them for dinner!

Low: aw, poor baby. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(blah blah blah. Low and Fan have sex 300 times in the cave, and 300 times on the same rock outside)

(wavy lines)

(for some reason, they are in a green Mountain Valley, and Low and Fan are looking at a mountain)

Low: see that mountain over there?

(Low points in the general direction of about a hundred mountains)

Fan: yes

Low: they say that if you jump off it, and make a wish, it will come true, but *you* won’t come back…

Fan: oh

(wavy lines)

(Low and Fan have sex 300 times in a tent)

(wavy lines)

(wavy fade in to present)

Fan: no, I can’t I’m getting married

Low: to who?

Fan: a man named Pou

Low: I kill him!

Fan: no! leave, now! I never want to see you again!

(Low brings out a little baggie)

Low: here’s your edible panties

(Low empties the thrown up panties in Fan’s hand, and leaves)

(crying, Fan eats it)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a parade to Fan’s wedding)

(Ming and Lick My Balls are overlooking the area just in case Green Fox appears)

(since this is really boring, she does, spitting popsicle sticks out of a pipe. Lots and lots)

(Lick My Balls whacks them all out of the air with his stick, but one gets in his nose)

(Everyone dies, count on a sequel)



Cheerleader Outlet

Woman Announcer: Cheerleader Outlet – the world’s GREATEST Cheerleader store!


(products of all types zoom up to the screen, and a crappy “explosion” kind of drawing behind each thing. Behind the product, you can see “the store” with people “shopping”)

(for each thing that comes up, someone names it)


Cheerleader Pam: Skirts! Pom Poms! Glitter! Sweaters! T-Shirts! Glitter! Lube! Condoms! Glitter! We’ve got it ALL here!


(scene cuts to a hot cheerleader, Cheerleader Pam, walking down an aisle of t-shirts, sweaters, skirts, and sweatpants)


Cheerleader Pam: Cheerleader Outlet is THE place to get your cheerleader-needs! Forget those ridiculously expensive magazines selling USED clothes! We get our clothes directly from the factory!


(Cheerleader Pam picks up a pair of socks)


Cheerleader Pam: look at these socks! They’re striped at the top! ONLY $120 EACH sock! And its new! That’s the same price for a used sock from a magazine!


(scene cuts to Cheerleader Pam in a room with Pom Poms hanging off the ceiling from strings)


Cheerleader Pam: we have the largest amount of Pom Poms in one room in the world! We have EVERY color combination and in all sizes! We also have flags for you flaggies out there!


(Cheerleaders come out of nowhere, grabbing Pom Poms and flags and get in formation behind Cheerleader Pam. They all do their cheerleading shit for a minute and end up in a pose with all their asses pointing to the camera)


Cheerleader Pam: its extravagant!


(cuts to Cheerleader Pam walking down the accessories aisle)


Cheerleader Pam: now, we all know that the clothes and the moves only makes you two fourths of a cheerleader. If you want to be a genuine cheerleader, you need some accessories! Like:


(with each thing she says, she grabs it out of the shelves and puts it in her arms)


Cheerleader Pam: Glitter….deoderant…little handbags, lipstick, lip gloss, eye shadow, other expensive makeup in a little bag, candy necklaces, and you can’t forget the lube and condoms!


(she winks)

(scene cuts to another section of the store, where sirens and guns are on display)


Cheerleader Pam: for security, from photographers, boys that just can’t wait, or moms about to walk in on your love making, we offer security systems and other security things, such as Wanguards, and Butt-Hugger Brand Short Shorts for those nasty photographers that think they’re so smart, when we jump into the air, and our skirts fly up…pshhh…ok, come now.




The Pump Girls Episode 3

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Nothin’


(all the girls are unconscious in their beds)

(Dr. Kevorkian walks in and smiles)

(then, 10,000 men come in and “feel up” all the Pump Girls)

(fade out)


36 hours later


KayKay: hey! I found 3.675 cents in my uterus!


(everyone stares at her, then looks away, pretending they didn’t hear that)


AshAsh: that last performance sucked! And we’re going to be stuck in this hospital at least another week…


JayJay: Oh well


FartFart: ::fart:: I’m bored


AshAsh: yeah, me too…


(just then, Dr. Kevorkian wheels in Mommy Manager, Count Counter Clerk, and Homey the Homeless Man on hospital beds)


Count Counter Clerk: my head hurts…


Dr. Kevorkian: shut up you!


(Dr. Kevorkian smacks Count Counter Clerk on the head)


Count Counter Clerk: owww!


Homey: Smack him again!


(Mommy Manager is about to say something, but from excessive gas inhalation, she passes out)

(Dr. Kevorkian puts them in the line the Pump Girls are in, against the wall)


Dr. Kevorkian: I’m going to bring more playmates for you, just…you…wait


(Dr. Kevorkian laughs evilly as he closes the door)


AshAsh: I wonder what he meant by that…


(the door opens again, and Barney the big purple dinosaur gets rolled in, IV and breathing tanks hooked up all around him)


FartFart: BARNEY! What happened to you?


(Barney wheezes. The computer he is hooked up to speaks for him)


Computer: I was hit by a car, then beat down with crowbars…it hurt…then the steamroller, and the bombs…


(AshAsh blinks)


AshAsh: kay.


KayKay: yeah?


AshAsh: blah


KayKay: all right


FartFart: wow


JayJay: poor Barney…


Dr. Kevorkian: yeah, and I had a hell of a time trying to find out where he breathed from


(there’s tubes hooked up everywhere on Barney, on his pinky, into his ear, in his black eye and some tubes you can’t see where they go)

(no one says anything for a while)

(Dr. Kevorkian releases knockout gas into the hospital, knocking everyone out)



Whore Paint Supplies

(sexy music is playing)

(the camera pans slowly to the left, and you see two people’s bare legs on top of each other on a couch, moving around)


Lady: oh baby, I just love it when you stick it in…


Guy: shut up bitch, I’m not paying you to talk!


(the camera zooms out, and you see the guy is actually painting someone)

(scene cuts to a kid’s face)


Kid: what the fuck?


(scene cuts to a painter-type looking guy with a goatee)


Jain Starling: hello, I’m a painter. I’m here to tell you about Whore Paint Supplies. I don’t actually endorse these products, but money can make you do anything, in this economy with rising gas, food, and prostitute prices. Here at Whore Paint Supplies you can buy many many things. Including, you guessed it, PAINT!


(cuts to Jain Starling walking down an aisle)


Jain Starling: paint is sooo good I love it, because I’m a painter! But there is a very special aisle, just for paint that you can pain WHORES with! I find it kind of arousing myself, because I love paint, and I love whores! You just put one on each other and I just get so—OH MY GOD!


(Jain Starling drops his pants and reaches down his underwear)

(technical difficulties comes on right away….for 10 minutes)


Jain Starling: ok…I’m finished…


(but then MAW (Mothers Against Whores) busts through the door of Whore Paint Supplies)


Jain Starling: sacré bloo!


Soccer Mom: DESTROY! Whores are the DEVIL! WE Don’t care about their financial state nor the fact they may be drug addicts or have another problem, and would rather kill them than help them, because our husbands are the ones bringing in the money, and all WE do is shop and bitch! LIKE NOW!


Robot Mom: shop and bitch. Shop and bitch! Oooh….I like this paint, but the price is so HIGH!


Jain Starling: FUCK! RUNNNNNN!!!


(Milllions (its seems at least) of mothers storm the building with pitchforks, stabbing every man and whore in sight)


Camera Man: oh fuck oh fuck!


(the camera man is running, so you see the screen shaking around. But then Soccer Mom takes out a shotgun and shoots. Screen goes snowy)

(technical difficulties)




Hot-Aid Guy: ohhhh yeah!


(Hot-Aid Guy is a big pitcher with arms, legs, and full of yellow liquid)

(Hot-Aid Guy is skateboarding up a ramp with 3 other kids, to keep the political correctness of this commercial, its one white girl, one white boy, and an African-American boy)

(they stop skating, and stand in the middle of the ramp)


Jamal: boy, am I sweaty, yo diggity!


John: you said it, Jamal!


Kathy: what should we DO Hot-Aid Guy? I don’t want plain water, I want some powdery stuff from a package in MY water!


Hot-Aid Guy: hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you jump inside me??


Kathy (close up): that’s a GREAT idea!


Jamal: yeah! And to keep up with the corporate – imposed popular culture, we’ll skateboard into you! Yo diggity!


(cuts to a shot behind John doing a McFlip 540 into the Hot-Aid Guy, and then a shot of Kathy grinding on the edge of the Hot-Aid Guy, and then diving in. Then a shot of Jamal doing a handplant on the side of the ramp and then falling backwards into Hot-Aid Guy, who was right under Jamal)

(Hot-Aid Guy moves around, splashing the liquid around)


Hot-Aid Guy: how do you like my Tropical Tang piss?!


Jamal: uggh! Its so nasty! Yo diggity!


John: I’m gonna barf!


Kathy: Its more like TERRIBLE Tang to me!


Hot-Aid Guy: you’ve pissed me off, you politically correct group of kids! Now-YOU-DIE!


(Hot-Aid Guy puts a cap on top of him)


Jamal: what the FUCK! Yo DIGGITY!


Kathy: guys, I feel something sharp below our feet


Hot-Aid Guy: you’re right, I just happen to be a talking, living Blender Pitcher, made by IKEA, bless their German inventions.


John: oh shit….


(Hot-Aid Guy turns the blender on, and you can’t see the kids anymore, but you see the yellow turning into a piss red color)


Hot-Aid Guy (stopping): now let’s partyyyy!


(kids of all races jump into a pool, start dancing and skateboard, as there is a drawback shot into the air)