The Pump Girls Episode 5

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 2


(Mommy Manager walks in)


Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!


AshAsh: ah, great…


JayJay: yay!


FartFart: whoohoo!


KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!


Homey: can I go to school, too?


Mommy Manager: I…suppose


Homey: yay!


(camera zooms in on JayJay)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)




(JayJay walks towards the playground, she wants to play Dodge ball)


JayJay: hey, Guys! Can I play dodge ball too?


Guys: ok! DODGE!


(Guys throws the ball right at Jay Jay’s head)

(the ball hits her head, and she goes unconscious)

(when she wakes up, she’s naked, and on top of the school’s roof)


JayJay: AAAH!


(as JayJay was screaming, a big bird shit, and it fell into her mouth)


JayJay: ewww!


(JayJay tries to spit out what she can, but she swallowed the whole thing)


Homey: shut up!


(Homey grabs JayJay and lodges her off the roof, into a crowd of people, and she lands on the ground, hard)


JayJay: ouch…


crowd of people: ewwwwww!!


(the crowd of people start kicking JayJay, and she gets a concussion)



The Pump Girls Episode 4

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Back to School Part 1


(Mommy Manager walks in)


Mommy Manager: Girls, summer vacation is over, so that means our touring is over as well. You have to go back to school!


AshAsh: ah, great…


JayJay: yay!


FartFart: whoohoo!


KayKay: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!


Homey: can I go to school, too?


Mommy Manager: I…suppose


Homey: yay!


(camera zooms in on AshAsh)

(the camera scene turns black showing in white letters)




Mommy Manager: ok, AshAsh. Have a nice first day at school!


AshAsh: ok..::thinking:: boy it’ll be nice to hang around my REAL friends for a change…


(AshAsh walks toward the school)



Joe: whoa! Crow? Foe? Moe!


Whoa: yehh babyy…back to school man! Yeeeehaw!


Moe: hey look over there!


(Moe points to AshAsh, entering the building)


Foe: that’s one of them Pump Girls ain’t it?


Moe: you bet your pants it is!


Joe: lets rape her!


Moe: nah man…that’s for the last day of school


Joe: oh yeah…


(Joe, Crow, Foe, Whoa and Moe go over to AshAsh, surrounding her so she can’t get away)


AshAsh: uhh…hey, guys…what’s…happening? ::thinking: gawd, I can’t believe I’m talking to the hottest guys in the school


Joe: we were wondering…


(KayKay all of a sudden runs by them, naked)


Moe: Whoa! What the hell? Look at that!


Whoa: Aaaah! Let’s go!


(Joe, Crow, Moe, Whoa and Foe chase after KayKay. She is giggling in a really high pitched voice and runs into a janitor’s closet)

(AshAsh sighs, and goes to her class)


Ms. E: hello, class, welcome to Algebra 1. Today is your first day of school!


(the class boos)


Ms. E: that’s why we’re having the test on Chapter 12, in 3 minutes. You have 3 minutes to figure out all the algebraic equations in the book!


(AshAsh just stares at the teacher)


Ms. E: What are YOU looking at Little Miss Missy. Get to work!!


AshAsh: My name is-


Ms. E: What did I tell you, Little Miss Missy? GO TO WORK OR YOU GO TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!!


AshAsh: uhh


(suddenly a huge explosion occurs, and the gym collapses)


Class: whoa!


(the whole class rushes up to the window, looking at the gym)


Moné: wow! The gym blew up!


AshAsh: umm…yeah…


Ms. E: ok, back to class everyone


(a big fart is let loose from the gym)

(sirens are heard as they near the school’s gym)


Ms. E: CLASS! Since the gym blew up and you are all traumatized, I suppose we won’t have the test today. Oh, look at that. School is almost over. Goodbye everyone


(everyone leaves the classroom as the bell rings)

(Moné grabs AshAsh’s ass and winks at her, walking away. Moné is a girl)


AshAsh: ……..


(AshAsh walks out of the school and back to the hospital)

(a parole officer stops AshAsh)


Parole officer: What do you think you are doing? Its 2.37 seconds before school ends, what are you doing? Skipping class? That’s it Little Miss Missy, you’re going to jail!


(the Parole officer grabs AshAsh and shoves her into a police car)


AshAsh: ahhh!


(in prison)


Homey: the hell? Yo boys, AshAsh is here, remember, its her?


Tiny: oh yeah. Lets kill her!


(25 people run at AshAsh, punching her into the ground endlessly and kicking her too)

(Homey just watches)

(fade out, AshAsh goes unconcious)



Gary’s Tux n’ Shit

(a man, Gary, is sitting cross legged in a chair)


Gary: you’re gonna love the way you look in one of my suits. Each suit is personally tailored by me or one of my thousands of other employees if you’re not making an annual income of over 3 million dollars, or offering sexual pleasure for free for me. Let’s see some of the tuxedos you can get!


(cuts to men in tuxedos walking out in a model show, with flashing lights and people taking pictures for about 2 minutes. It gets really boring because you can’t really tell any difference between the suits, then a fat man in a pink suit walks out, and everyone stops, and you can hear “whaa?” from everybody)


Fat Man in Pink Suit (in a gay voice): hey guys! The directions you gave me were wrong! I had to give a few BJs to get some information on how to get here.


(cuts to Gary in the corner of the room)


Gary: Larry! Go away! You’re ruining my commercial!


Larry: hi Gary!


(Larry waves gay-like at Gary, not listening to what he said)




(Security Guard walks over to Larry and puts his hands to his hips)


Larry: don’t be so silly, I’m the star of the show!


(Larry pets the Security Guards chest, also gayly)


Security Guard: ok, that’s it! Self defense!


(Security Guard pulls out his nightstick and clocks Larry in the chin)


Larry (on the floor): ow! My chin! I use that for oral sex!


Security Guard: shut up!


(Security Guard takes out a handgun and shoots Larry full of lead)

(cuts back to Gary in the room with him sitting on a chair. He has an amazed look on his face and blinks a few times. He looks back at the camera and then smiles like nothing happened)


Gary: so remember, come on down to Gary’s Tux n’ Shit. If you’re wondering about the “shit” part, we sell lots of accessories for your tuxedo, as well as shit! If we didn’t we’d be sued for false advertising…


(Gary gets up and walks away)

(fade out)



Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo


Old Guy – Jerry Seinfeld

Lick My Balls – Mike Tyson

Ming – Cameron Diaz

Master Tea – Mr. T

Mrs. Pa – Jim Carrey

Fan – Marilyn Manson

Low – Macauly Culkin

Governor Pu – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Green Fox – Roseanne

Guard 1 – Michael J. Fox

Guard 2 – John Goodman

Naked Guy – Charlie Sheen

Governor Pu’s Wife – Tom Cruise

Officer – Mike Myers

Officer’s daughter – Tom Hanks

Master Bo – Ben Stein

Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo(a bird is flying overhead)

(the bird poops, and falls down on the bald head of an old guy)

(the guy doesn’t know about it because he was smoking some weed in his pipe)

Old Guy: Wow! Lick My Balls is here!

(scene change to an old lady running through a Dance studio)

Mrs. Pa: Lick My Balls is here! Lick My Balls is here! I must set up his room!

Ming (sees Mrs. Pa running past): Lick My Balls? He’s here?

(Lick My Balls walks into the Dance Studio)

Lick My Balls: hello, Ming

Ming: oooh! Lick My Balls, whatever are you doing here? I thought you were training at Wudan Dance Studio!

Lick My Balls: Yes, well, a funny thing happened. While I was riverdancing, I fell into a dark cave. It smelled really bad, so I tried to get out of it with all the dance steps I had! But I could not get out! My master never told me of such a place, nor how to get out of one

Ming: and then?

Lick My Balls: I clapped my heels together with my sparkly red shoes and did a Russian Dance, then I was suddenly here, in this place thingy where you live.

Ming: You could not have come at a worst time. I have to ship some dirty hay to Pecking.

Lick My Balls: Pecking…I want you to do something for me…I want you to take the Red Destiny shoes and give them to Master Tea

(Ming is astonished)

Ming: Why would you ever do that? You deserve the Red Destiny shoes. You and them are one, and such.

Lick My Balls: the Red Destiny shoes have killed too many on my feet, to keep its red color…I cannot use them because I have retired from being a Dancer.

Ming: oh…why don’t you give it to him yourself?

Lick My Balls: I cannot. I have…other business to do

(Lick My Balls puts a shoe box onto the table near them, opening it up)

Lick My Balls: they’re pretty, eh?

Ming: yes. If you can, come to Pecking

Lick My Balls (thinking for a second): ok, I suppose

(next day)

(Ming and Old Guy roll up their wagon to the gates of Pecking, the guards forcing them to stop)

Guard 1: May I see your license and registration, please?

Ming: ok

(Ming give them to Guard 1)

(Guard 2 sees a naked guy running up to him and he whacks him in the face with his nightstick, continuing to beat him down into the dirt)

Guard 1: ok, you’re cleared

(Guard 1 gives back Ming’s things and helps Guard 2 beat down the naked guy)


Naked Guy: Because, I love your sexual massages

Guard 1: nasty

(Guard 2 chucks a rock at the Naked Guy’s head)

(Naked Guy gets a concussion, and bleeds to death)

Guard 1: that’ll teach him…

(fade out)

(fade in, Ming is in Master Tea’s room)

(Ming puts the shoe box with the Red Destiny shoes on the table)

Ming: Lick My Balls presents you with these shoes, for he no longer can have them in his possession

Master Tea: such a greater dancer he is, Lick My Balls, for I cannot accept these shoes he tries to give me, for these shoes belong to him and he looks mighty sexy in them as well

(Ming doesn’t understand what he said)

Ming: Lick My Balls is going through a very hard time now, and you would take much anguish off his shoulders if you accepted it…

Master Tea: I know not what anguish is for I am just Master Tea, but it must be a bad thing so I will accept the Red Destiny shoes shoes and (shouting) PUT IT ON TOP OF THIS NICE TABLE! I HOPE NO ONE STEALS IT!

(Master Tea and Ming stay silent for a while not saying anything)

Master Tea: ….right, I’ll show you around

(Master Tea and Ming walk around until they come back to the room with the Red Destiny shoes in it)

(Fan is right in front of the Red Destiny shoebox, starting at it like a dumb bitch)

Master Tea: hey! Who the hell are you?

Fan: I am Governor Pu’s daughter, Fan

Master Tea: oh. Sorry. uhh…..bye

(Master Tea runs away)

Fan: what is your name?

Ming: my name is-

(Ming all of a sudden gets his by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Who threw that!!?

(Ming rubs her head, where she got hit by the doughnut)

Ming: my name is Ming

Fan: oooh. Are you a dancer?

Ming: yes

Fan: do you know Lick My Balls?

Ming: yes, I’ll show you his famous Red Destiny shoes if you like

Fan: oh yes, I’d like that very much!

(the scene switches to Ming taking out the Red Destiny shoes)

Ming: its sparkling red color tells everyone its been made 500 years ago, crafted under gifted zookeepers with a special material, possibly made by the God of Special Materials. Sparkle sparkle!

Fan (amazed at the sight of the shoes): Lick My Balls’s Red Destiny shoes…he’s actually worn them?

Ming: ……..yes

Fan: I’m getting married to a man named Pou. Wish I weren’t though

Ming: oh

Fan: I must go, for some reason. I hear my parents calling

(Fan skips away)

(at night, in Fan’s room)

(Green Fox walks in, but you don’t know its Green Fox)

(Green Fox starts to make up Fan’s hair)

Green Fox: I saw you talking with that dancer, Ming. Your mother would not appreciate knowing you were conversing with her

Fan: I’ll talk with whomever I want. I’m tired, leave now or I’ll kick your fat ass

Green Fox: harsh words from a harsh man

Fan: I’m not a man!

(Green Fox leaves)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Tea and Governor Pu are in the room with the Red Destiny shoes)

Master Tea: those are the Red Destiny shoes worn by Lick My Balls!

Governor Pu: wow!

(Governor Pu puts them on and pot gets smashed)

Governor Pu: Whoops

(Master Tea smacks his head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at night, with a ninja running across the courtyard where the Red Destiny shoes are)

(quietly, the ninja comes in through the window, taking the Red Destiny shoes out of it, putting them on)

(the ninja leaves the same way, quietly, but a sparkle from the Red Destiny shoes reflects into the eye of Master Bo)

(Master Bo looks at where the sparkle was and sees the ninja. He starts yelling)

Master Bo: Thief! Thief! He has the Red Destiny shoes!!

Ninja: shit

(the Ninja jumps off the ground, dancing through the air and flying to the top of the house)

Ninja: hyaaa!

(the Ninja runs across the roofs of the buildings, jumping from one to the next)

Ming: where did he go?

(Ming sees something fly with red on its feet)

(Ming chases after the Ninja dancing up the wall)

Ming: halt!

(Ming points to the air and she flies into it, jumping right in front of the ninja)

Ming (holding the Ninja’s shoulder): return the Red Destiny shoes, and you will go unharmed

Ninja: don’t bet on it, bitch

(the Ninja kicks Ming in the shin with one of the Red Destiny shoes, and Ming flies 3 buildings away, whacking into a chimney)

Ming: stop! You won’t get away!

Ninja (yelling): yes I will!

(Ninja starts tap dancing really really fast in place, then in a red streak, zooms past 15 more buildings)

Ming: whoa

(Ming boosts off the chimney, flying in a straight line, tackling Ninja to the ground)

Ninja: ah! You biiitch!

(Ninja jumps out from under Ming)

Ninja: yaaah!

(Ninja jumps into the air, landing on Ming’s forehead and dancing on it)

Ming: aaaaiiyyyeeeeeee!

Ninja: die!

(Ming grabs the Ninja’s legs, and slams her down to the ground)

(the Ninja gets up and runs away, dancing up a wall, trying to get away)

Ming: come back and fight!

(Ming runs to the wall, running up it, chasing after the ninja, along the wall)

Ninja (in a squirrelly voice): You may be quick, but you can’t catch meeee! Heeeeheeheeeheeeheee!

Ming: what! I kill you!

(Ming jumps off, grabbing Ninja around the neck, slamming her into the floor)

(Ninja jumps up, grabbing Ming’s head and slamming it on the floor)

(Ming is unconscious for 2 seconds, but sees Ninja jumping over a building)

Ming (slamming her fist on the ground): dammit!

(next day)

Master Tea: Ming, someone is here to see you

Ming: oh

(Ming looks around and sees Lick My Balls)

Ming: Lick My Balls is here!

(at a table)

Ming: Lick My Balls, the Red Destiny shoes have been stolen

Lick My Balls: really?

Ming: I think I know who it is

Lick My Balls: who?

Ming: Fan, Governor Pu’s daughter

Lick My Balls: oh…

Ming: I’ll take care of it

(fade out)

(fade in)

Ming: thank you for having me, Mrs. Pu

Mrs. Pu: ohohohoh! You’re welcome! I just hope we find the thief soon

Ming: ok

(Ming throws her tea at Fan, but Fan catches it, not spilling a drop)

(Ming gets hit by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Whoever stole the Red Destiny shoes should put them back, and they won’t get hurt

(at night)

(the Ninja comes back, jumping in the same window, slowly taking off the Red Destiny shoes, and putting them in the box)

Lick My Balls: what are you dong up so late? Shining shoes?

Ninja: shit!

(the Ninja tries to escape, but Lick My Balls grabs the Ninja and throws her down to the floor)

Lick My Balls: who are you?

Ninja: Lick my balls, Lick My Balls!

Lick My Balls: why’d you call my name twice?

Ninja: I didn’t!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls in the balls)

Lick My Balls (grabbing his balls): AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Ninja runs away as Lick My Balls goes unconscious)

Ninja: haha I lost him!

Lick My Balls: no you didn’t!

(Lick My Balls runs up and kicks Ninja in the back)

Ninja: aaah!

Lick My Balls: lucky for me, I have no balls!

(Ninja faces Lick My Balls)

Lick My Balls: You dance and fight well. I would like to teach you

Ninja: you’re a fag! No way!

(Lick My Balls gets a stick and whacks Ninja with it)

Ninja: aah!

Lick My Balls: call my name! Say I’m your daddy!

Ninja: never!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Lick My Balls: say it!

Ninja: Lick My Ass!

Lick My Balls: that’s not it!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Ninja: go away!

(Ninja jumps up over a wall and disappears)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Bo is looking through a window and sees a guy with metal thingys, and a girl with a knife. He gets an astonished face)

(late at night)

(Master Bo sneaks into the house and looks at a bunch of papers)

Officer: hey! What are you doing?? Stop looking at my porn stories!

(Officer grabs Master Bo, putting a knife to his neck)

Master Bo: no, no! Don’t kill me! I’m a fan!

(next morning)

Officer’s daughter: soup’s ready!

Master Bo: yay!

(Officer’s daughter punches Master Bo)

Officer’s daughter: dad gets first pick!

(all of a sudden a dart flies in, but officer catches it with his spoon)

Officer’s daughter: waz zat??

(Officer unravels the note on the dart)

Officer (reading off the note): meet me by the Port-a-Potties

(Officer crumples up the paper and smiles)

Officer: we’ve got her!

(later, at the Port-a-Potties)

Green Fox: hiyaa!

(they all fight)

Officer: hiyaa! Yaaa!

Master Bo: oooh! Ooh! Ya ya!

Officer’s daughter: whooooo! Whoo! Dodge! Jump!

(Officer tosses one of his Ball Choppers at Green Fox, but Green Fox grabs it, then throws it back at Officer, chopping off his balls)

Officer: my balls!

(Officer dies)

Officer’s daughter: Father! Nooooo!

(Officer’s daughter charges at Green Fox with her Ass Rammer, but misses)

(Ninja comes down, with the Red Destiny shoes on)

Ninja: hiyaa!

(Ninja makes her way over to their fighting, but Lick My Balls flies down in front of her)

Lick My Balls: call me your daddy!

(Lick My Balls whacks her with a stick, again)

Ninja: I’m gonna kick your little bitch ass!

(Lick My Balls and Ninja start having a dancing contest)

(Lick My Balls riverdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Riverdance!

(Ninja Ninja dances)

Ninja: ha! Ninja dance!

(Lick My Balls tap dances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tap dance!

(Ninja doesn’t move)

Ninja: ha! Dead Dance!

(Lick My Balls breakdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Breakdance!

(Ninja square dances)

Ninja: ha! Square dance!

(Lick My Balls waltzes)

Lick My Balls: ha! Waltz!

(Ninja freestyles)

Ninja: ha! Freestyle!

(Lick My Balls tangos)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tango!

(Ninja polkas)

Ninja: ha! Polka!

Lick My Balls: ew!

Ninja: what?

Lick My Balls: ha! Ew Dance!

(Lick My Balls honks Ninja’s nose, then breaks her arm)

Ninja: aaah! My arm!!!!!!

(Ninja Macarenas)

Ninja: I win! I did the Macarena!

Lick My Balls: BITCH!

(Lick My Balls bitchslaps Ninja)

(Ninja bitchslaps back)

(they bitchslap each other over and over)

Ninja: die!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls’s head and runs away with Green Fox, waving a streamer behind them)

Green Fox: whee! This isn’t over, Lick My Balls!!

(next day)

(Officer is lying on the ground, in front of Master Tea)

Master Tea: who was this?

Officer’s daughter: he is my father…he was an officer for the police

Master Tea: oh. Bury him. Master Bo, guard officer’s daughter

(Master Tea winks)

Master Bo: ok!

Ming: we can only wait now…

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Green Fox is in Fan’s room)

Fan: you killed a police officer today! What did you think you were doing!!??

Green Fox: I was thinking about killing the police officer

Fan: now, the whole police force will come!

Green Fox: like I give a crap?

Fan: you would!

Green Fox: would what?

Fan: give a crap!

Green Fox: you want me to give you a crap?

Fan: go awayyyyy!!!

(Fan pushes Green Fox out the door)


(Low sneaks into Fan’s room)

Low (whispering): Fan? Fan?

Fan (jumping out of bed): Low! What are you doing here!?

(Fan runs to Low, hugging him)

Low: I want to take you away from here, to the desert!

Fan: ….

(wavy lines)

Man: this is the drug induces flashback of Fan

(wavy lines stop, and Fan is lying down on a donkey in the middle of the desert)

(a man next to her is walking with his hands)

Girl: the circus is coming! The circus is-

(the man walking on his hands shoots the girl)

Man on his hands: we’re not the circus! We’re the people that have come for your bagel juice!

Girl: oh noooooo! Don’t take our bagel juice away! Anything but that!

(Girl dies)

Man on his hands: ahahahahaha!

Man on pogo stick: oh NO! Its DARK POOP!!!!!

(everyone spreads out)

everyone: Dark Poop! Dark Poop!

Low: Dark Poop! ATTACK!! Don’t hurt the women, children, and gay men!!!

(5 people attack the crowd of 200 men with Fan)

Man on pogo stick: Dark Poop!!!! Get ready!

(in one second, 190 of the men die)

(Low comes over to Fan, taking her panties and smells them)

Low: mmh…smells pretty


Low: come and get me!

(Low smacks his donkay’s ass rides away fast)

Fan: Donkey! Hurry!

(Fan slaps the Donkey’s ass)

Donkey: oh yeah! Harder baby, harder!

(Fan smacks it harder, and they speed after Low on his Donkay)

(they chase Low around for 3 weeks)

(they end up by a “river”)

Low: your donkey is thirsty, there is a river near here

(Low looks around)

Low: well, there was a river…

(Low throws a cow stomach full of water at Fan)

Fan: ew, you bastard, you expect me to drink out of this?

(Fan drinks the whole thing)

Fan: sick bastard

(Fan throws the stomach back at him, dropkicking him as soon as Low caught it)

Low: ow!

Fan: give. Panties. Now!

Low: no!

(they chase each other around for another 3 weeks)

(Low and Fan roll down a hill)

(Low and Fan skip back up the hill, holding hands)

Man: Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pale of water-

(Fan takes Low’s bucket slamming it on his hand, tossing him down the hill again)

Man: Jill slammed the bucket on his head, sent him rolling down and Jill came jumping down…on top of Jack….?

(Man shoots himself in the head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a cave)

(Fan is tied up at the wrists and feet)

Low: careful, if I would have wanted to do it, I’d have done it- which I did!

Fan: ew! You bastard! Where’s my panties?

Low: I ate them

Fan: nooooooooooooooo! MY peanut-butter flavored edible panties! I was gonna eat them for dinner!

Low: aw, poor baby. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(blah blah blah. Low and Fan have sex 300 times in the cave, and 300 times on the same rock outside)

(wavy lines)

(for some reason, they are in a green Mountain Valley, and Low and Fan are looking at a mountain)

Low: see that mountain over there?

(Low points in the general direction of about a hundred mountains)

Fan: yes

Low: they say that if you jump off it, and make a wish, it will come true, but *you* won’t come back…

Fan: oh

(wavy lines)

(Low and Fan have sex 300 times in a tent)

(wavy lines)

(wavy fade in to present)

Fan: no, I can’t I’m getting married

Low: to who?

Fan: a man named Pou

Low: I kill him!

Fan: no! leave, now! I never want to see you again!

(Low brings out a little baggie)

Low: here’s your edible panties

(Low empties the thrown up panties in Fan’s hand, and leaves)

(crying, Fan eats it)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a parade to Fan’s wedding)

(Ming and Lick My Balls are overlooking the area just in case Green Fox appears)

(since this is really boring, she does, spitting popsicle sticks out of a pipe. Lots and lots)

(Lick My Balls whacks them all out of the air with his stick, but one gets in his nose)

(Everyone dies, count on a sequel)



Cheerleader Outlet

Woman Announcer: Cheerleader Outlet – the world’s GREATEST Cheerleader store!


(products of all types zoom up to the screen, and a crappy “explosion” kind of drawing behind each thing. Behind the product, you can see “the store” with people “shopping”)

(for each thing that comes up, someone names it)


Cheerleader Pam: Skirts! Pom Poms! Glitter! Sweaters! T-Shirts! Glitter! Lube! Condoms! Glitter! We’ve got it ALL here!


(scene cuts to a hot cheerleader, Cheerleader Pam, walking down an aisle of t-shirts, sweaters, skirts, and sweatpants)


Cheerleader Pam: Cheerleader Outlet is THE place to get your cheerleader-needs! Forget those ridiculously expensive magazines selling USED clothes! We get our clothes directly from the factory!


(Cheerleader Pam picks up a pair of socks)


Cheerleader Pam: look at these socks! They’re striped at the top! ONLY $120 EACH sock! And its new! That’s the same price for a used sock from a magazine!


(scene cuts to Cheerleader Pam in a room with Pom Poms hanging off the ceiling from strings)


Cheerleader Pam: we have the largest amount of Pom Poms in one room in the world! We have EVERY color combination and in all sizes! We also have flags for you flaggies out there!


(Cheerleaders come out of nowhere, grabbing Pom Poms and flags and get in formation behind Cheerleader Pam. They all do their cheerleading shit for a minute and end up in a pose with all their asses pointing to the camera)


Cheerleader Pam: its extravagant!


(cuts to Cheerleader Pam walking down the accessories aisle)


Cheerleader Pam: now, we all know that the clothes and the moves only makes you two fourths of a cheerleader. If you want to be a genuine cheerleader, you need some accessories! Like:


(with each thing she says, she grabs it out of the shelves and puts it in her arms)


Cheerleader Pam: Glitter….deoderant…little handbags, lipstick, lip gloss, eye shadow, other expensive makeup in a little bag, candy necklaces, and you can’t forget the lube and condoms!


(she winks)

(scene cuts to another section of the store, where sirens and guns are on display)


Cheerleader Pam: for security, from photographers, boys that just can’t wait, or moms about to walk in on your love making, we offer security systems and other security things, such as Wanguards, and Butt-Hugger Brand Short Shorts for those nasty photographers that think they’re so smart, when we jump into the air, and our skirts fly up…pshhh…ok, come now.




The Pump Girls Episode 3

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…

Pumpin’ Nothin’


(all the girls are unconscious in their beds)

(Dr. Kevorkian walks in and smiles)

(then, 10,000 men come in and “feel up” all the Pump Girls)

(fade out)


36 hours later


KayKay: hey! I found 3.675 cents in my uterus!


(everyone stares at her, then looks away, pretending they didn’t hear that)


AshAsh: that last performance sucked! And we’re going to be stuck in this hospital at least another week…


JayJay: Oh well


FartFart: ::fart:: I’m bored


AshAsh: yeah, me too…


(just then, Dr. Kevorkian wheels in Mommy Manager, Count Counter Clerk, and Homey the Homeless Man on hospital beds)


Count Counter Clerk: my head hurts…


Dr. Kevorkian: shut up you!


(Dr. Kevorkian smacks Count Counter Clerk on the head)


Count Counter Clerk: owww!


Homey: Smack him again!


(Mommy Manager is about to say something, but from excessive gas inhalation, she passes out)

(Dr. Kevorkian puts them in the line the Pump Girls are in, against the wall)


Dr. Kevorkian: I’m going to bring more playmates for you, just…you…wait


(Dr. Kevorkian laughs evilly as he closes the door)


AshAsh: I wonder what he meant by that…


(the door opens again, and Barney the big purple dinosaur gets rolled in, IV and breathing tanks hooked up all around him)


FartFart: BARNEY! What happened to you?


(Barney wheezes. The computer he is hooked up to speaks for him)


Computer: I was hit by a car, then beat down with crowbars…it hurt…then the steamroller, and the bombs…


(AshAsh blinks)


AshAsh: kay.


KayKay: yeah?


AshAsh: blah


KayKay: all right


FartFart: wow


JayJay: poor Barney…


Dr. Kevorkian: yeah, and I had a hell of a time trying to find out where he breathed from


(there’s tubes hooked up everywhere on Barney, on his pinky, into his ear, in his black eye and some tubes you can’t see where they go)

(no one says anything for a while)

(Dr. Kevorkian releases knockout gas into the hospital, knocking everyone out)



Whore Paint Supplies

(sexy music is playing)

(the camera pans slowly to the left, and you see two people’s bare legs on top of each other on a couch, moving around)


Lady: oh baby, I just love it when you stick it in…


Guy: shut up bitch, I’m not paying you to talk!


(the camera zooms out, and you see the guy is actually painting someone)

(scene cuts to a kid’s face)


Kid: what the fuck?


(scene cuts to a painter-type looking guy with a goatee)


Jain Starling: hello, I’m a painter. I’m here to tell you about Whore Paint Supplies. I don’t actually endorse these products, but money can make you do anything, in this economy with rising gas, food, and prostitute prices. Here at Whore Paint Supplies you can buy many many things. Including, you guessed it, PAINT!


(cuts to Jain Starling walking down an aisle)


Jain Starling: paint is sooo good I love it, because I’m a painter! But there is a very special aisle, just for paint that you can pain WHORES with! I find it kind of arousing myself, because I love paint, and I love whores! You just put one on each other and I just get so—OH MY GOD!


(Jain Starling drops his pants and reaches down his underwear)

(technical difficulties comes on right away….for 10 minutes)


Jain Starling: ok…I’m finished…


(but then MAW (Mothers Against Whores) busts through the door of Whore Paint Supplies)


Jain Starling: sacré bloo!


Soccer Mom: DESTROY! Whores are the DEVIL! WE Don’t care about their financial state nor the fact they may be drug addicts or have another problem, and would rather kill them than help them, because our husbands are the ones bringing in the money, and all WE do is shop and bitch! LIKE NOW!


Robot Mom: shop and bitch. Shop and bitch! Oooh….I like this paint, but the price is so HIGH!


Jain Starling: FUCK! RUNNNNNN!!!


(Milllions (its seems at least) of mothers storm the building with pitchforks, stabbing every man and whore in sight)


Camera Man: oh fuck oh fuck!


(the camera man is running, so you see the screen shaking around. But then Soccer Mom takes out a shotgun and shoots. Screen goes snowy)

(technical difficulties)




Hot-Aid Guy: ohhhh yeah!


(Hot-Aid Guy is a big pitcher with arms, legs, and full of yellow liquid)

(Hot-Aid Guy is skateboarding up a ramp with 3 other kids, to keep the political correctness of this commercial, its one white girl, one white boy, and an African-American boy)

(they stop skating, and stand in the middle of the ramp)


Jamal: boy, am I sweaty, yo diggity!


John: you said it, Jamal!


Kathy: what should we DO Hot-Aid Guy? I don’t want plain water, I want some powdery stuff from a package in MY water!


Hot-Aid Guy: hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you jump inside me??


Kathy (close up): that’s a GREAT idea!


Jamal: yeah! And to keep up with the corporate – imposed popular culture, we’ll skateboard into you! Yo diggity!


(cuts to a shot behind John doing a McFlip 540 into the Hot-Aid Guy, and then a shot of Kathy grinding on the edge of the Hot-Aid Guy, and then diving in. Then a shot of Jamal doing a handplant on the side of the ramp and then falling backwards into Hot-Aid Guy, who was right under Jamal)

(Hot-Aid Guy moves around, splashing the liquid around)


Hot-Aid Guy: how do you like my Tropical Tang piss?!


Jamal: uggh! Its so nasty! Yo diggity!


John: I’m gonna barf!


Kathy: Its more like TERRIBLE Tang to me!


Hot-Aid Guy: you’ve pissed me off, you politically correct group of kids! Now-YOU-DIE!


(Hot-Aid Guy puts a cap on top of him)


Jamal: what the FUCK! Yo DIGGITY!


Kathy: guys, I feel something sharp below our feet


Hot-Aid Guy: you’re right, I just happen to be a talking, living Blender Pitcher, made by IKEA, bless their German inventions.


John: oh shit….


(Hot-Aid Guy turns the blender on, and you can’t see the kids anymore, but you see the yellow turning into a piss red color)


Hot-Aid Guy (stopping): now let’s partyyyy!


(kids of all races jump into a pool, start dancing and skateboard, as there is a drawback shot into the air)



Forever Flower

(an old woman is in a field of roses)

(she’s rolling around in the roses, and you can hear her getting scratched up by the thorns. She gets up and starts taking some thorns out of her body)


Old Woman: oh, hello. Welcome to my garden! You may say “wait a minute, how does she have a field of flowers in her backyard?!” Well, I’ll tell you now, that ANYONE can have a field of flowers in their backyard with…


(Old Woman flattens her palm out in front of her and a “ding” sounds as a box that has “Forever Flower” on it appears)


Old Woman: With Forever Flower, you can have a flowery backyard forever! The way you do it is, you take a handful of Forever Flower, shove it in your mouth…


(Old Woman takes a handful of pebble-stuff out of the box and tips her head back, eating it)


Old Woman: ….plant your seeds, and when you digest Forever Flower, poo it out onto your seeds and there you have it! Flowers forever!


Legal guy (talking really fast): Constipation may occur, Forever Flower makes no guarantees on the long-lastingness of your flowers or your life much longer after you eat your first boxful of Forever Flower


(Old Woman smiles, and you can see some of her teeth missing from eating Forever Flower pebbles blah page filler)



The Pump Girls Episode 2

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)


Announcer: Today’s episode is…


Pumpin’ Toilets!


(The scene goes to the Pump Girls’ hospital beds, they’re in their hospital gowns)


KayKay: boy, that was some adventure we had last time!


AshAsh: I only regained conciousness three minutes ago! What happened?


Dr. Kevorkian: well, I don’t know how it happneed, but one of you were chopped up by a plane without your shoes, one of you passed out, one of you was smooshed, one of you had a sugar attack, the mommy manager had a concussion…and, I injected you with Rat poi-eh…never mind, wrong patients…


(Dr. Kevorkian walks out mumbling)


JoeJoe: uhh? who the hell was that?


FartFart: ::fart:: Our doctor? Maybe? He seemed to know a lot about us


(KayKay jumps out of her bed and screams)


KayKay: I’m not a virgin anymore!


(KayKay stops screaming)


KayKay: oh yeah, I forgot I had hot sex with Dr. Kevorkian in a tub of oatmeal…


(3 hours later)


Mommy Manager: Ok, we don’t have a car, how are we gonna get to the performance at the Starbucks?


AshAsh: oh no! we’ll never make it in the big time now!


(just then, The Pump Girls Van that Homey the Homeless Man stole, appeared at the top of the street, the front end jumping up and down)


Homey the Homeless Man: whee! Pump Girls!


(Homey stops the van right in front of them)

Pump Girls: Homey!


Homey: yo yo. I got some cool shit maaaan! I loaded hydraulics in this van, and I got some LSD! (LSD echoes)


AshAsh: LSD? What’s that?


Homey: uhh…it means “Losers Shootin ‘Dese”


FartFart: ::fart:: that doesn’t make any sense!


Homey: um…it doesn’t matter, its mine.


(Homey’s stomach rumbles)


Homey: aw man..maybe I should have gotten food instead of all this shit…


Mommy Manager: we need to go to Starbucks, can you take us there?


Homey: coffee! muffins! mmh..haven’t had those since the LA riots


(The Pump Girls and Mommy Manager go in the van, and it starts up and goes to Starbucks)

(1 hour later)

(they pull up to Starbucks and run in. Overhead shot)

(They bust open the doors, and make their way to the counter)


AshAsh: excuse me…


Count Counter Clerk: AAH! ITS THE PUMP GIRLS! I LOVE YOU!!!


AshAsh (blinks): umm…thank you!


Count Counter Clerk: have some Air Mochas on the house. Sugar free!


JoeJoe: yay!


(Count Counter Clerk places 6 cups on the counter and puts his hand over the cups, making “pshhh” sound with his mouth)


Count Counter Clerk: all done, there you go!


(Homey stares at the cups)


Homey: there’s nothing in there…


Count Counter Clerk: sure there is!


Homey (sniffing the cup): what then?


Count Counter Clerk: air! that’s what an Air Mocha is!


(Homey tosses all the cups down to the floor in a rageful manner)


Homey: I want muffins! Give me muffinnnnsss!


Count Counter Clerk: That’ll be $19.60


Homey: the hell?


Count Counter Clerk: well, I have to charge you an extra 10 bucks for the mess you made, those Air Mochas cost a buck each and the muffin costs $3.60


Mommy Manager: you said the Air Mochas were on the house!


Count Counter Clerk: yeah, I did


(Count Counter Clerk points down to a picture of a house drawn on the counter)


AshAsh: grr! let’s just do our show!


(The Pump Girls run into the bathroom with Mommy Manager. Homey is seen in the back, pulling Count Counter Clerk over the counter and beating the shit out of him as they run into the bathroom)


FartFart: ::fart:: we’re here!


Lady on Toilet: the fuck?


AshAsh (giggling): there’s no doors on the stalls for the toilets


Lady on Toilet: who the fuck are-


AshAsh (raises fist into the air): I’m AshAsh!


JoeJoe (raises fist into the air): I’m JoeJoe!


KayKay (raises fist into the air): I’m KayKay!


FartFart (raises fist into the air): ::fart:: I’m FartFart!!


All together (screaming): THE PUMP GIRLS!


(their words echo, because they screamed it, and it was in a bathroom)

(meanwhile, in the air vents)


Mr. Donkey: eheheh! I’m gonna blow this Starbucks up!


(all of a sudden the Pump Girls’ screams echoed through the vents where Mr. Donkey was, richocheting off the walls of the vents thousands of times, literally knocking Mr. Donkey unconcious, with his ears bleeding)



FartFart: ::fart:: let’s dooo it!


Lady on Toilet: whaha-what? I want peace and quiet. GO AWAY!


(The Pump Girls start to dance…horribly)


Lady on Toilet: no more!


(Lady on Toilet gets up, picking up a piece of poop from the toilet and tossing it at AshAsh)


AshAsh (screaming): AAAAH! I have POOP on my face!


(The Pump Girls stop dancing. When JoeJoe stops, she slips, slamming her head on the bathroom sink, cracking her skull)


FartFart: ::FART:: I’m excited!


(FartFart faints, and with her extreme weight, falls on Mommy Manager, smooshing her)


KayKay: ugh! too much sugar!


(KayKay hyperventilates and goes unconcious)


(The poop on AshAsh’s face goes into her screaming mouth. Fortunately, the poop had sugar in it, and AshAsh fell into a toilet after running around a little)


Lady on Toilet (blinking): good….




Umbrella Armory

(an umbrella about 13 feet long is being held by a guy in a bathing suit and he’s wearing sunglasses. He’s at the beach with his family)


Rocket Joe: Hey, honey! I found a good spot!


Rocket Jane: this is very nice


Rocket Jr.: yeah yeah yeah! I wanna make a sand castle!


Rocket Joe: we will son…we will


(Rocket Joe puts the umbrella flat on his shoulder and a handle pops out of it)


Rocke Joe: die, people!


Someone: eh?


(Rockets fly out of the umbrella, blowing people up left and right)


King of the Beach: We’re under attack! Arm yourselves!


(people with smaller umbrellas come behind the King of the Beach, and grab onto the umbrella part of the umbrella, and cock it all at the same time, like shotguns)

(King of the Beach takes an umbrella out of the ground, flips it over, and pulls out a huge sword from it)


King of the Beach: chaarrrgee!!!


(Rocket Jane and Rocket Jr. are launching more rockets, with Rocket Joe)

(people are running at them, but get blown up. King of the Beach jumps into the air, calling out something)


King of the Beach: The earth shatters beneath my sword! EARTH SPLIT!!


(King of the Beach slams his sword in the middle of the ground near the Rocket family)

(scene cuts to a guy watching TV)


Umbrella Master: well…that was some great programming


(the scene goes black and white, freezing and stuff scrolls in front of the screen)


After the battle of Malibu Beach, Umbrella Armory has been put under many many lawsuits. We don’t know why we’re scrolling this, we just want you to feel sorry for us so we can get the blame taken off of us.


(goes back to Umbrella Master)


Umbrella Master: Hello, I’m Umbrella Master. Here at Umbrella Armory, we sell you umbrellas modified to kill, just like the penguin in Batman has umbrellas….like that….yes….


(Umbrella Master dances around in a padded room)


Umbrella Master: buy my umbrellas, so I can get out of this looney bin! Aghhh!!




Garbage Pail Bears Episode 1

Guy: A time of war…


(a bear runs by the camera)


Guy: …a time of anarchy…


(the bear shoots his gun)

(screams of agony)


Guy: …and a time of no squeegee toys.


(the bear throws a grenade and ducks behind a tree)

(there is an explosion and a guy flies up into the air)


Guy: Get ready for…


Garbage Pail Bears

Garbage Pail Bears

Garbage Pail Bears


(there are some bears running around in a circle on a cloud. There is a big rainbow in the back. There is a cloud house on the right of the screen)


(inside the cloud house, the camera is focused on the door from the inside)

(the door opens and a bear comes in)


Spiky Bear: Sir!


(the camera focuses in on Bear of Clouds)


Bear of Clouds: yes?


Spiky Bear: Report about the war against the humans


Bear of Clouds: Is it good?


Spiky Bear: I’m afraid not sir, the Clouds have been scattered, and the heat has risen


Bear of Clouds: has there been an attempt to regroup?


Spiky Bear: No, sir. When I said scattered…I meant spread out across the world. The nearest bears that are next to each other are about 2 miles away. Some are up to 20.


Bear of Clouds (leaning back in his chair): My God. Make them all come back to the main Cloud base.


Spiky Bear: Yessir right away sir. Can I ask you something sir?


Bear of Clouds: yeah sure, whatever.


Spiky Bear: are you gay?


Bear of Clouds: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


(scene cuts to a line of bears, lined up)

(Bear of Clouds is walking in front of them, with one of those whips that generals have)


Bear of Clouds: ooh……sexy…..


(Bear of Clouds touches one of the bears on the shoulders, and whacks him in the leg with the whip)


Stupid Bear: SIR! Please, don’t whip me. Not here anyway.


(Stupid Bear winks)


Bear of Clouds: oh I’m sorry………………


(Bear of Clouds winks too)

(Soldier Bear flies in on his cloud)


Soldier Bear: I came back from the front!


Bear of Clouds: status report


Soldier Bear: wweeellllllll………..


Bear of Clouds: drop to your knees, close your eyes, open your mouth and be quiet


(scene cuts to a bear sitting at a desk)


Writer Bear: ….hmm….that was gay….why would I write something like that?


(Guy, the announcer, bursts in through the door)


Guy: Cuz Ya ARRREEEEEEEEEEEEE (gay that is)!!


Writer Bear: get outtaaa heeeeaaa!


(Writer Bear picks up his lamp and throws it at Guy)


Guy: uh oh.


(Guy gets knocked out)

(as soon as he falls, Storm Troopers burst in and shoot everything, killing Writer Bear)






Bathroom Sniff

Announcer: did you ever take a big crap, and can’t seem to get the smell of your crap out of your bathroom?


(there’s a guy’s face that looks disgusted as green gas goes in front of his face and he tries to fan it away with his hand)


Announcer: take back your bathroom! Make your bathroom smell like a bathroom again, with Bathroom Sniff!


(the guy’s face starts smiling, as an aerosol can sprays white gas into the green and makes it go away)


(the guy’s face starts smiling, as an aerosol can sprays white gas into the green and makes it go away)


Announcer: isn’t that fantastic?


Guy: thanks Bathroom Sniff! Now my bathroom smells like a bathroom again! And with the great, informative labels on the can, I’ll know that I’ll inhale CFCs which deplete the O-Zone Layer, and I’ll know that my life span will be cut shorter and shorter with each use!


(a big smile as the camera focuses in on his face)


Announcer: yes, that’s right. An unfortunate side effect, but where’s the PROOF? Show me some proof! CFCs are good for you! You suckers! You’ll all sniff anything I tell you to! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Comes in different smells, including Regular Bathroom, Apartment Bathroom, Hotel Bathroom, and Porta-Potty. Bathroom Sniff is not liable for how its consumers use its products, and if someone dies of regular non-abusive use of this product, don’t call us, we don’t care.




Fur-Assic Park

(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

(Old Grandpa is rocking in his chair, and has had enough of watching Fred and Alyssa beat on each other)

Old Grandpa: Hey! You two brats stop fighting! I’ll tell you another story if you stop fighting!

Alyssa: Shut up, you old geezer!

Fred: Yeah! We don’t wanna hear any of your stupid stories. That Anne Frank story didn’t even make sense!

(Old Grandpa gets up and whacks both of them with his cane in one swipe)


(Old Grandpa sits back down)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you a story that will REALLY get you interested! And you’ll be able to relate to the story in many many ways! Its about dinosaurs-

Alyssa: Yay! Dinosaurs! I love dinosaurs!

(Old Grandpa pokes Alyssa in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: not just any ol’ dinosaurs! These were dinosaurs with…furry asses!

Fred (with a dumb look on her face): whaauuuu…?

Old Grandpa: Don’t believe any of that hu-bub about dinosaurs! I’ll tell you the TRUTH about them!

Fred: because you lived among them?

(Old Grandpa threatens to swing at Fred, but puts his cane down)

Old Grandpa: yes, actually I was…! …I OWNED Fur-assic Park!


(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the face)


(Old Grandpa leans back into his chair rubbing his chin)

Old Grandpa: well, it all happened like this….

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and the scene changes to a dinosaur in labor, pooping out eggs)

(the dinosaur squeals have been translated to normal English, because I’m the author)


(Dinosaur Mama takes a swipe at Dinosaur Dada and misses)

Dinosaur Dada: I’m sorry hunney! Condoms weren’t invented yet!


(scene is interrupted and goes to Fred’s disgusted face)


(Old Grandpa frowns)

Old Grandpa: all right all right! Basically, that’s how dinosaurs gave birth…”back then.” But then, some clatyclismic thingy happened, and they all died. THE BIRTH OF YOU TWO!

(Old Grandpa swipes at both of them with his cane, and they both get whacked in their faces)

Mom: You know that’s not right! Grandpa, tell the REAL story! They didn’t die because they were born! It was because YOU were born!

Old Grandpa (pointing the cane at Mom): Don’t give me that, Mom!

Mom: Oh no? Tell the real story, or I’ll kick you in your semen maker machine!

Old Grandpa: OH NO! Anything but the semen maker machine! Ever since my real, God-given machine stopped working, that’s been my lifeline!

(Mom gets closer to the black package that is by Old Grandpa on the floor)

Old Grandpa: OK OK OK!!! Fine, I’ll tell the REAL story…

(squiggly lines go again and the scene switches to night, with a cage overhead)

(a guy with a shotgun loaded with lollipops is staring at the cage as it comes down off the crane)

Security Guard 1: So, this is it?

Security Guard 2: Yes, it is…

Security Guard 3: LETS POKE AT IT!

(Security Guard 3 takes a cattle rod and starts poking at the thing inside of the cage)

(the thing inside turns around, and fur comes out of the bars)


(15 more security guards come along with cattle rods and start shocking it as well)

Security Guard 14: DIEE!!

(The thing inside doesnt move, and farts out green smoke, enveloping 9 security guards in its gaseous gas)

Security Guard 12: Oh my god! It smells…so bad!

(Another second passed, and the green smoke started to come back in the way it came, taking the security guards with it)

(Crocodile Dundee appears out of nowhere)

(the scene goes right back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: In case you don’t know what Crocodile Dundee is doing here, he’s the Park Warden, that I hired! I saw Crocodile Dundee goes to Los Angeles, and I just HAD to hire him for the job! He knows how to rassle a gator! ….I think…

(the scene goes back to Crocodile Dundee, and he runs to one of the Security Guards, holding him from being sucked in with the gas)

Crocodile Dundee: G’day! HOLD ON!!!


(Security Guard 12 flies past Security Guard 4 as he said that)

Security Guard 12: YOU DONT HAVE KIDS! AHHHH!!!

(Security Guard 12 disappears with a crunch)

Security Guard 4: Oh yeah…DONT LET GO!!! AHHH!!!

(Crocodile Dundee loses his grip, and Security Guard 4 disappears)

(Security Guard 4’s cattle rod falls to the ground by the cage, and the camera pans into it, zooming onto it, not going away, and stays there)


(Old Grandpa laughs maniacally as the camera freezes on the cattle rod)

Old Grandpa: I’m such a bastard, aren’t I? Anywho, the next day….

(Crocodile Dundee is walking along)

Crocodile Dundee: La la la la……..I’m Crocodile Dundee. G’day mate!

(Younger Old Grandpa walks over to him, but he’s still pretty fuckin’ old)

Younger Old Grandpa: What the hell are you doin’! you’re supposed to be workin’, ya goddam Aussie! Yer lucky I hired you, or you’d be in your 10 dollar home in Australia saying “g’day mate, might I have a role in your movie so I can earn a living” all day!

(Crocodile Dundee gives him a thumbs up)

Younger Old Grandpa: Glad you understand!

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: what I didn’t know then, was that a thumbs up in Australia means “up yours!” THE NERVE OF THAT BASTARD! He’s piss poor, and he flicks me off…If he were still alive I’d kill him! Well, anyway, I invited 2 archaeologists, an actor, and some lawyer guy, along with my two, (very sarcastic, looking at Mom) LOVING……ADORING CHILDREN!

Mom: Its not my fault.

Fred: Your fault for what mommy?

Mom: your births…….just listen…

Old Grandpa: I also had 2 really really dumbass programmer guys running the whole fuggin park from the inside. They were Samuel L. Jackson and Jerry Seinfeld. Boy, I tell you. I really know how to pick’em…

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and go to Jerry Seinfeld’s face)

Jerry Seinfeld: hey sammy! sammy sammy sammmmmyyy

Samuel L. Jackson: what do you want?

Jerry Seinfeld: what do you get when you cross an elphant with a cocaine addict? A big snorter! Ahahaha

Samuel L. Jackson: what the hell you talkin ’bout, boy!? Are you dissin’ my MAMA?

Jerry Seinfeld: Why, I never heard of such accusations! except the time I was screwin’ yer mom up the ass last night! booya! I did your mom, how do you like THAT!

Samuel L. Jackson: that’s it! See hwo you like this!

(Samuel hits the enter key)

Jerry Seinfeld: what are you do–HEY! My Solitaire game! You stupid fuck! I’ll get you for this!

Samuel L. Jackson: yeah, what are you gonna do? Lock us out of the system, turn off all the power to the park and make us reset the whole thing while lots of people die in the process, including me?

Jerry Seinfeld: I was just gonna hire a clown to harass you, but that’s a pretty good idea. Let me tell you something. I eat chicken strips, but clowns these days are expensive.

(Crocodile Dundee comes in)

Crocodile Dundee: shut the hell up, the lot of you. Or I’ll G’day your asses all night.

Old Grandpa: What a lot of dumbasses. No wonder my theme park failed. Wsell, eventually, my guests wanted to know how everything in the park worked, so I put them into my tour…

(squiggly lines distort the scene again)

(Younger Grandpa steps before a big screen and on the screen, he comes out)

Younger Grandpa: why, hellooooo Grandpa!

Younger Grandpa on Screen: hello there!

Younger Grandpa: could I have a prick of your blood?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: shore! why not!?

(Younger Grandpa pricks the Grandpa on screen’s “finger” and then 2 more Younger Grandpa on Screens come out)

Younger Grandpa on Screen: oh! hello there!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 3: oh hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hoowww did you do it?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: I’ll tell you!

(Mr. Dna comes out of Younger Grandpa on Screen’s finger)

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: oh! Mr. DNA! how are you?


Younger Grandpa on Screen: how about you tell us what we did to you?

Mr. DNA: fine, you FUCK. What they did to me was take the DNA of a dinosaur and filled the holes with the DNA of a hairy hairy hairy Armenian! That’s where all the dinosaurs get all the hair from. Should have though that through, don’t you think?

Younger Grandpa: hmm….yes….

(goes back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: Mr. DNA sure had a point. well, Mom and Mom’s Brother were walking along the T-Rex cage when Mom’s Brother decided to poke at him with a stick…

(the scene goes to an annoying looking kid poking the T-Rex in the leg with a long stick)

Mom’s Brother: ahhaha stupid T-Rex! Hahahah

(The T-Rex reaches over the cage and chomps him up in one bite)

Alternative scene for the T-Rex scene:Mom’s Brother: I wanna see the Fur-Rex!

Crocodile Dundee: fine, you stupid wanker. Everyone get into these trucks.

(the trucks go to the Fur-Rex pen)

(the Fur-Rex is lounging on a couch, drinking beer, watching football)

Mom’s Brother: Oh WOWWW! Its the Fur-Rex!!!

(the Fur-Rex looks over to Mom’s Brother for a second)

Mom’s Brother: ohhhhh my GOD! Its sooooooo coooool!

Fur-Rex: hey, kid. Shut the hell up.

Mom’s Brother: AHHHHHHH!

Fur-Rex: you stupid fuck! I’m watching the Rams getting the crap beaten out of them by the Vikings!

Mom’s Brother: whoooooo!


(The Fur-Rex charges the 10,000 voltage fence, and the scene switches to Jerry Seinfeld, just as he turns the power off)

Jerry Seinfeld: hehe! let me tell yo usomething. When I want to turn her off. I can REALLY turn her off. Ahahahaaha!

(a guy with a bass appears and starts playing the Seinfeld theme song as Jerry Seinfeld, with shaving cream in each hand runs around spraying it all around)

(scene goes back to Fur-Rex and the Fur-Rex breaks through the gate, roaring)

Fur-Rex: NOW you’re gonna get it, kid!

Mom’s Brother: ………………………………..HOLY SHIT!

(the kid runs out of the jeep and the T-Rex eats him)

Fur-Rex: HAAAAAA! Wait a sec…my TV isn’t working! This stupid Ford Explorer is the problem!

(the camera zooms in on “Fur-Assic Park” on the door, and then the Fur-Rex kicks it off a cliff that somehow wasn’t there before)

Fur-Rex: Nyah!

Old Grandpa (rubbing his chin, and talking sarcastically): I still can’t figure out where he learned how to do that…because I taught him to eat both of them up……..anyway that dumb annoying lawyer guy was taking a crap in the Stegosaurus’s bathroom, and the Stegos got pretty friggin’ mad and ate him.Old Grandpa: I told Crocodile Dundee he could go shoot any dinosaurs he wanted if the power was shut off by a rogue employee, because the dinosaurs were probably gonna kill us before we could blow our noses….or just everyone else, because I was going to get on a helicopter right away, and he chose to go kill the raptors, I guess.

(scene goes to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: shit. The powers out. That means the raptors are outside of their cages.

(scene goes to the Raptors, 4 of them, playing cards)

Betty Raptor: got any 3s?

Veronica Raptor: go fish

(scene switches back to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: …time to hunt them.

(Crocodile Dundee takes out his ankle dagger, puts it in his mouth, holding it wwith his teeth, and takes a shotgun out of the closet and loads it)

(scene switches back to the Raptors)

Christina Raptor: go fish

Meany Raptor: god dammit! fuck you and your go fishing!

(Meany has half the deck and no cards on the table. She takes another one)

(all of a sudden Crocodile Dundee jumps out of nowhere onto the table, taking his knife out of his mouth)

Betty: what the hell?

Crocodile Dundee: time to die, WANKERS! I’m gonna G’DAY ya ALL!

Meany Raptor: Get him! He ruined our Poker game!

Veronica Raptor: I thought it was bridge!

Christina Raptor: I thought it was roulette

Betty: ummm…it was all his fault!

(the raptors charge Crocodile Dundee)

(the tree focuses on a tree past the scene)

Later On


(Crocodile Dundee is strapped to the table)


Crocodile Dundee: what are you gonna do with me wankers?


Meany: well, we decided that we’re gonna make you get us pregnant


(camera zooms in on Crocodile Dundee)


Crocodile Dundee: oh shit


Meany Raptor: and we have a 10% chance to actually get pregnant. Maybe less since you’re a stupid dumbass. That means, you’re gonna have to do each of us 10 times at least, which equals 40 times total…at least…


(Crocodile Dundee has his mouth gaping open)

(scene goes to the actor walking around with his hands in his back pockets)

Old Grandpa: As well as for that actor…….he lives, because he’s……… the sequel……….but he doesn’t get off Scott-free!

Jeff Goldblum: hum dee dum dee dum! I’m Jeff Goldblum, and *I* suck.

(raptors come out of nowhere)

Jeff Goldblum: RAPTORS!

(the raptors take out his legs then run away, singing a Britney Spears song)


Old Grandpa: that’ll teach him to bring his fancy shmancy acting around MY parks! By the way, there was this one stupid stupid fat bastard that tried to steal my dinosaurs!

(scene goes to Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: dehe-hehheh…..i’m-a-gonna-steal-these’ms………

Old Grandpa: that stupid fat bastard! Never trust an actor that used to be on Seinfeld!

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: Yeeehaw!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld steals embryos and puts them in a shaving cream can)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: WHEEEEEEEE!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld gets into a jeep and runs into a jungle gym)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: crap I lost my glasses!

(a lizard comes out from a tree)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: awww, lookit the cute little kitty…

(the lizard sprays black acid into his face)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: AHHH! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

(the scene cuts to Old Grandpa, and he’s laughing like crazy, evily)

Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! That’ll teach him to mess with Old Grandpa! Now I don’t remember what happened to Samuel L. Jackson…but I think he did a few things…hmm

(scene cuts to a Fur-Rex having sex with another Fur-Rex)

Fur-Rex: oh ya! oh yeah!

Fur-Rex 2: mmh! I love it! give me more

Samuel L. Jackson: Dinosaur sex sure is nasty

(Samuel L. Jackson takes a sip of a drink)

Samuel L. Jackson: but I surrreee do like it!

(Samuel L. Jackson smiles)

Old Grandpa: after Jerry Seinfeld sabotaged everything, I suppose he was driving kind of dangerously through the jungle or something.

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld driving a jeep dangerously going every whichway he feels like. Jerry is throwing shaving cream out everywhere)

Daddy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: what the hell is that guy doing? He’s putting all this shaving cream on my lawn. I know I need some, but this is ridiculous. Stupid kid. I’M NOT THAT HAIRY!

Mommy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: get him Urv!

Urv: oh alright

(Jerry Seinfeld is driving maniacally now)

Jerry Seinfeld: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Urv jumps onto the hood)

Jerry Seinfeld: shit!

Urv: you bastard! you’ve gone too far!

(Urv crashes through the window and spits at Jerry Seinfeld)

Urv: patooey patooey!

Jerry Seinfeld: ewwwwwwwwww! ……………….it burns!

Urv: yeah, just wait till I whip out my wang!

(an unzipping sound is heard, as the camera gets a shot of the car zooming past a turn)

(and a crashing sound is heard)

(scene cuts going back to Urv’s wife Natasha, and Urv walks up to her)

Urv: hey Natasha, look what I found!

Natasha: what is it?

Urv: its a goozak dildo. I found it in my pants when I was beating that guy

Natasha: alright! now we can have sex and have babies.

Urv: it sucks when you’re the man of the house and you’re female. I don’t have no dong thing to do you with

(Natasha pats him on the shoulder)

Natasha: its ok, we have the goozak now. Strap it on.

(scene cuts to Natasha getting ass rammed by Urv. They have their skin that was around their neck up, and they’re both hissing like crazy. You couldn’t see it before, but under that skin stuff, there was a lot of hair, so they have really hairy necks….yeah…)

(a piece of poop is focused on, as little chicken-sized dinosaurs jump out from behind a pile of furry crap)

Old Grandpa: there were these little dinosaurs I taught to talk like college professors…… least with their accents…

(the dinosaurs have English college professor accents)

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 1: Have you eaten your helping of crap yet, my dear good chum?

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 2: No, I haven’t chap, but I’m sure Denny has already spilled his dish over to mine…

(both of them look over to Denny)

Denny: what? Its not my fault they named an all-american food restaurant chain after me. Bah!

(the dinosaurs went back to eating their crap)

Old Grandpa: ah yes, it was fun talking with those guys, all they ever did was smoke and eat poop…….

Fred: I do that too!

Alyssa: me too!

(Old Grandpa raises an eyebrow at them)

Old Grandpa: what in tarnation? Anyway…..the scientists or achaeologists or whatever they are, were so smart they were stupid…

(scene cuts to the archaelogists)

Archaeologist 1: I found some eggs! They’re mating! OMG OMG OMG!

Furrasaur: hey! put down my breakfast, fag!

(Furrasaur swings his tail at Archaeologist and he flies away)

(later on, the archaelogists are back together or whatever…)

Archaeologist 1: ooh, look at this bone, its so old I think it may be well over 10 years old. Don’t you say?

Archaeologist 2: hmm, yes, but I do say that it does look like it was here before we were ever born

(both of them chuckle)

Old Grandpa: I don’t even know their names…

Archaeologist 1: why, what’s that over here?

(Archaeologist 1 climbs up onto a furry rock)

Archaeologist 2: I don’t know……try jumping up and down on it.

(Archaeologist 1 jumps up and down, up and down, anddddddddddddddddddd falls into the middle of it)

Archaeologist 1: well, I do say…I have been swallowed up by a dinosaur’s auss!

Archaeologist 2: might I have a look-see?

(Younger Old Grandpa pops out of nowhere)

Younger Old Grandpa: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

(Younger Old Grandpa shoves Archaeologist 2 into the Fur-Rex’s ass as well)

Old Grandpa: what might have happened to Jerry Seinfeld, you might ask?

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld with black stuff all around in his jeep)

Jerry Seinfeld: I’ve been spat on before, but nothing like this! And I thought my “routine” was bad because everyone in the room spat on me, but this is a real killer!

(Jerry falls onto the ground, looking around)

Jerry Seinfeld: where’s Samuel when you need him…?

(scene switches to Samuel L. Jackson riding a goat around the park)

Samuel L. Jackson: boy, isn’t this fun

(Ben Affleck on his goat, runs into Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson’s goat dies)


Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: HEY

Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: you fuck! you better give me a ride!

(Ben Affleck gets back onto his goat)

Ben Affleck: better luck next time!

Samuel L. Jackson: oh no you don’t!

(Samuel L. Jackson takes out a lightsaber and jumps into the air, slicing off the goat’s legs)

Ben Affleck: no! what’d you do! I have somewhere to go!

Samuel L. Jackson: you said better luck next time! Now I’m gonna take off each of your lims one….by….one……with my lightsaber

(Ben Affleck’s eyes widen as the lightsaber gets nearer to his face)

(meanwhile, the Ice Cream Man is waiting for Ben Affleck)

Ice Cream Man: hmm…well it looks like he’s not coming today

(the Ice Cream Man pushes away his cart, and gets into the ice cream truck and starts driving away into the jungle)

Fur-Rex: I smell ice cream!!

(the Fur-Rex jumps out of a tree and starts chasing the truck down the long path)


(Ice Cream Man looks back)

Ice Cream Man (screaming like a girl): AIYEEEEE!!

(Ice Cream Man floors the gas pedal, but still doesn’t go that fast)

Fur-Rex: hey! where are you going?

(inside the truck)

Ice Cream Man: this’ll fend him off!

(Ice Cream Man plays the Ice Cream Man music)

Ice Cream Man: ahahahaa! DIE!

(but then more Fur-Rexs come out and start chasing him)

Ice Cream Man: ah crap

(later on, a few Fur-Rexs are sitting against the ice cream truck with chocolate all over their mouths, one has white stuff all over its mouth)

Fur-Rex: I thought there was only chocolate ice cream in the ice cream truck

Fur-Rex 3: well, the Ice Cream Man was white

Fur-Rex 2: you ate the ice cream man?

Fur-Rex 3: not exactly…

(the Ice Cream Man stumbles out of the truck with his pants at his ankles)

Ice Cream Man: what the HELL just happened?

(the other 2 Fur-Rexs look at Fur-Rex 3 with a weird look on their faces)

Fur-Rex 3: what? what’d I do?


Fred: but what happened to mom and the archaeologist and the actor?

Alyssa: yeah yeah what happened?!

Old Grandpa: Mom got pregnant and brought the worlds destruction upon us……(sarcastic now) THANK YOU MOM………the actor’s legs got better, hates Britney Spears, and is in the sequel to this movie, and the archaeologist were digested and thrown up through the mouth, eaten again, then pooped out, where they were eaten again by the English college professor accented chicken sized dinosaurs and then crapped out again, in which they were eaten by bacteria…I don’t know what happened then, because it was 24 years since then, and now I’m here telling a story to some stupid children…time for bed!

(Old Grandpa knocks them out again)



Salt Water Slushy Co.

(a man is at a slushy machine, and uses it to get this white, soapy looking slush into a big cup)


Joe Slush: mmmh….a nice big helping of a salt water slushy….oh hello, my name is Joe Slush and I’m paid by Salt Water Slushy Co. to bash the Icee Corporation and tell you how good salt water slushies are. You may say “salt water? That’s for the fishes!” But you are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong! Wrong how America is to the people that hate it, wrong how MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME! I KNOW YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME MARY, YOU STUPID BITCH I’M GONNA KILL YO UBY HANGING YOUR DANGLING BODY OVER JAGGED ROCKS AND DROPPING YOU TO YOUR DEATH, YOU BITCH BITCH BITCH-


(technical difficulties screen displays)

(after a few seconds it goes back to Joe Slush)


Joe Slush: ok, I’m sorry, I got outta hand a bit, but I’m calmed down….I’M GONNA SLAY YOU LIKE A WILDABEAST –


(technical difficulties flashes again)


Joe Slush: ok, seriously now. Salt Water Slushies are very good, when you get past the extremely salty-ness of each flavor, including strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, …and THE BLOOD OF MY WIFE, MARY! DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU GET A LITTLE PIECE OF INTESTINE OR FLESH! BECAUSE I’M GOING TO PUREE HER, AND PUT HER IN YOUR SALT WATER SLUSHIES!


Security Guard (off screen): that’s it, suckah! I told you 3 times, now you gonna get it!


(Security Guard runs Joe Slush in with a battering ram, and Joe flies into the background, and slams on the floor)

(Security Guard drops the battering ram, and takes out a nightstick, jumping into the air and you can hear some thud sounds)

(technical difficulties…….again)