I-Rental

I-Rental Man: hello, I am the I-Rental Man. Have you come under a tragic event in which you lost your eye? Or eyes for that fact? Well, I have a proposition for you.

 

(I-Rental walks next to a case)

 

I-Rental: here at I-Rental, we can solve your problems. Instead of living with no eyes or getting a glass eye, bring in your busted eyes, and we’ll let you rent some of our very own reconstructed eyes.

 

(I-Rental Man pats the case)

 

I-Rental Man: Yessir, in here we have all the colors of the rainbow and more. Best of all, you don’t need to take any medicine and your new eyes work instantly. You just pop them in and that’s it! All for a very low price of $100 a month. That’s only about $13 a day. No amount of money is worth your eyesight. And this month we’re having a special. When you get your first pair of eyes, you can rent more pairs of eyes for $37.99 more, per pair!!! Try it out!

 

(end)

 

Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy and Pals Episode 1 – LSD

This was actually done in real life for a presentation in Health, so it was meant to have actually been done in real life, which it was and Little Puppy Rosy is a Taco Bell Chihauhau toy. However, it was lost, so there is no copy of the video anywhere.


Puppy: Hi, I’m Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy, and I’m here today to teach you about LSD…with the help of my buddies: Larry, the drugged up bear-

 

Larry: Moo!

 

Puppy: -and, The Predator!

 

Predator: Rrrrn…

 

Puppy: My friends and I are going to go around town and ask random people about LSD and its effects

 

(Wait 5 seconds)

(Squeeze the puppy so its says “How cool is this”)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Note: butt butt is stimpyismyname’s older brother)

(butt butt is in a car)

(Run up to him)

 

Puppy: What do you know about LSD?

 

butt butt: Oh! You mean Lysergic Acid Diethylamide? Sure, I know lots of stuff!

 

Puppy: Like what?

 

butt butt: Well, first of all, when you take it, it is called “dropping acid,” and its nickname is “acid”

 

Puppy: So what? What’s bad about it?

 

butt butt (looking up): You unintelligent miscreant! You get tension, chills, fever, trembling, a loss of appetite and nausea when you “drop” it!

 

Puppy: Thank you!

 

(Throw puppy, then fade out)

(Fade in)

(Andy is in car. Run up to him)

 

Andy: Whee! Driving!

 

Puppy: Hello, kind sir. Would you tell us something about LSD?

 

Andy: No!

 

(Turn away from Andy)

 

Puppy: There is no one to talk to about LSD. Hey, wait! There’s Raphael the LSD scientist

 

(Note: Raphael is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael, and is wearing a space suit)

(Run over to Raphael)

 

Puppy: Hey, aren’t you Raphael, the famous LSD scientist?

 

Raphael: Yes, I am, I know everything about LSD.

 

Puppy: Do you know who discovered it?

 

Raphael: Yes I do, it is Albert Hoffman

 

Puppy: Wow, what happened to him?

 

Raphael: he died, because he drank LSD and had an extremely bad trip

 

Puppy: How do you take LSD and what are its effects?

 

Raphael: LSD is usually placed on foods such as sugar cubes and gelatin and eaten. Abusers say it makes their senses sharper and that ideas float through their minds, but they can’t act on them.

 

Puppy: oh…so that’s the reason why Larry has been seeing all those dancing penguins with lollipops

 

Raphael: Yes, Puppy, it is a proven fact, it is from LSD. An LSD trip can be as long as 6 to 8 hours.

 

Puppy: What happens when you have a “bad trip?”

 

Raphael: Hmm…oh yeah! It can increase anxiety, a person already had and causes a mental breakdown. Some people may feel depressed, anxious, and unreal for days after a trip. A lot of abusers have flashbacks which are when the effect of LSD returns days or months after a trip.

 

(Note: Raphael 2 is a “naked” Raphael, with only a belt on kinda)

(Raphael 2 enters)

 

Raphael 2: Hey! Wait a second, you’re the guy that took my clothes, you’re not a real LSD scientist, you’re just an LSD abuser that got out of his cage!

 

Raphael: Uh uh uh….(Looks around) bye (runs away)

 

Puppy: So wait a minute, your the real LSD scientist?

 

Raphael 2: You bet your pants I am!

 

Puppy: I have no pants!

 

(Wait a while)

 

Raphael 2: k…bye

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in with Larry, Puppy and Predator)

 

Puppy: ok, kiddies now we’re going to recreate what it would be like if someone actually took LSD

 

Larry: whee!

 

Predator: Rrrrr….

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Larry and Predator walk up to Blue)

 

Larry: Yo, buddy. Got any Lysergic Acid Diethylamide?

 

Blue: What you talkin’ bout? I know you ain’t talkin’ ‘bout my momma!

 

Larry: No no no, man. I just want some LSD!

 

Blue: Oh ok. Here ya go

 

(Move arm up with big dropper and give it to Larry)

 

Larry: How much for it, dude?

 

Blue: Free, because I’m an idiot!

 

(Let go of Blue)

 

Larry: Ohhhk…

 

(Predator jumps up and down on him and they walk away)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

 

Larry: Yo, Predator, you wanna drop it first?

 

Predator: Rrr….

 

(Predator lays down, face up, close up on his face and drop “LSD” on his face, zoom out)

 

Predator: Rrr! Rrr!! (Flies away)

 

(Have a bunch of random scenes)

 

(Note: these were the random scenes: a dueling pair of feet with both guys saying “engarde” and “touché”, a mosh pit with Rage Against The Machine music playing, Homer Simpson and Predator fighting, and another Taco Bell Chihauhau that had a rose in its mouth and said “I think I’m in love,” a pause, and then Predator knocking over the dog)

 

(Afterwards, have Predator laying on the bed, then stand up)

 

Larry: whoa man, LSD is messed up, I never wanna do that stuff

 

(A bunch of drops fall on Larry)

 

Larry: Predator…

 

Predator (laughing): rrr rrr rrr rrr!

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Same place and same order as in the beginning)

 

Puppy: Well, kids, I hope you learned the LSD is bad because it has long term affects on your body.

 

Larry: Uhh….yeah

 

Puppy: See you next time, when we talk about sniffing dogs and how it ruins your life. Bye!

 

Larry: bye

 

Predator: Rrr…

 

(They all wave)

 

(credits)

 

The End

 


real credits, were somewhere along the lines of…

davepoobond – Wrote script, helped think up script. Voice of: Puppy, Blue

elmoisfurry – Helped think up script, camera, voice of: Larry, Predator

butt butt – Raphael, Raphael 2, Andy

 

Bad Vacation Agency

Secretary: hello there, I’m Betsy Watson and I work for Bad Vacation Agency. Would you like to have an EXTREMELY bad vacation? Or would you like us to forcefully abduct someone and put them on a bad vacation as well? We have a database that can instantly find your worst vacation, according to these “levels” of badness:

 

Mild

Moderate

Annoying

Obnoxious

Bad

Very Bad

Extremely Bad

Jammed In a Closet

And the kind of vacation that’d be exactly like being stuck in Hiroshima at the time of the atomic bomb exploding on your pale assssssssssss!

 

Secretary: yes, that’s right. So call 1-800-I-or-a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-go-to-hell or just dial 0 and ask for your mom. See you on your worst vacation ever!

 

(secretary waves, and camera focuses out, and you can see people hanging from ropes off the ceilings and chained to the walls)

 

Secretary: no matter what, we’ll STILL have room for you

 

(secretary winks)

(end)

 

Jam Jam Cam

(a stupid guy is breakdancing)

 

Stupid Guy: haha! Yeah!

 

(Stupid Guy stops, and walks over to the camera)

 

Stupid Guy: wasn’t that stupendous?

 

(Stupid Guy dances)

 

Stupid Guy: Hi, I’m Stupid Guy, and I’m here to tell you about my new invention! Jam jam Cam! Its so cool, it makes you look like you’re dancing, when you really aren’t! And it adds music to it too. Let’s look at the same thing I was doing, but with a regular camera!

 

(it goes to a reg. camera shot, and it has Stupid Guy doing jumping jacks and rolling around on the floor, and running into a wall)

 

Stupid Guy: If you do a lot worse than me, and would like to look good doing something else when you really want it, get this product. Let’s hear some testimonials!

 

Loser: I was doing the robot, but the Jam Jam Cam turned my loser Robot dance into a freak dance with a hot girl I never saw before! It was cool…

 

Woman: I was doing the funky chicken, and the Jam Jam Cam turned it into a Conga line with hot men boning me in my ass!

 

Stupid Guy: wouldn’t you like that to happen to YOU?

 

Loser: Yes, I would!

 

Woman: You can bet on it!

 

Stupid Guy: You heard from real-life customers that we payed to say something good about this product! Why not buy yours today?

 

(Stupid Guy starts dancing)

 

Stupid Guy: you may actually learn how to REALLY dance

 

(Stupid Guy is actually crawling around on the floor in a pink tutu, kicking at the air)

 

(end)

 

Pencil Eraser

(A guy walks in front of the camera and bows, holding a pencil)

(The guy sits on a chair and rubs the eraser on the desk, slowly)

(The camera zooms in on the pencil, watching it erase)

(It stays like that until the eraser is gone, an hour and a half later)

(The camera zooms out, the guy bows, then leaves)

(end)

 

Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety

davepoobond: Hello, my name is davepoobond, and I’m here to tell you about my new product, Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety. This Anti-Anxiety medicine is very easy to take. All you have to do is pick up a box from a pharmacy. You don’t have to have a prescription to take this medicine, since you can’t be legally diagnosed for having anxiety. You know when you have it, and if you have too much to bare, Anti-Anxiety can help you get it down and make you feel better. The Anti-Anxiety medicine is in a powder-form in packets so you can put it in a drink and drink it. They are carefully measured out, and you should not have more than one at a time, but who’s stopping you? After two days of not feeling any better, you can take it again and keep repeating that pattern for up to two weeks. If you don’t feel any better from the anxiety, stop using it, it won’t do any good for you, or don’t we don’t care wink wink. This medicine is FDA approved, so you don’t have to worry about it being bad wink wink.

 

The Jester Guild Union

Jester: HELLO EVERYONE! ARE YOU A PSYCHOTIC MANIAC OR JUST PLAIN LIKE TO ANNOY PEOPLE CONSTANTLY AND ENJOY IT???? DO U FEEL THAT THERE IS “JUST NO PLACE” FOR YOU? THEN YOU’RE ELIGIBLE TO JOIN THE JESTERS GUILD UNION!

 

Mr.: the who?

 

Jester: THE JESTER GUILD UNION!!!!!!!

 

Mr.: oh, what do u do?

 

Jester: YES! I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION! WE GO AROUND AND ANNOY PEOPLE FOR ROYALTY, LIKE THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND SHIT! DO YOU KNOW THAT WEENIE, TERRORSAUR?

 

Mr.: uh…..sure…

 

Jester: HIS NAME IS “MR. CHIZEL BOTTOMS!!!!” THATS REALLY HIS GIVEN NAME, BY BIRTH! SO, EVERYBODY CALL HIM THAT! WE’RE SO FUNNY AND STUPID, WE CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT KINDA SHIT! IF YOU ARE A STUPID IDIOT OR A HOBO OUT ON THE STREET, YOU SHOULD JOIN THIS GUILD UNION AND GAIN BENEFITS SUCH AS:

 

Life Insurance – for those “special occasions” that someone will jump out of a tree and shoot you with a shotgun

Dental Insurance – needed for those “special occasions” when people punch you, a lot

Company Car – an Oldsmobile, because Oldsmobiles are annoying, just like you!

And much more!

 

Announcer guy: remember folks! if you’re annoying and/or psychotic, call 1-800-ANNOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ll protect you from going back to the looney bin, with our ultra special lawyers!

 

(a lawyer dressed up as a clown talking in German, is waving a briefcase)

(end)

 

Ghostwroter Episode 1

(theme song)

Jump: Hellooooo!

 

Everyone else: Hello hello hello!

 

Ghostwroter (flies through the air): Whoosh!

 

Hop: Now its time

 

Skip: To say hello,

 

Gallop: Hi,

 

Run: Ollah!

 

Walk: Moo!

 

Jump: We’re a bunch of losers, with no families,

 

Hop: That’s why we have the gift, of talking to a big green glob that flies!

 

Skip: As well as poos-

 

Gallop: And pees!

 

Run: Peas not peeeeees!

 

(Everyone starts punching each other, a big title appearing over their heads. They stop and jump, screaming)

 

Everyone: GHOSTWROTER!!!

 

(Ghostwroter flies across the screen revealing the episode’s name)

 

Don’t Go To Austrailia!

 

Jump: Hey, guys

 

Everyone else: Hi, Jump!

 

Ghostwroter (flies through the air) spells out: Helloooo!

 

Jump: I’m sorry guys, I have to move to Austrailia with my parents…

 

Skip (patting Jump on the back): Its ok, Jump. I understand…can I have your money?

 

Hop: Wait a minute! *I* want his money!

 

Gallop: What are you guys talking about? We’re all piss broke, and he doesn’t even have parents!! (points at Jump, accusingly)

 

Jump (looking around): Um um um um um um um…

 

Gallop: We live in the same cardboard box, together!

 

Jump: That’s it! You die NOW!!

 

(Jump jumps after Gallop, but he gallops away)

 

Jump: I hate my name, I always have to jump wherever I go because of it

 

Ghostwroter spells out: Its ok, Jump. Write me a message!

 

Jump: Ok…

 

(Jump writes “You SUCK” on the floor)

 

Jump: THERE! Ya HAPPY?! I don’t see why we have a green glob instead of a FUCKING HOUSE!

 

Skip: He’s cute, that’s why

 

(Jump blinks a few times)

 

Jump: He doesn’t have a fuckin’ face!!!

 

Run: So?

 

Walk: I still love him!

 

(Walk hugs Ghostwroter)

 

Everyone except Jump: Awwww!!

 

Jump (smacks his head): How’d I get stuck with you losers, anyhow?

 

Run: Remember? Our parents were all seperated at birth and then when they had us they all said “we don’t like children” so they dumped us in a cardboard box in New York with Ghostwroter. Plus, we got these nifty pens!

 

(Run waves the pen he has in the air)

 

Jump (looking at his own pen): ………………………………………………………………oh yeah………..

 

Run: I’m hungry, what do we have in our pickle jar?

 

Gallop: Well, we have a parrot’s head, a calculator and a street sign

 

Run: I’ll take the street sign

 

(Gallop gives him the street sign and Run starts eating it)

 

Walk: Ok, we have to find a way to find out whether we’re girls or boys

 

Jump: I know I’m a boy

 

Ghostwroter spells out: I’m a glob

 

Walk: I’m a girl

 

Gallop: I’m a boy

 

Run: I’m a boy

 

Skip: I’m a girl

 

Hop: I’m a bisexual transvestite

 

(everyone looks at Hop)

 

Hop (looking from side to side): What? oh…I’m a girl……yeah, that’s it

 

Jump: Ok

 

Gallop: So, how about them Dodgers?

 

Walk: We live in New York

 

Run: So?

 

Walk: They’re in LA………

 

Gallop: THEY GOT TRADED!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Ghostwroter spells out: Hahahahahahahahahaha

 

(end)

 

Cliploc Bags

Cow: moo.

 

(Cow chews some grass)

 

Cow: moo moo moo, moo moo? Moo moo moo moo moo. Moo. Moo moo moo, moo moo

 

(Cow chews some grass again)

 

Cow: moo moo moo moo, moo-

 

Farmer (off screen): Bessy! Are you making commercials again?!?

 

Cow: moo!!!

 

Farmer: Bessy, I told you…

 

(Farmer walks next to the cow)

 

Farmer: now, you have to die

 

Cow: moo!!!!!!!

 

(Farmer stabs the cow with a sword)

(end)

 

Jack in the Crack

Jack: hi. I’m Jack. You may wonder why I have a ridiculous plastic ball on my head, and a party hat on top of that. But I’ll tell you something…

 

(Jack walks to the right)

 

Jack: hi, I’m Jack. I have an airplane, and a football team. We make lots of good, quality fast food. As good as fast food will get anyway. But as long as its better than McDonalds, I’d guess it is better quality anyway, even if we took a crap on it. All our food is made with 100% crack cocaine, and we made different types of food with it. Crack Taco Shells, Crack Cheese, Crack Beef, Crack Lettuce, just to name a few.

 

(Jack picks up a crack pipe)

 

Jack: ah, nature’s fruits of labor…and remember, we don’t crack it, ’till you jack-it!”

 

(end)

 

The Pump Girls Episode 1

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

 

Pump It Up!

 

(The scene goes to the Pump Girls’ hospital beds, they’re in their hospital gowns)

 

KayKay: I wish we didn’t have juvenile diabetes

 

JoeJoe: At least we get insulin pump pagers!

 

AshAsh: Yes, we also have the Pump Girls because of this!

 

FartFart: ::Fart!!:: And we wouldn’t be able to be the Pump Girls if we didn’t have Juvenile diabetes and insulin pump pagers!

 

(KayKay starts hyperventilating)

 

KayKay: Too much…..sugar…!

 

(KayKay pushes a button on her pager with a *pshhh* sound of air, insulin pumping into her body, making her have less sugar)

 

KayKay: Ah! That feels better…

 

JoeJoe: KayKay, are you feeling “up” for our performance tonight?

 

FartFart: We have a performance!?

 

AshAsh: Yes, its our biggest break ever! We’re going to a playground next to an industrial waste dump

 

KayKay: Oh. No wonder, I forget things of importance all the time, like the time I had a bowel movement and I hadn’t gone in 4 weeks and-

 

AshAsh: Shut up

 

(KayKay gets up and takes off her hospital gown, in the middle of the room, nude)

 

FartFart: EW!!

 

KayKay: Whoops, I forgot you guys weren’t gay

 

(3 hours later)

 

Mommy Manager: Ok, everyone! Get into the van!

 

(many many homeless people pile into the van)

 

Mommy Managaer: Not you! I meant The Pump Girls!!

 

(a homeless man near the bottom raises his hand)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: I’m a Pump Girl!

 

Mommy Manager: Ok. The rest of you: OUT! Or you get dsemboweled!

 

Homeless People: Awwww

 

Mommy Manager: NOWWW!!!

 

(The Homeless People ran away, leaving Homey the Homeless Man, and The Pump Girls go to their next performance)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: Got any food?

 

Mommy Manager: Gosh no…you know that there are no foods in the world that don’t contain sugar in it, and since you have juvenile diabetes you can’t eat food, you know that.

 

(Homey the Homeless Man gets a sad face)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: I have stones in my intestine?

 

Mommy Manager: No…not anymore, we exchanged gallstones for diabetes to become The Pump Girls instead of The Rolling Gallstones. You don’t remember? Geez. We’re here.

 

(Mommy Manager stops at the playground, and everyone gets out. KayKay forgets how to walk and falls on the floor, soaking in mud)

 

KayKay: I broke a bone!

 

AshAsh: Great, we’ll never be able to perform now!

 

(Just then a plane swoops down and catches AshAsh in the propellers instantly dicing her up, and leaving only her shoes)

 

FartFart: ::Fart!!:: Ahhh! AshAsh died!

 

(Then, FartFart farted again and blew away the Mommy Manager, knocking her out. FartFart becomes exhausted and faints on top of KayKay)

 

JoeJoe: What the hell?

 

KayKay: Get her off meeee!

 

(KayKay passes out)

(Just then a bunch of children run over to JoeJoe with cans of Mountain Dew, pouring it all over her)

(JoeJoe starts having a seizure)

 

JoeJoe: Noo! I can’t take sugar into my bodyyyy!

 

(JoeJoe falls to the floor, still shaking, and passes out, still shaking)

(Homey the Homeless Man just watches all of this, takes AshAsh’s shoes and gets into the car, driving away)

(end)

 

SBC News Christmas Special

Now top stories with David…

Weather with Daveed…

Sports with Davis…

A few words with Fiddlesticks…

and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown.

 

Now for the top stories…David: Welcome to the first annual Christmas Special of SBC News TV!! It is sure to be a holly jolly show today!

 

(Fiddlesticks covers his mouth)

 

Fiddlesticks: COUGH, yeah right, COUGH, COUGH!!!

 

(David looks at Fiddlesticks with a mean look)

(Fiddlesticks looks back)

 

Fiddlesticks: CCCOOOUUUGGGHHH!!!

 

David: SHUT UP!!

 

Fiddlesticks: OK, FINE, GAWD

 

Davis: What is this episode supposed to be about?

 

David: …I dunno…

 

Binky: Well, the only thing I know is that I’m interviewing Santa Clause and some other…things

 

David: hmm…ok…but first we have an undercover report from Dave

 

Binky: Dave, huh? He sorta scares me…

 

David: oh….well…here he is

 

(Dave comes up on a small TV screen next to David)

 

Dave: Hello, this is Dave reporting live from someplace in Wyoming….unfortunately during the Christmas season, the number of suicides increase a lot, and most of those people that commit suicide are wimps and don’t wanna face the IRS or some crap like that…but this is very strange

 

(Dave walks over to a body below a cliff)

 

Dave: as you can see…

 

(Dave lifts up the persons head to show the camera)

 

David: Oh my god! That’s Alex Trebeck!!

 

Fiddlesticks: REALLY??? YAAYY!!! HE WAS A BITCH!!!

 

Dave (muttering): Pathetic

 

(Dave drops the head with disgust)

 

Dave: there are just piles upon piles of these dead people here….mostly game show hosts…

 

(the camera gets a shot of all the bodies)

(there are rows and rows and piles of dead bodies)

 

David: Whoa

 

Fiddlesticks: Holy crap

 

Davis: EWW!!!

 

(Daveed makes a choking sound, like he’s about to throw up)

 

Dave: Yes, it is gross…I’m getting outta here…

 

(the camera turns off)

 

David: That was really weird….

 

(Binky is just staring ahead at nothing)

 

David: …hey Binky!

 

(Binky still stares at nothing)

(Daveed goes over and slaps him but has no effect)

 

Daveed: He must be stunned, or some junk, I ain’t a doctor, I can’t tell

 

David: HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THE DAMN SPECIAL GUEST CORNER THEN?????????????

 

Daveed: maybe all of us can do it…

 

David: Hmm…..heheheheheheh…

 

(David has an evil grin on his face)

 

Davis: Good idea, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

(Daveed pushes Binky off the chair and drags his chair into the center of the room, right smack in the middle of everybody)

(Daveed goes back and sits down on his chair)

 

David: OK! Who’s up?

 

(a fat shadow appears from the door)

 

David (gasping): WELL!! Isn’t it Mr. Holly Jolly Himself!!

 

(the guy walks out of the shadows)

 

David: HEY! Wait a second! You’re not Santa Clause!

 

Fat guy: Uh, nope. Just a fat guy walking around.

 

(David starts getting mad)

 

David: eeerraaaahhh!!!! HOW DARE YOU COME INTO THIS TV STATION WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!

 

(David takes out a gun and shoots the fat guy)

 

Fat guy: OW!

 

(Fat guy falls down, dead, as another fat shadow appears)

 

David (dropping the gun and gasping): COULD IT BE???

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

Daveed (walking toward Santa Clause): Hey, Santa, how ya doin? Why don’t you take a seat in the middle of all of us where we can see your jolly little fat face.

 

Santa Clause: HO?

 

Daveed: HEY! DON’T CALL ME A HO, BOY! I’ll slap da shit outta you.

 

Santa Clause: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

(Daveed looks strangely at Santa Clause)

 

Daveed: Riiiggghhhttt……now sit your flabby fat ass down over there.

 

(Daveed points to Binky’s chair)

(Santa Clause makes his way over to the chair and every step he takes he says ‘ho’)

 

Santa Clause (as he is sitting down): mmmmmm christmas!

 

Daveed: Well, Santa, Arthritis gettin’ to ya, old man?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: Um, ok. Uh…

 

David: Well, Santa, what do you have for ME for Christmas?

 

Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho

 

(Santa Clause snaps his fingers and a bag appears at his feet)

 

David: Whoa!

 

(Santa Clause reaches in and takes out a neatly wrapped present for everybody and passes them out to everybody)

 

David: Ooh! I wonder what it is

 

(David rips the wrapping open and opens the box)

 

David: Huh? What da hell is this? It’s a Polly Prissy Pants Doll

 

(David is holding the doll and the head falls off)

 

David: …..this is used…

 

Daveed: I got a 3 page book….

 

Davis: I got a piece of paper with scribbles on it

 

Fiddlesticks: Heh heh…I have the best one out of ALL of you!

 

David: What is it?

 

Fiddlesticks: hee hee hee….its a porno magazine

 

(David drops the doll and charges for the magazine)

(so does Daveed and Davis)

 

David: Come on! Give me the magazine!

 

Fiddlesticks: No! It’s mine!

 

Davis: LET GO!

 

Daveed: YOU’RE GONNA RIP IT! GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE IT DOES!!

 

(the magazine is split up four ways)

 

David: Ah man, I got half of a stomach….

 

Fiddlesticks: Jeez, now look what you did to the Playgirl magazine…

 

Daveed: Play…GIRL????

 

(Davis drops his part of the magazine)

 

Davis: YYYUUCCKK!

 

David: Oh my god….

 

(David and Daveed also drop their pieces)

 

Fiddlesticks: My god, you guys should be happy now….ripping up my Christmas present from Santa!

 

David (walking toward his chair): Yeah, whatever…

 

Daveed: Ok, Santa, how is the weather at the north pole?

 

Santa Clause: Christmas! Ho ho ho ho

 

Daveed: So, its always winter?

 

Santa Clause: Merry ho ho ho ho!

 

Daveed (looking at Santa weird): uh, can you say anything but merry, Christmas and ho?

 

Santa Clause: Ho ho ho ho!

 

David: Stop asking confusing questions to Santa! Let’s show him around our studio. Come on Santa!

 

(David leads Santa into the Director’s office)

 

David: This is where we used to have our Director and Producer fight each other all the time for no reason, but since they’re both dead, this room isn’t being used till we find somebody suitable for the job.

 

Daveed: Yeah, they used to fight over how a peanut butter and jelly sandwich should be made. Or, even how to-

 

David: Ok, that’s enough

 

(Davis yawns)

 

Davis: When is this tour over?

 

David (ignoring what Davis said): And, down here…

 

(David leads Santa through the door to the parking lot)

 

David: This is our little parking lot.

 

Fiddlesticks: Hey, where’s my car?

 

Davis: I think I saw someone driving off in a pinto with a flat tire and half the paint was chipped off. Was that yours?

 

Fiddlesticks: ….yes….

 

Davis: HA HA! That’s funny. He blew up a little ways down the road.

 

Fiddlesticks: oh…I hope my kitty made it to safety

 

Daveed: most likely, your stupid little kitty is dead

 

(Fiddlesticks’ kitty walks up to them)

 

Kitty: meow

 

Fiddlesticks: OH! KITTY! YOUR SAFE!

 

(Davis takes David’s gun and shoots the kitty as Fiddlesticks runs up to it)

(Fiddlesticks stares at his dead kitty)

 

Davis: SEE? NOW its dead

 

Fiddlesticks: NOOOO!!!!!

 

(Fiddlesticks drops to his knees and is still screaming)

 

David (looking at Fiddlesticks): Ok, let’s go to another part of the tour…

 

(everyone but Fiddlesticks walks away, and Fiddlesticks is still screaming and holding his kitty up in the air)

 

Fiddlesticks: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

(camera goes to David and Santa Clause)

(Fiddlesticks is screaming in the background)

 

David: Well, this is a statue of a…um…

 

(David turns back to Fiddlesticks)

 

David (yelling): HEY SHUT DA HELL UP!

 

(Fiddlesticks keeps screaming)

 

David (pulling out his gun): Ok, that’s it….

 

(David shoots Fiddlesticks)

 

Fiddlesticks: Ah, SHIT!

 

(Fiddlesticks faints)

 

David: Well, that’s better…..that is a statue….of someone….I dont know who it is though….or why it is here…um…I dont remember how this got here…or remember when it got here….it wasnt here before…So…uh, I guess we should move on then…

 

(the camera goes higher and higher as everybody walks to the right)

 

Announcer Guy: But, what David didn’t know was, that the statue of someone he didn’t know was actually an alien space pod, full of tiny creatures that aim to help a race of other aliens to rule Earth….

 

(the camera zooms back down to David’s face)

 

David: Hey, did anyone hear that?

 

Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO!

 

Daveed: Hear what?

 

David: Uh….never mind…let’s go back inside…there isn’t anything else out here…

 

(everyone gets inside except Santa Clause)

 

Santa Clause (waving his finger from left to right): Ho ho!

 

(Santa Clause snaps and he disappears)

 

David: WHAT??? Ah, man! I was going to ask him if he wanted to be our producer or director or something….

 

Daveed: Uh……I think we’ll find someone better….

 

David: Like?

 

Daveed: Like, uh…that dead fat guy!

 

Fat Guy: What? What are you talking about? I’m not dead, just taking a nap…

 

David: Well, your hired!

 

Fat Guy: For what?

 

David: Uhh…Producer….now your name is now Fat Producer Guy!

 

Fat Producer Guy: cool!

 

David: Now, go and wait for someone to be director, then you can fight with them. That’s your job!

 

Fat Producer Guy: YAY!

 

(Fat Producer Guy goes in the office and closes the door)

 

David: so…now what?

 

Daveed: umm…i think that there were some elves in the back waiting…

 

(camera goes to elves)

 

Master Elf (smoking a cigarette): when the fuck do we get on this fuckin show? i got some crappy ass toys to make…

 

Ho Elf: Oh, don’t worry…we’ll get out of this stupid place soon…even though there is air conditioning instead of heat…

 

Elfy: I’ve never needed to have air conditioning before…

 

Ellf: AIR CONDITIONING IS COOL!

 

(camera goes back to david and the others)

 

David: umm…i’m sorta scared…lets go back to the station..those elves could be….doing something…weird

 

Fiddlesticks: KIIITTTYYY!!!!

 

Davis: What the fuck?

 

Daveed: what?

 

Davis: that statue..

 

Daveed: What about it?

 

Davis: it….moved!

 

Daveed: AW, stop fuckin lying ya stupid son of a bitch. statues can’t move. they are big ass pieces of rock.

 

Davis: It fuckin moved, you bastard.

 

David: Ok, just fuck it, let’s go.

 

Davis: uhh…i dont really want to…

 

(David just walks back into the station to find that the 4 elves they had waiting in the back were jumping around the station yelling “Air Conditioner”)

 

Master Elf: AIR CONDITTTIIOONNERR!!

 

Ho Elf: A! C!

 

Ellf: FFFARRTT! look at that! it dont stink!

 

David: AAAAAARRGGHHH!

 

(David is about to strangle the Master Elf because he is waving his favorite piece of cardboard around his ass)

 

David (running at Master Elf): MY CARDBOARD!!!

 

(suddenly an explosion from behind David, sends him, Davis, and Daveed and they get launched at a wall along with the elfen people)

 

Master Elf: WWAAHH!!!

 

Davis: shistis!

 

Dave: who?

 

Shistis: YESssss…..It is I…the green statue with its arm up in the air….the real reason it was up there was not for me to look god-like, but to let my B.O. torture everyone that can smell it! hahahahahahaa!!

 

(Shistis starts to pace)

 

Davis: I thought you died!

 

Shistis: I thought i died, too!

 

Davis: Then why are you alive?

 

Shistis: hmm….i dont know really…i think it was a present from sweet ol’ Santa Clause!!!

 

(Shistis reaches behind her and pulls out Santa Clause by the collar)

 

Santa Clause (face drooping): ho…ho…ho…

 

David: SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Santa Clause: ho?

 

Daveed (grabbing his head): NNNNYYYAARRRGGG!!!! SHUT UP! STOP SAYING HO!

 

Davis: I think that Santa is calling Shistis a ho…

 

(one of the elves fart)

(air conditioning breaks down, because of the fart)

 

Shistis: AARGH! What is that smell?

 

David (covering his nose): Its an elf fart!! RUN!!!

 

(everybody except the elves, shistis, and Santa Clause run out of the building just as it blows up)

 

Daveed: great, now we have to make ANOTHER stupid studio…

 

David: Hmm…maybe we should use the reserve studio…

 

Daveed: where is that?

 

David: across the street…

 

Daveed: really?

 

David: in Idaho!

 

Daveed: ACK!

 

David: Yes, that’s right, we’ll have to take a train all the way to Idaho…

 

Daveed: do we have to stay there?

 

David: …no..not really…we’ll just move the whole building on top of the old burned up studio…

 

(David takes out a walkie talkie)

 

David (speaking into the walkie talkie): BRING ‘ER IN CHARLIE!

 

Davis: …charlie?

 

David: He’s the helicopter driver…

 

(Charlie the Helicopter Driver comes over with a skinny rope holding onto a huge building)

 

Daveed: Is that our studio?

 

David: yeah! this one has anti-fart fluid sprayer thingys, air conditioning, heat, and…penguins!

 

Davis: Why the fuck do we need penguins?

 

David: ahh…they’re funny…

 

Davis: hrmm…

 

(Davis thinks about how they can be funny)

 

David: they walk funny and they make me laugh everytime they walk past me!

 

Davis (flicking his wrist at David): yeah, whatever, go right on ahead, have your stupid shitty penguins!

 

(David ignores the comment and turns around to the helicopter and brings the walkie talkie up to his mouth)

 

David: a little to the right and drop it right on our old building…

 

(Charlie drops the building on top of the old studio and stays on top of the old building)

 

David: hmm….oh well, now we have 2 floors!

 

(everybody goes into the studio and sits down in the middle of the room on the 1st floor)

(David takes out some pokemon cards)

 

David: haha! check this out! its a FUCK me UP Charizard!

 

Davis (pulling out his): bah! that’s nothing compared to my umm….CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE!

 

(Davis pulls the card out and shoves it in David’s face)

(David eats the CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE card)

 

Davis: HEY! I PAYED 50 BUCKS FOR THAT!!

 

David: and, it didn’t taste bad one bit!

 

Davis: grrr…..i’m gonna kill you!

 

(Davis and David start biting and punching each other)
(Daveed smacks his head and starts shaking his head from left to right with his eyes closed)

 

Daveed: my god…CUT IT! JUST CUT-

 

(end)

 

SAddle SAndbags

Saddy-Back Sandbags: Howdy howdy howdy! I’m Saddy-Back Sandbags, and I own SAddle SAndbags. Believe me when I say this, but Saddleback Sandbags is a completely different company than SAddle SAndbags…just because it is. If you come down to your local hardware store, pick up a bag of our sand or a whole parking lot of them, you can have a lot of sand! There’s unlimited sand in this world, and we take it and bag it and sell it to you. Won’t you buy them? You can prepare for flood, tornados, and other natural disasters, such as politicians coming to speak, Rosie O’ Donnel and to keep your children safe from Michael Jackson, just pile’m on top of them, you can never be too safe from MJ, the king of pop!

 

(end)

 

Billy Gets a Job!

(note: this is VERY stupid, but i dont give a crap…)

Manager Man: hello Mr. Boast, would you please sit down?

Billy: why, i would love too!

Mangager Man: um…ok….

(billy sits down on a chair closest to the door, but farthest from Mangager Man)

Mangager Man: So..you applied to our toy store, to make new ideas for toys?

Billy: yes, i did. i have many….ideas, for new toys

Mangager Man: Hmm, that’s good. What school did you go to for high school?

Billy: I went to a school in Washington

Mangager Man: Why are you looking for a job in New York then?

Billy: I just came here to work for your fine toy store!

Mangager Man: Oh, ok…what ideas do you have for new toys?

Billy: Well, there could be a Post-apocoliptyc type of doll living in a Bomb Shelter, and the ceiling would come off and the doll would enjoy all the modern lifestyles of home: canned food, fold up chairs, fold up tables, and on the outside can be a bunch of craters and crap strewn around the backyard too.

Manager Man: ok, you’re hired!

Billy: yay!

Manager Man: you start in 5 minutes, the sweat shop is upstairs, past the guards

Billy (getting up): thank you!

(end)

 

A KKK Story

i made this thing for a skit that we were doing in school about this subject. of course, all the juicy parts were cut out and made into a 30 sec piece in a skit that really fuckin sucked because it was cut

Characters:

mother

daughter

KKK guy

KKK guy 2

KKK guy 3

KKK guy 4

(the mom is just standing in the middle of the room staring at a wall)

(daughter comes in yelling)

daughter (yelling): mommy, mommy! i’m home from school!

mother: yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

(the mother and daughter run around the room 2 times)

mother: what did you learn today in school, daughter?!?!?!!?!?!

daughter: we learned about a time period called Reconstruction, which took place after the Civil War!

mother: oh, that’s nice!!!

daughter: YEAH!!

(daughter and mother run around the room again)

mother: whee!!!

daughter: mommy, what is the KKK?

(mother gasps and grabs daughter by the shoulders and pins her to the wall)

mother: never speak those 3 letters in this house again!

daughter: but it was only 1 letter 3 times!

mother: glah glah glah! the KKK is a very bad thing! they beat people down just because of their race, because after the Civil War, they opposed Reconstruction! They joined the Democratic party! Do you see what i mean???

daughter: yeah!

(outside, 4 KKK guys are parading on the sidewalk cheering the same thing over and over)

KKK guy: boo!

KKK guy 2: Bill Clinton forever!

KKK guy 3: whee!!

KKK guy 4: down with Reconstruction!

(inside)

mother: oh nooo!!!! they’ve come!

daughter (yelling at KKK guys): wasn’t Reconstruction over a hundred years ago?

KKK guy 4: ….OOPS! uh…BEAT HER DOWN, NOW!!!!!!!

KKK guys: gggggggglllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

(KKK guys run at daughter and daughter falls)

mother: nooo!! leave my daughter alone!

KKK guy 2: NO! we like kicking people in the head until they bleed! she hasn’t started bleeding yet, so we can’t stop!

KKK guy: this is fun!

KKK guy 3: whee!!! KICK! KICK! KICK!

(daughter screams)

daughter: ouch! stop it you meanies!

KKK guy (thinking for a few seconds): hmm…no

mother: aggghhhh!! help! help!

(mother runs around the room a couple times)

KKK guy: hey! this is getting boring, lets go to a 7 11 and beat some Pepsis and cream sodas out of guys over there!!!

KKK guys: YEAH!!!!

(KKK guys run out)

mother (going over to daughter): do you see now? They beat people up for no reason!

daughter: oh…i didn’t understand that until i got beaten…

mother: YAY! you’ve learned!

(mother and daughter run around the room screaming and laughing)

(end)