Now top stories with David…
Weather with Daveed…
Sports with Davis…
A few words with Fiddlesticks…
and The Special Guest Corner with Binky the Clown.
Now for the top stories…David: Welcome to the first annual Christmas Special of SBC News TV!! It is sure to be a holly jolly show today!
(Fiddlesticks covers his mouth)
Fiddlesticks: COUGH, yeah right, COUGH, COUGH!!!
(David looks at Fiddlesticks with a mean look)
(Fiddlesticks looks back)
David: SHUT UP!!
Fiddlesticks: OK, FINE, GAWD
Davis: What is this episode supposed to be about?
David: …I dunno…
Binky: Well, the only thing I know is that I’m interviewing Santa Clause and some other…things
David: hmm…ok…but first we have an undercover report from Dave
Binky: Dave, huh? He sorta scares me…
David: oh….well…here he is
(Dave comes up on a small TV screen next to David)
Dave: Hello, this is Dave reporting live from someplace in Wyoming….unfortunately during the Christmas season, the number of suicides increase a lot, and most of those people that commit suicide are wimps and don’t wanna face the IRS or some crap like that…but this is very strange
(Dave walks over to a body below a cliff)
Dave: as you can see…
(Dave lifts up the persons head to show the camera)
David: Oh my god! That’s Alex Trebeck!!
Fiddlesticks: REALLY??? YAAYY!!! HE WAS A BITCH!!!
Dave (muttering): Pathetic
(Dave drops the head with disgust)
Dave: there are just piles upon piles of these dead people here….mostly game show hosts…
(the camera gets a shot of all the bodies)
(there are rows and rows and piles of dead bodies)
Fiddlesticks: Holy crap
(Daveed makes a choking sound, like he’s about to throw up)
Dave: Yes, it is gross…I’m getting outta here…
(the camera turns off)
David: That was really weird….
(Binky is just staring ahead at nothing)
David: …hey Binky!
(Binky still stares at nothing)
(Daveed goes over and slaps him but has no effect)
Daveed: He must be stunned, or some junk, I ain’t a doctor, I can’t tell
David: HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THE DAMN SPECIAL GUEST CORNER THEN?????????????
Daveed: maybe all of us can do it…
(David has an evil grin on his face)
Davis: Good idea, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Daveed pushes Binky off the chair and drags his chair into the center of the room, right smack in the middle of everybody)
(Daveed goes back and sits down on his chair)
David: OK! Who’s up?
(a fat shadow appears from the door)
David (gasping): WELL!! Isn’t it Mr. Holly Jolly Himself!!
(the guy walks out of the shadows)
David: HEY! Wait a second! You’re not Santa Clause!
Fat guy: Uh, nope. Just a fat guy walking around.
(David starts getting mad)
David: eeerraaaahhh!!!! HOW DARE YOU COME INTO THIS TV STATION WITHOUT PERMISSION!!!
(David takes out a gun and shoots the fat guy)
Fat guy: OW!
(Fat guy falls down, dead, as another fat shadow appears)
David (dropping the gun and gasping): COULD IT BE???
Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Daveed (walking toward Santa Clause): Hey, Santa, how ya doin? Why don’t you take a seat in the middle of all of us where we can see your jolly little fat face.
Santa Clause: HO?
Daveed: HEY! DON’T CALL ME A HO, BOY! I’ll slap da shit outta you.
Santa Clause: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(Daveed looks strangely at Santa Clause)
Daveed: Riiiggghhhttt……now sit your flabby fat ass down over there.
(Daveed points to Binky’s chair)
(Santa Clause makes his way over to the chair and every step he takes he says ‘ho’)
Santa Clause (as he is sitting down): mmmmmm christmas!
Daveed: Well, Santa, Arthritis gettin’ to ya, old man?
Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho ho
Daveed: Um, ok. Uh…
David: Well, Santa, what do you have for ME for Christmas?
Santa Clause (laughing): Ho ho ho ho
(Santa Clause snaps his fingers and a bag appears at his feet)
(Santa Clause reaches in and takes out a neatly wrapped present for everybody and passes them out to everybody)
David: Ooh! I wonder what it is
(David rips the wrapping open and opens the box)
David: Huh? What da hell is this? It’s a Polly Prissy Pants Doll
(David is holding the doll and the head falls off)
David: …..this is used…
Daveed: I got a 3 page book….
Davis: I got a piece of paper with scribbles on it
Fiddlesticks: Heh heh…I have the best one out of ALL of you!
David: What is it?
Fiddlesticks: hee hee hee….its a porno magazine
(David drops the doll and charges for the magazine)
(so does Daveed and Davis)
David: Come on! Give me the magazine!
Fiddlesticks: No! It’s mine!
Davis: LET GO!
Daveed: YOU’RE GONNA RIP IT! GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE IT DOES!!
(the magazine is split up four ways)
David: Ah man, I got half of a stomach….
Fiddlesticks: Jeez, now look what you did to the Playgirl magazine…
(Davis drops his part of the magazine)
David: Oh my god….
(David and Daveed also drop their pieces)
Fiddlesticks: My god, you guys should be happy now….ripping up my Christmas present from Santa!
David (walking toward his chair): Yeah, whatever…
Daveed: Ok, Santa, how is the weather at the north pole?
Santa Clause: Christmas! Ho ho ho ho
Daveed: So, its always winter?
Santa Clause: Merry ho ho ho ho!
Daveed (looking at Santa weird): uh, can you say anything but merry, Christmas and ho?
Santa Clause: Ho ho ho ho!
David: Stop asking confusing questions to Santa! Let’s show him around our studio. Come on Santa!
(David leads Santa into the Director’s office)
David: This is where we used to have our Director and Producer fight each other all the time for no reason, but since they’re both dead, this room isn’t being used till we find somebody suitable for the job.
Daveed: Yeah, they used to fight over how a peanut butter and jelly sandwich should be made. Or, even how to-
David: Ok, that’s enough
Davis: When is this tour over?
David (ignoring what Davis said): And, down here…
(David leads Santa through the door to the parking lot)
David: This is our little parking lot.
Fiddlesticks: Hey, where’s my car?
Davis: I think I saw someone driving off in a pinto with a flat tire and half the paint was chipped off. Was that yours?
Davis: HA HA! That’s funny. He blew up a little ways down the road.
Fiddlesticks: oh…I hope my kitty made it to safety
Daveed: most likely, your stupid little kitty is dead
(Fiddlesticks’ kitty walks up to them)
Fiddlesticks: OH! KITTY! YOUR SAFE!
(Davis takes David’s gun and shoots the kitty as Fiddlesticks runs up to it)
(Fiddlesticks stares at his dead kitty)
Davis: SEE? NOW its dead
(Fiddlesticks drops to his knees and is still screaming)
David (looking at Fiddlesticks): Ok, let’s go to another part of the tour…
(everyone but Fiddlesticks walks away, and Fiddlesticks is still screaming and holding his kitty up in the air)
(camera goes to David and Santa Clause)
(Fiddlesticks is screaming in the background)
David: Well, this is a statue of a…um…
(David turns back to Fiddlesticks)
David (yelling): HEY SHUT DA HELL UP!
(Fiddlesticks keeps screaming)
David (pulling out his gun): Ok, that’s it….
(David shoots Fiddlesticks)
Fiddlesticks: Ah, SHIT!
David: Well, that’s better…..that is a statue….of someone….I dont know who it is though….or why it is here…um…I dont remember how this got here…or remember when it got here….it wasnt here before…So…uh, I guess we should move on then…
(the camera goes higher and higher as everybody walks to the right)
Announcer Guy: But, what David didn’t know was, that the statue of someone he didn’t know was actually an alien space pod, full of tiny creatures that aim to help a race of other aliens to rule Earth….
(the camera zooms back down to David’s face)
David: Hey, did anyone hear that?
Santa Clause: HO HO HO HO!
Daveed: Hear what?
David: Uh….never mind…let’s go back inside…there isn’t anything else out here…
(everyone gets inside except Santa Clause)
Santa Clause (waving his finger from left to right): Ho ho!
(Santa Clause snaps and he disappears)
David: WHAT??? Ah, man! I was going to ask him if he wanted to be our producer or director or something….
Daveed: Uh……I think we’ll find someone better….
Daveed: Like, uh…that dead fat guy!
Fat Guy: What? What are you talking about? I’m not dead, just taking a nap…
David: Well, your hired!
Fat Guy: For what?
David: Uhh…Producer….now your name is now Fat Producer Guy!
Fat Producer Guy: cool!
David: Now, go and wait for someone to be director, then you can fight with them. That’s your job!
Fat Producer Guy: YAY!
(Fat Producer Guy goes in the office and closes the door)
David: so…now what?
Daveed: umm…i think that there were some elves in the back waiting…
(camera goes to elves)
Master Elf (smoking a cigarette): when the fuck do we get on this fuckin show? i got some crappy ass toys to make…
Ho Elf: Oh, don’t worry…we’ll get out of this stupid place soon…even though there is air conditioning instead of heat…
Elfy: I’ve never needed to have air conditioning before…
Ellf: AIR CONDITIONING IS COOL!
(camera goes back to david and the others)
David: umm…i’m sorta scared…lets go back to the station..those elves could be….doing something…weird
Davis: What the fuck?
Davis: that statue..
Daveed: What about it?
Daveed: AW, stop fuckin lying ya stupid son of a bitch. statues can’t move. they are big ass pieces of rock.
Davis: It fuckin moved, you bastard.
David: Ok, just fuck it, let’s go.
Davis: uhh…i dont really want to…
(David just walks back into the station to find that the 4 elves they had waiting in the back were jumping around the station yelling “Air Conditioner”)
Master Elf: AIR CONDITTTIIOONNERR!!
Ho Elf: A! C!
Ellf: FFFARRTT! look at that! it dont stink!
(David is about to strangle the Master Elf because he is waving his favorite piece of cardboard around his ass)
David (running at Master Elf): MY CARDBOARD!!!
(suddenly an explosion from behind David, sends him, Davis, and Daveed and they get launched at a wall along with the elfen people)
Master Elf: WWAAHH!!!
Shistis: YESssss…..It is I…the green statue with its arm up in the air….the real reason it was up there was not for me to look god-like, but to let my B.O. torture everyone that can smell it! hahahahahahaa!!
(Shistis starts to pace)
Davis: I thought you died!
Shistis: I thought i died, too!
Davis: Then why are you alive?
Shistis: hmm….i dont know really…i think it was a present from sweet ol’ Santa Clause!!!
(Shistis reaches behind her and pulls out Santa Clause by the collar)
Santa Clause (face drooping): ho…ho…ho…
Santa Clause: ho?
Daveed (grabbing his head): NNNNYYYAARRRGGG!!!! SHUT UP! STOP SAYING HO!
Davis: I think that Santa is calling Shistis a ho…
(one of the elves fart)
(air conditioning breaks down, because of the fart)
Shistis: AARGH! What is that smell?
David (covering his nose): Its an elf fart!! RUN!!!
(everybody except the elves, shistis, and Santa Clause run out of the building just as it blows up)
Daveed: great, now we have to make ANOTHER stupid studio…
David: Hmm…maybe we should use the reserve studio…
Daveed: where is that?
David: across the street…
David: in Idaho!
David: Yes, that’s right, we’ll have to take a train all the way to Idaho…
Daveed: do we have to stay there?
David: …no..not really…we’ll just move the whole building on top of the old burned up studio…
(David takes out a walkie talkie)
David (speaking into the walkie talkie): BRING ‘ER IN CHARLIE!
David: He’s the helicopter driver…
(Charlie the Helicopter Driver comes over with a skinny rope holding onto a huge building)
Daveed: Is that our studio?
David: yeah! this one has anti-fart fluid sprayer thingys, air conditioning, heat, and…penguins!
Davis: Why the fuck do we need penguins?
David: ahh…they’re funny…
(Davis thinks about how they can be funny)
David: they walk funny and they make me laugh everytime they walk past me!
Davis (flicking his wrist at David): yeah, whatever, go right on ahead, have your stupid shitty penguins!
(David ignores the comment and turns around to the helicopter and brings the walkie talkie up to his mouth)
David: a little to the right and drop it right on our old building…
(Charlie drops the building on top of the old studio and stays on top of the old building)
David: hmm….oh well, now we have 2 floors!
(everybody goes into the studio and sits down in the middle of the room on the 1st floor)
(David takes out some pokemon cards)
David: haha! check this out! its a FUCK me UP Charizard!
Davis (pulling out his): bah! that’s nothing compared to my umm….CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE!
(Davis pulls the card out and shoves it in David’s face)
(David eats the CRAP FACE SQUIRTLE card)
Davis: HEY! I PAYED 50 BUCKS FOR THAT!!
David: and, it didn’t taste bad one bit!
Davis: grrr…..i’m gonna kill you!
(Davis and David start biting and punching each other)
(Daveed smacks his head and starts shaking his head from left to right with his eyes closed)
Daveed: my god…CUT IT! JUST CUT-