The Pump Girls Episode 2

(a title appears in gay red colors that have “fat” letters with squiggly lines in them, that says “The Pump Girls)

(The Pump Girls appear next to each other under the title, and are dancing, then stop and say “PUMP” at the same time, raising their hands)

 

Announcer: Today’s episode is…

 

Pumpin’ Toilets!

 

(The scene goes to the Pump Girls’ hospital beds, they’re in their hospital gowns)

 

KayKay: boy, that was some adventure we had last time!

 

AshAsh: I only regained conciousness three minutes ago! What happened?

 

Dr. Kevorkian: well, I don’t know how it happneed, but one of you were chopped up by a plane without your shoes, one of you passed out, one of you was smooshed, one of you had a sugar attack, the mommy manager had a concussion…and, I injected you with Rat poi-eh…never mind, wrong patients…

 

(Dr. Kevorkian walks out mumbling)

 

JoeJoe: uhh? who the hell was that?

 

FartFart: ::fart:: Our doctor? Maybe? He seemed to know a lot about us

 

(KayKay jumps out of her bed and screams)

 

KayKay: I’m not a virgin anymore!

 

(KayKay stops screaming)

 

KayKay: oh yeah, I forgot I had hot sex with Dr. Kevorkian in a tub of oatmeal…

 

(3 hours later)

 

Mommy Manager: Ok, we don’t have a car, how are we gonna get to the performance at the Starbucks?

 

AshAsh: oh no! we’ll never make it in the big time now!

 

(just then, The Pump Girls Van that Homey the Homeless Man stole, appeared at the top of the street, the front end jumping up and down)

 

Homey the Homeless Man: whee! Pump Girls!

 

(Homey stops the van right in front of them)

Pump Girls: Homey!

 

Homey: yo yo. I got some cool shit maaaan! I loaded hydraulics in this van, and I got some LSD! (LSD echoes)

 

AshAsh: LSD? What’s that?

 

Homey: uhh…it means “Losers Shootin ‘Dese”

 

FartFart: ::fart:: that doesn’t make any sense!

 

Homey: um…it doesn’t matter, its mine.

 

(Homey’s stomach rumbles)

 

Homey: aw man..maybe I should have gotten food instead of all this shit…

 

Mommy Manager: we need to go to Starbucks, can you take us there?

 

Homey: coffee! muffins! mmh..haven’t had those since the LA riots

 

(The Pump Girls and Mommy Manager go in the van, and it starts up and goes to Starbucks)

(1 hour later)

(they pull up to Starbucks and run in. Overhead shot)

(They bust open the doors, and make their way to the counter)

 

AshAsh: excuse me…

 

Count Counter Clerk: AAH! ITS THE PUMP GIRLS! I LOVE YOU!!!

 

AshAsh (blinks): umm…thank you!

 

Count Counter Clerk: have some Air Mochas on the house. Sugar free!

 

JoeJoe: yay!

 

(Count Counter Clerk places 6 cups on the counter and puts his hand over the cups, making “pshhh” sound with his mouth)

 

Count Counter Clerk: all done, there you go!

 

(Homey stares at the cups)

 

Homey: there’s nothing in there…

 

Count Counter Clerk: sure there is!

 

Homey (sniffing the cup): what then?

 

Count Counter Clerk: air! that’s what an Air Mocha is!

 

(Homey tosses all the cups down to the floor in a rageful manner)

 

Homey: I want muffins! Give me muffinnnnsss!

 

Count Counter Clerk: That’ll be $19.60

 

Homey: the hell?

 

Count Counter Clerk: well, I have to charge you an extra 10 bucks for the mess you made, those Air Mochas cost a buck each and the muffin costs $3.60

 

Mommy Manager: you said the Air Mochas were on the house!

 

Count Counter Clerk: yeah, I did

 

(Count Counter Clerk points down to a picture of a house drawn on the counter)

 

AshAsh: grr! let’s just do our show!

 

(The Pump Girls run into the bathroom with Mommy Manager. Homey is seen in the back, pulling Count Counter Clerk over the counter and beating the shit out of him as they run into the bathroom)

 

FartFart: ::fart:: we’re here!

 

Lady on Toilet: the fuck?

 

AshAsh (giggling): there’s no doors on the stalls for the toilets

 

Lady on Toilet: who the fuck are-

 

AshAsh (raises fist into the air): I’m AshAsh!

 

JoeJoe (raises fist into the air): I’m JoeJoe!

 

KayKay (raises fist into the air): I’m KayKay!

 

FartFart (raises fist into the air): ::fart:: I’m FartFart!!

 

All together (screaming): THE PUMP GIRLS!

 

(their words echo, because they screamed it, and it was in a bathroom)

(meanwhile, in the air vents)

 

Mr. Donkey: eheheh! I’m gonna blow this Starbucks up!

 

(all of a sudden the Pump Girls’ screams echoed through the vents where Mr. Donkey was, richocheting off the walls of the vents thousands of times, literally knocking Mr. Donkey unconcious, with his ears bleeding)

(anyway)

 

FartFart: ::fart:: let’s dooo it!

 

Lady on Toilet: whaha-what? I want peace and quiet. GO AWAY!

 

(The Pump Girls start to dance…horribly)

 

Lady on Toilet: no more!

 

(Lady on Toilet gets up, picking up a piece of poop from the toilet and tossing it at AshAsh)

 

AshAsh (screaming): AAAAH! I have POOP on my face!

 

(The Pump Girls stop dancing. When JoeJoe stops, she slips, slamming her head on the bathroom sink, cracking her skull)

 

FartFart: ::FART:: I’m excited!

 

(FartFart faints, and with her extreme weight, falls on Mommy Manager, smooshing her)

 

KayKay: ugh! too much sugar!

 

(KayKay hyperventilates and goes unconcious)

 

(The poop on AshAsh’s face goes into her screaming mouth. Fortunately, the poop had sugar in it, and AshAsh fell into a toilet after running around a little)

 

Lady on Toilet (blinking): good….

 

(end)

 

Umbrella Armory

(an umbrella about 13 feet long is being held by a guy in a bathing suit and he’s wearing sunglasses. He’s at the beach with his family)

 

Rocket Joe: Hey, honey! I found a good spot!

 

Rocket Jane: this is very nice

 

Rocket Jr.: yeah yeah yeah! I wanna make a sand castle!

 

Rocket Joe: we will son…we will

 

(Rocket Joe puts the umbrella flat on his shoulder and a handle pops out of it)

 

Rocke Joe: die, people!

 

Someone: eh?

 

(Rockets fly out of the umbrella, blowing people up left and right)

 

King of the Beach: We’re under attack! Arm yourselves!

 

(people with smaller umbrellas come behind the King of the Beach, and grab onto the umbrella part of the umbrella, and cock it all at the same time, like shotguns)

(King of the Beach takes an umbrella out of the ground, flips it over, and pulls out a huge sword from it)

 

King of the Beach: chaarrrgee!!!

 

(Rocket Jane and Rocket Jr. are launching more rockets, with Rocket Joe)

(people are running at them, but get blown up. King of the Beach jumps into the air, calling out something)

 

King of the Beach: The earth shatters beneath my sword! EARTH SPLIT!!

 

(King of the Beach slams his sword in the middle of the ground near the Rocket family)

(scene cuts to a guy watching TV)

 

Umbrella Master: well…that was some great programming

 

(the scene goes black and white, freezing and stuff scrolls in front of the screen)

 

After the battle of Malibu Beach, Umbrella Armory has been put under many many lawsuits. We don’t know why we’re scrolling this, we just want you to feel sorry for us so we can get the blame taken off of us.

 

(goes back to Umbrella Master)

 

Umbrella Master: Hello, I’m Umbrella Master. Here at Umbrella Armory, we sell you umbrellas modified to kill, just like the penguin in Batman has umbrellas….like that….yes….

 

(Umbrella Master dances around in a padded room)

 

Umbrella Master: buy my umbrellas, so I can get out of this looney bin! Aghhh!!

 

(end)

 

Garbage Pail Bears Episode 1

Guy: A time of war…

 

(a bear runs by the camera)

 

Guy: …a time of anarchy…

 

(the bear shoots his gun)

(screams of agony)

 

Guy: …and a time of no squeegee toys.

 

(the bear throws a grenade and ducks behind a tree)

(there is an explosion and a guy flies up into the air)

 

Guy: Get ready for…

 

Garbage Pail Bears

Garbage Pail Bears

Garbage Pail Bears

 

(there are some bears running around in a circle on a cloud. There is a big rainbow in the back. There is a cloud house on the right of the screen)

 

(inside the cloud house, the camera is focused on the door from the inside)

(the door opens and a bear comes in)

 

Spiky Bear: Sir!

 

(the camera focuses in on Bear of Clouds)

 

Bear of Clouds: yes?

 

Spiky Bear: Report about the war against the humans

 

Bear of Clouds: Is it good?

 

Spiky Bear: I’m afraid not sir, the Clouds have been scattered, and the heat has risen

 

Bear of Clouds: has there been an attempt to regroup?

 

Spiky Bear: No, sir. When I said scattered…I meant spread out across the world. The nearest bears that are next to each other are about 2 miles away. Some are up to 20.

 

Bear of Clouds (leaning back in his chair): My God. Make them all come back to the main Cloud base.

 

Spiky Bear: Yessir right away sir. Can I ask you something sir?

 

Bear of Clouds: yeah sure, whatever.

 

Spiky Bear: are you gay?

 

Bear of Clouds: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

(scene cuts to a line of bears, lined up)

(Bear of Clouds is walking in front of them, with one of those whips that generals have)

 

Bear of Clouds: ooh……sexy…..

 

(Bear of Clouds touches one of the bears on the shoulders, and whacks him in the leg with the whip)

 

Stupid Bear: SIR! Please, don’t whip me. Not here anyway.

 

(Stupid Bear winks)

 

Bear of Clouds: oh I’m sorry………………

 

(Bear of Clouds winks too)

(Soldier Bear flies in on his cloud)

 

Soldier Bear: I came back from the front!

 

Bear of Clouds: status report

 

Soldier Bear: wweeellllllll………..

 

Bear of Clouds: drop to your knees, close your eyes, open your mouth and be quiet

 

(scene cuts to a bear sitting at a desk)

 

Writer Bear: ….hmm….that was gay….why would I write something like that?

 

(Guy, the announcer, bursts in through the door)

 

Guy: Cuz Ya ARRREEEEEEEEEEEEE (gay that is)!!

 

Writer Bear: get outtaaa heeeeaaa!

 

(Writer Bear picks up his lamp and throws it at Guy)

 

Guy: uh oh.

 

(Guy gets knocked out)

(as soon as he falls, Storm Troopers burst in and shoot everything, killing Writer Bear)

 

Storm Trooper: STORM TROOPAS ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOLLLLL!

 

(end)

 

Bathroom Sniff

Announcer: did you ever take a big crap, and can’t seem to get the smell of your crap out of your bathroom?

 

(there’s a guy’s face that looks disgusted as green gas goes in front of his face and he tries to fan it away with his hand)

 

Announcer: take back your bathroom! Make your bathroom smell like a bathroom again, with Bathroom Sniff!

 

(the guy’s face starts smiling, as an aerosol can sprays white gas into the green and makes it go away)

 

(the guy’s face starts smiling, as an aerosol can sprays white gas into the green and makes it go away)

 

Announcer: isn’t that fantastic?

 

Guy: thanks Bathroom Sniff! Now my bathroom smells like a bathroom again! And with the great, informative labels on the can, I’ll know that I’ll inhale CFCs which deplete the O-Zone Layer, and I’ll know that my life span will be cut shorter and shorter with each use!

 

(a big smile as the camera focuses in on his face)

 

Announcer: yes, that’s right. An unfortunate side effect, but where’s the PROOF? Show me some proof! CFCs are good for you! You suckers! You’ll all sniff anything I tell you to! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Comes in different smells, including Regular Bathroom, Apartment Bathroom, Hotel Bathroom, and Porta-Potty. Bathroom Sniff is not liable for how its consumers use its products, and if someone dies of regular non-abusive use of this product, don’t call us, we don’t care.

 

(end)

 

Fur-Assic Park

(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

(Old Grandpa is rocking in his chair, and has had enough of watching Fred and Alyssa beat on each other)

Old Grandpa: Hey! You two brats stop fighting! I’ll tell you another story if you stop fighting!

Alyssa: Shut up, you old geezer!

Fred: Yeah! We don’t wanna hear any of your stupid stories. That Anne Frank story didn’t even make sense!

(Old Grandpa gets up and whacks both of them with his cane in one swipe)

Old Grandpa: YOU STUPID KIDS! THAT STORY MADE SENSE! YOU TWO DUMBASSES ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THE PURE, GENUINE….stuff in that story!

(Old Grandpa sits back down)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you a story that will REALLY get you interested! And you’ll be able to relate to the story in many many ways! Its about dinosaurs-

Alyssa: Yay! Dinosaurs! I love dinosaurs!

(Old Grandpa pokes Alyssa in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: not just any ol’ dinosaurs! These were dinosaurs with…furry asses!

Fred (with a dumb look on her face): whaauuuu…?

Old Grandpa: Don’t believe any of that hu-bub about dinosaurs! I’ll tell you the TRUTH about them!

Fred: because you lived among them?

(Old Grandpa threatens to swing at Fred, but puts his cane down)

Old Grandpa: yes, actually I was…! …I OWNED Fur-assic Park!

Alyssa: WHOOOAAAAA!!!! REALLY, GRANDPA!?

(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the face)

Old Grandpa: DONT SPEAK OUTTA TURN, BOY!

(Old Grandpa leans back into his chair rubbing his chin)

Old Grandpa: well, it all happened like this….

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and the scene changes to a dinosaur in labor, pooping out eggs)

(the dinosaur squeals have been translated to normal English, because I’m the author)

Dinosaur Mama: YOU BASTARD! I TOLD YOU TO USE A CONDOM! NOW LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOW! YOU BASTARD! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOUUU DID THIS TO ME!!!!

(Dinosaur Mama takes a swipe at Dinosaur Dada and misses)

Dinosaur Dada: I’m sorry hunney! Condoms weren’t invented yet!

Dinosaur Mama: DONT GIVE ME THAT “CONDOMS WEREN’T INVETED YET” MAMMAL SHIT! YOU’VE SEEN ALL THE OTHER-

(scene is interrupted and goes to Fred’s disgusted face)

Fred: NOT AGAIN! GRANDPA!

(Old Grandpa frowns)

Old Grandpa: all right all right! Basically, that’s how dinosaurs gave birth…”back then.” But then, some clatyclismic thingy happened, and they all died. THE BIRTH OF YOU TWO!

(Old Grandpa swipes at both of them with his cane, and they both get whacked in their faces)

Mom: You know that’s not right! Grandpa, tell the REAL story! They didn’t die because they were born! It was because YOU were born!

Old Grandpa (pointing the cane at Mom): Don’t give me that, Mom!

Mom: Oh no? Tell the real story, or I’ll kick you in your semen maker machine!

Old Grandpa: OH NO! Anything but the semen maker machine! Ever since my real, God-given machine stopped working, that’s been my lifeline!

(Mom gets closer to the black package that is by Old Grandpa on the floor)

Old Grandpa: OK OK OK!!! Fine, I’ll tell the REAL story…

(squiggly lines go again and the scene switches to night, with a cage overhead)

(a guy with a shotgun loaded with lollipops is staring at the cage as it comes down off the crane)

Security Guard 1: So, this is it?

Security Guard 2: Yes, it is…

Security Guard 3: LETS POKE AT IT!

(Security Guard 3 takes a cattle rod and starts poking at the thing inside of the cage)

(the thing inside turns around, and fur comes out of the bars)

Security Guard 2: OH NO! ITS TRYING TO ESCAPE! EVERYONE POKE AT IT AND MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS CORNERED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAGE!

(15 more security guards come along with cattle rods and start shocking it as well)

Security Guard 14: DIEE!!

(The thing inside doesnt move, and farts out green smoke, enveloping 9 security guards in its gaseous gas)

Security Guard 12: Oh my god! It smells…so bad!

(Another second passed, and the green smoke started to come back in the way it came, taking the security guards with it)

(Crocodile Dundee appears out of nowhere)

(the scene goes right back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: In case you don’t know what Crocodile Dundee is doing here, he’s the Park Warden, that I hired! I saw Crocodile Dundee goes to Los Angeles, and I just HAD to hire him for the job! He knows how to rassle a gator! ….I think…

(the scene goes back to Crocodile Dundee, and he runs to one of the Security Guards, holding him from being sucked in with the gas)

Crocodile Dundee: G’day! HOLD ON!!!

Security Guard 4: I CANT HOLD ON! ITS TOO STRONG! AHHHHH!!!!!! TELL MY KIDS THAT I LOVE THEM!

(Security Guard 12 flies past Security Guard 4 as he said that)

Security Guard 12: YOU DONT HAVE KIDS! AHHHH!!!

(Security Guard 12 disappears with a crunch)

Security Guard 4: Oh yeah…DONT LET GO!!! AHHH!!!

(Crocodile Dundee loses his grip, and Security Guard 4 disappears)

(Security Guard 4’s cattle rod falls to the ground by the cage, and the camera pans into it, zooming onto it, not going away, and stays there)

Old Grandpa: That was a sad day. I lost a few good men that day…NOT THAT I REALLY CARE! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! I DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY THEM! AND NO ONE SUED ME BECAUSE I WAS IN A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

(Old Grandpa laughs maniacally as the camera freezes on the cattle rod)

Old Grandpa: I’m such a bastard, aren’t I? Anywho, the next day….

(Crocodile Dundee is walking along)

Crocodile Dundee: La la la la……..I’m Crocodile Dundee. G’day mate!

(Younger Old Grandpa walks over to him, but he’s still pretty fuckin’ old)

Younger Old Grandpa: What the hell are you doin’! you’re supposed to be workin’, ya goddam Aussie! Yer lucky I hired you, or you’d be in your 10 dollar home in Australia saying “g’day mate, might I have a role in your movie so I can earn a living” all day!

(Crocodile Dundee gives him a thumbs up)

Younger Old Grandpa: Glad you understand!

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: what I didn’t know then, was that a thumbs up in Australia means “up yours!” THE NERVE OF THAT BASTARD! He’s piss poor, and he flicks me off…If he were still alive I’d kill him! Well, anyway, I invited 2 archaeologists, an actor, and some lawyer guy, along with my two, (very sarcastic, looking at Mom) LOVING……ADORING CHILDREN!

Mom: Its not my fault.

Fred: Your fault for what mommy?

Mom: your births…….just listen…

Old Grandpa: I also had 2 really really dumbass programmer guys running the whole fuggin park from the inside. They were Samuel L. Jackson and Jerry Seinfeld. Boy, I tell you. I really know how to pick’em…

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and go to Jerry Seinfeld’s face)

Jerry Seinfeld: hey sammy! sammy sammy sammmmmyyy

Samuel L. Jackson: what do you want?

Jerry Seinfeld: what do you get when you cross an elphant with a cocaine addict? A big snorter! Ahahaha

Samuel L. Jackson: what the hell you talkin ’bout, boy!? Are you dissin’ my MAMA?

Jerry Seinfeld: Why, I never heard of such accusations! except the time I was screwin’ yer mom up the ass last night! booya! I did your mom, how do you like THAT!

Samuel L. Jackson: that’s it! See hwo you like this!

(Samuel hits the enter key)

Jerry Seinfeld: what are you do–HEY! My Solitaire game! You stupid fuck! I’ll get you for this!

Samuel L. Jackson: yeah, what are you gonna do? Lock us out of the system, turn off all the power to the park and make us reset the whole thing while lots of people die in the process, including me?

Jerry Seinfeld: I was just gonna hire a clown to harass you, but that’s a pretty good idea. Let me tell you something. I eat chicken strips, but clowns these days are expensive.

(Crocodile Dundee comes in)

Crocodile Dundee: shut the hell up, the lot of you. Or I’ll G’day your asses all night.

Old Grandpa: What a lot of dumbasses. No wonder my theme park failed. Wsell, eventually, my guests wanted to know how everything in the park worked, so I put them into my tour…

(squiggly lines distort the scene again)

(Younger Grandpa steps before a big screen and on the screen, he comes out)

Younger Grandpa: why, hellooooo Grandpa!

Younger Grandpa on Screen: hello there!

Younger Grandpa: could I have a prick of your blood?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: shore! why not!?

(Younger Grandpa pricks the Grandpa on screen’s “finger” and then 2 more Younger Grandpa on Screens come out)

Younger Grandpa on Screen: oh! hello there!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 3: oh hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hoowww did you do it?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: I’ll tell you!

(Mr. Dna comes out of Younger Grandpa on Screen’s finger)

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: oh! Mr. DNA! how are you?

Mr. DNA: YOU STUPID FUCK! I WAS FINE UNTIL YOU FUCKED ME UP! YOU STUPID GENETIC-ALTERING BASTARD! YOU SCREWED GOD UP THE ASS WHEN YOU STARTED FUCKING WITH ME! BIIIIIITTTCHHHAAAAA! FUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!

Younger Grandpa on Screen: how about you tell us what we did to you?

Mr. DNA: fine, you FUCK. What they did to me was take the DNA of a dinosaur and filled the holes with the DNA of a hairy hairy hairy Armenian! That’s where all the dinosaurs get all the hair from. Should have though that through, don’t you think?

Younger Grandpa: hmm….yes….

(goes back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: Mr. DNA sure had a point. well, Mom and Mom’s Brother were walking along the T-Rex cage when Mom’s Brother decided to poke at him with a stick…

(the scene goes to an annoying looking kid poking the T-Rex in the leg with a long stick)

Mom’s Brother: ahhaha stupid T-Rex! Hahahah

(The T-Rex reaches over the cage and chomps him up in one bite)


Alternative scene for the T-Rex scene:Mom’s Brother: I wanna see the Fur-Rex!

Crocodile Dundee: fine, you stupid wanker. Everyone get into these trucks.

(the trucks go to the Fur-Rex pen)

(the Fur-Rex is lounging on a couch, drinking beer, watching football)

Mom’s Brother: Oh WOWWW! Its the Fur-Rex!!!

(the Fur-Rex looks over to Mom’s Brother for a second)

Mom’s Brother: ohhhhh my GOD! Its sooooooo coooool!

Fur-Rex: hey, kid. Shut the hell up.

Mom’s Brother: AHHHHHHH!

Fur-Rex: you stupid fuck! I’m watching the Rams getting the crap beaten out of them by the Vikings!

Mom’s Brother: whoooooo!

Fur-Rex: RAAARHH!

(The Fur-Rex charges the 10,000 voltage fence, and the scene switches to Jerry Seinfeld, just as he turns the power off)

Jerry Seinfeld: hehe! let me tell yo usomething. When I want to turn her off. I can REALLY turn her off. Ahahahaaha!

(a guy with a bass appears and starts playing the Seinfeld theme song as Jerry Seinfeld, with shaving cream in each hand runs around spraying it all around)

(scene goes back to Fur-Rex and the Fur-Rex breaks through the gate, roaring)

Fur-Rex: NOW you’re gonna get it, kid!

Mom’s Brother: ………………………………..HOLY SHIT!

(the kid runs out of the jeep and the T-Rex eats him)

Fur-Rex: HAAAAAA! Wait a sec…my TV isn’t working! This stupid Ford Explorer is the problem!

(the camera zooms in on “Fur-Assic Park” on the door, and then the Fur-Rex kicks it off a cliff that somehow wasn’t there before)

Fur-Rex: Nyah!


Old Grandpa (rubbing his chin, and talking sarcastically): I still can’t figure out where he learned how to do that…because I taught him to eat both of them up……..anyway that dumb annoying lawyer guy was taking a crap in the Stegosaurus’s bathroom, and the Stegos got pretty friggin’ mad and ate him.Old Grandpa: I told Crocodile Dundee he could go shoot any dinosaurs he wanted if the power was shut off by a rogue employee, because the dinosaurs were probably gonna kill us before we could blow our noses….or just everyone else, because I was going to get on a helicopter right away, and he chose to go kill the raptors, I guess.

(scene goes to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: shit. The powers out. That means the raptors are outside of their cages.

(scene goes to the Raptors, 4 of them, playing cards)

Betty Raptor: got any 3s?

Veronica Raptor: go fish

(scene switches back to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: …time to hunt them.

(Crocodile Dundee takes out his ankle dagger, puts it in his mouth, holding it wwith his teeth, and takes a shotgun out of the closet and loads it)

(scene switches back to the Raptors)

Christina Raptor: go fish

Meany Raptor: god dammit! fuck you and your go fishing!

(Meany has half the deck and no cards on the table. She takes another one)

(all of a sudden Crocodile Dundee jumps out of nowhere onto the table, taking his knife out of his mouth)

Betty: what the hell?

Crocodile Dundee: time to die, WANKERS! I’m gonna G’DAY ya ALL!

Meany Raptor: Get him! He ruined our Poker game!

Veronica Raptor: I thought it was bridge!

Christina Raptor: I thought it was roulette

Betty: ummm…it was all his fault!

(the raptors charge Crocodile Dundee)

(the tree focuses on a tree past the scene)

Later On

 

(Crocodile Dundee is strapped to the table)

 

Crocodile Dundee: what are you gonna do with me wankers?

 

Meany: well, we decided that we’re gonna make you get us pregnant

 

(camera zooms in on Crocodile Dundee)

 

Crocodile Dundee: oh shit

 

Meany Raptor: and we have a 10% chance to actually get pregnant. Maybe less since you’re a stupid dumbass. That means, you’re gonna have to do each of us 10 times at least, which equals 40 times total…at least…

 

(Crocodile Dundee has his mouth gaping open)

(scene goes to the actor walking around with his hands in his back pockets)

Old Grandpa: As well as for that actor…….he lives, because he’s………..in the sequel……….but he doesn’t get off Scott-free!

Jeff Goldblum: hum dee dum dee dum! I’m Jeff Goldblum, and *I* suck.

(raptors come out of nowhere)

Jeff Goldblum: RAPTORS!

(the raptors take out his legs then run away, singing a Britney Spears song)

Jeff Goldblum: MY LEGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Old Grandpa: that’ll teach him to bring his fancy shmancy acting around MY parks! By the way, there was this one stupid stupid fat bastard that tried to steal my dinosaurs!

(scene goes to Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: dehe-hehheh…..i’m-a-gonna-steal-these’ms………

Old Grandpa: that stupid fat bastard! Never trust an actor that used to be on Seinfeld!

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: Yeeehaw!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld steals embryos and puts them in a shaving cream can)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: WHEEEEEEEE!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld gets into a jeep and runs into a jungle gym)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: crap I lost my glasses!

(a lizard comes out from a tree)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: awww, lookit the cute little kitty…

(the lizard sprays black acid into his face)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: AHHH! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

(the scene cuts to Old Grandpa, and he’s laughing like crazy, evily)

Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! That’ll teach him to mess with Old Grandpa! Now I don’t remember what happened to Samuel L. Jackson…but I think he did a few things…hmm

(scene cuts to a Fur-Rex having sex with another Fur-Rex)

Fur-Rex: oh ya! oh yeah!

Fur-Rex 2: mmh! I love it! give me more

Samuel L. Jackson: Dinosaur sex sure is nasty

(Samuel L. Jackson takes a sip of a drink)

Samuel L. Jackson: but I surrreee do like it!

(Samuel L. Jackson smiles)

Old Grandpa: after Jerry Seinfeld sabotaged everything, I suppose he was driving kind of dangerously through the jungle or something.

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld driving a jeep dangerously going every whichway he feels like. Jerry is throwing shaving cream out everywhere)

Daddy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: what the hell is that guy doing? He’s putting all this shaving cream on my lawn. I know I need some, but this is ridiculous. Stupid kid. I’M NOT THAT HAIRY!

Mommy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: get him Urv!

Urv: oh alright

(Jerry Seinfeld is driving maniacally now)

Jerry Seinfeld: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Urv jumps onto the hood)

Jerry Seinfeld: shit!

Urv: you bastard! you’ve gone too far!

(Urv crashes through the window and spits at Jerry Seinfeld)

Urv: patooey patooey!

Jerry Seinfeld: ewwwwwwwwww! ……………….it burns!

Urv: yeah, just wait till I whip out my wang!

(an unzipping sound is heard, as the camera gets a shot of the car zooming past a turn)

(and a crashing sound is heard)

(scene cuts going back to Urv’s wife Natasha, and Urv walks up to her)

Urv: hey Natasha, look what I found!

Natasha: what is it?

Urv: its a goozak dildo. I found it in my pants when I was beating that guy

Natasha: alright! now we can have sex and have babies.

Urv: it sucks when you’re the man of the house and you’re female. I don’t have no dong thing to do you with

(Natasha pats him on the shoulder)

Natasha: its ok, we have the goozak now. Strap it on.

(scene cuts to Natasha getting ass rammed by Urv. They have their skin that was around their neck up, and they’re both hissing like crazy. You couldn’t see it before, but under that skin stuff, there was a lot of hair, so they have really hairy necks….yeah…)

(a piece of poop is focused on, as little chicken-sized dinosaurs jump out from behind a pile of furry crap)

Old Grandpa: there were these little dinosaurs I taught to talk like college professors……..at least with their accents…

(the dinosaurs have English college professor accents)

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 1: Have you eaten your helping of crap yet, my dear good chum?

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 2: No, I haven’t chap, but I’m sure Denny has already spilled his dish over to mine…

(both of them look over to Denny)

Denny: what? Its not my fault they named an all-american food restaurant chain after me. Bah!

(the dinosaurs went back to eating their crap)

Old Grandpa: ah yes, it was fun talking with those guys, all they ever did was smoke and eat poop…….

Fred: I do that too!

Alyssa: me too!

(Old Grandpa raises an eyebrow at them)

Old Grandpa: what in tarnation? Anyway…..the scientists or achaeologists or whatever they are, were so smart they were stupid…

(scene cuts to the archaelogists)

Archaeologist 1: I found some eggs! They’re mating! OMG OMG OMG!

Furrasaur: hey! put down my breakfast, fag!

(Furrasaur swings his tail at Archaeologist and he flies away)

(later on, the archaelogists are back together or whatever…)

Archaeologist 1: ooh, look at this bone, its so old I think it may be well over 10 years old. Don’t you say?

Archaeologist 2: hmm, yes, but I do say that it does look like it was here before we were ever born

(both of them chuckle)

Old Grandpa: I don’t even know their names…

Archaeologist 1: why, what’s that over here?

(Archaeologist 1 climbs up onto a furry rock)

Archaeologist 2: I don’t know……try jumping up and down on it.

(Archaeologist 1 jumps up and down, up and down, anddddddddddddddddddd falls into the middle of it)

Archaeologist 1: well, I do say…I have been swallowed up by a dinosaur’s auss!

Archaeologist 2: might I have a look-see?

(Younger Old Grandpa pops out of nowhere)

Younger Old Grandpa: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

(Younger Old Grandpa shoves Archaeologist 2 into the Fur-Rex’s ass as well)

Old Grandpa: what might have happened to Jerry Seinfeld, you might ask?

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld with black stuff all around in his jeep)

Jerry Seinfeld: I’ve been spat on before, but nothing like this! And I thought my “routine” was bad because everyone in the room spat on me, but this is a real killer!

(Jerry falls onto the ground, looking around)

Jerry Seinfeld: where’s Samuel when you need him…?

(scene switches to Samuel L. Jackson riding a goat around the park)

Samuel L. Jackson: boy, isn’t this fun

(Ben Affleck on his goat, runs into Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson’s goat dies)

Samuel L. Jackson: HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’!

Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: HEY

Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: you fuck! you better give me a ride!

(Ben Affleck gets back onto his goat)

Ben Affleck: better luck next time!

Samuel L. Jackson: oh no you don’t!

(Samuel L. Jackson takes out a lightsaber and jumps into the air, slicing off the goat’s legs)

Ben Affleck: no! what’d you do! I have somewhere to go!

Samuel L. Jackson: you said better luck next time! Now I’m gonna take off each of your lims one….by….one……with my lightsaber

(Ben Affleck’s eyes widen as the lightsaber gets nearer to his face)

(meanwhile, the Ice Cream Man is waiting for Ben Affleck)

Ice Cream Man: hmm…well it looks like he’s not coming today

(the Ice Cream Man pushes away his cart, and gets into the ice cream truck and starts driving away into the jungle)

Fur-Rex: I smell ice cream!!

(the Fur-Rex jumps out of a tree and starts chasing the truck down the long path)

Fur-Rex: ICE CREAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!

(Ice Cream Man looks back)

Ice Cream Man (screaming like a girl): AIYEEEEE!!

(Ice Cream Man floors the gas pedal, but still doesn’t go that fast)

Fur-Rex: hey! where are you going?

(inside the truck)

Ice Cream Man: this’ll fend him off!

(Ice Cream Man plays the Ice Cream Man music)

Ice Cream Man: ahahahaa! DIE!

(but then more Fur-Rexs come out and start chasing him)

Ice Cream Man: ah crap

(later on, a few Fur-Rexs are sitting against the ice cream truck with chocolate all over their mouths, one has white stuff all over its mouth)

Fur-Rex: I thought there was only chocolate ice cream in the ice cream truck

Fur-Rex 3: well, the Ice Cream Man was white

Fur-Rex 2: you ate the ice cream man?

Fur-Rex 3: not exactly…

(the Ice Cream Man stumbles out of the truck with his pants at his ankles)

Ice Cream Man: what the HELL just happened?

(the other 2 Fur-Rexs look at Fur-Rex 3 with a weird look on their faces)

Fur-Rex 3: what? what’d I do?

Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA……….hahahaha………….well that’s the story

Fred: but what happened to mom and the archaeologist and the actor?

Alyssa: yeah yeah what happened?!

Old Grandpa: Mom got pregnant and brought the worlds destruction upon us……(sarcastic now) THANK YOU MOM………the actor’s legs got better, hates Britney Spears, and is in the sequel to this movie, and the archaeologist were digested and thrown up through the mouth, eaten again, then pooped out, where they were eaten again by the English college professor accented chicken sized dinosaurs and then crapped out again, in which they were eaten by bacteria…I don’t know what happened then, because it was 24 years since then, and now I’m here telling a story to some stupid children…time for bed!

(Old Grandpa knocks them out again)

(end)

 

Salt Water Slushy Co.

(a man is at a slushy machine, and uses it to get this white, soapy looking slush into a big cup)

 

Joe Slush: mmmh….a nice big helping of a salt water slushy….oh hello, my name is Joe Slush and I’m paid by Salt Water Slushy Co. to bash the Icee Corporation and tell you how good salt water slushies are. You may say “salt water? That’s for the fishes!” But you are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong! Wrong how America is to the people that hate it, wrong how MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME! I KNOW YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME MARY, YOU STUPID BITCH I’M GONNA KILL YO UBY HANGING YOUR DANGLING BODY OVER JAGGED ROCKS AND DROPPING YOU TO YOUR DEATH, YOU BITCH BITCH BITCH-

 

(technical difficulties screen displays)

(after a few seconds it goes back to Joe Slush)

 

Joe Slush: ok, I’m sorry, I got outta hand a bit, but I’m calmed down….I’M GONNA SLAY YOU LIKE A WILDABEAST –

 

(technical difficulties flashes again)

 

Joe Slush: ok, seriously now. Salt Water Slushies are very good, when you get past the extremely salty-ness of each flavor, including strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, …and THE BLOOD OF MY WIFE, MARY! DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU GET A LITTLE PIECE OF INTESTINE OR FLESH! BECAUSE I’M GOING TO PUREE HER, AND PUT HER IN YOUR SALT WATER SLUSHIES!

 

Security Guard (off screen): that’s it, suckah! I told you 3 times, now you gonna get it!

 

(Security Guard runs Joe Slush in with a battering ram, and Joe flies into the background, and slams on the floor)

(Security Guard drops the battering ram, and takes out a nightstick, jumping into the air and you can hear some thud sounds)

(technical difficulties…….again)

 

(end)

 

Anne Frank: Not Remembered Too Well

(scene fades in with an old grandpa sitting on a comfy chair)

(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

Old Grandpa: Now, now, Fred, Alyssa! Be nice! I’m trying to dream about me and what Viagra does to me!

(Fred and Alyssa stop beating each other up, and look at the old grandpa)

Fred: Shut up, you old geezer!

Alyssa: yeah! or I’ll change my name to Jessica!

(no one says anything for 10 seconds)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you spoiled brats a story, if you shut your damn traps!

Fred: What’s it about?

Old Grandpa: If you sit your skinny little boney asses down in front of me, I’ll tell it to you!

(Fred and Alyssa sit down in front of Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa (starting to rock back and forth in the chair): now then….which story to tell…

Fred: That’s not a rocking chair grandpa…

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred in the head with his cane)

Old Grandpa: I’M ROCKING IN THE DAMN CHAIR, WHICH MEANS THIS IS A ROCKING CHAIR! YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY OR NOT!?

Fred (rubbing her head): sorry grandpa…

Old Grandpa: ok…have you heard the story of Anne Frank?

Alyssa (shrugging and has a weird look on his face): Anne Frank? Frank as in hot dog?

(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the ribs, and Alyssa rubs his ribs)

Old Grandpa: Frank is not a hot dog. Frank is Anne’s last name. Let’s see now…where to begin. I guess the beginning is good….

(the scene is distorted as Old Grandpa, Fred, and Alyssa disappear, being replaced by a scene in a hospital, with Anne’s mother screaming, and Anne’s father holding her hand)

Mr. Frank: BREATHE! BREATHE!

Mrs. Frank: YOU BASTARD! I CANT BELIEVE YOU GOT ME PREGNANT! DIDNT I TELL YOU TO USE A CONDOM?! DIDNT I!? DIDNT IIIIII?!?! I CANT BELIEVE-

(the scene cuts back to Fred’s face)

Fred: ewwww! Don’t talk about that, grandpa! That’s really nasty!

(Old Grandpa, poke’s Fred in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: eh! WHO’S TELLING THE STORY HERE? Fine, I guess you kids are too young for that part anyway…

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin)

Old Grandpa: now…Anne was in her house with her parents. And she was smack dab in the middle of a World War. I forget which one, since they were both alike. They were against the Nazis. We won. But I’m getting ahead of myself

(the scene wiggles around, going to Anne)

Old Grandpa: Anne loved to read, and write. Too bad she didn’t know how to do either!

(Anne was taking a pencil and scribbling stuff down into her secret diary)

Old Grandpa: She had her own secret diary. Full of little things that she copied from other books. Since she couldn’t read or anything like that, she had trace the words into her diary, and one by one, she tossed them all in a sentence, writing it down on a piece of paper, and made it sound like crap, even though she didnt know what she was saying.

(the camera angle goes down, so you can see Anne’s secret diary)

Old Grandpa: On the secret diary, were such nonsense sentences such as, “The kitty rolled down the hill, then Jack climbed a bean stalk.” As you can see, Anne was a retard when it came to reading and writing. Don’t ask her to go to school, because she has no legs either-

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa and the kids)

(the camera pans up, looking at Fred and Alyssa’s mom)

Mom: Grandpa, that’s not how the story goes. Anne had legs!

Old Grandpa: baaa! Fine…she really did have legs…but they were actually made of big green globs of-

Mom: Grandpa…….

Old Grandpa: OK OK…fine…she had regular legs. And pretty nice ones-

Mom: GRANDPA!

Old Grandpa: CANT I DREAM OF A LITTLE 14 YEAR OLD GIRL IN MY LAP?!?

Mom: Grandpa, tell the story right!

Old Grandpa: ok ok ok ok! Did I mention Anne was flat-chested?

Mom: Grandpa, if you do that one more time, no more applesauce for you–EVER!

Old Grandpa: no more applesauce? You cruel cruel daughter.

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin again)

Old Grandpa: Anyway…

(squiggly lines again, and it goes back to Anne writing stuff in her book)

Old Grandpa: Anne DID have legs…but she didnt know how to use them, since she was chained up in a box all day. Except when they sent her outside, because they didn’t want to feed her. As you can tell, they didn’t like Anne very much. But the main reason they couldn’t feed her was because they were piss broke. And their main source of money was renting out their older daughter out to weird people, and use her however they pleased….

(you hear Old Grandpa licking his lips)

Old Grandpa: anyway…umm…her father was a hobo, and a pretty damn good one at that! He got at least 5 dollars where ever he went. And his mom didn’t work because all she does is stay home and clean their house. Now, you see how lucky you guys are to be living in this time period where it was actually better. Anyway…Anne was sent outside of her room one day…

(the camera is outside looking at the house from outside. The door opens, and Mr. Frank throws Anne outside the door)

Mr. Frank: –and don’t come back until you get a penny!

Anne (rolling on the ground): Okay dada!

Mr. Frank: STOP CALLING ME DADA!

(Mr. Frank slams the door closed, and the camera pans around Anne, looking in front of her. People are going around sticking each other in car exhaust pipes, and eating car bumpers. Its not a very pretty scene…)

(a crippled girl on stilts makes her way to Anne)

Cripple Girl: hey Anne. How are you?

Anne: I’m fine. How about you?

Cripple Girl (putting her hands on her hips): oh, I’m just crippled as usual!

(Anne and the Cripple Girl start laughing for no apparent reason, Anne is rolling around on the ground because it is “so funny” to her)

Ballerina Man: HELLO! I’M A BALLERINA!

(Ballerina Man jumps around from roof to roof across the street)

The Punisher: I HATE ballerinas!

(The Punisher takes out a shotgun, aiming it at the ballerina man, and shoots out 300 shells, as the ballerina man is jumping around)

Ballerina Man: HAHA! You missed me!

(Ballerina Man jumps again, and twists his knee when he lands, falling onto a clothesline, unraveling off of where it was hanging, wrapping around his neck 3 times, choking him to death, as he fell to the ground, breaking his back, “opening up a can of spinal fluid” when he landed, lynched)

The Punisher: nasty.

Old Grandpa: annnnyyway….back to Anne. Anne and the Cripple Girl were great friends. That was, until the Germans made all the Jewish people put yellow stars on their clothes. Cripple Girl didn’t like yellow, and it was sooooooooo last year’s color. Cripple Girl never talked to Anne again….partly because she was attacked by a Siberian tiger that broke her neck by falling out of the sky. Don’t ask why it was raining tigers that day.

(Anne runs up to Mr. Frank, tugging on his shirt sleeve)

Anne: Dada dada! Can I have a new shirt?

(Mr. Frank backhands Anne)

Mr. Frank: NO! You know the rules! Only one shirt for each member of the family! We can’t spend money on CLOTHES…puh!

(Mr. Frank scratches his balls, turning away from Anne)

Mr. Frank (talking to Mrs. Frank): I ran out of ridiculously expensive Winnie the Pooh merchandise that cost more than clothes. I’m going to go buy some more.

Old Grandpa: as you can see, from that, Mr. Frank wasn’t a very good accountant, or knew very well how to manage his money for that matter. He was a complete dumbass.

(Anne is walking out of her house)

Anne: no money, no clothes……what am I living for? I’m a girl for Christ’s sake!

(an army of Nazi soldiers marching through the town)

Nazi Soldiers (chanting, as they are marching): NAZI-NAZI-NAZI-NAZI

(Anne frowns at them)

Anne: I don’t like Nazis, they make me wear last years color!

(Anne picks up a rock and throws it at the commander……………which happens to be Hitler…)

Hitler: UF! (curses in German)

Cripple Girl (walks by Anne): oooh! You really did it now! He’s gonna genocide your asses now! teeheeeheehee!

(Cripple Girl runs away laughing, but is tackled by an uninflated tire, falling down and cracking her skull in half)

Anne: uh oh!

(Anne runs back into the house)

Anne: dada dada dada! I threw a rock at Hitler!

Mr. Frank: You stupid bitch! He’s gonna send us into concentration camps now!

(Mr. Frank beats Anne)

Mrs. Frank: how could I raise such a stupid bitch? Now we’re gonna be slaves for the rest of our lives and never see each other again!

(Mrs. Frank beats on Anne too)

Anne’s Older Sister: yay! We’re never gonna see each other again!

Mr. Frank (growling at Anne’s Older Sister): shouldn’t you be WORKING or something!?

Anne’s Older Sister: yes, sir……

(Hulk Hogan knocks on the door)

Hulk Hogan: OFFICE DEPOT! COME OUT WITH YOUR WINNIE THE POOH MERCHANDISE, OR WE’LL BLOW SHIT UP!

Mr. Frank: SHIT! ITS THE OFFICE DEPOT!

(cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: It was the Gestapo, Grandpa…or the Green Police, that went around getting Jews and junk! You know that!

Grandpa (rubbing his chin): oh yeah……silly me (rolls his eyes)

(back to the front door of Anne’s house, outside)

Hulk Hogan: looks like I’m gonna have to use my…guns….

(Hulk Hogan nods as he pulls his sleeves up, flexing his arms)

Green Police Man 1: Oh yeah, Hulk Hogan is the man!

Hulk Hogan: ain’t I?

(Hulk Hogan punches through the door)

Hulk Hogan: BOOOMMMMMMM!!!

Mr. Frank: RUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But leave Anne here.

(everyone except Anne runs upstairs, jumps through the windows or into the sink)

Dr. Dentist: AYE AYE!

(Green Police Man 2 shoots Dr. Dentist with his gun)

Green Poilce Man 2: stupid idiot…

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Anne! I love you!

(Green Police Man 3 takes a lit menorah and lights him up)

(Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy does a “Home Alone scream” as he burns)

(other miscellaneous people all of a sudden run around the house)

Green Police Man 4: AHAHAH!

(Green Police Man 4 is shooting everyone he can get)

Green Police Man 4: I don’t like Jews, cause Hitler said so!

Green Police Man 5: RELEASE THE BEARS!

(Green Police Man 5 releases the bears……)

Yogi Bear: Hey Boo-boo buddy! Let’s geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet outta this joint!

Boo Boo Bear: Okay Yogi, I’m with you!

(Yogi and Boo Boo do a “character running starting thing” and run away)

(Hitler pops out of the bushes with a mallet and whacks Yogi and Boo Boo in the head)

Hitler: (in German) that’ll show those bears! Stealing the picnic baskets, costed them bastards a costly lesson! Ahahahahah!

(Hulk Hogan pokes at Hitler, whispering into his ear)

Hulk Hogan: This is supposed to be an English movie

Hitler: Oh I’m sorry, since I’m GERMAN and all, I got TOO into my role….just don’t forget who YOU are, Hulk Hogan, and who I am, which is Jerry Springer!

(the people randomly running around all stop and look at them, waving their fists in the air, chanting)

People (chanting): JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Hitler: I think I’ll have my view now, you cannae do this to me, I AM JERRY SPRINGER! THE ULTIMATE TALK SHOW HOST AND USED CAR SALESMAN!

(Hulk Hogan rolls his eyes)

Hulk Hogan: we all know your jobless. Get a job. You’re no more better than a stay-at-home mom changing her panties!

(Hitler bitchslaps Hulk Hogan)

Hitler: GRR!!!

(Hitler and Hulk Hogan get into a wrestling match)

(scene cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: Grandpa…..I’m warning you. I don’t want to have to starve you to death….

Grandpa: I don’t even know why I’m telling this story! I’m just going to get into trouble…..what a way to treat your elders……..can I just end it now?

Mom (fluttering her hand): ok, go ahead and finish it how you want.

Old Grandpa: thank you……………………….(shakes his head sarcastically)

(the scene is distorted again, and its in outer space)

Alien: oop opp erkkk! (translation: WE GONNA CRASH, BITCH!)

(other Aliens run around screaming “oop opp erkkk!” as well)

Old Grandpa: It just so happens that the spaceship crashes in the middle of wherever the heck they were, and blew everything up, so in the end we won. That’s that.

Fred: Won what?

Old Grandpa (sighing): the WAR, what do you THINK!

Alyssa: What happened to Anne Frank?

Old Grandpa: That’s a very good question…

(Old Grandpa thinks of something, and a thought cloud comes out of his head, and he looks at it, smiling)

Old Grandpa: eheh……well……I kinda popped out of her trunk, and………………saved………..her………………….yeah, that’s it…………..but it was in my earlier days, when I could actually walk

(Old Grandpa scratches his head)

Old Grandpa: isn’t it time for bed?

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred and Alyssa in the head with his cane and they pass out)

(end)


Credits:Old Grandpa: Sylvester StaloneFred: Mariah Carey

Alyssa: Steven Segal

Fred and Alyssa’s Mom: Roseanne

Anne Frank: Mike Tyson

Cripple Girl: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Ballerina: Charlie Sheen

Punisher: Michael J. Fox

Mrs. Frank: Rosie o’ donnell

Mr. Frank: Bruce Lee

Green Police Man 1: Taco Bell Chihuahua

Green Police Man 2: Bob Sagat

Green Police Man 3: Oscar De Lahoya

Green Police Man 4: James Vanderbeek

Green Police Man 5: Emilio Estevez

Adolf Hitler: Jerry Springer

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Macauly Culkin

Bears: Yogi Bear, Boo Boo Bear

Dr. Dentist: Tom Cruise

 

Meriman Butlers

Head Butler: hello, I am Head Butler. We, at Meriman Butlers, serve YOU and only YOU. We’re pretty much like your favorite prostitute, because we live with you, eat your food, and only serve you between the hours of 8 am to 8 pm. Anyway, let’s talk about what we could do for you so you could rent us out for a minimum of a year.

 

(Head Butler walks over to a piano and starts playing)

 

Head Butler: not only are we trained in the classical art of music, but also Modern Rock!

 

(curtains behind Head Butler open up, and 4 other butlers are there. 2 have a guitar, 1 has a bass and one is playing the drums. Them and Head Butler start jamming)

 

Head Butler (singing): oh yeah! Oh yeah! I’m playing a piannooooo!

 

(the camera is moving around at different angles, and gets a focus in on the drummer’s bass drum and it says “The Butlers” on it)

 

Head Butler (singing): and we put jelly on your jam and bread on your butter and glass in your milk and we scrub your faucets and flush the sink after you use it and sweep your roof and water your ceiling and just about everything else!

 

(everyone jumps and hits the last note)

 

Head Butler: yeah!

 

(end)

 

Nutri-Grain Rehab

Man: Bye honey! No time for breakfast, I’ve got to go to work!

 

Honey: oh, you can’t go to work without breakfast! Here, have a NutriGrain Bar!

 

(Honey tosses a NutriGrain Bar to the Man)

 

Man: well…(looking at the NutriGrain Bar) ….maybe I can stay for a while…

 

(the man’s eyes sparkle with the NutriGrain wrapping)

(scene cuts to the man with 12 boxes of NutriGrains out on the kitchen table, and he’s jamming the bars in his mouth, making a mess everywhere. Under his face, there’s NutriGrain wrappers and huge pieces of NutriGrains mixed in. He keeps taking handfuls of it, wrappers included, and keeps shoving it in his mouth, and stuff falls every time he chews. He repeatedly opens new bars and shoves them in, too)

 

Honey (off screen): You’re still here? I gave you that NutriGrain bar 3 hours ago-OH MY GOD!

 

(Honey comes into the kitchen)

(Man is foaming at the mouth, his face is laying in the NutriGrain mess)

 

Man: help……..me………

 

Honey: Man, I think you’ve got an addiction to NutriGrain. You need help.

 

(scene cuts to a secretary-type woman)

 

Secretary: has this happened to you more than once? We have noticed an alarming increase in NutriGrain related addictions and death. We have opened NutriGrain Rehab, sponsored only 10% by the NutriGrain company and Kellogg’s, which reminds us they have a double g, for double gay, I might add. Those greedy bastards put people’s lives in turmoil and only sponsor us 10% making us make people pay out of their own pockets to get rid of their addictions.

 

(a CEO-looking kinda guy comes out of nowhere)

 

CEO: so, if you need help, please call us. 1-800-Get-Rid-of-NutriGrain

 

The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation…

Fun fact: davepoobond actually did this for a class assignment, and it was supposed to be done in front of class (which it was done)

The full title of this commercial is “The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples: Without the 6th Amendment”

 


Cast:

davepoobond – criminal

Greg – cop

Brian – narrator, bubba

 

Cop: stop! You’re under arrest!

 

Criminal: I didn’t do anything!

 

Narrator: this seems to be normal at this point, but…

 

Cop: ha! Got you!

 

(cop puts handcuffs on criminal)

 

Criminal: hey! This isn’t fair! I didn’t do anything

 

Cop: ya, ya. Tell it to your future boyfriend Bubba, cause you gettin it anal in prison, we lockin’ you up loooong time. Hope you like tossed salad.

 

Criminal: Don’t I get a trial or something

 

Cop: TRIAL! HAHAAHAHA! What the hell are you talkin’ about, boy?

 

Criminal: Dammit! You can’t do this to me! I’m a 30-second Cotton Candy Maker Seller!

 

Narrator: Imagine a world with no free trials. No being informed of the charges against you when you’re arrested, and no lawyers because they aren’t needed much anymore. That’s what the 6th Amendment does for us.

 

(really fast)

Funded by the We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples

 

(scene goes to a jail cell)

 

Criminal: hi, how are you?

 

Bubba: you’re my new boyfriend

 

Criminal: ah man…

 

(end)

 

What To Do About Mrs. Larkin: Operation Dump the Chump

Scene 1: Discussion

Mr. Rogers: That Mrs. Larkin, she’s a weird one…

Officer Squank: I really think that Mrs. Larkin is very, very, very, very, very, veerrryy “strange”

Officer Fuzzy: Yes, she’s veeerrryyy weird

Mr. Rogers: Maybe you should go do something about it

Officer Squank: NAAAH!

Officer Fuzzy: She used to be not so weird

Officer Squank: Yep…

Mr. Rogers: I liked her…

Officer Fuzzy: WHAT?!

Mr. Rogers: Uhh, sorry. Never mind…

Officer Fuzzy: Her husband, Roger, died in a car accident. A stupid tree fell on him. He shoulda seen it coming! You gotta be an idiot to not see a tree falling down and just go on like a regular day. Ever since that she has been weird. Oh well…

Mr. Rogers: Quack! …Excuse me!

Officer Squank: She has a messy garden

Officer Fuzzy: Garden? What garden? I thought that was a jungle….oh uh….yes, she does, I guess…I wonder if there are any mangos in there….mmm mangos…..

Mr. Rogers: I hate gardens……yes

Officer Fuzzy: She’s a nut, now. A nut that stays in a stupid jung….er garden the whole day!

Mr. Rogers: I like asparagus…yes

Officer Squank: Oh…

Mr. Rogers: Wanna know….a secret….yes

Officer Squank: Sure…fine….whatever

Mr. Rogers: I’m her husband…yes

(Officer Squank gasps)

Scene 2: The Truth Unvealed

Mr. Rogers: She was annoying…yes

Officer Fuzzy: I thought you were dead!

Mr. Rogers: Well…no…I actually cut down the tree, so that the tree could fall down on her….but I just happen to be in the car at the wrong time…..I tried to dump the chump, they call “my wife”….yes

Officer Squank: I thought you were actually happy being with the nut

Mr. Rogers: Well, I was, when she was actually active, but when she got to be an old hag, I had to “dump the chump.” I could get some other fresh meat…or, to you, girls….yes

Officer Squank: You suck

Mr. Rogers: No, I don’t. I want to fly! Fly, fly, fly, fly, FLY!!!

(Mr. Rogers goes over and jumps off a cliff)

Officer Squank: Well, I guess he’s dead now….

Officer Fuzzy: Yeah, I guess

Officer Squank: Want some donuts? Maybe we can hold up a donut shops with our guns

(Officer Squank holds his gun up and starts laughing)

Officer Squank: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

(end)

 

Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm

(Chuck E. Cheese is in a suit, in “his office.” The camera pans past all of the people working for the law firm in a close up. There’s a bookshelf full of law books and books on how to exchange Chuck E. Cheese tokens to different kinds of money. Chuck E. Cheese tightens his tie, and places his hands behind his back, standing in front of his desk)

 

Chuck E. Cheese: hello, I’m Chuck E. Cheese! And here at Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm, we are committed to proving your innocence or if you wanted, your guiltiness. We take all cases, and have a 100% success rating, give or take 100%. Our approval rating is 1000%!Because people not even needing us like us! Because if you lose, or if you’re not satisfied with our service, we will send you a hooker – for free!

 

(camera switches to Birdy)

 

Birdy: hi, I’m the hooker, Birdy! I do guys and girls. Don’t worry, I’m clean. I take showers daily! I used to do the stage show with Chuck E. Cheese when we were a band, but that was until Chuck E. Cheese’s became bankrupt and we were left with billions and billions of Chuck E. Cheese tokens minted every year since 1960. The only use for me was being a hooker, cause I’m a stupid stupid bitch!

 

Chuck E. Cheese: let’s hear some customer testimonies!

 

(scene cuts to a guy behind bars)

 

Joe: thanks Chuck E. Cheese’s Law Firm! Since they did such a piss poor job of defending me against shoplifting, I actually got found guilty for Murder of the First Degree, but they sent Birdy over and I got Hepatitis C! No one is gonna screw ME in jail!

 

Chuck E. Cheese: yes, even if you get found guilty, we keep on helping

 

“Rich” Guy: I won 3 billion dollars in Chuck E. Cheese tokens! Yaaaahhoooo!! Thanks Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm for getting me out of my child abuse allegations.

 

Kid: hey dad, can I-

 

(“Rich” Guy takes out a bat and starts beating the kid)

 

“Rich” Guy: SHUT UP YOU STUPID BASTARD KID!

 

(cuts to Chuck E. Cheese again)

 

Chuck E. Cheese: When you win, you win BIG!

 

Birdy: oh yeah!

 

Elephant: hi

 

Chuck E. Cheese: what the hell is that?

 

(end)

 

Crusty French Bread

Pierre: ello. I am Pierre, le lumberjack! Unt I loveeee Crusty French Bread.

 

Announcer: yes, you heard it from Pierre the Lumberjack, folks! Crusty French Bread is good. He’s French for cryin’ out loud!

 

Pierre: unt it is so healthy for you, it should be called “I can’t believe it’s not bread!”

 

Announcer: actually, its not bread

 

Pierre: Vat!? Vat is this?

 

Announcer: its actually made out of soy! You’ll be amazed what soy can be made into these days! From cardboard to mustard to xylophones! And you can’t tell the difference!

 

Pierre: vat da hell!? This makes me mad!

 

(Pierre starts his chainsaw)

 

Pierre: can’t you see that soy tastes like ass!? Hot dogs shouldn’t taste like soy, nor chicken nuggets which are made of soy!

 

Announcer: don’t get mad at me! Get mad at SoyCo! They made all that tasteless crap that makes you wanna barf!

 

Pierre: grrarrrh!

 

(Pierre waves his chainsaw in the air)

 

Pierre: dieee, SoyCo!

 

(Pierre stops waving his chainsaw, then takes a big bite out of the Crusty French Bread)

 

Pierre: now that I know its soy, you can obviously taste it! What a piece of shit!

 

Announcer: yes you can, Pierre, yes you can

 

Pierre: I can also taste your MOM in it

 

Announcer: what the hell? You shithead!

 

(Pierre and Announcer bitchslap fight)

(end)

 

I-Rental

I-Rental Man: hello, I am the I-Rental Man. Have you come under a tragic event in which you lost your eye? Or eyes for that fact? Well, I have a proposition for you.

 

(I-Rental walks next to a case)

 

I-Rental: here at I-Rental, we can solve your problems. Instead of living with no eyes or getting a glass eye, bring in your busted eyes, and we’ll let you rent some of our very own reconstructed eyes.

 

(I-Rental Man pats the case)

 

I-Rental Man: Yessir, in here we have all the colors of the rainbow and more. Best of all, you don’t need to take any medicine and your new eyes work instantly. You just pop them in and that’s it! All for a very low price of $100 a month. That’s only about $13 a day. No amount of money is worth your eyesight. And this month we’re having a special. When you get your first pair of eyes, you can rent more pairs of eyes for $37.99 more, per pair!!! Try it out!

 

(end)

 

Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy and Pals Episode 1 – LSD

This was actually done in real life for a presentation in Health, so it was meant to have actually been done in real life, which it was and Little Puppy Rosy is a Taco Bell Chihauhau toy. However, it was lost, so there is no copy of the video anywhere.


Puppy: Hi, I’m Little Puppy Rosy, the Substance Abuse Puppy, and I’m here today to teach you about LSD…with the help of my buddies: Larry, the drugged up bear-

 

Larry: Moo!

 

Puppy: -and, The Predator!

 

Predator: Rrrrn…

 

Puppy: My friends and I are going to go around town and ask random people about LSD and its effects

 

(Wait 5 seconds)

(Squeeze the puppy so its says “How cool is this”)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Note: butt butt is stimpyismyname’s older brother)

(butt butt is in a car)

(Run up to him)

 

Puppy: What do you know about LSD?

 

butt butt: Oh! You mean Lysergic Acid Diethylamide? Sure, I know lots of stuff!

 

Puppy: Like what?

 

butt butt: Well, first of all, when you take it, it is called “dropping acid,” and its nickname is “acid”

 

Puppy: So what? What’s bad about it?

 

butt butt (looking up): You unintelligent miscreant! You get tension, chills, fever, trembling, a loss of appetite and nausea when you “drop” it!

 

Puppy: Thank you!

 

(Throw puppy, then fade out)

(Fade in)

(Andy is in car. Run up to him)

 

Andy: Whee! Driving!

 

Puppy: Hello, kind sir. Would you tell us something about LSD?

 

Andy: No!

 

(Turn away from Andy)

 

Puppy: There is no one to talk to about LSD. Hey, wait! There’s Raphael the LSD scientist

 

(Note: Raphael is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael, and is wearing a space suit)

(Run over to Raphael)

 

Puppy: Hey, aren’t you Raphael, the famous LSD scientist?

 

Raphael: Yes, I am, I know everything about LSD.

 

Puppy: Do you know who discovered it?

 

Raphael: Yes I do, it is Albert Hoffman

 

Puppy: Wow, what happened to him?

 

Raphael: he died, because he drank LSD and had an extremely bad trip

 

Puppy: How do you take LSD and what are its effects?

 

Raphael: LSD is usually placed on foods such as sugar cubes and gelatin and eaten. Abusers say it makes their senses sharper and that ideas float through their minds, but they can’t act on them.

 

Puppy: oh…so that’s the reason why Larry has been seeing all those dancing penguins with lollipops

 

Raphael: Yes, Puppy, it is a proven fact, it is from LSD. An LSD trip can be as long as 6 to 8 hours.

 

Puppy: What happens when you have a “bad trip?”

 

Raphael: Hmm…oh yeah! It can increase anxiety, a person already had and causes a mental breakdown. Some people may feel depressed, anxious, and unreal for days after a trip. A lot of abusers have flashbacks which are when the effect of LSD returns days or months after a trip.

 

(Note: Raphael 2 is a “naked” Raphael, with only a belt on kinda)

(Raphael 2 enters)

 

Raphael 2: Hey! Wait a second, you’re the guy that took my clothes, you’re not a real LSD scientist, you’re just an LSD abuser that got out of his cage!

 

Raphael: Uh uh uh….(Looks around) bye (runs away)

 

Puppy: So wait a minute, your the real LSD scientist?

 

Raphael 2: You bet your pants I am!

 

Puppy: I have no pants!

 

(Wait a while)

 

Raphael 2: k…bye

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in with Larry, Puppy and Predator)

 

Puppy: ok, kiddies now we’re going to recreate what it would be like if someone actually took LSD

 

Larry: whee!

 

Predator: Rrrrr….

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Larry and Predator walk up to Blue)

 

Larry: Yo, buddy. Got any Lysergic Acid Diethylamide?

 

Blue: What you talkin’ bout? I know you ain’t talkin’ ‘bout my momma!

 

Larry: No no no, man. I just want some LSD!

 

Blue: Oh ok. Here ya go

 

(Move arm up with big dropper and give it to Larry)

 

Larry: How much for it, dude?

 

Blue: Free, because I’m an idiot!

 

(Let go of Blue)

 

Larry: Ohhhk…

 

(Predator jumps up and down on him and they walk away)

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

 

Larry: Yo, Predator, you wanna drop it first?

 

Predator: Rrr….

 

(Predator lays down, face up, close up on his face and drop “LSD” on his face, zoom out)

 

Predator: Rrr! Rrr!! (Flies away)

 

(Have a bunch of random scenes)

 

(Note: these were the random scenes: a dueling pair of feet with both guys saying “engarde” and “touché”, a mosh pit with Rage Against The Machine music playing, Homer Simpson and Predator fighting, and another Taco Bell Chihauhau that had a rose in its mouth and said “I think I’m in love,” a pause, and then Predator knocking over the dog)

 

(Afterwards, have Predator laying on the bed, then stand up)

 

Larry: whoa man, LSD is messed up, I never wanna do that stuff

 

(A bunch of drops fall on Larry)

 

Larry: Predator…

 

Predator (laughing): rrr rrr rrr rrr!

 

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

(Same place and same order as in the beginning)

 

Puppy: Well, kids, I hope you learned the LSD is bad because it has long term affects on your body.

 

Larry: Uhh….yeah

 

Puppy: See you next time, when we talk about sniffing dogs and how it ruins your life. Bye!

 

Larry: bye

 

Predator: Rrr…

 

(They all wave)

 

(credits)

 

The End

 


real credits, were somewhere along the lines of…

davepoobond – Wrote script, helped think up script. Voice of: Puppy, Blue

elmoisfurry – Helped think up script, camera, voice of: Larry, Predator

butt butt – Raphael, Raphael 2, Andy