Tag Archives: water

Your Blind Date is a Dud If…

November 27, 2010 davepoobond Leave a comment

If you’re a fellow who goes out on a lot of blind dates, you’ve got to beware of real duds. Your blind date is a dud if:

– She’s the kind of girl who uses too much perfume and not enough deodorant.

– She yells downstairs that she’ll be ready as soon as she finds her wig and false teeth.

– She sticks her bublegum behind her ear to kiss you hello.

– You have to stand on a chair to kiss her hello.

–

If you’re a girl who goes out on blind dates, you’ve got to beware of losers. Girls, your blind date is a loser if:

– He has more hair on his face than he does on his head.

– He picks the lock of your front door instead of knocking.

– He shows up driving a hearse.

– He asks you if you’d like something to drink and takes you to the water fountain in the park.

– He takes you to a fancy restaurant wearing a tee shirt with another girl’s picture printed on it.

– When he meets your parents, he picks a fight with them.

Jokes

Joke #12479

November 27, 2010 davepoobond Leave a comment

Did you hear about the drip who had his brain waves measured and they didn’t amount to a puddle?

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Mammoths In the Ocean

November 7, 2010 davepoobond (DPB) Leave a comment

Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent civilization under the sea. While you might be thinking it is a society of merpeople or single fish, you are wrong. This society was created by mammoths. Mammoths wearing scuba gear.

Everyday they would refill their oxygen tanks at the Oxygen Station. They would comb their hair and eat pop-tarts for lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast. They would eat water for breakfast.

So, anyway, humans evolved and started shitting on the ocean and dumping their Twinkie wrappers in the middle of the Pacific like assholes.

This soon created a Trash Island that became as big as the Pacific itself. Eventually, the Insectoid Empire declared the Trash Island as their sovereignty and announced war against the humans. After a long, arduous game of Monopoly, the humans lost and agreed to fly to the moon and remake their society there since no one gives a shit about that place.

The Insectoid Empire enjoyed a long and prosperous reign on land but they wanted more. The Ocean Mammoth embassy on the Trash Island gave the Insectoid Empire an idea. Why not take over the Ocean Mammoth civilization?

A surgical strike at the mammoth’s Oxygen Stations sealed the deal and soon enough the streets of the Ocean Mammoth civilization were filled with drowned mammoths. Eventually large schools of barracudas and piranhas came and ate all of them and destroyed all of their inventions, losing all of their technology forever.

The Insectoid Empire relished this victory and soon became an imperialistic power taking over one planet after the next. They were parasites after all.

Moral of the story: Foreign dependence is bad.

Stories

Dave’s Notes: The Tale of Peter Rabbit

November 7, 2010 davepoobond (DPB) 1 Comment

This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

Peter Rabbit is this asshole rabbit who had a stupid dad that got caught by this upstanding, taxpaying, well-groomed farmer named Mrs. McGregor. She wore a bra that was D cup even though she was plainly a C.

Peter Rabbit had a negligent mother named Mrs. Rabbit who thinks its a good idea to leave her 4 sons Peter, Mopsy, Flopsy and Cotton-Tail alone while she fucked the baker in RabbitTown.

Since Peter is an asshole, he disobeys his mother and abandons his brothers to the horrors of the forest while they lug blackberries back and forth. Mrs. Rabbit believed in child labor after all.

So, Peter goes onto Mrs. McGregor’s farm and shits in her prize-winning flowers. Then he eats her lovingly planted cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, and doesn’t even give her a reach around.

Mrs. McGregor, already dealing with the saggy boobie problem that plagues her family hereditarily, tried to kill that no-good Peter Rabbit and do us all a favor by doing so.

Peter Rabbit unfortunately gets away and hides in Mrs. McGregor’s toolshed where she keeps her can of holy water laying around unprotected. Not only does Peter Rabbit desecrate Mrs. McGregor’s farm, but he tarnishes the sanctity of Mrs. McGregor’s religion by pissing in it while he’s in her holy water.

Not only that, but the pervert Peter Rabbit lost all his clothing while he was being chased by Mrs. McGregor (very convenient, don’t you think?), so his sweaty ball sweat was integrating with the holy water.

Peter Rabbit sneezed, giving away his tactical position in the dark shed and busted through the toolshed window. Great, that’s going to cost money to replace.

Peter Rabbit tried to find a way out from the farm after the vandalism and indecency he subjected to Mrs. McGregor. He couldn’t, so he started crying like a bitch. He saw a bunch of other dumb shit that didn’t help him get away.

Eventually he found the gate he came in from and ran back home, leaving Mrs. and Mr. McGregor to clean up the mess he left. When Peter got home he took a big shit and went to bed. His family ate blackberries, bread, and milk, cause they were poor.

Peter got away with murder and was rewarded for it.