Tag Archives: war
Yogurt Battle
Battle!
Yippy
Space Warrior
Space War
In AD 2001 Iraq War Was Starting
Scary Baby Retard
In the Year 2069, there was a young boy named Wilson.
Wilson was mentaly retarded, and he was a 9 year old trapped inside a 8 month old girl’s body. He often stutterd when he talked, and stumbled over cordless phones for his enjoyment. He had a very unusual temper.
What he does when his temper is temped is… You know what? How about I tell you a story about him, and maybe your heart will be touched by this bisexual scary baby….
One afternoon wilson was at school in his classroom. The teacher was not there,
And his teacher put HIM in charge. He was holding his crayon backwards and poking himself interproprietly on top op the teacher’s desk… naked. His friend Mark put in a CD, and turned up the volume. He jumped ontop of his desk and did the macceréna dressed up in a Cheetah thong, and then the song started… It was ‘Modanna’-I toch myself. Every child was watching Wilson and Mark do their thing, they did a cheer and it went like this:
BANG! BANG!
CHOO-CHOO TRAIN,
C ‘MON WILSON LETS SEE YOUR THANG!
Mark was a jelous little girl.. so she pushed Wilson off of the desk and threw an apple at his vapenis/pigina. Wilson screamed out the words “VERONICAAAAAA!” and he got up and his eyes glowed red. he took beer out of his back pack and drank it. He told him he is a ‘Drunken Master’ and he will do ‘Drunken Monkey’ on him. (for those of you who don’t know… Jackie Chan has a movie called ‘The Legend of Drunken Master’) So then they decided to fight ontop of the school roof and it was the talk of the school… The next day after school, Wilson dressed up in a Rainbow Robe with a Purple Towel Turbin. Un like Mark…. She was naked with a 2 foot bamboo stick connected to her penis. they faught and faught for hours. Wilson tripped over his third foot and fell off the roof. He got up and said “VERONICAAAAAA!” Finaly the princible asked why he said Veronica and didnt get up and fight. Wilson said, “Because.” the princible said, “Because why?” Wilson said, “Because I am having P.M.S, and whenever I get hurt I always say VERONICA!!!!” the princible asked, “Would u like some chocolate?”
Wilson got cunfuzzed and did the macceréna and blew up.
THE END
Battle
It’s quiet…too quiet…the fields of war silently show their gleam of light. The pond stirs silently as the clouds of anguish and torment shadow these dark plains. Not a sound from crickets or the trees rustling by this pond. Suddenly, a head pops up from a field of grass by the pond…but it is no human nor intelligent lifeform’s head…it is no other then Donald Duck. He is wearing an army helmet with camoflauge paint around his face…his eyes shift from left to right, trying to spot an unseen enemy. His eyes widen as a loud bang is heard and he quickly ducks back down and rolls out of the way as an anvil drops to the place he had stuck his head out. From a distance a faint chukle can be heard…The chuckle is low and nearly inaudible…if you ignore the loud “quacks” between the laughter. The laughter and quacking comes from that of Daffy Duck, crouching down in military camoflauge uniform by a tree. His loud quacking and laughter does not go unnoticed…for another lifeform exists out there in the wild. Not a donkey or a platypus or a duck…wait it is a duck. Well, anyways this duck spots the enemy Daffy chuckling by the tree and smirks evily. The enemy has been spotted. He crawls through the brush and silently apporaches his enemy. Daffy, oblivious to Dacky’s existence, trys to spot Donald who has seemingly disappeared. He pops his head up only to realize that some sort of hot air is breathing upon the back of his neck. No, it wasn’t that of the wind or of a tree leaf dancing on his neck. As he fell deep into thought, his eyes shoot up. He knew who it was and slowly turned, facing his enemy Dacky, who is smirking evilly. The silence is broken by a loud quack, but it quickly comes back. Donald, aroused by the quack, slowly pops his head up, looking in the general direction. All he can see is the grass moving, as if something had been there…something…or someone…He slowly lowers his head and crawls through the brush…his eyes are focused on the grass that lay ahead as suddenly ,the grass stops and he sees an opening. And there, lying in the opening, lay a black figure. He lay unconscious, maybe for a short period of time or maybe for a lifetime, but Donald didn’t have time to find out. He quickly crawled over the figure and laid back against the tree trying to figure out who or what could have done this. Suddenly a sound is heard not to far off and Donald looks in the direction. He smirks and slowly crawls over to where the sound was heard. He comes to another opening, slowly peeking around. The sound was that of something hitting wood, and he saw a log near by. He walked over the muddy, soft ground as he came about a log. There was no sign of footprints or anything unusual. He moved closer and his hand encountered a rock. He picked it up and looked in terror. These grounds were muddy and did not contain rocks, and he knew what happened. He knew that the unseen enemy had thrown this rock to distract him. He knew that he had been played all along. So slowly, he turned around, and saw the figure right behind him. He sighed and accepted his fate, as darkness fell upon him in a flash.
Little Red Riding Tax Collector
Once there was a man who wore this red sweat shirt and red pants. He looked really stupid but infact was not. He only had the Ebola Virus. He use to ride upside down on his horse named red. His sattle was on the horses stomache and so he’d bonk his head on the ground everytime the horse stretched his legs.
One day he had to go collect taxes from George W Bush and his boss said: “Take this suit case with you and make sure you deliver it to his hands IMMEDIATLY!” The boss then slapped him on the ass and the tax collector left with the suit case. He got on his horse and he was off, bonking his head along the way. But, behold, a Portuguese Samurai with Bipolar diease heard what the boss said and he grinned evily. He was going to steal that nice suit case and sell it on the French black market.
So the Samurai jumped on his very own skunk and rode off towards the direction the tax collector went. But the samurai knew a shortcut through the Marijuana fields. He quickly made a lemonade stand, only not making lemonade, but making Spam on Ham sandwich stand. Now this grabbed the tax collectors attention. The tax collector fell off his horse and walked over.
The samurai said: “Look at That thing behind you!” Of course there was nothing there but the tax collector turned around and looked. The samurai then ran down to Bushs house and rang the door bell. Bush peaked out and the samurai bonked him on the head with beef jerky. Bush suddenly got hit with like 1000 calories and passed out. The samurai then dragged his body under the bed and took all his clothes.
Meanwhile the tax collector is still staring behind him trying to find what the samurai was pointing (what an idiot) and then decided to just go collect taxes because he was standing there for 3 hours straight. He got on his horse and bonked his head all along the way to Bush’s house.
He knocked on the door and the samurai (dressed as bush) opened the door. The tax collector handed him the brief case and asked for the Tic Tacs that he had to pay for his taxes. “Bush” gave him a whole box of tic tacs and the collector almost had a heart attack.
He had never seen a WHOLE bottle of TIC TACS! The tax collector went back home. The samurai opened the brief case and it was a coversational tape that helps you learn German and a bottle of spanish olives. The samurai ate the olives and later died of constipation. George W Bush late woke up but couldn’t find his way out from under the bed even though it wasn’t even a Queen size and died of starvation.
The End
Who Wants a Grilled Cheese Sandwich?
I went into the cheapest restaurant in town, El Cheapo’s Cheapo Cuisine because I was hungry. The air was stuffy, and had a combination of various smells which seemed to combine into a sharp smell that made my boogers shrivel back up into my sinuses.
I took a grilled cheese sandwich and put it on my tray. There was a theory that all the food in ECCC was actually all the leftover food from all the other restaurants in town, so you had to choose your food wisely. When I sat down, I ate the “grilled cheese sandwich,” gained super powers and flew off into the sunset.
Afterwards, the SWAT team raided the ECCC for selling food past their expiration date.
Moral: Don’t eat bad food, or you’ll get diabetes or super powers.
Life After High School: a story
Yay! Fifi is finally out of high school…whoopee…time to go to that college, Fifi. You wanted to go so badly. What was it again? Oh yeah, SUK. Squackle University for Kids. And the bad thing about it is, the college starts tomorrow. No summer vacation. Yay. Time to hop on that train and go down to New Mexico. Fifi hasn’t even seen the university yet. All of Fifi’s friends said she shouldn’t go to SUK. They said that there was a lot of weird stuff going on near that university that it would be hazardous for you health. “We’ll just see,” said Fifi as she got onto the train in her tutu and two suitcases…
* * *
Just as Fifi stepped off the train, a bunch of clowns came by and picked her up, leaving her suitcases for the myriad squirrels trailing behind them to pick them up. The clowns ran for about fifteen miles before they stopped at an old secluded warehouse.
“Hey! Is this SUK?” Fifi exclaimed. At this comment the six clowns got into a huddle and started talking.
“SUK? What is that?”
“It’s a university not far from here”
“Why is our smuggler trying to get to SUK?”
“Smuggler?”
“Yeah the smuggler that was smuggling in some beans. He said he would be wearing a tutu and would have two suitcases that said, “I am going to SUK, I am going to SUK!”
“Hmm…i have a feeling this isnt the right person. Let’s just wait for the squirrels to come with the suitcases, then we’ll see.”
One clown called Big Nose went up to Fifi and said, “Why, hello there little girl…there is a thingy that every freshmen at our fine university has to do before…we allow them to use our facilities freely…” Big Nose turned around and winked at the other 5 clowns. The other five clowns winked back and gave a thumbs up sign.
A clown named Red Nose gave Big Nose a rope and Big Nose tied up Fifi, very tightly with it. Fifi then shouted, “HEY! What’s this got to do with learning? Is this rope tying class?”
At this comment, Big Nose was stunned, so he replied with, “Uh…you want to…learn?”
Fifi said, “Yeah…that’s what a university is all about.”
“Riiiigghhtt…” said Big Nose. The squirrels came inside the warehouse chittering and chattering, and when the Master Squirrel talked with his little squirrely voice, he said, “Why do you guys have to have a warehouse all the way out here?”
Fifi finally realized that this was a warehouse, and not the University she had wanted to go to. Fifi screamed. She screamed so loud that the nose on Red Nose came off and bounced across the room. “This isn’t SUK!!!!” Fifi screeched.
“No, it isn’t, whiny little girly tutu face person.” Shiny Nose said.
What will Fifi do? Will Fifi find a way to break out of the warehouse and go to SUK? Well…to make a long story short, she did.
In a pile, the six clowns were in a pile and the squirrels were hanging off the walls and ceilings of the warehouse, taped onto them. “Now, its time to go to SUK!” Fifi said proudly.
When Fifi got to the University she saw a bunch of ducks quacking and waddling around a big campus to the ducks, but not at all big for Fifi.
Fifi then said, “Hey! This isn’t a university!”
Just then, a duck wearing glasses and a book in its wing, he said, “Oh, of course not little tutu brain. This is a university for ducks only, not for humans. You better go back home before some clowns and squirrels kidnap you and tie you in ropes and do nothing afterward. A lot of stuff happens around here.”
“What else happens around here, Mr. Quack?” Fifi replied.
“Oh, you know, the usual thing. Moose overcharging you for their taxi service, mice crawling over your house and leaving their footprints on it, crows using anything and everything for target practice, which is very lethal for some species. Anyway, you should go…so GO!”
Mr. Quack took out something that looked like a remote control and zapped Fifi with it. After about 10 minutes of being shocked by 600 killowatts of electricity by the remote control, she disappeared and was back at home on her bed with her suitcases on her legs. In the next room, she heard her parents barking.
Fifi didn’t pay attention to it, and just went to sleep.
The moral of the story is to visit the college you are going to before you actually go to it for reals, not for fakes, dress appropriately, stay away from clowns being trailed by lots of squirrels, stay away from warehouses in the middle of nowhere, don’t go to universities with a duck named Mr. Quack that has glasses on.
You also know what your parents do when you are gone to college…
Applications In Space
The sweat dripped off my fingers and into the cracks. “Not again,” I thought. I could hear my heart thumping with a quickening pace. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Was it really a prompt? It sure didn’t prompt me to do anything but want to leave. The floor creaked. “Who’s there?” I yelled, but I don’t wait for an answer. I knew who was there. I quickly drew out my blaster and blew the door to hell. “That would do it,” I told myself as I slowly turned back to the screen, but I knew there was nothing I could do. There was no time, so I did to the screen what I do to anything else that I don’t have time for: I put my fist in it. The glass shards ripped through my hand like razorblades. For some reason I thought it was made of plastic. It didn’t matter much; you only need one finger to pull a trigger. I stood up and kicked over my desk, just for effect.
“Oh my gosh! What happened to your hand?” she asked, stepping over the trilorg carcass. “College essays,” I said, nodding to the overturned desk. Of course she wanted to look at my hand. She always acted like she was a doctor. “Well that glass has gotta go,” Glenn said, rubbing her chin. I smiled and told her to warn the others about the trilorgs. Murderous eight foot tall creatures that feast on brains were not something easily forgotten. These college applications were a curse, they swelled my brain. I thought my head must have looked like a big supple ham to them. I looked up, something was moving around on the floor above us. She heard it too. “Isn’t that the bridge above us?” she asked. She was right, they were probably flying us right to some trilorg slaughterhouse. “We’re wasting time, just go!” I yell. I wasn’t this nervous since last Thursday… the last time this happened. The circumstances were different. This carnage was supplemental. She ran out the rear airlock and I heard a muffled scream, then the sound of a bone saw. They were hungrier than I thought. That didn’t give me much time; they were probably planning to eat us all now, on our own ship. I jumped out the airlock and pumped three ounces of plasma into the trilorg. Glenn’s brain was exposed… that just did it. I kicked the trilorg’s remaining teeth in and headed towards the bridge.
I was blasting trilorgs left and right. You could hear the burning plasma rip into their bodies and come out the other side. My gun soon overloaded and died, that was inevitable. I kicked a few in the jaw as I made my way over to the main control panel to do what I had come there to do. I smashed down the ship’s self destruct button, that seemed to have the word “SUBMIT” on it, with my bloody fist and muttered, “See you all in hell.”
The ship groaned and shook, but no explosion came. I cursed under my breath. I must have forgotten some field… I searched the panel for a red asterix, but I ended up finding a few on my chest from the trilorgs’ blasters. One of them said something like, “Don’t move, human.” I could hear the whir of a bone saw behind me. Another one moved past me and tapped some commands into the panel. They were locking all the airlocks on the ship. “That’ll stop these pesky interruptions,” the trilorg said. Just then it clicked: all of the trilorgs had to be right here with me on the bridge. I slid my hand down to my belt. A trilorg shot my arm off. Through the immense pain I could hear them laughing and fighting over the fresh meat. With the diversion going, I whipped my other hand to my belt and unloaded three high explosive plasma grenades and smiled. “Eat up.” I said, tossing one in each mouth.
I woke up with a start, dried saliva on the corner of my mouth, my computer screen intact. “Crap,” I thought. The prompt is still there blinking incessantly. Nothing done, again.
Godzilla on a Rampage in Fredburg, Wisconsin
“Raughauhreauwah!” roared Godzilla.
“We have to stop him now!” said Bob the General guy as he smacked his fist into his hand.
“Hey!” said Bill the scientist, “I need to study it further. His single eyelash could hold the cure for cancer!”
“You stupid scientist, reptiles don’t have eyelashes!”
“How do you know?”
“Hack…..tooey!” spat the general as he spat in Bill’s face and pushed him out of the car.
“Now for my real mission,” growled Bob, “To build a flux capacitor to transform my Delorian into a time machine.”
Bob knew just what to do with a time machine.
“Hmm, yes,” said Bob, “You just wait…”
It took Bob three years and 237 viewings of “Back to the Future,” but he built his time machine. Meanwhile Godzilla had been destroyed by Bill. Bill then had quintuplets with Martha Stewart and now lived in a lovely six bedroom house in Sweden with a big backyard…but that’s another story.
Bob went forward in time to 2047 to visit John Connor, who never existed when Bob got there, but really did…I’ll get into that later.
“Hi,” said Bob
“Who are you?” said John
“Hey that’s a nice Terminator.”
“Yes. I reprogrammed it to protect me when I was a child.”
“Hey that’s great. I bet you can’t make it get in my car.”
“Like hell I can’t!”
Bob went back to 2002 with his Terminator, but the Terminator ran away looking for John Connor, whom had been killed only years earlier.
“Crap!” shouted Bob, “I sure suck at being a general! I don’t even have an army!”
Just then an artillery shell blew up next to him. He was blown into a bunch of pieces that all landed in trees.
Bill died 20 years later of an infection in his toenail.
The crappy end
Walking Down the Street…
so i was walking down the… street… and…. uhh …wha? huh? oh, ok. yeah. and you know, circus monkeys make a lot of money… and…. uh- wha? huh? weasels aren’t very trustworthy, hence the stereotype… and… yeah. so i was walking… um… huh? wha- oh, already did that. if i was a baboon, i’d make pancakes… yes. when you put yoour right middle finger on your right index finger while doing the “whatever w” you can say “whatever peanut”. that’s just something you might want to try sometime… okay. lolipops remind me of puking, i don’t know why. i hate the feeling of puking. it’s all hot and big… it’s like pooping hot crap out of your mouth with a headache. blegh! i know some ways to say puke: upchuck, throw up, puke, lose your lunch, dinner, ect., barf, blow chunks, hurl, hwarf, spew, jetteson, deport, expatriate, repatriate, resettle, exile, banish, transport, seclude, extrude, throw up, cast up, wash up, wash ashore, spit out, cough up, spew out, put out, push out, throw out, chuck out, fling out, bounce, propel kick out, boot out, give the bum’s rush, throw out on one’s ear, give the heave-ho, hustle out, drum out, eruption, eruptiveness, outbreak, egestion, regurgitation, disgorgement, vomiting, throwing up, nausea, vomit, barf, upchuck, eructation. so, that’s all i have to say. yes.