A tear comes to my eye
And I realize it was a fly
My friend
Gone gone gone
Something something something
And something something something
For I never seen
A tree
As pretty as a deer
Driving a semi truck
Into a nuclear plant
Tag Archives: A DPB Tag
Cashier Lesson – Using the Computer
The computer is a resource that is used in everyday operation as a customer service representative. We say it is to help customers and to manage day-to-day operations of the cashier department, however we know that is only 25% of its use. Keeping up to date on fashion trends and celebrity gossip is tantamount to doing any actual “work” on the vestige known as the computer at the customer service desk.
How to Avoid Helping Customers
Furiously typing away at a computer makes it seem like you are very very very busy when in fact you’re not. Just don’t make eye contact and they’ll probably move on to the next register.
How to Avoid Helping Underlings
There are several folders on the desktop at your disposal to get those pesky cashiers off your back. It’s not your fault that they used the last copy of the availability form that had a big “ORIGINAL” written across it — oh no. But it certainly becomes your problem when cashiers are biting at your ankles and looking at you with dumb stares with their hand half-way inside of an empty folder wondering how to get what they need.
Just tell them “I’ll get it later.” Then never get it. That way someone else can do it and you don’t have to worry about shit. If it is important enough they’ll figure out a way to get it.
How to Deflect E-mail
If you feel so inclined to check the E-mail inbox, there are a number of things you could do. You could help each customer, but why would you do that when you could have someone else do it for you? Simply forward it all to the applicable managers and they can sort it out. Or why even do that? Forward it all to your supervisor and have him deal with it. You don’t get paid enough to deal with stupid bull shit.
Hell, just delete it all while you’re at it. No one needs the stupid bullshit customers spout in their stupid e-mails, after all.
How to Hide What You Are Doing
Sometimes it may not be inconspicuous when one of those assholes from the corporation come by and walk through the store and wonder why there are people in line at a register or why a cashier is standing around doing nothing (there’s never a happy medium with these guys). Always keep a blank, open tab and switch to it whenever you see someone that may get you into trouble walk by.
Looking Back At: Oh Minseok the Rebel Korean
One of the few things I think seriously about is spam e-mail. Not only do people actually spend the time to write out huge paragraphs as some random African country’s prince – which is called role playing where I come from (The Internet), sometimes you’ve got to wonder about whether or not a few of these “situations” may in fact be real.
Let us hark back to Oh Minseok.
I got a spam mail once that wasn’t trying to sell me anything. It wasn’t trying to convince me to give my social security number to get a million hot dogs shipped to me from Uruguay, although I would seriously contemplate the prospect – this spam mail I got was about how Korean electronics companies were trying to kill him and how he needed help because they were hacking him and essentially trying to stab him through the computer screen.
Now, there are likely two possibilities that had made this e-mail come about.
One, he is an insane paranoid Korean who somehow learned English (but obviously not very well) and somehow got access to a mailing list with a million people on it, one of those being me.
Or, second, he actually is trying to be killed by Samsung. I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt, even if they are insane, so I honestly think he is trying to be killed by Samsung because Samsung is involved in crimes and is paying off police to not investigate them. Not only that, but they’re in collusion with Hyundai!
Sounds plausible, right? I certainly think so.
I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to piss Samsung off, considering you could fart in their plasma television screens and piss into their liquid crystal vats. That’s probably what Oh Minseok did. And Hyundai probably bought a lot of those little LCD screens from Samsung to put into their stupid cars and were none too pleased to see piss ooze out of the screens.
So, whoever this Oh Minseok guy is, I’m sure he’s probably dead because someone he spammed this to tracked him down and sold his location to Samsung. I think the last thing I’d ever do if I were being hunted down by a corporation that ignores the world’s laws and can apparently pay off any police force it feels like would be to post across the whole internet that they are trying to kill me.
Memorial Day – What Does it Mean to Me?
Decoration Day is another name for Memorial Day. Memorial Day honors military people who have died in wars that Americans have fought in. It is a patriotic holiday that was originally honored to the Civil War. Now it also honors veterans from the Spanish-American War, World War 1, World War 2, Korean War, Vietnam War, Desert Storm, Antirent War, The Aroostook War, Black Hawk War, Mexican War, Seminole War, Tripolitan War, Utah War, and the War of 1812.
Memorial Day is celebrated on the last Monday in May. On Memorial Day people place flowers, flags, and other memorabilia on the graves of people who died in wars which Americans fought in.
We should all be grateful that these people have given their lives so that we can have the freedoms that we have today.
The Automatic Egg Thrower
Dear Mike,
I hope that you will appreciate my new invention. It is an automatic egg thrower! I assure you it will be of really good use. You can use it for social groups that are bothering you or people who will not get off your lawn after you asked them nicely to go or get off. Then you can load eggs in the egg thrower and shoot them till they run away! You will laugh at their facial expression! There is a brochure that comes with it so you know how to launch eggs with the egg thrower. My egg thrower is going to both the Self-Defense convention and the Joker’s convention! All the eggs that miss your targets will be good nourishment for your grass so you do not have to pick it up. After you throw eggs at somebody they will negotiate with you and do as you set out to accomplish. I insure you they will.
Your best friend,
davepoobond
PS Write back soon!!!!
Quote #21726: Dear 6th Grade Teacher
“I expect to learn harder math, harder spelling words, harder science and harder English in 6th grade. I hope we don’t get a lot of homework everyday because my mom says my backpack is always too heavy and I tell her only my homework is in there!”
– davepoobond
Famous Faces
Famous people put on a lot of makeup on to hide their big, fat, juicy zits.
A lot of celebrities give out phony autographs made by con-men.
Con-men might act and dress up like famous people.
Everyone is trying to touch a famous face for no necessary reason!
Some people act like phony con-men disguised as a famous face.
Special Place Poem
When I want to be A
L
O
N
E I go OnTo my chair and StArT playing N
6
4 On OnE of the games I HAVE, I TaKe PLace as MaRiO trying to get 120 StArs and PrinceSS ToadstOOL back from BoWsEr, MaRIo’s aRchnemisis.
OtHER T
I
M
E I taKe pLace as …… Bond, James Bond and Go on COveRt missions in RUSSIA.
In MY worLd I taKe voyages frOm the WAVES of wave Race 64 to THE ice on WaynE GreTskY’s 3D HoCKEy
Quote #21723
” On Saturday, January 19, thousands of people came to see the Rose Parade in Pasadena — it was a fantastic parade this year! The floats were effective to the people that were there. There were so many flowers that you could smell them a mile away!”
– davepoobond
Moldy Bread Haiku
White, Gray, Black, Brown, Green
Squishy, Shiny, Looks Fuzzy
Rotten and Stinky
Quote #21720
“My goals for sixth grade are: making new friends and being nice to other people.”
– davepoobond
Quote #21719
“My favorite school subject is math because I’m really good at it. My least favorite subject is history because I don’t do that well in it.”
– davepoobond
Quote #21718
“[In the future] I see flying cars in the air with electrical motors and cars on the ground with electric motors also.”
– davepoobond
Quote #21717
“The best vacation I ever took was to Lake Tahoe because it was neat and I went somewhere else than to Las Vegas for out-of-state-trips. I had no mishaps. I’d like to spend a vacation on the moon!”
– davepoobond
Quote #21716
“Favorite TV Shows
My TV shows are ranked in order of preference:
1. ‘The Real Adventures of Johnny Quest’ I like it because I like the computer graphics.
2. ‘Hey Arnold’ I like it because it is interesting and funny.
3. ‘Dexter’s Laboratory’ I like it because it is funny.
4. ‘Johnny Bravo’ I like it because it is funny.
5. ‘KABLAM!’ I like it because it is funny.”
– davepoobond