I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Scissors?”
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
“Not bad,” said the priest, “but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death.”
“What on earth is that?” asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
“Nuns with scissors.”
STAN: “My nickname is Scissors.”
DAN: “Because you’re so sharp?”
STAN: “No, because I always cut class.”
“yep that is what its there for, a glass, ball, sponge, I don’t even know what else…scissors?”
– Mrs. Stickums
“The scissors are in the jar”
– Mrs. Stickums
“no, scissors tend to be a little, jagged”
– from somewhere around davepoobond’s high school
krisel – v. to split scissors in half and use the halves as daggers
EXT: Park.
DIRK, a young man is sitting on a children’s merry-go-round. He’s holding a pair of cutting scissors. GREG, a large bunny, runs up and pushes the merry-go-round very fast. Dirk screams, and runs dizzily off up a hill. Greg laughs menacingly, kicks FRODO off the slide, jumps on the back of a truck, hits the driver with nunchucks and they peel out.
CUT TO:
MOVING
Camera circles around Dirk as he runs.
He falls off camera. SCREAMING. Blood squirts up.
INT: Doctor’s office
CEDRICK, a middle aged doctor stares into space, misty eyed. PHIL, the tough as nails physical trainer sits in the corner, hands on his knees.
CEDRICK
(sobbing)
I don’t think I can save him
PHIL
Doc, ya got to! Karate championship’s in two hours!
Cedrick puts a bandaid over the wound. The scissors are still protruding. Phil leans towards Dirk.
PHIL
(whispering; teary eyed)
You’re the best!
Music starts: “YOU’RE THE BEST”
CUT TO:
INT: Green room.
Dirk is working out. First he does sit-ups, then punches the air, jump ropes, then tries to do the splits. CRUNCHING.
CUT TO:
EXT: Mountaintop
Dirk is posing in karate stances in front of a sunset
CUT TO:
INT: Gym
Music stops. Dirk is facing off against Greg. A close shot of Dirk’s face reveals beads of sweat. Phil is in the corner, cheering him on. Cedrick is next to him, worried.
PHIL
Remember, kid! You’re the best!
(music resumes)
Dirk and Greg dance around striking karate poses and jabbing at each other.
SLOW
Greg yanks out Dirk’s scissors. Music fades out. Blood squirts from off camera. Close up of Dirk’s face in agony.
Phil yelling but is muted. While the commotion continues in the background, Frodo walks in front of the camera.
FRODO
(serious tone)
Remember, running with scissors doesn’t only affect you.
CUT TO:
Cedrick in the corner, crying blood and eating a bag of bugs.
CEDRICK
(whimpering)
I couldn’t save him.
CUT TO:
Middle of gym. Greg is jumping up and down with a large trophy above his head.
Picture of Dirk’s face. Underneath is written “Dirk” “Daniel son” Miagi, July 7, 1985 – October 12, 2002
END
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
xeeremel – n. a jar of scissors
plabasterous – n. a monkey with a pair of scissors in its eyes
phittip – n. a little “snip snip” with scissors.
Ex. Give me a phittip.
My mom and my step-dad were fighting yesterday, because my mom didn’t like this plant that was in a pot. Well this is how it happened:
–
(mompoobond takes the plant out of the pot and plants way back in the back of the backyard and puts one of her flowers in the pot it was in)
(stepdadpoobond gets mad)
stepdadpoobond: What’d you do to my plant? That was my plant!
mompoobond: Since when do you care about what I do back here? I replanted it back by the fence, I didn’t like it.
(something else happens between that and this:)
(mompoobond is about to replant his plant back into the pot)
stepdadpoobond: If you move that plant, I’ll take the scissors and cut it up into little pieces!
mompoobond: You’re cruel
(stepdadpoobond leaves, mompoobond just takes her plant out of the pot, throws it away, and they don’t talk for about 4 hours, and they make up around 10:00 PM)
–
When my mom told me about this, I almost laughed. My mom said I “was old enough to hear these things.” What the hell? A 10 year old is old enough to hear about 2 ADULTS fighting about 2 plants. Stupid. And they say I’M immature…