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Dave’s Notes: Come and Have Fun

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This entry is part 5 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

There’s this cat, right.  And he likes to harass this mouse, see.  And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment.  This cat is like a bible basher, but worse.  He’s a murderer.

The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house.  But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse.  Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse.  It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.

Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat.  But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat.  Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.

So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm.  He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat.  Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.

Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.

Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him.  But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt.  Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.

The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird.  The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl.  Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill.  Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?

The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole.  To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside.  So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.

The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea.  Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house.  So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake.  Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”

Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.

Lists

30 Things to Do On an Exam When You Know That You Are Going To Fail

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1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e.. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math / sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blackened out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question. Ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him or her.