Tag Archives: customer

Jokes, (C) Misogyny Jokes

Joke #18629

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In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer’s home.

The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox.”

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”

The woman paused a second and said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.”

Other Junk

The Unfriendly Restaurhaunt and Coffin Shop Moan-U

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The following is a menu offered at the Unfriendly Restaurhant and Coffin Shop Moan-U.

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A die-ning delight that will lift your spirits!

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SAND-WITCHES

Boo-loney

Boo-gels and Scream Cheese

Hallow-weenies

Liver-worst

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BOO-VERAGES

Milk Shaaaakes

Ice Scream Floats

Orange Crrrush

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HEX-TRAS

Clammy on the Half Shell

Chilllled Tomb-ato Juice

Deviled Eggs

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SOUPS AND SALADS

L-eeek! Soup

Cream of Asparaghost

Arti-Choke Hearts

Lettuce Alone Salad

Marinated Brussel Shouts

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SIGHED DISHES

Baked Beings

Cre-mated Spinach

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DESS-HURTS

Creep Suzettes

Banana Scream Pie

Sheet Cake

Key Slime Pie

Hot Sludge Shun-dae

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TODAY’S SPE-CHILLS

Spook-ghetti

Souther Fright Chicken

Ghoul-lash

Turkey with Grave-y

Pasta-way

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Breakfast Served from Midnight to 3 A.M. Daily

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CEREALS

Ghost Toasties with Evaporated Milk

Shrouded Wheat

Scream of Wheat

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EGGS

Terri-fried Eggs — Over Easy

Scream-bled Eggs

Three-moan-it Soft-booled Eggs

Stormy-side-up Eggs

Eggs Boonidict

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Cust-tomb-ers: We accept Die-ners Club, Monster Card, and American Hex-press Credit Cards

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Jackal and the Fox

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One day there was a Jackal.  Was.  He got hit by a car.  But he wasn’t always road kill.   He was a successful banker, a branch manager for a multinational bank that was established in hundreds of forests throughout the land.

That was until the Fox came by to store his pecan nuts.  That asshole Fox wasn’t even a customer and he was trying to make them store pecans without even a proper account.

So, the fox went over the Jackal’s head, and got the Jackal fired.  How did he know the Fox was a famous movie star, he doesn’t even own a TV.  Then the Jackal was pushed in front of a car by his ex-boss’ bodyguards.

Moral of the story:  Get a TV.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

Today Is Stupid Day

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This entry is part 8 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Its official, today is Stupid Day. Here’s another customer story that just happened.

A bizarre lady called and asked if we rented out caps and gowns for her Masters graduation, and I told her no, we don’t, you have to buy them. She also volunteered to tell me that she was with the History department, like I could give a fuck about that in the first place.

So she proceeded to say this to me:

"I have to BUY my graduation robe? Well, I guess I’m not graduating then." And then hung up.

What the fuck is with these people today??

I also heard that another customer argued with a manager for a half and hour about returning a pen or pencil he bought a month ago (with no receipt to show, as well). And then there was ANOTHER lady who called us and asked us how to put her Masters Hood on, and she was a retard because when we tried to tell her what to do, she didn’t even do it right.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

The Petition Bitch

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This entry is part 7 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A lady petitioning against the Cal State University budget cuts came into the store and solicited us to sign her stupid petition. I don’t sign anything so I said no, and no for all the people around me.

So then the bitch went deeper into the store and asked more customers to sign it. Which is not allowed, since we do not allow solicitors inside the store, no matter what their cause. Ironically, she was having an off-duty Community Service Officer (basically a junior cop and security guard for the store) sign the petition.

I called the on-duty CSOs in the camera room and told them about the Petition Bitch and tell her that she can’t be inside the store doing that shit. So, the guy came out and told her to leave.

During that time, the off-duty CSO came over to the Customer Service desk where I worked and told me that he signed the petition, and as the Petition Bitch was leaving she asked him to sign the petition again AFTER she was told she couldn’t do that in the store, not to mention she already got him to sign it.

What a bitch.

Quotes

Quote #11020: What flavor is That? Red.

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This entry is part 6 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So a guy wanted to buy a slushy, and I asked him what flavor it was so I could ring it up.

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davepoobond: “What flavor is that?”

Slushy Guy: “Strawberry, Idon’tknowrarerr….RED.”

davepoobond: “Red?”

Slushy Guy: “Yeahhhh, I don’t knoww”

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So I rang him up for a red-flavored slushy. The End.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

Can I Take These Now and Pay Later?

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This entry is part 5 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A weird lady came by the Customer Service desk holding a cassette tape and some other electronic thing in her hand.

She said "I lost my wallet, so I was wondering if it was okay if I could take these now and pay for them later."
As she was about to explain more of her reasoning, I cut her off and said "No."

She said "Oh okay, I understand," and walked away.

Fucking weirdo.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

The Laughing Monkey Girl

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This entry is part 4 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

There was a laughing monkey girl that visited work yesterday.

This monkey girl was making a weird high pitched sound that sounded like "EEE EEE EEEEEEEEE." It sounded like a squeaky wheel at first or something wrong with the escalator.

It was only later that I figured out that was her actual laugh!

Some asshole was making her laugh more, and the whole time i was like "where the fuck is that sound coming from??"

It was so annoying, you could hear it clear across the store. I thought she was dying, cause it made no sense to me how someone could be making that noise unintentionally.

I didn’t even see her until she walked past the Customer Service desk where I worked, and I just stared in awe at this weird short white girl with nasty long hair laughing with that high pitched noise with some gay dude hugging her as he was laughing.

I guess he was laughing at her laugh, which in turn made her laugh even more.

After they left, another worker from the other side of the store popped her head out from behind a rack of clothing, and looked towards me, asking "Did you HEAR that?? What WAS that???"

That was weird.