A young hillbilly couple went to the state fair and tried the tunnel of love for the first time. After they came out, a friend asked the hillbilly how it was.
“I didn’t like it,” answered the boy. “It was dark and scary and we got soaking wet.”
The friend was confused. “Did the boat leak?” he asked.
The hillbilly looked at him in surprise and said, “There’s a boat?”
Did you hear about the dummy who tried to water ski behind a row boat?
“Seaman Smith,” said the captain, “we’ve been at sea for six months and now we’re in home port. Everyone has left the ship, but you. What’s wrong? Are you the only crewman who doesn’t have a wife in port?”
“It’s the other way around, Captain,” said the seaman. “I’m the only crewman who’s got a wife in port.”
Girl: Honey, this boat leaks.
Boy: only at one end, darling. We’ll just sit at the other end.
Q: What condition occurs when someone bends over while steering a sailboat?
A: Ruddy cheeks.
nefinn – v. to build a country on the ocean by linking together boats, and inviting people from all around the world to bring their boats and renounce their citizenship of their particular country and call themselves Citizens of the World Ocean. The new continent built out of boats expands as more and more boats link themselves together. The closer you get to the center of the continent, theoretically, the older it gets.
jamindo – n. a fleet of luxury shuttles
There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her “That’s ok.” The woman says “Are you sure?” Jim says, “Yeah, I’m sure God will take care of me.”
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God “You told me you would take care of me! What happened?”
God replied “Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”
—
Another version of this joke:
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.”
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. “Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.” So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. “What happened?” she cried.
“For cryin’ out loud, lady,” God said, “I sent three boats.”
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life –until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies…nothing…only bananas and coconuts.
Four months later, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,’ he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this?’ replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, but, that’s impossible,’ stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forge-able ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” Ed is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no, thank you.’ he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,”the woman replies. “How about a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. “Wow! This woman is amazing!” he muses, “What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean—“, he swallows excitedly, “I can check my email?!”
Q: Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?
A: “Get in the boat!”