Daddy’s Porno

An owl is sitting on a couch, in his tree house (not to be confused with a treehouse, his house is actually IN a tree and not gay). The owl’s wings are doing something near his crotch. The room is dark and you can see the TV’s glare on the owl. Cooing sounds and squawking sounds are coming from the TV.

Just then, Baby Owl comes into the room, and sees Daddy watching pigeon porno. Daddy Owl whips his head around 360 degree without moving his body (because he’s an owl and not a human).

Daddy was astonished to find Baby Owl in the doorway. And where there’s baby owl, there’s that stupid owl bitch mommy owl.

But this particular owl was “Big Mama” from the Fox and the Hound. And she wasn’t called Big Mama for nothing. She had the biggest ass cheeks in town, including the grandma-type lady that is probably still a virgin, or raped the guy next door, (he was raped) anywho…

“WHAT THA FUCK!” Big Mama yelled as she came in ass first. “Now, now. Let me explain dear….” Daddy Owl said. Big Mama said, “What the HELL is this crap? You get off to this shit? Other races of bird?” Big Mama flapped her fat wings around. “Oh baby!” the TV said. Daddy Owl tried to cover up his owl boner. Big Mama said, “Don’t even try to hide it. Its so small you can’t even feel anything happening in an ass as big as mine!”

“Now, now!” Daddy Owl rebutted. “A man has to have a little exotic arousal every now and then to keep the juices goin’, you wouldn’t understand.”

“OH! I understand PLENTY! You call that trickling faucet of yours juice? Its not even enough to fill one of my ass pimples!” Big Mama was furious.

“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! I was voted ‘most likely to have the biggest dick though no one actually measured’ in my class! So shut your trap, bitch!”

While all this was happening, Baby Owl was humping the TV and feeling himself up like crazy. “Look what your perverted-ness did to Junior! He’s humping the fucking TV! Goddamn you, Daddy Owl, I want a divorce!” Big Mama screeched.

Daddy Owl was in deep shit now. If he got a divorce, he’d have to move back in with his parents! And all they did was make their own porn movies to sell. What could Daddy Owl say? It was in the family. Daddy Owl was tired of being in his parents films anyway.

Just then a fairy flies in and makes everyone disappear, and a family of pigeons move in. The Daddy Pigeon was a priest, so instead of legal problems with porn, there would be more interesting illegal problems with the priest molesting eggs. The End.

The Melon Conspiracy

The magical world of Melone. Melone was beautiful place. So green, free from corruption. And so beautiful. From far away, the planet looked like a Honeydew Melon, orbited by a watermelon moon.

The technologically less superior planet of Squashe resented the happiness of Melone. When Melone had all these nice shapen melons, Squashe’s squash was in all messed up shapes, and most looked like huge penises. It wasn’t a very comforting fact to know that you are eating a limp penis. Pumpkins, Squash, Zucchini. The list goes on and on, and no one liked it. People treated Squashe like Squash. They passed it around the table, taking pokes at it and then pass it onto a gullible bastard who would eat the squash. No one liked Squashe. Not even the Squashens.

Squashens absolutely despised the Melonies, and often poked fun at them, even though none of their jokes were even funny. One was: What is the name of a male living on Melone? Melanie!

See? Its-not-funny. Anyway, RoboCop, the leader of Melone, decided enough was enough and RoboCop got all the Melonian armies and whupped Squashe’s ass. Yeah! Alright yessssss! Squashe stinks!!

RoboCop placed Melone’s flag on the highest point of Squashe. And so began the Melonian empire! This is what the flag looked like:

The END

Where Pink Lemonade Comes From

Pink Lemonade comes from the far away land of Lemone, which is of course a democracy. With the creation of Lemonade, the land’s economy skyrocketed, because everyone wanted lemonade. The local stock markets, The Dow Lemon and the NasLemon, were at all-time highs, and people lived prosperously.

Jealous of Lemone’s success in creating lemonade, Limee, the tyrannic nation to the left of Lemone, made Limenade, which was very bitter in taste, but still sold enough to take away from the economy of Lemone.

So Lemone put some food coloring combinations into lemonade, made Pink Lemonade, and stuck it up Limee’s ass. Lemone sold double of what it was before. Lemone rules! Lemone foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Whoooooooooooooo!

Sean’s Breakfast

Sean wanted a quick breakfast so he bought a box of Honey-Wheat Flakes instant cereal. Wheat is nutritious and honey is better for you than cane sugar, he thought. But when he read the food label at home, he saw that the first ingredient in the cereal was actually sugar. Honey was fourth on the list. The wheat in the cereal was really enriched wheat rather than whole wheat. The cereal didn’t seem so nutritious after all. Next time, Sean thought, I’ll read the label before I buy the product.

Lesson For Life

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:

 

“What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?”

 

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

 

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

 

“Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello’.”

 

I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I’ve also never forgotten her name was Dorothy.

Hang Onto Each Other

Too often we feel alone. But there is always someone ready to take our hand. There is a beautiful story of an overworked nurse who escorted a tired, young man to her patient’s bedside. Leaning over and speaking loudly to the elderly patient, she said, “Your son is here.”

 

With great effort, his unfocussed eyes opened, then flickered shut again. The young man squeezed the aged hand in his and sat beside the bed. Throughout the night he sat there, holding the old man’s hand and whispering words of comfort.

 

By morning’s light, the patient had died. In moments, hospital staff swarmed into the room to turn off machines and remove needles. The nurse stepped over to the young man’s side and began to offer sympathy, but he interrupted her.

 

“Who was that man?” he asked.

 

The startled nurse replied, “I thought he was your father!” “No, he was not my father”, he answered. I never saw him before in my life.” “Then, why didn’t you say something when I took you to him?”

 

“I realized he needed his son and his son wasn’t here”, the man explained. “And since he was too sick to recognize that I was not his son, I knew he needed me.”

 

Mother Teresa used to remind us that nobody should have to die alone. Likewise, nobody should have to grieve alone or cry alone either. Or laugh alone or celebrate alone.

 

We are made to travel life’s journey hand in hand. There is someone ready to grasp your hand today. And someone hoping you will take theirs. Remember To Hang On To One Another!

Dominant Genes

Mr. Oliver has curly hair, which is dominant trait (C). Mrs. Oliver also has curly hair. Mr. Oliver has two dominant genes (Cc) and Mrs. Oliver has one dominant gene and one recessive gene (Cc), their child might have either combination, CC or Cc. Because there are no cc or straight hair combinations, all their children will have curly hair.

Mr. Kim is tall, which is a dominant trait (T). Mrs. Kim is short, which is recessive trait (t). Mr. Kim has two recessive genes (tt).

Mr. Sandez has green eyes, which is a recessive trait (b). Mrs. Sandez has brown eyes, which is a dominant trait (B). Mr. Sandez has two recessive genes (bb) and Mr. Sandez has two dominant genes (BB)

Family Ties

It is 1960. Lawrence and Madeleine are married and have no children. Suzanne and Bill are married and have two children, Jeff (a child from Bill’s previous marriage) and Abbey. In 1961, Madeleine dies, and Suzanne and Bill divorce. Suzanne gets custody of Abbey; Bill gets custody of Jeff.

In 1965, Lawrence marries Suzanne and adopts Abbey. A few years later, Lawrence and Suzanne have 2 daughters, Christine and Cynthia. Bill also remarried, and he and his wife, Margaret, have 2 songs, Thomas and Bill Jr.

In 1975, Suzanne dies

In 1980, Lawrence marries Karen. Abbey and her husband of two years have their first child.

In 1982, Karen and Lawrence have twins, Janet and Jeanine.

In 1985, all of the “relatives” gather for Lawrence’s funeral.

We Grow Great By Dreams

“We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter’s evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.”

– Woodrow Wilson, 28th US President

The Mountain Story

“A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain:

“AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

Curious, he yells: “Who are you?”

He receives the answer: “Who are you?”

And then he screams to the mountain: “I admire you!”

The voice answers: “I admire you!”

Angered at the response, he screams: “Coward!”

He receives the answer: “Coward!”

He looks to his father and asks: “What’s going on?”

The father smiles and says: “My son, pay attention.”

Again the man screams: “You are a champion!”

The voice answers: “You are a champion!”

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains: “People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

It gives you back everything you say or do.

Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.

If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.

If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;

Life will give you back everything you have given to it.”

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT’S A REFLECTION OF YOU!”

 

 

— Unknown Author