Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, “My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside.”
“What does she read?” asks Morris.
“My life insurance policy.”
The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.
That shows you how strange life is for race-horses.
You win the race, you wind up on the front of a stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.
A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft’s capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, “Gramma, could I have a quarter?”
Police officers in Brockton, Massachusetts received a call regarding an injured animal lying on a street corner.
When they arrived at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car.
But according to the local newspaper, the police report stated that the dog was okay and “refused medical treatment.”
A lawyer walks into his client’s death row cell and says, “I’ve got good news, and bad news for you.. ”
The prisoner says. ” Okay. What’s the bad news? ”
“The bad news is that the Governor won’t issue a stay of your execution…you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight.”
“Oh, that’s horrible. What possibly could be the good news?”
“The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!”
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver’s license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well.
She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.
“Could you get a little closer?” the examiner asks.
The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner.
“Now what?”
Q: What shellfish lifts weights?
A: Mussels.
Both sides of our family turned out for my wife’s college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma’s, he requested, “Will all the ‘cum laudes’ please stand up?”
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, “Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!”
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.
“When did you first notice the leak?” the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled.
“Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”
Two muffins are in an oven.
One says “It’s hot in here.”
The other says, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”
Q: What do you call a crow on a wire?
A: An a-crow-bat! (acrobat)
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
David dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, “How did things go for you back on Earth?”
David says, “Not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage, and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.”
“Great,” says St Peter, “What was it you did while you were alive?”
“Oh, I was in Real estate.”
“Oh good, come on in” says the Saint.
Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions.
“Yes, well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car’s paid for and they should be OK with things.”
“Oh good, come on in.”
Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy.
“Yes, well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.”
“Oh well,” says St. Peter.
“And which band was it that you played with?”
A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they’re having trouble making love. “Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?” asks the guy.
The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says “OK.”
He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says “Well, things look pretty good to me, you don’t seem to have any problems.” To which the couple respond with “things don’t feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance?.”
The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says “Look, I really don’t see any problem here, in fact I wish my love-making was as good. Why do you keep coming back?”
The young man says “Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don’t make much money. She’s married to this other guy who works from home so we can’t go there. I can’t afford to take her to a motel. This place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.”