A man walked into a doctor’s office with his suit ripped and his arms and face bleeding.
The nurse took one look at him and asked, “Have an accident?”
The man replied, “No thanks, I already had one.”
Joke #11983
A guy rushed into a hardware store and shouted to the clerk, “Hurry up and sell me a mousetrap.”
The clerk turned his back and said, “I’ll be with you in a minute.”
The customer yelled, “Darn it, just don’t stand there. I have to catch a bus.”
The clerk replied, “I’m sorry, Mac, we don’t have a trap that big!”
Joke #11982
I’m a loser. If it was raining soup, I’d be standing outside with a fork.
Joke #11981
WIFE: “Why are you home so early, dear?”
HUSBAND: “The boss fired me today because of illness.”
WIFE: “He fired you because of illness? I don’t get it.”
HUSBAND: “Well, he said he was sick of me.”
Joke #11980
“Don’t you work in the shirt factory?”
“Yes. I do.”
“Why aren’t you working today then?”
“Because we’re making nightshirts this week.”
Joke #11979
GROCER: “May I help you, Miss?”
MISS: “Yes. How much are those tomatoes?”
GROCER: “80 cents a pound.”
MISS: “Do you raise them yourself?”
GROCER: “Yep. yesterday they were 70 cents a pound.”
Joke #11978
OVERHEARD (in restaurant):
PATRON: “Do you have pig’s feet?”
WAITER: “No. These are new shoes and I just walk that way.”
Joke #11977
I’m so unpopular. Last year I ran for political office and didn’t get a single vote, not even my own.
Joke #11976
LADY: “Sir, you have a filthy mouth!”
OLD MAN: “That’s impossible. My teeth spend every night in a glass of water.”
Joke #11975
People are always criticizing my looks. After I took out my last blind date, she went home and reported having a close encounter of the third kind.
Joke #11974
I’m so dumb. I just found out a Ukrainian is a person. I thought it was a bone in your neck.
Joke #11973
Sometimes I think of myself as a big bunion on the little toe of life.
Joke #11972
In high school, my teacher told me I’d never be anything when I grew up. Well, now that I’m finally grown up, I proved one thing — she was absolutely right!
Joke #11971
As a man, I’m a failure. Even before I was born, I was a failure. My parents wanted a girl.
Joke #11970
I wanted to get a job as a clerk-typist, but I didn’t know how to type clerks.