HEALTH TEACHER: “How do we prevent tics?”
HAROLD: “Don’t wear watches.”
Joke #18091
Mr. Cummings went to see his doctor.
The physician couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw radishes growing out of Mr. Cummings’ mouth.
“Well, that’s unusual,” said the doctor.
“You’re not kidding!” replied Mr. Cummings. “I swallowed pumpkin seeds.”
Joke #18090
Q: Why did the tree surgeon buy another office?
A: He was branching out.
Joke #18089
A duck with a Band-Aid on his nose went to see his doctor.
“Are you hear about your beak?” asked the nurse.
“No,” said the duck, “I’m here about my bill.”
Joke #18088
Q: What’s the best medicine for a sick hog?
A: Pig pen-acillin.
Joke #18087
Q: What do you get when you cross James Bond with a pharmacist?
A: License to pill.
Joke #18086
Q: How do you tell the difference between a Xerox machine and the flu?
A: One makes facsimiles and the other makes sick families.
Joke #18085
MOM: “Did you take an aspirin for that cold?”
SON: “Yes, I did.”
MOM: “Bayer?”
SON: “That’s how I caught it in the first place.”
Joke #18084
Q: What kind of doctors make fish look younger?
A: Plastic sturgeons.
Joke #18083
Q: Where do sick boats go?
A: To the dock-tor.
Joke #18082
Q: Where do sick fire trucks go?
A: To the hose-pital.
Joke #18081
Q: Why did the automobile cough?
A: It was car sick.
Joke #18080
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los Angeles Dodgers one night.
Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.
Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turns to me and says… “That was nice! How many of those do you get a game?”
Joke #18079
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
“Churchill Downs?” he asked. “That’s the race-track, isn’t it?”
We nodded. He hesitated and then said, “I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere south of the university. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can be much help.”
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked
at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, “Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can’t miss ’em!”
Joke #18078
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
“Wow,” she gushed, “you’re an expert.”
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but…trying not to seem egotistical, I responded… “Once you get going, it’s pretty easy!”
She looked puzzled and wondering if I’d misunderstood her I asked, “What did you just say?”
She replied, “I said, your neck’s burnt!”