There’s a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.
You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.
A Texan, trying to impress a Boston native with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, says “Why, I’ll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston.”
“Humpf! Ever hear of Paul Revere?” asked the Bostonian.
“Paul Revere?!” said the Texan. “Isn’t he the guy who ran for help?”
I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie.
“These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish,” I complained.
He asked, “Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?”
I replied, “It doesn’t matter if you Windsor knot, it’s how you play the game!”
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law’s house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).
Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going to call it, “The Buck Stops Here,” and my slogan was going to be, “Bambi: You’ve seen the movie. Now, eat the star!”
A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California’s Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.
He immediately sent them a telegram which read, “Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!”
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the “Are you going to park there?” look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn’t want the space.
“You must be single,” he replied. “If you were married, you would’ve known that was the universal sign for ‘Go ahead and take the spot. I’m waiting for my wife.'”
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, “Hoover!” under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!”
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!”
By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover”.
“It’s the biggest dam I know.” he replied.
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, “Bill… you look better in person than you do on paper.”
A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”
He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”
Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker.
Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration.
“Laugh all you want,” Don told them, “At least my truck will still be there when I get home.”
I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family’s lack of holiday rituals.
“My family doesn’t have any traditions,” she complained. “We just do the same thing year after year after year.”
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, “Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?” Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, “Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, “those lesson plans were covered in the grant.”
I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at “Mallory Square” to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.
They would reply, “How often is that?”
When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)
Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. “My, what was that?” exclaimed the woman.
“Oh, that’s just the Presidential Seal,” replied the guide.