Category Archives: World

Articles about the world.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

The Lost Money Theory

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There is a lot of money that goes unspent.  In fact it is so unspent that it is LOST.

I’m not talking about money burned down in a fire or whatever.  I’m talking about money that still exists in the form it was created in, but is in a place where it will never be used again.

Take for example, a lowly penny on the ground.  Pennies are worth less than the metal that is used to create it.  Not only is this two cent piece of metal only worth one cent, but to some its not even worth keeping.  It gets thrown away into a trash can or stuffed into an empty soda bottle and shipped off to a landfill.

How many thrown away coins are sitting in landfills right now?  How much “accidentally” thrown away money is sitting somewhere never to be used again?

It is in my professional opinion that there is enough to take a damper on the economy.  We’ve ultimately wasted resources to create things that are meant to be used, only to have them thrown away.  How many millions of times would that penny have passed through hands?  How many times would that torn up one dollar bill been passed through a stripper’s ass crack?

These are trying times, friends.  We need to take a look at how we physically use our money.  We need to make sure every penny is spent wisely, and not thrown away.  We need to press our pennies into weird shapes at amusement parks for 50 cents.  Avoid throwing pennies into wishing fountains that do not get cleaned out regularly.  A lake is not a wishing fountain, do not throw your nickels and dimes into lakes.  Instead, throw it off the Empire State Building, where it can implant itself into someone’s head, to be removed at a later date and spent on a Snickers bar by the doctor who just spent 8 hours in surgery trying to remove it.

We must not devalue the very thing that is tantamount to our culture — money.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

“Immigration Interview” Breakdown

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This entry is part 6 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I kid you not, this is the exact text from which I found on a poster board at my high school.  The spelling and grammar errors are exactly as they appeared on this poster board.  I found this around 2004, and wrote up my part of the article when posting.

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“An interview with Helen
Made by her son Michael

Q: What was your impression of America before today?
A: peaceful life and today my view of America is I hope there are no more wars”

I don’t even know where to begin.  How is it a view of America to “hope there are no more wars”?  You make it sound like America has always been in a war.  I guess we’ve been in one for 10 years, and since this was answered around 2004, guess you’re very not impressed by America anymore or something.

“Q: Why did you leave Burma so suddenly?
A: a riot broke out in the city I was living in from a group from Chinese government”

One riot and that makes you get on a boat and go 5000 miles across an ocean?  I’m sure there’s something more, I don’t know, MEANINGFUL to pick from a list of reasons for leaving Burma.

“Q: if you went back in time and if did not have to any place you went what would it be?
A: China”

You’re not even from fucking-China.  You’re from fucking Burma!  Also, what the fuck kinda question is that to ask?  Who the fuck cares if she can go back in time to an indistinct era to just “go somewhere.”  What the fuck is she gonna do by going back in time?

“Q: Why did you immigrate to Canada instead straight to America
A: the weather was good and there are many more job opportunity”

So, when you got on the boat to go to Canada, they handed you a brochure which outlined “the weather is good” and “there are many more job opportunity?”  How the fuck do you know that if you’re getting on a boat in Burma?

“Q: what the reason that most of your family members stayed in Canada instead of coming down?
A: the health care union was very good”

And I guess you didn’t care enough about health care which prompted your movement to the United States?  I don’t get it.  If you were so inclined to move, then why not the rest of your family?  This is about as ridiculous as the reason you chose to leave Burma.  This woman sounds very finicky.

“Q: in your opinion how is life in the United States differ from life in Canada?
A: there is more stress in America while in Canada it is more of a relaxing life”

Not only does she leave Canada for nondescript reasons, she says Canada is BETTER than the United States.  Why the fuck didn’t she just go back to Canada if it was too stressful for her?

“Q: if there were no riots in Burma would you have still made the immigration to America?
A: most likely because I wanted a better life”

Yeah, right!  You just said the only reason you left Burma was because of the riots.  I don’t think you actually know what you would have even done.  How would you know if the weather was good or not if it wasn’t for that handy brochure they passed out on the Passage to America boating line?

“Q: what is one thing that is important to you in America?
A: My job”

So, let me get this straight.  Your son, interviewing you for his class, asks you what is important to you in America.  And you say your job.  You don’t say your son, who is standing right there asking you this question, hoping to hear something that would make him learn how to write English better, but no.  You throw it back into his face and tell him that your stinking 9-5 that you somehow convinced someone to let you have is more meaningful to you than your son or your family in America.

“Q: what is the most charitable thing you have coming to America?
A: security, financial stability, and many others”

This question doesn’t make any sense.  On top of that, the answer makes even less sense.  How the fuck is security and financial stability even considered charitable?  What the hell does it even mean to have something charitable by coming to America?   English is hard.

–

In closing, this lady is fucking stupid.  Just looking at her responses makes you wonder what the hell she was smoking.

No wonder American values are going down the drain, stupid foreigners are teaching their children that the most important thing in life is your job, and not your family or something like that that is more important.  Even non-foreigners are teaching their children this.  I blame everyone.

I hate older generations.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Mathematical Formula: Appropriate Dating Age

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If you’re wondering what the youngest “socially acceptable” age for dating someone would be, it’s pretty simple to figure out.

All you do is divide your age by 2, then add 7.  As long as you’re 14 and over, this formula works.  Here’s a few examples:

14 year old can date a 14 year old

18 year old can date a 16 year old.

20 year old can date a 17 year old.

26 year old can date a 20 year old.

40 year old can date a 27 year old.

80 year old can date a 47 year old.

The only time this breaks down is when you are trying to figure it out if you’re 13 or less.  You shouldn’t be dating at that age anyway, so you shouldn’t be trying to figure it out.

Now, it might not exactly be “legal” to date a 17 year old if you’re 20 in certain states, or even 18 to date a 16 year old.  But that’s besides the point of the formula.  Whether or not it’s “socially acceptable” is what you’re trying to figure out.  It is basically trying to easily let you figure out if you should be going out with someone of a drastically younger age than you, and if it would be perceived as odd.

As long as the divide by 2 add 7 formula checks out, and they’re the age or older of the product of the equation, then you’re good!

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

To Hell With Your Month-Long Holidays!

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I hope its not just me, but I find it unbelievably pretentious to name a whole month after a super-specific idea.  It pisses me off every time we hit Black History Month.  Excuse me, I think that month is actually called FEBRUARY.  Sorry if I don’t think your stupid cancer awareness or asian pacific heritage deserves one twelfth of the year to be devoted to your seemingly important cause.

These kinds of holidays should only be allowed to claim one day or at most one week of the year.  There are 365 days.  Pick ONE of those, you greedy assholes.  I hear there’s a bunch of days in August where nothing happens, how about one of those?  Why do I have to hear about your sanctimonious bullshit for a whole god damn month?  We get it.  You want us to learn about you. Wah wah cry me a river.  Why don’t you go do something meaningful with your time rather than parading around saying “OH IT’S CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!”

Shit.  I wasn’t aware of cancer.  But I sure as hell am now considering there’s a whole fucking month named after it.  HOORAY!

Just looking at the list of month long holidays on Wikipedia, I’m astounded half of them exist.  Here’s a current list of stupid bullshit month-long holidays:

American Heart Month • Asian Pacific American Heritage Month • Black History Month • Cancer Control Month • Child Abuse Prevention Month • Confederate History Month • Gay and Lesbian Pride Month • Jewish American Heritage Month • National Breast Cancer Awareness Month • National Disability Employment Awareness Month • National Hispanic Heritage Month • National Nutrition Month • Ramadan • Steelmark Month • Women’s History Month

I’m giving you the big FU to all of it.  I am now founding “I Hate Month-Long Holidays” Year — and it’ll be the whole year long every year until the rest of time.  How do you like that????

It’s also amazing to me that you only care about preventing child abuse one month out of the year, but the rest of the time its a-okay (unless you get caught)!

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

USA: “Blame” In American Society

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Americans have a tendency to shift the “blame” of something on to something else.

Examples:

– “Homosexuality is biological. Its not my fault I’m gay! It’s the way I was born!”

– “It wasnt my fault I killed my friend, that movie/video game/tv show/song made me do it!”

– “I don’t know where my child learned how to shoot his teachers. It must have been those video games, not me beating my child or my horrible parenting skills!”

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It doesn’t stop there, either. Global warming — its the corporations fault that they aren’t building better cars! Not ours!

Typically when you are “blamed” for something, in American society, you never want to take that blame — it HAS to be something else. and that is typically the social institution, genetics, or big corporations.

In more particular with homosexuality, there is a large part of the community that seems to want to pass their sexual preference off as basic to the genetic level. They were built that way — not socialized or events in their life that make their brains wire differently in that department after the fact. I personally find it a bunch of horse shit, and its just a way to shift the “blame” onto something else that is out of their “control.”

The only reason its gaining any steam is because there is still a stigma against gay/lesbian people, that that community seems to want to find themselves a scapegoat. They can’t blame society since not everyone is a gay/lesbian. They can’t blame corporations, since they’re too busy trying to make money, not caring that individual people with individual lives/circumstances actually exist. So it has to be genetics! Great! That’s an easy target, since NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Intersections: Phenomena or Conspiracy?

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Stupid intersections.

For example, you’re walking down the street, toward an intersection of 2 streets. As you walk toward it, not a car is there, but…as you get closer and you’re about to go across the street, the cars come from all ways, making your crossing all the more difficult, not to mention all the people driving the cars are usually idiots, almost running you over and such. Or if they don’t see you and cut in front of you, smiling and waving.

CROCK OF SHIT THAT’LL DO FOR YOU, THEY ALMOST RAN ME THE FUCK OVER, WHY SHOULD I BE SMILING AND WAVING BACK TO THEM? “THANKS FOR ALMOST RUNNING ME OVER, YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME!”

Then, as soon as you go across, they’re gone. No more cars. Its all bullshit really, its like all those people plan to go into the intersection at the same time as you.

Is it a conspiracy? Maybe.

Is it a phenomena? I don’t give a shit.

I’m just pissed off at intersections, and you should hate them too.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

5 Is the Max: The Phone Call Theory

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So, say you want to call your good friend so you can go hang out somewhere and possibly go somewhere to eat. Now, let’s put two of your favorite people in the world, davepoobond and Soup Nazi into this situation. Soup Nazi’s phone is fucked up for whatever reason, and davepoobond is trying to call him so they can go and do something, like eat a burger. Davepoobond not being able to contact Soup Nazi is a predicament, now, isn’t it? How many times is “enough” to try and contact a friend so you can go and do something together because you’re bored? Davepoobond and Soup Nazi are good friends, but not good enough to warrant any more than a maximum of five calls from davepoobond. Anything more than five calls may and SHOULD be translated as a stalker or someone that is trying to get into your pants.

The rule I propose is that if you are trying to contact someone just to hang out and do nothing important in particular, you are given a maximum of five tries to contact someone. The count resets once you actually make contact. However, this should never be broken unless you ABSOLUTELY need something from this particular person you’re calling. The only thing that would qualify for the need would be something like large amounts of money (we’re talking tens here, baby), ass, returning of a loaned out item, drugs (if you really need a hook up), or if your liver is about to fall out. In these cases, you’re allowed one extra call, adding up to six.

You’re a fucking psycho if you call someone more than five or six times.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

USA: Rose Gardens

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Another true story about the folks on my street

One day I was sitting on my porch and a woman comes up with a shovel.
She looks a bit on the crazy side,so I sit and watch to see what she’s going to do.
Looks around then starts digging up the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street in front of my house.

My mom comes outside to see what I’m up to and sees the woman.By this time she had a nice sized hole going on and a pile of dirt in our yard.My mother freaked out and asked her what she was doing.
the shovel woman responded “My landlord wants me to plant roses in front of my house,so that’s what I’m going to do.” My mom told her to leave,and that this was our house.So the woman left without a fight.

The next day,as I was walking to school,I saw a hole dug in everyone’s yard on my street…most of them were several feet deep.She never came back to plant those roses,and all the houses have huge circles of dirt where she dug up the grass and it never grew back.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

—————————————-

Bonus Question:

 

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

 

Therefore, no souls are leaving.

 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

 

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

 

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

 

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which soul! s enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will i ncrease until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in getting a date with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.”

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

 

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Squirrels From Hell

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For years now the great Squirrel Army has been trying to conquer the world, unbeknown to the public. Through their clever and devious military tactics, they have succeeded thus far in conquering the sixteen (16) small countries in Africa and Asia, including; Gambia, Guinea-Bissau, Comoros, Lesotho, Mauritius, Swaziland, Reunion (which they call Crap Land, for some reason-maybe they don’t like the French), Oman, East Timor, Bhutan, Kyrgyz Stan, Turkmenistan, North Korea (yes, Squirrels have nukes!), Tajikistan, Cyprus, and Maldives. Well, I said included, but that’s all of them. Don’t complain; now you know where not to go!

Only the amazing defenders of all things not Evil Squirrel related, the Uber-Peanut Army (or Peanut Army for shortish) has stopped them from a more complete conquest. Yes, you read that right! Super Peanuts are at war with Evil Squirrels in order to stop them from taking over the world!

Not too long ago, in fact, the Squirrels were close to winning, but in what seemed like the end of all things non-Evil Squirrel related, new hope arose; the Great and Mighty Almost-All Powerful Orange Peanut!

Now, as you know (or at least I do) anything Orange (with a capitol O, that is) is magical. Now, in Orange Peanut, the O is most definitely capitol, so the logical conclusion is that Orange Peanut is magical, right? Of course it’s right! So, this Orange Peanut was a magical Super Peanut who rose to be the leader of the Peanut People and…um…uh…hmmm….*thinking of words*………laid the smack-down on those friggin’ Squirrels!

Well, he actually didn’t do it by himself, or with just him and his Peanut Army; he help from a Singing Cat named Juke (that is; Juke the Singing Cat), but that’s a REALLY long story, so for now we’ll just say he did it alone.

After he whooped the Squirrel Army’s ass, he began a top secret project (actually his scientists did, but it was really his idea). It was a really good plan, meant to make a super race of Peanuts. And guess what? It worked.

After three long years working, his scientist devised a plan to make all the Peanut People into Super Peanuts; they painted the entire populace of Peanut City (for security reasons I can’t tell where that is-never trust anyone!) Orange and changed their name’s from Peanut People to Orange Peanut People (the city was also called Orange Peanut City). Now that all the Peanuts were magical, the easily kept the Squirrels at bay, but failed to defeat them because the Squirrels had gained a new ally; Brussels-Sprouts!

I know Brussels-Sprouts aren’t Orange, but they ARE magically EVIL! I mean, they stink, they taste bad, and they give you really bad gas! Can’t much more magically evil than that, can you?

Well, enough un-important details (for now)! I really should get back to the history of the Orange Peanuts.

So anyway, the Orange Peanut People fought bravely (and magically) for many, many years. After many, many years, though, they decided that their name-Orange Peanut People-was way to long and ugly, so they shortened it to Orange Peanuts. That’s a lot better, huh?

Ever since then (which was a rather ling time ago) the Orange Peanuts have been fighting and dieing bravely to protect everything non-Evil Squirrel related.

So help the cause; if you see a squirrel that looks even mildly evil, kill the bitcher!

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Bitch Slap or Pimp Smack?

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I have a question… Whats the difference between a bitch slap and a pimp smack? I mean if you bitch slap a person that means your slapping them cause they’re a bitch right?… Well if you pimp smack someone then your slapping them because they’re a bitch.. This is one of those questions that will go down as the greats.. right around… “Is I cannot belive its not butter.. butter actually in disguise?…”

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Plastic Straws

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Ok, there is something i really do not get, thoes stupid plastic straws that come in colorful, fun-looking bags, then when you open them, it is just a bunch of cheap stupid CRAP!! I mean, you cant even drink with them, its just one of those things thats supposed to help you do something, but just really messes you up more than anything!! you see, whenever you stretch out the little bendy parts of it, it gets a hole in it, so being the stupid person that you are, you dont notice and you go about your business, doing whatever, while you try to slurp on your crap and grape juice gets

all over you!

so then when you write a complaint letter to the stupid company and they dont even bother to write back, because they have the whole “im better than you because i make colorful straws that dont work for a living, and you are just some idiot with grape juice on your shirt” kinda attitude!! stupid plastic straw thingys!!