Category Archives: Dave’s Kingdom

Stories/rants about dave’s current city/town, school, or job area.

Dave's Kingdom, Dreams

Dream #25786

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I had a dream about a party at my parent’s house with tons of random “family” members, even dead ones.

Melissa Joan Hart was there and she knew me and waved.  A pair of twin brothers named Eddie and Edik I hadn’t met before were also there.

There was some sort of evaluation sheet that allowed me to jump back and forth to see their degradation in smartness or something and if they changed over time, it would give a status about them.

In the family room, I wanted wine but my mom would keep pouring watered-down sparkling water and then pour some wine afterwards, despite not wanting that.  I finally took the wine myself and then left to go to another room.

In the other room was a room full of young hipster-type people.  I was done with my “family” and decided to go into the next room with those people.  They were all huddled around the couch playing some board game, and there was about 15 to 20 of them and not all of them were playing.  They all looked at me but didn’t know who I was.  I said “Hi, my name is Dave and I’m an alcoholic” as a joke, but they thought I was serious and asked if I was an alcoholic.

I remember something about “The Mayor” (not a real person) showing up at the party and then all of a sudden there were gun shots or something like that, someone was trying to kill him or me, I don’t know.  I woke up at that point.

Dave's Kingdom, Dreams

Dream #25785

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The dream starts with me launching two ICBMs while on the freeway.  Unsure where they went, but they didn’t explode.  I got arrested but was taken to a school convention instead of a jail.  I left overnight, then woke up and was arrested again outside the market place I was dropped off at.  I then called elmoisfurry to warn him about the whole situation since he was supposedly there too.

Then I woke up.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

Mr. Burnfur’s Grading Scale

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Mr. Burnfur’s Grading scale is really the worst you could see, he makes it so that people that aren’t in shape have to work harder but still get less points than people that are in shape that do the same work and the same effort, but get more points, in P.E.

At one time in the year when our grades were posted up, half the class had over 100%, one even had 150%, while one person had a negative 3%. Who knows how the hell you’d get negative 3%? It didn’t even exist until Mr. BurnFur posted those grades up.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

dustbusting my keyboard again

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Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

Letter to Scott the Naturalist

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I wrote this as a “thank you” note to Scott, who was a Naturalist at a school camp I was forced to go to in 6th grade.

–

March 16, 1998

Dear Scott,

My name is davepoobond, and I was in your group (duh, I wouldn’t be writing to you then). My favorite activities were eating and sleeping.

One special thing I learned was to never ever climb up a mountain more than 3 inches tall. I learned this from OUCHY-OUCHY Mountain and going up the “Check This Out” trail. It should’ve had a big sign that said, “ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE!!!!!” and it should’ve been called, “ The Freaky Trail from HECK!!!!!”

Sincerely,
davepoobond

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

My Geometry Test Grades

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I took Geometry in 10th grade in high school.  We had to get each one of our test grades signed off by our parents.  Pretty much after every test I got a lecture from my mom.  I was pretty bad at geometry, mostly because of the proofs.

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1st semester:

72
39
74
57
57
32
80
58
74
72

2nd semester:

50
73
66
66
72
91
43
86
46
80

–

Pretty hilarious, really.  I ended up getting a C anyway, so I didn’t have to retake the class during summer.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

The 20 Dollar Issue

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This entry is part 26 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A customer said that he placed 20 dollars and some change on the counter for a mug.  The total of the transaction was about 10.79 for the travel mug (which looks like it was a 9.99 mug).

When the cashier rung up the mug and began to bag it, the cashier turned away and then the money was no longer there.  The cashier turned to see that only 80 cents was there.

The customer claimed to me personally that he had “handed” her the first bill.  This did not jive with the security footage as we did not see him place any bill in her hand directly, and only saw him place things on the counter, which may or may not have included the bill in question.

The cashier said she seemed to think the customer had placed the 20 back into his pocket only to take it out again and place it on the counter, but she wasn’t entirely sure.

My take on it, is if that he had somehow put the 20 back into his pocket before he started putting change on the counter, it’s possible that ALL of his hand motions directly motioning to the counter might not be any bills at all, but only the coins after he was digging through his pockets.  I know for sure that it didn’t seem like he handed her anything directly.

As an aside, the cashier mentioned that the guy had exchanged a shirt that he had “won” earlier that day with a clothing rep for an even exchange with no money.  This all happened at about 6:20 pm.

At closing, 7:00 pm, he said he essentially wanted to take the mug without paying for it because he was “out 20 dollars.”  I told him we couldn’t let anything out of the store without it being paid for, so he eventually agreed to give me his information and his name, and then he bought the mug “again.”  I told him prior to this that we were gonna have an officer come by and help with the situation because I didn’t want to question the cashier out in the open or anything like that and make the guy mad.  He said he had to go, at which point he paid for the mug.

I had another cashier count out that register, just to make sure no conflict of interest arose.  The customer had basically agreed that the register hadn’t opened at all, plus I never saw it open on the video, so there’s that, as well.

What ended up happening after all of this, was my manager basically met the customer halfway and offered a 20 dollar gift card for the store that was to be picked up by his daughter.  I never heard anything more about it getting picked up after a couple of times of asking if it ever was, and it wasn’t.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

My Decision to Receive Christ As My Saviour

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Note: This was in the back of a bible.

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Confessing to God that I am a sinner, and believing that the Lord Jesus Christ died for my sins on the cross and was raised for my justification, I do now receive and confess Him as my personal saviour.

Name: Dave “Satan” Poobond
Date: 6/6/6

—

This is such a crock of shit, because it was Jesus’ fault, not mine for dying at the cross.  He was the one going around praising religion and crap that got him into deep shit and nailed to fucking planks.  Don’t make ME take the blame for it, you bastard prophets that wrote the Bible!

Learn how to spell savior, at least!

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom, Dreams

Dream #23037: The Chip Dream

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I wrote this in 2002.

–

I remember in a dream I had, that I was stuck somewhere listening to some guy who was talking about chips, and something about “maximum dipping power.”

He was explaining the measurements and junk about the chips and there was this other person saying “come on come on let’s go” to me, but I didn’t because I was interested.

Next I knew I was driving a car in a parking lot looking for a parking space.

Then I woke up.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom, Dreams

Dream #23036: The Baseball Dream

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I wrote this in 2002.

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I had a dream that I was the best pitcher on a baseball team, but I knew I wasn’t any good.

So this big championship game or something was there, but I didn’t get dressed, because when I put on my shoes, they caught on fire, then I put the fire out by blowing on it, but it relit, so I put it under the sink and it went out.

But it relit again and I just let it burn.

So the scene changed to the baseball game, and when I wasn’t there, they had a 2 foot tall 10 year old pitch for them instead.

They were losing pretty badly, when the assistant coach finally found me at home, and he said “we’re losing, you have to get dressed and play!” But I said, “no, I don’t want to get dressed!”

Then I woke up.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dreams

Dream #23034: The Moon Blew Up

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I wrote this in 2002.

–

I had a dream that I was out in the desert or something. The sand was red and there weren’t any trees, but big rocks every so often. There were a lot of people there, and there were a lot of houses. I wasn’t too far from my house. I looked up at the moon (which was very close). It was really hot, and the moon turned around pretty fast, and it looked the same except it had its own “red eye storm” like Jupiter. It’s kind of hard to describe. Anyway I pointed it out to my mom, and she said “that’s normal, they throw all our trash up there, you know?”

I thought “hmm, all that plastic up there is burning making it hot down here…” It seemed like it was raining fire from the moon. All of a sudden, it blew up. Everyone started screaming and went back inside their homes. After the moon rocks fell, I went over to my friends house, and there was my Grandma. She said his family wasn’t there because my friend was at the hospital. She pointed out the window shutters on the window, and said something about how cheap they were because a rock fell through. Then she disappeared.

Then it rained rocks again.  Afterwards, I was crying and I turned on the TV. To get my mind off everything, I turned on the TV and watched cartoons, while there was another TV with the news on. It had a bunch of people talking about the moon blowing up, and how it was more horrible than September 11. The rocks fell again all of a sudden for the last time. I went outside to see what happened, and there were a lot of people on hospital beds, screaming because trash and rock shot into their body.

I woke up then. What a weird dream. I could barely describe it all. You should’ve dreamed it yourself…to truly understand.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

Going Blind

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I wrote this in 7th grade.

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If I had only three days of sight left on the first I would want to start learning Braille (Braille would be in place of school), at least I would be 3 days closer to learning how to read Braille. After that I would play video games and computer games for an hour. Then I will look at my family and try to remember what their faces look like then I would go to bed.

On the second day I would get up at 5:00 AM and play video games and computer games until it was time for me to learn Braille for six hours then I would go outside and look at the trees, the sky, the cloud, the little dog running up to me like it was attacking me then I would go inside and play video games and computer games for two hours then I would look at my family’s faces then I would stay up all night and watch TV.

On the third day I will watch TV, play video games, and computer games until it was time to learn Braille then after that I would look at my house from the outside, then I would look at my family’s faces then go to bed and hope sometime during my life we will have the technology to have eye transplants.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

The Sour Lemon Lady

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This entry is part 25 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A lady came and asked if there was a graduation tassel on hold for her and it was supposed to be at customer service for her. I said I didn’t have anything like that for her (asking her name and what kind it was supposed to be).  She said that she talked to the manager directly about it and she had gotten a call from “some girl with a fancy name” last week and told them to hold it, even though she had gotten it months before.  So I spent about 5 to 10 minutes trying to track down the manager (he wasn’t there), then asked if any of the gear representatives knew about any tassel on hold for this lady by the manager.  No one knew.

I eventually asked the gear department supervisor if she knew where the manager would put something like that and she said she didn’t know, so she called him, left him a message, and we waited for him to call.  In the mean time I went back and told the lady we don’t know anything about this item and I resumed to ask the lady for her number so we can call her back when we found out more info about it.

The manager calls during this time and says he didn’t know anything about it, so we ask the lady again who called her and asked her how she paid for it. She eventually says she did a phone order, which would still imply that a gear department rep would have helped her. The supervisor asked me if Web would have it, but I told her they would only have it if THEY did the web order, not if the lady had talked to the gear manager about it since they are COMPLETELY different departments with different procedures and managers. So the lady looked through her call log to see who called her, and it was the web department.

Once we found that out, I said I would call them, and then the lady accused me all of a sudden — “SEE YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED THEM, SHE WAS TELLING YOU THAT WEB HAD DONE IT OVER AND OVER BUT YOU SAID NO NO NO NO”

All I could say was “Ummm…”  I eventually called Web and they brought down her stupid tassel and she left.

LIKE ITS MY FUCKING FAULT SHE DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW WHO SHE TALKED TO AND SHE SAID THAT PETER KNEW ALL ABOUT IT BUT HE DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING.

FUCK THAT LADY FUCK HER

Dave's Kingdom

Scam Call From Local Exchange

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I had some scammer call a number at work during the beginning of May saying how I had won some cruise or whatever and they want to give me tickets to fly anywhere in the US.

I kept asking “What?” and “Who is this?” and they kept repeating.  The lady had a terribly Mexican accent, so it was half-truth that I could barely understand her over the speakerphone.

All together, I made her wait around on the phone for like 10 mintues before I put her on mute and came back, pretending to be the “owner” of the phone.

As soon as I turned the phone off mute, I asked for their Full Company name, full name of the person calling, the city they are from, their web site, etc without giving any information at all on my end.

What I gathered, they are named:

“Local Exchange”  (pretty generic name, don’t you say?) and they are from San Dimas or Villaverde and “of course” they are from California.

I asked for their web site and she was very hesitant to give me anything and when I asked her again like 3 times, she said, “Of course we have a web site” and then hung up on me.

So, if you get a call from 909-575-1068, then you will know that it is a scam.  They have yet to call the number back, from what I know.  So that’s that.

—

As a result of this call, I wrote the following story for your enjoyment:

https://squackle.com/22568/stories/local-exchange-an-eruption-of-stupidity/