The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight.” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”
“Snow.”
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son,” replied the old man. “But that flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!
Q: Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
A: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
Q: What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
A: Charcoal.
Q: There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
A: Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
Q: A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
A: The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
Q: A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
A: The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive – at his in-laws’ place.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, “When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I’ll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby.”
The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it’s a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, “If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he’ll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over.”
So the father-in-law left the following message: “The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.”
John and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”
John says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they’re sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”
Again, John says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, “There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the – ”
Just then the power goes out and John doesn’t get the rest of the instructions.
He turns to Lena and says “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?”
Lena replies “Aw, John, why don’t you just leave the car in the garage today?”
One night a man – who was in no shape to drive – wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.
“And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife.” said the man.
A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.
“It’s a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse,” I said.
“What could be worse?” my single co-worker asked wryly. “The Let’s Just Be Friends virus?”
Shortly after surgery Sylvia’s mom was transferred to a nursing home for therapy. Since she was on a lot of pain medication Sylvia went along to answer any questions that might be difficult for her to answer in her drug-induced state.
To her amazement Sylvia’s mom was answering all the questions the home’s doctor’s asked clear and concisely. Then he asked if she still had any teeth. She replied “every one of them.”
Before Sylvia could say anything the doctor, obviously impressed, asked if he could see them. Grinning a big toothless grin she said; “They’re at home in their case on top of the toilet tank.”
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, James’ schedule was hectic.
To add to this, he kept running out of household supplies.
James instructed his family to let him know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.
As a reminder, he wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.”
When James checked the pad a few days later, he found the following message:
“MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT ‘OUT OF IT.”‘
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where Paula works, Paula has to ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, she prints it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.
Once when Paula asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas.
Several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses’ station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘Bananas?'”