The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
“Well, that’s great. Just great. Some asshole’s got my pen.”
Q: How many women does it take to drive a car?
A: I don’t know. It’s never been done successfully.
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothin’! You told her twice already!
Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: Because by the time you get there, the only ones that are left are handicap.
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
– Two Italian men and one Italian woman
– Two French men and one French woman
– Two German men and one German woman
– Two Greek men and one Greek woman
– Two English men and one English woman
– Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
– Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
– Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
– Two Irish men and one Irish woman
– Two American men and one American woman
–
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a “ménage à trois.”
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut the fuck up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin’ nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping…
Explorers in Columbus, OH have reported an amazing discovery. They have found traces of a basketball team at The Ohio State University.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. It was the best meal he ever had.
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”.
“No,” she replies… “You just happened to catch my eye.”
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
“You see, there are the originals,” said the first monk. “All the new scrolls were copied from these.”
“Can I see one?”
“Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom–” All of a sudden, the monk’s face turns white and he falls to his knees.
“What? What does it say?”
“Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!”
A baby seal walked into a club…
President Bush and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.” So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW-III”. And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman.”
The guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman!!!, why kill a bicycle repairman?”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”
In a second grade sex-ed class, a little girl raised her hand to ask a question…
–
Little girl: Teacher, can my mommy get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is she?
Little girl: Forty
Teacher: Yes, she can get pregnant.
Little girl: Teacher, can my big sister get pregnant?
Teacher: Well, how old is she?
Little girl: Nineteen.
Teacher: Yes, she certainly can get pregnant.
Little girl: Teacher, can I get pregnant?
Teacher: Umm…how old are you?
Little girl: Seven and two quarters
Teacher: No, you cannot get pregnant.
Little boy sitting behind Little girl (nudging her): See, I told you we had nothing to worry about. (He sticks out his tongue.)
A guy goes on vacation, and finds a rare an exotic porn shop. He goes in and asks the clerk if he has anything special that he could give to his wife.
The guys says that he has a “voodoo dick” which is a one of a kind dildo that fucks whatever you tell it to on demand. The buyer doesn’t believe him and asks for a demonstration. The clerk says, “voodoo dick the door” and the dildo immediately humps the door so vigorously that it falls down. The guy agrees to buy it for a tidy sum, and the clerk tells him to remember that the only way to get it to stop is to say “voodoo dick off.”
So the guy brings it home and his wife is thrilled. The next day while he’s at work, she quickly gets it out and says, “voodoo dick my pussy”. After an hour of this, she has to get ready for work, but she can’t remember how to turn it off, so she tries to drive to her husbands work with the voodoo dick in her.
Unfortunately, she can’t drive like this and swerves all over the road. Eventually, a cop pulls her over and asks what the problem is. She scream, “I can’t get this voodoo dick to stop humping me!”
And the police officer quickly responds, “voodoo dick my ass.”
A man is having an affair with his wife and decides to stay round his new found lovers house for the night. They decide to have an all nighter.
In the morning the lover decides to ask the man how is he going to explain his absence. He tells her to go outside and rub his shoes on the grass. The woman does it, but is confused.
When he goes back to his own house, the wife asks “Where have you been?”
The man replies “I’m sorry but I’m having an affair with you.”
The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You liar, you’ve been out playing golf all night!”
Some guy offers another guy some Tagalong-brand Girl Scout cookies.
“I don’t like ’em,” he says. “They make me puke.”
“Who?” the other guy replies.
“The cookies or the girl scouts?”
Q: Why did the silly baker let mosquitoes bite him?
A: He wanted to make a cake from scratch.