(a guy with a big purple pirate hat walks to the middle of the screen)
Queer-ker Pirate: Hello, I’m the Queer-ker Pirate. Buy my oatmeal. Its real. Its a real meal, that is. Hahaha….
(Queer-ker Pirate walks away)
(end)
Category Archives: Commercials
Commercials made for SBC.
Gary’s Tux n’ Shit
(a man, Gary, is sitting cross legged in a chair)
Gary: you’re gonna love the way you look in one of my suits. Each suit is personally tailored by me or one of my thousands of other employees if you’re not making an annual income of over 3 million dollars, or offering sexual pleasure for free for me. Let’s see some of the tuxedos you can get!
(cuts to men in tuxedos walking out in a model show, with flashing lights and people taking pictures for about 2 minutes. It gets really boring because you can’t really tell any difference between the suits, then a fat man in a pink suit walks out, and everyone stops, and you can hear “whaa?” from everybody)
Fat Man in Pink Suit (in a gay voice): hey guys! The directions you gave me were wrong! I had to give a few BJs to get some information on how to get here.
(cuts to Gary in the corner of the room)
Gary: Larry! Go away! You’re ruining my commercial!
Larry: hi Gary!
(Larry waves gay-like at Gary, not listening to what he said)
Security Guard: HEY FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
(Security Guard walks over to Larry and puts his hands to his hips)
Larry: don’t be so silly, I’m the star of the show!
(Larry pets the Security Guards chest, also gayly)
Security Guard: ok, that’s it! Self defense!
(Security Guard pulls out his nightstick and clocks Larry in the chin)
Larry (on the floor): ow! My chin! I use that for oral sex!
Security Guard: shut up!
(Security Guard takes out a handgun and shoots Larry full of lead)
(cuts back to Gary in the room with him sitting on a chair. He has an amazed look on his face and blinks a few times. He looks back at the camera and then smiles like nothing happened)
Gary: so remember, come on down to Gary’s Tux n’ Shit. If you’re wondering about the “shit” part, we sell lots of accessories for your tuxedo, as well as shit! If we didn’t we’d be sued for false advertising…
(Gary gets up and walks away)
(fade out)
(end)
Cheerleader Outlet
Woman Announcer: Cheerleader Outlet – the world’s GREATEST Cheerleader store!
(products of all types zoom up to the screen, and a crappy “explosion” kind of drawing behind each thing. Behind the product, you can see “the store” with people “shopping”)
(for each thing that comes up, someone names it)
Cheerleader Pam: Skirts! Pom Poms! Glitter! Sweaters! T-Shirts! Glitter! Lube! Condoms! Glitter! We’ve got it ALL here!
(scene cuts to a hot cheerleader, Cheerleader Pam, walking down an aisle of t-shirts, sweaters, skirts, and sweatpants)
Cheerleader Pam: Cheerleader Outlet is THE place to get your cheerleader-needs! Forget those ridiculously expensive magazines selling USED clothes! We get our clothes directly from the factory!
(Cheerleader Pam picks up a pair of socks)
Cheerleader Pam: look at these socks! They’re striped at the top! ONLY $120 EACH sock! And its new! That’s the same price for a used sock from a magazine!
(scene cuts to Cheerleader Pam in a room with Pom Poms hanging off the ceiling from strings)
Cheerleader Pam: we have the largest amount of Pom Poms in one room in the world! We have EVERY color combination and in all sizes! We also have flags for you flaggies out there!
(Cheerleaders come out of nowhere, grabbing Pom Poms and flags and get in formation behind Cheerleader Pam. They all do their cheerleading shit for a minute and end up in a pose with all their asses pointing to the camera)
Cheerleader Pam: its extravagant!
(cuts to Cheerleader Pam walking down the accessories aisle)
Cheerleader Pam: now, we all know that the clothes and the moves only makes you two fourths of a cheerleader. If you want to be a genuine cheerleader, you need some accessories! Like:
(with each thing she says, she grabs it out of the shelves and puts it in her arms)
Cheerleader Pam: Glitter….deoderant…little handbags, lipstick, lip gloss, eye shadow, other expensive makeup in a little bag, candy necklaces, and you can’t forget the lube and condoms!
(she winks)
(scene cuts to another section of the store, where sirens and guns are on display)
Cheerleader Pam: for security, from photographers, boys that just can’t wait, or moms about to walk in on your love making, we offer security systems and other security things, such as Wanguards, and Butt-Hugger Brand Short Shorts for those nasty photographers that think they’re so smart, when we jump into the air, and our skirts fly up…pshhh…ok, come now.
(end)
Whore Paint Supplies
(sexy music is playing)
(the camera pans slowly to the left, and you see two people’s bare legs on top of each other on a couch, moving around)
Lady: oh baby, I just love it when you stick it in…
Guy: shut up bitch, I’m not paying you to talk!
(the camera zooms out, and you see the guy is actually painting someone)
(scene cuts to a kid’s face)
Kid: what the fuck?
(scene cuts to a painter-type looking guy with a goatee)
Jain Starling: hello, I’m a painter. I’m here to tell you about Whore Paint Supplies. I don’t actually endorse these products, but money can make you do anything, in this economy with rising gas, food, and prostitute prices. Here at Whore Paint Supplies you can buy many many things. Including, you guessed it, PAINT!
(cuts to Jain Starling walking down an aisle)
Jain Starling: paint is sooo good I love it, because I’m a painter! But there is a very special aisle, just for paint that you can pain WHORES with! I find it kind of arousing myself, because I love paint, and I love whores! You just put one on each other and I just get so—OH MY GOD!
(Jain Starling drops his pants and reaches down his underwear)
(technical difficulties comes on right away….for 10 minutes)
Jain Starling: ok…I’m finished…
(but then MAW (Mothers Against Whores) busts through the door of Whore Paint Supplies)
Jain Starling: sacré bloo!
Soccer Mom: DESTROY! Whores are the DEVIL! WE Don’t care about their financial state nor the fact they may be drug addicts or have another problem, and would rather kill them than help them, because our husbands are the ones bringing in the money, and all WE do is shop and bitch! LIKE NOW!
Robot Mom: shop and bitch. Shop and bitch! Oooh….I like this paint, but the price is so HIGH!
Jain Starling: FUCK! RUNNNNNN!!!
(Milllions (its seems at least) of mothers storm the building with pitchforks, stabbing every man and whore in sight)
Camera Man: oh fuck oh fuck!
(the camera man is running, so you see the screen shaking around. But then Soccer Mom takes out a shotgun and shoots. Screen goes snowy)
(technical difficulties)
(end)
Hot-Aid
Hot-Aid Guy: ohhhh yeah!
(Hot-Aid Guy is a big pitcher with arms, legs, and full of yellow liquid)
(Hot-Aid Guy is skateboarding up a ramp with 3 other kids, to keep the political correctness of this commercial, its one white girl, one white boy, and an African-American boy)
(they stop skating, and stand in the middle of the ramp)
Jamal: boy, am I sweaty, yo diggity!
John: you said it, Jamal!
Kathy: what should we DO Hot-Aid Guy? I don’t want plain water, I want some powdery stuff from a package in MY water!
Hot-Aid Guy: hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you jump inside me??
Kathy (close up): that’s a GREAT idea!
Jamal: yeah! And to keep up with the corporate – imposed popular culture, we’ll skateboard into you! Yo diggity!
(cuts to a shot behind John doing a McFlip 540 into the Hot-Aid Guy, and then a shot of Kathy grinding on the edge of the Hot-Aid Guy, and then diving in. Then a shot of Jamal doing a handplant on the side of the ramp and then falling backwards into Hot-Aid Guy, who was right under Jamal)
(Hot-Aid Guy moves around, splashing the liquid around)
Hot-Aid Guy: how do you like my Tropical Tang piss?!
Jamal: uggh! Its so nasty! Yo diggity!
John: I’m gonna barf!
Kathy: Its more like TERRIBLE Tang to me!
Hot-Aid Guy: you’ve pissed me off, you politically correct group of kids! Now-YOU-DIE!
(Hot-Aid Guy puts a cap on top of him)
Jamal: what the FUCK! Yo DIGGITY!
Kathy: guys, I feel something sharp below our feet
Hot-Aid Guy: you’re right, I just happen to be a talking, living Blender Pitcher, made by IKEA, bless their German inventions.
John: oh shit….
(Hot-Aid Guy turns the blender on, and you can’t see the kids anymore, but you see the yellow turning into a piss red color)
Hot-Aid Guy (stopping): now let’s partyyyy!
(kids of all races jump into a pool, start dancing and skateboard, as there is a drawback shot into the air)
(end)
Forever Flower
(an old woman is in a field of roses)
(she’s rolling around in the roses, and you can hear her getting scratched up by the thorns. She gets up and starts taking some thorns out of her body)
Old Woman: oh, hello. Welcome to my garden! You may say “wait a minute, how does she have a field of flowers in her backyard?!” Well, I’ll tell you now, that ANYONE can have a field of flowers in their backyard with…
(Old Woman flattens her palm out in front of her and a “ding” sounds as a box that has “Forever Flower” on it appears)
Old Woman: With Forever Flower, you can have a flowery backyard forever! The way you do it is, you take a handful of Forever Flower, shove it in your mouth…
(Old Woman takes a handful of pebble-stuff out of the box and tips her head back, eating it)
Old Woman: ….plant your seeds, and when you digest Forever Flower, poo it out onto your seeds and there you have it! Flowers forever!
Legal guy (talking really fast): Constipation may occur, Forever Flower makes no guarantees on the long-lastingness of your flowers or your life much longer after you eat your first boxful of Forever Flower
(Old Woman smiles, and you can see some of her teeth missing from eating Forever Flower pebbles blah page filler)
(end)
Umbrella Armory
(an umbrella about 13 feet long is being held by a guy in a bathing suit and he’s wearing sunglasses. He’s at the beach with his family)
Rocket Joe: Hey, honey! I found a good spot!
Rocket Jane: this is very nice
Rocket Jr.: yeah yeah yeah! I wanna make a sand castle!
Rocket Joe: we will son…we will
(Rocket Joe puts the umbrella flat on his shoulder and a handle pops out of it)
Rocke Joe: die, people!
Someone: eh?
(Rockets fly out of the umbrella, blowing people up left and right)
King of the Beach: We’re under attack! Arm yourselves!
(people with smaller umbrellas come behind the King of the Beach, and grab onto the umbrella part of the umbrella, and cock it all at the same time, like shotguns)
(King of the Beach takes an umbrella out of the ground, flips it over, and pulls out a huge sword from it)
King of the Beach: chaarrrgee!!!
(Rocket Jane and Rocket Jr. are launching more rockets, with Rocket Joe)
(people are running at them, but get blown up. King of the Beach jumps into the air, calling out something)
King of the Beach: The earth shatters beneath my sword! EARTH SPLIT!!
(King of the Beach slams his sword in the middle of the ground near the Rocket family)
(scene cuts to a guy watching TV)
Umbrella Master: well…that was some great programming
(the scene goes black and white, freezing and stuff scrolls in front of the screen)
After the battle of Malibu Beach, Umbrella Armory has been put under many many lawsuits. We don’t know why we’re scrolling this, we just want you to feel sorry for us so we can get the blame taken off of us.
(goes back to Umbrella Master)
Umbrella Master: Hello, I’m Umbrella Master. Here at Umbrella Armory, we sell you umbrellas modified to kill, just like the penguin in Batman has umbrellas….like that….yes….
(Umbrella Master dances around in a padded room)
Umbrella Master: buy my umbrellas, so I can get out of this looney bin! Aghhh!!
(end)
Bathroom Sniff
Announcer: did you ever take a big crap, and can’t seem to get the smell of your crap out of your bathroom?
(there’s a guy’s face that looks disgusted as green gas goes in front of his face and he tries to fan it away with his hand)
Announcer: take back your bathroom! Make your bathroom smell like a bathroom again, with Bathroom Sniff!
(the guy’s face starts smiling, as an aerosol can sprays white gas into the green and makes it go away)
(the guy’s face starts smiling, as an aerosol can sprays white gas into the green and makes it go away)
Announcer: isn’t that fantastic?
Guy: thanks Bathroom Sniff! Now my bathroom smells like a bathroom again! And with the great, informative labels on the can, I’ll know that I’ll inhale CFCs which deplete the O-Zone Layer, and I’ll know that my life span will be cut shorter and shorter with each use!
(a big smile as the camera focuses in on his face)
Announcer: yes, that’s right. An unfortunate side effect, but where’s the PROOF? Show me some proof! CFCs are good for you! You suckers! You’ll all sniff anything I tell you to! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Comes in different smells, including Regular Bathroom, Apartment Bathroom, Hotel Bathroom, and Porta-Potty. Bathroom Sniff is not liable for how its consumers use its products, and if someone dies of regular non-abusive use of this product, don’t call us, we don’t care.
(end)
Salt Water Slushy Co.
(a man is at a slushy machine, and uses it to get this white, soapy looking slush into a big cup)
Joe Slush: mmmh….a nice big helping of a salt water slushy….oh hello, my name is Joe Slush and I’m paid by Salt Water Slushy Co. to bash the Icee Corporation and tell you how good salt water slushies are. You may say “salt water? That’s for the fishes!” But you are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong! Wrong how America is to the people that hate it, wrong how MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME! I KNOW YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME MARY, YOU STUPID BITCH I’M GONNA KILL YO UBY HANGING YOUR DANGLING BODY OVER JAGGED ROCKS AND DROPPING YOU TO YOUR DEATH, YOU BITCH BITCH BITCH-
(technical difficulties screen displays)
(after a few seconds it goes back to Joe Slush)
Joe Slush: ok, I’m sorry, I got outta hand a bit, but I’m calmed down….I’M GONNA SLAY YOU LIKE A WILDABEAST –
(technical difficulties flashes again)
Joe Slush: ok, seriously now. Salt Water Slushies are very good, when you get past the extremely salty-ness of each flavor, including strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, …and THE BLOOD OF MY WIFE, MARY! DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU GET A LITTLE PIECE OF INTESTINE OR FLESH! BECAUSE I’M GOING TO PUREE HER, AND PUT HER IN YOUR SALT WATER SLUSHIES!
Security Guard (off screen): that’s it, suckah! I told you 3 times, now you gonna get it!
(Security Guard runs Joe Slush in with a battering ram, and Joe flies into the background, and slams on the floor)
(Security Guard drops the battering ram, and takes out a nightstick, jumping into the air and you can hear some thud sounds)
(technical difficulties…….again)
(end)
Meriman Butlers
Head Butler: hello, I am Head Butler. We, at Meriman Butlers, serve YOU and only YOU. We’re pretty much like your favorite prostitute, because we live with you, eat your food, and only serve you between the hours of 8 am to 8 pm. Anyway, let’s talk about what we could do for you so you could rent us out for a minimum of a year.
(Head Butler walks over to a piano and starts playing)
Head Butler: not only are we trained in the classical art of music, but also Modern Rock!
(curtains behind Head Butler open up, and 4 other butlers are there. 2 have a guitar, 1 has a bass and one is playing the drums. Them and Head Butler start jamming)
Head Butler (singing): oh yeah! Oh yeah! I’m playing a piannooooo!
(the camera is moving around at different angles, and gets a focus in on the drummer’s bass drum and it says “The Butlers” on it)
Head Butler (singing): and we put jelly on your jam and bread on your butter and glass in your milk and we scrub your faucets and flush the sink after you use it and sweep your roof and water your ceiling and just about everything else!
(everyone jumps and hits the last note)
Head Butler: yeah!
(end)
Nutri-Grain Rehab
Man: Bye honey! No time for breakfast, I’ve got to go to work!
Honey: oh, you can’t go to work without breakfast! Here, have a NutriGrain Bar!
(Honey tosses a NutriGrain Bar to the Man)
Man: well…(looking at the NutriGrain Bar) ….maybe I can stay for a while…
(the man’s eyes sparkle with the NutriGrain wrapping)
(scene cuts to the man with 12 boxes of NutriGrains out on the kitchen table, and he’s jamming the bars in his mouth, making a mess everywhere. Under his face, there’s NutriGrain wrappers and huge pieces of NutriGrains mixed in. He keeps taking handfuls of it, wrappers included, and keeps shoving it in his mouth, and stuff falls every time he chews. He repeatedly opens new bars and shoves them in, too)
Honey (off screen): You’re still here? I gave you that NutriGrain bar 3 hours ago-OH MY GOD!
(Honey comes into the kitchen)
(Man is foaming at the mouth, his face is laying in the NutriGrain mess)
Man: help……..me………
Honey: Man, I think you’ve got an addiction to NutriGrain. You need help.
(scene cuts to a secretary-type woman)
Secretary: has this happened to you more than once? We have noticed an alarming increase in NutriGrain related addictions and death. We have opened NutriGrain Rehab, sponsored only 10% by the NutriGrain company and Kellogg’s, which reminds us they have a double g, for double gay, I might add. Those greedy bastards put people’s lives in turmoil and only sponsor us 10% making us make people pay out of their own pockets to get rid of their addictions.
(a CEO-looking kinda guy comes out of nowhere)
CEO: so, if you need help, please call us. 1-800-Get-Rid-of-NutriGrain
The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation…
Fun fact: davepoobond actually did this for a class assignment, and it was supposed to be done in front of class (which it was done)
The full title of this commercial is “The We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples: Without the 6th Amendment”
Cast:
davepoobond – criminal
Greg – cop
Brian – narrator, bubba
Cop: stop! You’re under arrest!
Criminal: I didn’t do anything!
Narrator: this seems to be normal at this point, but…
Cop: ha! Got you!
(cop puts handcuffs on criminal)
Criminal: hey! This isn’t fair! I didn’t do anything
Cop: ya, ya. Tell it to your future boyfriend Bubba, cause you gettin it anal in prison, we lockin’ you up loooong time. Hope you like tossed salad.
Criminal: Don’t I get a trial or something
Cop: TRIAL! HAHAAHAHA! What the hell are you talkin’ about, boy?
Criminal: Dammit! You can’t do this to me! I’m a 30-second Cotton Candy Maker Seller!
Narrator: Imagine a world with no free trials. No being informed of the charges against you when you’re arrested, and no lawyers because they aren’t needed much anymore. That’s what the 6th Amendment does for us.
(really fast)
Funded by the We Like the 6th Amendment and So Should You Federation of Non-Republican Peoples
(scene goes to a jail cell)
Criminal: hi, how are you?
Bubba: you’re my new boyfriend
Criminal: ah man…
(end)
Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm
(Chuck E. Cheese is in a suit, in “his office.” The camera pans past all of the people working for the law firm in a close up. There’s a bookshelf full of law books and books on how to exchange Chuck E. Cheese tokens to different kinds of money. Chuck E. Cheese tightens his tie, and places his hands behind his back, standing in front of his desk)
Chuck E. Cheese: hello, I’m Chuck E. Cheese! And here at Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm, we are committed to proving your innocence or if you wanted, your guiltiness. We take all cases, and have a 100% success rating, give or take 100%. Our approval rating is 1000%!Because people not even needing us like us! Because if you lose, or if you’re not satisfied with our service, we will send you a hooker – for free!
(camera switches to Birdy)
Birdy: hi, I’m the hooker, Birdy! I do guys and girls. Don’t worry, I’m clean. I take showers daily! I used to do the stage show with Chuck E. Cheese when we were a band, but that was until Chuck E. Cheese’s became bankrupt and we were left with billions and billions of Chuck E. Cheese tokens minted every year since 1960. The only use for me was being a hooker, cause I’m a stupid stupid bitch!
Chuck E. Cheese: let’s hear some customer testimonies!
(scene cuts to a guy behind bars)
Joe: thanks Chuck E. Cheese’s Law Firm! Since they did such a piss poor job of defending me against shoplifting, I actually got found guilty for Murder of the First Degree, but they sent Birdy over and I got Hepatitis C! No one is gonna screw ME in jail!
Chuck E. Cheese: yes, even if you get found guilty, we keep on helping
“Rich” Guy: I won 3 billion dollars in Chuck E. Cheese tokens! Yaaaahhoooo!! Thanks Chuck E. Cheese Law Firm for getting me out of my child abuse allegations.
Kid: hey dad, can I-
(“Rich” Guy takes out a bat and starts beating the kid)
“Rich” Guy: SHUT UP YOU STUPID BASTARD KID!
(cuts to Chuck E. Cheese again)
Chuck E. Cheese: When you win, you win BIG!
Birdy: oh yeah!
Elephant: hi
Chuck E. Cheese: what the hell is that?
(end)
Crusty French Bread
Pierre: ello. I am Pierre, le lumberjack! Unt I loveeee Crusty French Bread.
Announcer: yes, you heard it from Pierre the Lumberjack, folks! Crusty French Bread is good. He’s French for cryin’ out loud!
Pierre: unt it is so healthy for you, it should be called “I can’t believe it’s not bread!”
Announcer: actually, its not bread
Pierre: Vat!? Vat is this?
Announcer: its actually made out of soy! You’ll be amazed what soy can be made into these days! From cardboard to mustard to xylophones! And you can’t tell the difference!
Pierre: vat da hell!? This makes me mad!
(Pierre starts his chainsaw)
Pierre: can’t you see that soy tastes like ass!? Hot dogs shouldn’t taste like soy, nor chicken nuggets which are made of soy!
Announcer: don’t get mad at me! Get mad at SoyCo! They made all that tasteless crap that makes you wanna barf!
Pierre: grrarrrh!
(Pierre waves his chainsaw in the air)
Pierre: dieee, SoyCo!
(Pierre stops waving his chainsaw, then takes a big bite out of the Crusty French Bread)
Pierre: now that I know its soy, you can obviously taste it! What a piece of shit!
Announcer: yes you can, Pierre, yes you can
Pierre: I can also taste your MOM in it
Announcer: what the hell? You shithead!
(Pierre and Announcer bitchslap fight)
(end)
I-Rental
I-Rental Man: hello, I am the I-Rental Man. Have you come under a tragic event in which you lost your eye? Or eyes for that fact? Well, I have a proposition for you.
(I-Rental walks next to a case)
I-Rental: here at I-Rental, we can solve your problems. Instead of living with no eyes or getting a glass eye, bring in your busted eyes, and we’ll let you rent some of our very own reconstructed eyes.
(I-Rental Man pats the case)
I-Rental Man: Yessir, in here we have all the colors of the rainbow and more. Best of all, you don’t need to take any medicine and your new eyes work instantly. You just pop them in and that’s it! All for a very low price of $100 a month. That’s only about $13 a day. No amount of money is worth your eyesight. And this month we’re having a special. When you get your first pair of eyes, you can rent more pairs of eyes for $37.99 more, per pair!!! Try it out!
(end)