All posts by Holmes

Daves of Our Lives Episode 4

Dave….making the website at Stumpy’s house, is shocked when he hears Stumpy yell out: “OH MY GOD YOUR A MAN!” He runs into the room and he see’s Stumpy looking down and Fred laying naked on the bed. He immediatley see’s that Fred is a girl. Dave: “What are you talkin about? Fred is a girl!” Stumpy: “I wasn’t talkin about Fred! I WAS TALKIN ABOUT ME! SEE MY PENIS! ISN’T IT QUIET LARGE?” Dave: “Uh…..i’m going home….and holding back from killing you. Come on Fred, lets go.” Fred and Dave walk out of Stumpy’s house and walk home. They have hot hoooooot sex all night long. Dave has 20 orgasms that night. The next morning Fred wakes up to find out that Bubba is under the bed unconcious. Fred: “BUBBA! DAVE WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?” Dave: “He bothered me while i was beatin my shit…..and NOBODY bothers me and my penis during the hours of 12:00 AM to 12:00 PM….Eastern Standard time, that is….” Fred: “DAVE! I’M WALKIN OUT EVEN IF THAT WAS THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD! And I’m takin my drunken lover with with me…” Fred carries Bubba and they walk out. As soon as they walk out Dave goes on beatin his shit. The doorbell rings and Dave goes and opens it. It’s Mr. T with a brand new computer! Mr. T: “I pity the fool – ” Dave slams the door on Mr. T’s face right after he takes the computer. He then connects it and logs onto porn to beat his shit.

Daves of Our Lives Episode 3

Dave, tradegically strucken by his computer accident, goes to his local porn shop and talks with his all time best friend: Mr. T. Dave: “My computer busted while I was beatin my shit…” Mr. T: “I pity the foo who messed up your computer…i’m gonna beat his head into a telephone so he can finally dial 1-800-collect.” Dave: “…uh…yeah whatever.” Mr. T: “shut up foo!” Mr. T bitchslaps Dave. Dave wrestles Mr. T and Dave beats him up. He then walks back to his house and sits down on his couch and beats his shit. The phone rings and he picks it up. It’s Dave’s best friend, Stumpy. Stumpy: “Hey…I heard about your computer thing…come on over and use mine…” Dave runs over to Stumpy’s house. He enters the house and he walks to Stumpy’s room. Stumpy: “Hey sup…go ahead and set up SUQUAKLE on my computer. I’m just going to have hot sex with your former Girlfriend Fred in the other room.” Dave: “Well i was just gonna look at porn to beat my shit to.” Stumpy: “Dude…don’t you beat your shit enough? It’s gonna fall off the way your goin at it…” Dave: “Yeah alright…i’ll set up SUQUAKLE.” Stumpy goes into another room with Fred and they start having sex n stuff while Dave is making the SUQUAKLE web page. Suddenly Stumpy screams about half way through the love making: “YOUR A MAN!!!!!!!”

Daves of Our Lives Episode 2

The scene starts off with Dave, sitting at his computer with his hands down his pants and his hot latin girlfriend talking to him behind him. She calls to him: “Dave…have you updated the SUQUAKLE website? If you have…you get a big fat sloppy kiss…” Dave replies: “No i’ve been too busy beatin my shit to porn….” The latin girlfriend named fred starts crying and sobbing: “DAVE!!!!!! WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU!!! DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE WEB PAGE ANYMORE?” Dave continues to whack off…. Fred cries even harder: “THATS IT! IF YOU CAN’T RESPECT SUQUAKLE THEN I’M WALKIN OUT ON YOU!!!!!” Dave says: “BYE!” Fred walks out and slams the door…silence is heard throughout the house except for dave beatin his shit. Suddenly, Sam, Fred’s lover…bursts into the room…Sam: “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAH GIRL!” Dave jumps up and says: “She’s a slut!” They both start wrestling and Dave throws Sam at the computer and Sam gets a concussion… The computer breaks and Dave falls to the ground, covering his eyes and then looks at the ceiling and cries: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Then he starts sobbing.

Daves of Our Lives Episode 1

Dave…an average pornoholic like you and me….makes a web page called SUQAUKLE (due to law suits we cannot use the actual name of the web site). This all seems nice and good for Dave….He’s got a web site and some porn to beat his shit to. But what dave does not know is the tensions between choosing which one is better (porn or SUQAUKLE) have begun.

Scluckle Episode 3

The Cast:

 

Narrator ((speaking in the ( ) ))

 

Dacky!

 

jamescrapbond

 

Watson

 

MyRightTesticle

 

renismyname

 

ear

 

elmaismad

 

cako the portuguese porker

 

taco homless-man

 

Jared*

 

((Scluckle are all in a subway store. They have a new member who is well known for his subway diet (LOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSER) and is only known under codename as “Osama bin Jared”. He is in a custume with and obviously fake beard and glasses with a towel on his head (no not wrapped around his head, just a towel laying on his head). He is in a bathrobe trying to play off some middle eastern guy. The sluckle people surround him.

 

jamescrapbond: so…you want to be hired?

 

ear: do you have what it takes?

 

MyRightTesticle: Are you gay? just askin…if you are…i know…a friend…who…needs…a…date…

 

Osama bin Jared (in a middle easter accent): Oh yes i am very very gooo-da.

I kick squackle butt. I have plan, secret secret plans.

 

Watson: I say hire his ass.

 

elmaismad: we need ideas, my dick isn’t workin anymore…wheres my apple juice?

 

jamescrapbond: fine, your hire. elmaismad, go on vacation and take the mandatory vodka and viagra with you.

 

elmaismad: ok bye

 

((he leaves))

 

jamescrapbond: now, tell us this secret plan.

 

Osama bin Jared: First we must eat many many sandwiches until we are plump and fat like a camel hump. Then we must eat more like the thousand arabian knights who rescued Princess Flabula from the evil fast food restaurants. Then we must pray to the goddess of Suba-VVay and ask her for forgiveness and greatfullness and for a nice and long subway sandwich. Then our plan will be in effect.

 

nose: i like subway

 

((jamescrapbond slaps nose with a subway sandwich))

 

jamescrapbond: cool these things are good for something.

 

Osama bin Jared: No no no, no whackin, more eatin. eat eat eat like the feast of the goddes Sub-VVay.

 

((jamescrapbond sits on the sandwich))

 

jamescrapbond: nice seat too! WHO’S UP FOR A GAME OF BASEBALL!

 

((MyRightTesticle throws a ball and jamescrapbond hits the ball using the sandwich as a bat. The ball hits Osama bin Jared and knocks his costume off. Oh My God, It’s Jared dresssing up like a bootleg Osama Bin Laden and selling his subway sandwiches!

 

Jared: Damnit!

 

((the scluckle people surround him ready to beat him up when he stops them))

 

Jared: WAIT! ((he pulls out a small remote with a single button on it.)) If I press this button it will destroy Squackle, your arch nemisis!

 

cako the portuguese porker: umm…lets just beat him up and take the button?

 

taco homeless-man: sounds great

 

((they all grab subway sandwiches and beat him to a pulp with the sandwiches, while Jared is screaming: “SUBWAYYYYYYYYYY I HAVE FAILED YOOOOOOUUUUU! I LOVE YYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU”))

 

renismyname: I’ll press the button

 

((he presses the button. Suddenly the subway building there in opens in half and a subway sandwich the size of a building pulled out from underneath the building. The sandwich is wheat bread with a lot of cheese, nuclear missles and canadian bacon along with chile. WHAT A DEADLY COMBINATION! The Sandwich launches into the air. The building returns to normal. ))

 

Jared: It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Only 2 grams of fa-

 

((all the scluckle people continue beating him. Meanwhile at the Squackle lab of underwear investigation, the wedgie alarm goes off and alerts everyone that an incoming skidmark (slang term for missle) is coming in. stimpyismyname calls on Dacky! to help out! Dacky! flies into the air and with a few big bites, eats the sandwich. He then flies to the subway the scluckle is in and makes a large LARGE fart. The whole scluckle team is blown out in different directions. Jared was severly hurt by the blast and had his arms and legs replaced by subway sandwiches. Osama bin Laden sued Jared for copying him but then Dacky! killed Osama bin laden while he was eating a sandwhich at subway.))

 

((The End))

 

((Don’t Do Drugs))

 

Jared* – Fresh and New and fresh And New!

Subway: Eat Shit!

Jared is sitting in a subway eating some shitty Subway sandwich. Some hot HOT girls walk up to him in slutty outfits.

Slut #1: “hey Jared, is that sub the size of your dick or did you loose all of your dick on that diet?”

Jared: “ha Ha you girls are so funny. I’m just eating this delicious subway sandwich. It only has 6 grams of fat, 0 calories and 0 taste! It’s like i’m so cool again!”

Slut #2: “Dayumn boy, you suck more dick then I do, don’t you?”

Jared: “girls, girls, please. I’m trying to enjoy my dinner and not about my sexual preferences.”

Suddenly the manager of subway walks over to Jared.

Manager: “I’m sorry sir, but your credit card was rejected. Apparently you went bankrupt from buying all our sandwiches. Were going to have to ask you to leave.”

Jared: “But…but…I’m your best customer…how can you do this to me!” He busts out in tears. “God please don’t let me die! I want my mommy! I LOVE YOU SUBWAY!”

Subway security is called over by the manager and the security guys tackle Jared. Jared wiggles while crying “SUBWAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY” at the top of his lungs and he gets thrown out onto the streets. The security people throw a sandwich full of shit at him and it hits him in the face. He just continues crying. The sluts come outside.

Slut #1: “Well hot shit, you might as well come home with us”

Jared: “Is there a subway near by? PLEASE TELL ME! I DON’T WANNA GO FAT AGAIN! SUBWAY HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!”

Slut #2: We’ll show you a REAL subway!”

They take Jared to there crack shack and show him there “subway” all night long. A few months go by and Jared ends up a crack head and alcoholic who weighs 524 pounds and has 2 wives who are the biggest sluts. One day when he’s actually sober and not beatin his bitches, he talks to his wives.

Jared: “I wanna go and see subway. get me mah ramp”

The girls put a ramp up to the couch he’s laying on. He just rolls off the couch onto a stretcher on the floor. The bitches then pick his heavy ass up and walk on over to subway. They roll him inside. Security tries to stop him but he just rolls them over. He then gargles all the food in the store, including the employees.

Jared: “Mhhmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmHhhhhhmmmmmmHhmmmm” Munch Munch Munch.

Jared became the subway robber until all subways went bankrupt. he then was arrested and rolled into the ocean where he can float to another far way country…like Canada. The 2 bitches fucked some more guys, then fucked women and each other. They retired at age 101 when they finally died. Subway went out of business because everyone was afraid of “the roller” (Jared’s criminal nickname” robbing them. The manager of subway who asked jared to leave was eaten and put in Jared’s stomach and slowly but painfully died of the digestion acid in Jared’s stomach. She was released from this hellhole through a hole in the form, of a brown substance. The person who wrote this story clicked the send button so it could be put on Squackle. The fuckin end.

Squackle Dating Tape #1

Hi there guys and gals! Are you lookin for a special someone to share your long lasting stupid life with? Are you so ugly that your mom legally disowned you? Well, here at Squackle Dating, we bring it tapes from around the world from losers just like you! Tape #1 includes the following people:

Jimiscokfick Mycomnisory

Eim Alloser

Albert Gore

Bill Hardman

Slutty Bojangles

The tape rolls on as there’s a guy with a mustache and a hole bunch of hair all over his body. His arm pit hair is amazingly straight. He has no shirt on and he’s smokin a cigarette. He looks like he hasn’t bathed in weeks and there’s flies buzzing around him.

“Hi, i’m Jimiscokfick. Do any ladies (or men) want to touch this sexy hairy body? I have amazingly straight hair” He flashes his armpit hair. “because of my multi-million dollar selling object: The armpit hair straightner! Yes I am rich! Did i mention i was rich? I’m very rich…VERY…Call me at 1-800-jimiscok to date this hairy hair man”

The next video plays:

A lady is sitting on a coach with her head tilted to the left and drool is dripping from her mouth and her eyes are rolling back. Her hair is messed up, her face is very white, she looks like a zombie.

“…” Drool continues to drip…Drip…drip…drip…drip……..drip…..drip…..drip…drip…

An announcer comes on: “To date Eim Aloser, call 1-800-LOSER”

The next video plays:

Albert Gore is sitting still on the coach like a board with his hair combed back, with no expression on his face. He looks all purty and nice…

“Hi there fellow citizens. I am looking for a lifetime mate to accompany me in sexual intercourse. We will ‘Get it on’ and also ‘Do the nasty’ throughout the nighttime hours. If anyone fellow citizen is interested, please call…”

The video is cut off as the next video plays:

Bill Hardman is sitting in a XXX rated leather suit with a rubber wang sticking out of the front part of his pants. He’s got his hair combedback and a smile on his face.

“hey there sexxaaaayyyy ladies. Wanna date this hoooot man for the riiiide of chor life? We can do it allllll niiight looonng with my 9 incher!”

Suddenly a women is heard yellin in the background.

“HONEY! WHO ARE YA TALKIN TOO?”

Bill looks nervous. “No one…just mahself….”

“WELL COME TO BED. IF IT DOESN’T COME UP THIS TIME WE ARE GOING TO HALF TO USE VIAGRA. ALSO I BOUGHT YOU THAT PENIS PUMP YOU WANTED. IT’S GUARRENTEED TO WORK, YOUR SIZE PENIS CAN BE DOUBLED AND EVEN TRIPPLED! THAT MEANS A WHOLE 4 INCHES!”

Bill sighs as he turns off the camera.

The next video plays:

A girl is standing with a tight skank-like shirt, and a short SHORT dress. She has too much makeup, and a used condom is right next to her on the couch along with bras and stuff in the background.

“Hey yall…I’m Slutty…Slutty Bojangles. I want some men to marry me. NOW! My boyfriend was cheatin on me and i want to make his ass jealous! CALL ME NOW!”

A man can be heard.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMEN! I’M TRYING TO FUCK YOUR SISTER!”

Slutty gets out a gun from behind the couch and walks off screen. A few minutes later a gun shot can be heard. She walks back on screen.

“Ok yall…i’m avaliable…i promise to be loyal!”

The camera turns off.

Scluckle Episode 2

The Cast:

 

Narrator ((speaking in the ( ) ))

 

Dacky!

 

jamescrapbond

 

Watson

 

MyRightTesticle

 

renismyname

 

ear

 

elmaismad

 

cako the portuguese porker

 

taco homless-man

 

(After the previous defeat of Scluckle by Dacky!, Scluckle has moved to the mysterious island of Caca. It all began with…ahh forget that boring stuff, on wit the action!)

 

jamescrapbond: whoever called squackle last time and let them in on our plans is going to die! WHO DONE IT?

 

They all shrug

 

(… like they REALLY scare me)

 

ear: what about the narrator, he knows all!

 

(yeah i also know you guys suck and couldn’t think your way out of a shit hole)

 

cako the portuguese porker: well, forget about it. lets get a new plan!

 

Watson: yeah! how are we going to get squackle?

 

taco homeless-man: lets eat em!

 

all of em say: no

 

elmaismad: how about we make somethin! Like scluckle soap!

 

ear: i like soap

 

ear gets backhanded by james

 

jamescrapbond: shut up! we’ll make an item that removes dirt off of people!

 

(suddenly, the idiotic stupid ass MyRightTesticle comes in)

 

MyRightTesticle: I’m not dat stupid!

 

Producer whispers to MyRightTesticle “your not suppose to hear the narrator”

 

MyRightTesticle: Who’s talkin? Oh it’s you guys! Hey I didn’t know you were in this movie also!

 

Producers and staff shake there heads, trying to shut him up. They finally throw a big bowling ball at him and it knocks him out.

 

jamescrapbond: annnnnnyyyyyyywaaaaaayyyyyyssss…we will make an item that washes dirt and stuff off peoples skin and we will make it EVIL!

 

(they laugh evily…i don’t get paid enough for this job)

 

ear: how will it be evil?

 

jamescrapbond backhands ear

 

jamescrapbond: shut up you! it will be evil! EVIL!

 

(fuck it stop laughin evily god damn!)

 

A few minutes later, Watson comes out carrying the Evil Soa..

 

jamescrapbond: EVIL BODY CLEANSER!

 

Sorry Evil “Body Cleanser” and it has the words marked EVIL inscribed upon the bar…how EVIL can you get…losers…

 

A few months later the soap

 

jamescrapbond: BODY CLEANSER!!!!!!

 

BODY CLEANSER is a big hit as it hits the markets. Dacky! doesn’t trust the soap

 

jamescrapbond: BODY CLEANSER!!!!!!!!!

 

and brings it to the Squackle center of underwear examination for testing.

 

After a few tests by lab genius stimpyismyname, the soap

 

jamescrapbond: BODY CLEANSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

is concluded to be extremely filled with caca, a special dark brown herb found on the secret and mysterious island of caca and is also concluded to be “EVIL”. Our Dacky! hero has few words to say about the evilness…

 

Dacky!: It’s very evil…

 

The news is filled with people falling down covered with EVILNESS from the whatever the hell it is, and dacky must find the cure. Dacky! flies off to caca island where he encounters his former enemies of scluckle.

 

jamescrapbond: so we meet again, Dacky! It’s time to once again call in SCLUCKLE MAN!

 

The ordinary chicken falls through the roof but is saved as he lands on MyRightTesticle’s head. The chicken lays the egg of evilness upon MyRightTesticle’s head as he awakens full of…of…EVIL!!!!!

 

Dacky!: Oh no he’s…he’s…EVIL

 

(no shit)

 

MyRightTesticle: what? what’d you mean? who’s evil? wtf is a chicken doin on my face!

 

MyRightTesticle throws the chicken at jamescrapbond. james tries to pull of matrix crap at the chicken lays eggs and flies through the air at him. It’s too late. The eggs hit him as he falls to the ground, defeated.

 

Dacky! clears the house as he beats up everyone. Fists fly everywhere and poop is thrown at Dacky!. Little does scluckle know that poop makes Dacky! turn into…DACKY!!. DACKY!! beats up everyone else really badly, were talkin bad bad.

 

elmaismad: fart

 

renismyname: poop we lost again…

 

taco homeless-man farts 3 times.

 

jamescrapbond: NOOOO YOU SET OFF THE PEPTO BISMOL OF DOOM VOLCANO THINGIE!

 

DACKY!!: wtf is that?

 

jamescrapbond: it’s bad…also it blows up the island…

 

A voice comes over the intercom: “You have activated the PEPTO BISMOL OF DOOM VOLCANO THINGIE. Prepare to blow off your ass. Thank you for buying Scluckle body cleanser. I hope you all die slowly and painfully…football practice has been cancelled due to the fact that i don’t wanna play football. Bye, go home.”

 

DACKY!! just flies away as the PEPTO BISMOL OF DOOM VOLCANO THINGIE sweeps the island. Yay, he saved the day. Go away.

 

(The End)

 

(::turns on soap operas::)

Scluckle Episode 1

The Cast:

Narrator ((speaking in the ( ) ))

Dacky!

jamescrapbond

Watson

MyRightTesticle

renismyname

ear

elmaismad

cako the portuguese porker

taco homless-man

 


(there all in a room after they just made there new site called: Scluckle)

 

jamescrapbond: HaHA! Squackle will be no more with our new and improved site, Scluckle! MUHAHAHA

 

(they all laugh evily)

 

taco homless-man: yes and all we will post will be funny jokes n’ stuff n’ stuff

 

(they all laugh evily…again…)

 

cako the portuguese porker: great thinking james! we will rule the…umm…

 

(they all look at each other and shrug)

 

ear: bathroom?

 

Watson: no

 

elmaismad: Internet!

 

jamescrapbond: Yes! Internet!

 

(they all laugh evily….again….for the third freakin time….)

 

taco homeless-man: do you think we should assasinate davepoobond and steal his underwear?

 

MyRightTesticle: I want to kill my identical-testical-twin brother know as “Lefty”. Our owner only played with him all the time why i watched as my bro got rubbed! I never recovered….

 

Watson: yes i solved all dem case’s and shit-lock got all dat credit! Can you believe dat!

 

ear: i like my brother nose, he’s cool

 

(ear gets backhanded by james)

 

jamescrapbond: shut up you! we will kill those squackle bafoons and take over there internet site and we will be the rulers or the internet and force other people to have slow connections FOREVER! MUHAHAHHAHAHA

 

(blah blah blah laughing again blah blah blah)

 

cako the portuguese porker: so…whats the plan?

 

(they all shurg)

 

elmaismad: how about we masturbate infront of them?

 

renismyname: how about we run at them with sticks screaming things at them?

 

Watson: how about we sexual molest them all and blame there parents?

 

jamescrapbond: No! We will get one hudred paper-back boks and make a gun and blast them with them! ha-ha!

 

All: good idea!

 

ear: what about nose?

 

(ear gets backhanded again)

 

jamescrapbond: forget about nose, he will die a horrible paper-cut death!

 

ear: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…wait do i get his stuff

 

jamescrapbond: yes

 

ear: ok, good

 

(ok i’m sick of all this evil laughing, i’m callin’ squackle and tellin them about there god damn plan)

 

(suddenly, Dacky! comes in ((he’s the duck with the messed up face)) and beats up the team of scluckle. the whole team of scluckle is laid out on the floor)

 

Watson: i…can’t…feel…my…head

 

elmaismad: i think my brain broke…

 

(jamescrapbond stands up)

 

jamescrapbond: i didn’t want to do this but it’s time to bring out SCLUCKLE MAN!

 

(a chicken falls through the roof. it’s just an ordinary chicken and it falls down on the concrete and gets knocked out)

 

Dacky! and jamescrapbond: …

 

(cako the portuguese porker stands up and walks over to the computer they used to put up scluckle, the screen says: DO NOT PRESS ENTER)

 

cako the portuguses porker: hmm ok (he presses enter)

 

jamescrapbond: YOU DUMBASS YOU JUST TOOOOK OUT OUR WEB PA…

 

(Dacky! punches james and then kicks cako in the balls. over the anoncement thingie it says: “Self-desturct anal explosion sequence activated…preparing to blow up…todays lunch specials are: Hamburger and Broccoli. There will be no Square dancing after work today due to the end of the world. Thank you” Dacky! runs out of the sckluckle building as it just happens to blow up right after he steps off the property…like in the movies. He flys back to squackle)

 

(The End)

 

(Or Is it?)

 

(Probablly, who knows)

 

(Actually I do know but i’m not telling and you can’t make me)

 

(Leave me alone now! My soap operas are on!)

 

(Bye)

Mike Tyson Mean Bean Rotisserie Machine Grill

Mike Tyson is standing in a kitchen with his rotisserie machine thing in front of him.

Mike Tyson: Hi there people…I saw that Son of a Bitch George Foreman getting rich off that lean mean thingie…so here I am making my new product. It’s my Mean Bean Rotisserie Machine Grill. This thing will cook anything you want. Here’s a loyal customer.

A guy walks over to where Mike Tyson is standing and he looks over to the camera.

Guy: THIS MACHINE GAVE ME THIRD DEGREE BURNS ON MY PENIS! I FUCKIN HATE IT! DON’T BUY I-”

Mike Tyson jumps ontop of the guy as they both fall behind the kitchen counter.

Mike Tyson: GROOAR!!!!!

Guy: AHHHHH

(The squackle technical difficulties screen appears)

The scene comes back to the guy and Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson has blood all over his mouth and a smile on his face. The guy has a chunk of his ear missing and his face is white and he’s scared as hell.

Guy: Oh yeah…I love this machine……..it’s….it’s so great…..I love it…..Oh boy……….thumbs up!….please don’t hurt me!

Mike Tyson kicks the guy in the ass out of the kitchen.

Mike Tyson: Watch as I Rotisserie this piece of meat!

Mike Tyson takes the ear and sticks it in the machine.

(5 Hours later)

Mike Tyson: Ok it’s just about done…no wait it isn;t…

(3 Hours and 34 minutes later)

Mike Tyson is scratching his balls…

Mike Tyson: GET THAT FUCKIN CAMERA OUT OF HERE!

(2 hours and 64 minutes later)

Mike Tyson: Ok it’s done…

Mike Tyson takes the ear out the machine….the ear is burnt and it looks like a pile of ashes. Mike Tyson eats the “ear”

Mike Tyson: Mmmmm so delicious…..I want more!

He looks at the camera and smiles and jumps at the camera.

Mike Tyson: GROAR!!!!!!

(technical difficulties screen flashes…..again……)

Announcer: Call 1-800000- EAR to ORDER!!

(end)

SBC News Broadcast 1

Now for the top stories……David: Ok be quiet out there…

 

Audience still talking

 

David: I SAID SHUT YOUR TRAPS!

 

Audience shuts up

 

David: (ahem) 1. George W. Bush was caught cheating with Al Gore

 

Producer: Thats not true!

 

David: …2. George W Bush couldn’t tell a horses poop from Daveed’s brain…come to think of it, niether can I…

 

Daveed: You buttmunch, go screw a shrew!

 

Davis: No he’s my shrew, and you can’t have him!

 

Daveed and David look at Davis oddly

 

Davis (nervously): Uhh…nevermind…hehe…….

 

Shrew noises are coming from Davis’s room

 

David: …uh huh…anyways…also on our top news, a crazy man has been spotted running around this city naked screaming “Penis rhymes with Penis” while he waves a polish flag around and points a a big pimple on his left butt cheek…

 

Daveed: Hey that sounds like your wife david!

 

Daveed laughs while David slaps him, knocking him out

 

Davis: Now THATS a Bitch sla…

 

David slaps Davis, knocking him out right ontop of Daveed. David puts them both on the table and puts Davis’s hand in Daveeds pants and makes it look like he’s smiling.

 

Producer: Thats sick, someone get a censor out here?

 

Mr. Whatshisname: In Egypt, putting your hand down a guys pants means: “Lets eat dinner together”

 

Just then, Daveed wakes up and looks at Davis.

 

Daveed whispering to the knocked out Davis: Not now! Wait till AFTER the show! How many times do I have to tell you that!

 

Daveed gets up and sits in his seat, just then a naked guy screaming penis rhymes with penis, waving a polish flag and pointing to a pimple on his ass runs in the studio.

 

Naked Man: PENIS RHYMES WITH PENIS!

 

David: Someone get him outta here!

 

Naked Man: PEEEEEENNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS

 

Security guy Holmes tackles the naked man, popping the pimple on his butt

 

Naked Man: OW that hurt!

 

Holmes: get outta here! and take your polish flag with you

 

Naked Man: i just wanted to play, the pimple made me INSANE

 

the naked man jumps infront of the knocked out davis while he wakes up. Davis see’s the naked mans ass and screams.

 

Davis: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Davis jumps back and sits in his seat, closing his eyes

 

Producer: I’ll never see again…

 

Mr. Whatshisname: I’m from Egypt

 

Producer: I ALREADY KNOW THAT

 

Mr. Whatshisname: he has a big ding dong…

 

Naked Man: sweeeddddish penis enlarger! SWEEDISH SWEEDISH!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Holmes kicks the naked man in the ass so hard that the slam bolts him through the roof.

 

Davis: that was cool!

 

Producer: get on with the show you guys before i fire your sorry butts

 

David: O.o big bad producer!

 

Davis: You suck

 

Daveed: I hate my life

 

Mr. Whathisname: I’m from egypt

 

Producer is about to explode with rage. Just then the naked man comes back through the studio roof and hits the ground with a thud.

 

Holmes: I thought i told you to BEAT IT!

 

Naked Man: in public?

 

At first holmes doesn’t understand but when the producer tells what “beat it in public” means, holmes face turns an angry red.

 

Holmes: YOU SICK LITTLE BIATCH YOU GET YOUR NAKED BALD ASS OUT OF MY STUDIO BEFORE I CHOP YOUR PENIS OFF AND SHOW YOU HOW IT RHYMES WITH ASS WHOOPIN!

 

The naked man jolts out crying.

 

David: Thats our news for today, see you…

 

Just then, jeeb bush (brother of George W) runs in.

 

Jeeb Bush: Has anyonre seen my brother? Last time I saw him he was taking his clothes off with a polish flag in his hand…

 

David, Daveed, Holmes, Davis, and the Producer walk over to Jeeb and beat him up.

 

(end)

Squackle! Shop

The camera is aimed at a street corner and suddenly a guy dressed in a buisness suit walks by the camera and the camera follows him along with an announcer who is off screen.

 

Announcer: “Hello sir!”

 

The guy turns around.

 

Guy: “uh….hey….whats the camera for?”

 

Announcer: “What camera?”

 

Guy: “The camera right infront of you.”

 

A fist flys from off screen and punches the guy…

 

Guy: “OW! WHAT THE HELL?”

 

Announcer: (in a whisper voice) “Your not suppose to look at the camera…”

 

Guy: “oh…..ok?!?

 

Announcer: “Now….ahem…your not exactly dressed to impress are you?”

 

Guy: “Whats that suppose to mean?”

 

Announcer: “Well….to be frank….your clothes are butt ugly…infact I’ll rip them off right now.”

 

Some hands from off screen grab on the guys suit and rip is clothes off.

 

Guy: “THAT WAS IMPORTED FROM ITALY AND COSTED 2000 DOLLARS!”

 

Announcer: “You are sooo materialistic…..now go to the Squackle shop and buy some clothes…the internet address is http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle . I repeat the internet address is http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle . Did I already say http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle ? I don’t think I did. The internet address is http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=squackle . Go there now…Bye.”

 

Guy: “YOUR PAYIN FOR MY VERSACHI ITALIAN SUIT!”

 

Announcer: “Pfft yeah right…”

 

The announcer and camera guy walk off….suddenly the guy jumps on to the announcer and they start fighting. The camera guy takes the camera and bashes it over the guys head which ends the scene.

 

(end)

Poop E. Pizza

A kid is sitting on his bed in his room staring at the wall. His room is a mess and he looks extremely bored….

 

Kid: “Gosh I’m bored! I’ve already jerked off 12 times in a row, now theres nothing to do.”

 

The mom is heard offscreen.

 

Mom: “CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKEN ROOM!”

 

Kid: “SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’LL CLEAN UP MY ROOM IF YOU BRING ME TO SOME PLACE GOOD.”

 

Mom: “HELL NO! IF YOU CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM I’LL BRING YOU TO A PLACE THATS CHEAP AND CRAPPY.”

 

Suddenly a talking large piece of shit appears in the kids room.

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK! HI THERE!”

 

Kid: “WHAT THE FUCK?”

 

Poop: “Here i’ll help ya clean up your room so we can go to Poop E. Pizza!”

 

Kid: “…..uh ok…whatever.”

 

They run through the room really fast cleaning everything up.

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK! NOW LETS GO TO POOP E. PIZZA!”

 

Suddenly there in Poop E. Pizza and a whole bunch of kids are running around. But they all are sad because the place smells really bad. Also the place is an underground child labor workshop.

 

Kid: “THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE SHIT!”

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK! Of course it does! NOW GET TO WORK!”

 

The piece of shit ties the kid up to a carriage and starts whippin him.

 

Poop: “YOUR ALL DOGS! WORK HARDER!”

 

Mom: “Wow….I’m so glad I brought my child to Poop E. Pizza!”

 

Poop: “A-HYUCK!”

 

The piece of shit throws pizza topped with shit at allthe kids and all the kids are crying while there getting whipped.

 

(end)

Herb Orgasmic Essence

Two guys are taking a shower together…one is putting soap all over his body and the other is…”helping him”.

 

Bubba: “Ok now bend those legs! I need to scrub underneath!”

 

Vitch: “Oh ttthhhuper!”

 

Vitch bends over like the Vitch he is and Bubba scrubs his backside and grundel area. Vitch stands up again.

 

Vitch: “Ok pass the Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo. I need to wash my hair.”

 

Bubba: “Don’t forget your pubes, they smell like ass.”

 

Bubba passes over the Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo and Vitch takes a handful and puts his all over his hair.

 

Vitch: “Oh yeah! OH YEAH! OHHHHHHH!”

 

Suddenly a splat sound is heard and Bubba and Vitch look down.

 

Vitch: “Oh Shit…”

 

Bubba: “YOU NASTY BASTARD! I COME…” He makes a nasty face. “I COME IN HERE TO HELP YOU SHOWER AND YOU BLOW YOUR LOAD ON ME!”

 

Vitch: “My bad dogg! I didn’t mean to…it’s just this Herb Orgasmic Essence shampoo gives me an orgasm every time I use it…I have no Idea why…”

 

Bubba: “Well if anyone saw this, INCLUDING your wife, they think we’re gay or something! The fuck is wrong with you man?”

 

An Ahem is heard off screen and Vitch and Bubba turn to the camera.

 

Bubba: “Is that…Is that a…VIDEO CAMERA?”

 

Vitch: “Oh yeah…I promised them I’d shot a Herb Orgasmic Essence commercial. Didn’t I tell you.”

 

Another splat is heard and Bubba gets pissed.

 

Bubba: “You…fuckin….bitch….”

 

Bubba tackles them and they start wrestling in the shower while a whole bunch of splats are heard. Suddenly, Vitches wife comes…ewww…comes into the bathroom to see her husband and his best friend naked in the shower with a video camera taping them…

 

Marianne: “YOU’RE SHOOTING GAY PORNS IN OUR OWN BATHROOM WITH BUBBA?!?! THATS IT, FIRST YOU SHOOT YOUR LOAD ON ME EVERYTIME YOU USE THAT SHAMPOO WHEN WE SHOWER AND NOW THIS? I WANT A DIVORCE!”

 

Marianne storms out and Bubba picks up Vitch and throws him against the camera man and the screen goes black.

Twiggs Cereal

Two kids are standing in a Forrest, at midnight, eating a bowl of Twigg’s cereal as a hippopotamus is hiding behind a tree, listening in on the kids.

 

Little Jimmy: “Yum this Twigg’s cereal sure is good…it has the real taste of wood with a hint of pine cone!”

 

Little Susie: “It’s a good thing that we decided to walk out in the Forrest at midnight and eat our Twigg’s cereal, especially with all those serial killers and priests walking around!”

 

The hippopotamus hiding behind the tree whispers to the TV screen.

 

Hippopotamus: “I’m going to dress up as a Priest so I can get some Twigg’s cereal!”

 

He dresses up as a priest behind the tree and he walks over to the kids.

 

Hippopotamus: “Hey kids! How about letting me get into the Twigg’s cereal! I’ve been at Children’s Ass…I mean Mass all day…boy it’s exhausting!”

 

Little Jimmy: “Sure thing Mrs. Priest Ma’am!”

 

Little Jimmy hands the ‘priest’ a bowl of Twigg’s cereal.

 

Hippopotamus: “Finally the great taste of the Forrest in one bowl of cereal! That woody pine cone flavor putting splinters into my mouth as I scream in pain!”

 

He starts dancing and he trips over a log and falls down, his priest clothing falling off, revealing his true fat self!!!!!

 

Little Susie: “It’s the hippo…hippo…hippotumas…eh however the fuck you say it…”

 

Hippopotamus: “Hippo – pot – thomas”

 

Little Jimmy: “You ludicrous hippopotamus, Twigg’s are for preadolescent homo sapiens!”

 

Hippopotamus: “Oh fuck! I mean…Oh Darn!”

 

The kids start laughing at him as he stands up and they take away his bowl of Twigg’s cereal. The Hippopotamus growls angrily and eats Little Jimmy in one bite.

 

Little Susie: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

 

Hippopotamus: “Come here BITCH!”

 

Little Susie starts running away and the Hippopotamus follows as they run off screen and then you hear bloody screams and things getting ripped to shreds as you see shoes and clothing and a few arms and legs fly by the screen. The scene ends when the bloody screams end and you hear a loud belch.

 

“Twiggs Cereal…part of your complete morning wood.”