All posts by davepoobond

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Jokes

Joke #9177

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Back in the ancient days before e-mail, people used to send messages by what they quaintly called a telegram. Charges were by the word, regardless of the length of the word.

An infatuated young man was sending a mushy love note to his girlfriend. The message read: “Oozie loves Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie”

“You can have up to 9 words for the same rate”, said the Western Union telegraph operator.

“Why not add another “Woozie” it won’t cost you any more.”

“No, thanks,” replied the young man.

“I think that would sound rather silly.”

Lists

Stupid Things To Say About Chocolate

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If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done!

Jokes

Joke #9175

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A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that – I – am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” his wife replied.

Jokes

Joke #9174

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A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk.”I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

Jokes

Joke #9173

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A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

“What did you take?” his priest asked.

“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”

“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”

“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”

Jokes

Joke #9172

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This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, “What does this remind you of?”

The guy replied, “A naked woman.” Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, “A naked woman on a bed.” This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.

The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, “You are a sick pervert.”

The guy replied, “I’m not the pervert here. You’re the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures.”

Jokes

Joke #9171

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As a sargeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad, looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. “Scared, Lieutenant?” I asked.

He replied, “No, just a bit apprehensive.”

I asked, “What’s the difference??”

He replied, “That means I’m scared with a university education.”

Jokes

Joke #9170

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A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, “So … how was I?”

“Well,” she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

Quotes

The General Motors HelpLine

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General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

————————————–

HELPLINE: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!?” I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

Jokes

Joke #9168

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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

Jokes

Joke #9167

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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.  “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

Email Forwards

The Ultimate Chain Letter

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This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Jokes

Joke #9165

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Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She says she can’t feel her legs!”