In the Future

In the future, I will marry a girl.

My uncle Louie brought the food, but we didn’t have an uncle Louie.

Everyone dances because the wedding will be very dumb.

The photographer took pictures of the cake.

The old people said their weddings were better.  I shot them with tranquilizers, and that was that.

 

Joke #18705

Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother’s wedding gown.

When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Suddenly, her mother’s eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, “Don’t cry, Mom. Remember, you aren’t losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” her mother sobbed. “I used to fit into that gown!”

 

Joke #18695

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

 

Joke #18682

My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from a friend. But upon closer inspection, we noticed that the plaque seemed to reveal some dark, previously hidden secret.

There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation. Read together, it said, “May the Lord Bless You and Keep You From Mary Blevin.”

 

Joke #18678

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.

My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”

 

Joke #18574

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel.

On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel’s bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. “There must be some mistake,” Woody said. “This looks like the bridal suite.”

“It’s okay,” the bell captain reassured him. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn’t mean you have to dance.”