Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to the chicken.
O Christmas Tree, Santa Baby, Here Comes Santa Claus, White Christmas, the list goes on. How many songs have we heard a million times? How many versions of the same songs must we choke down?
A horrendous onslaught of holiday music is upon us every time we get into the months of November and December, as Christmas, the month-long holiday is the time we love to be tortured by it.
Not only do we have to buy buy buy, but we have to listen to millionaire corporate slaves sing yet another version of that “Do You Know What I Know” song that takes forever to listen to. We’re already tossing hordes of cash out the windows into the pockets of companies in the RIAA — couldn’t they possibly hire some fuckers to write some new songs? Isn’t 300 versions of each Christmas song from each new generation of singers enough?
Oh goody, DJ Whatshisface made a remix of Joy to the World and DJ Megaloser made O Christmas Tree v. Santa Baby. Or let’s have Britney Spears sing the 12 Days of Christmas — that’s new and exciting!
What is even more annoying is that each time the song is remade, the singer adds their own little “flair” to it, so you would remember that in BigBoobedMovieStarNowASinger said “Yeayyeeyeahheeyaa!” at the end of each sentence in the song. It’s crap!
Sometimes bands make new Christmas songs, I’m sure, so why can’t we just stop dragging on those same fucking songs we have to listen to over and over? They’re so fucking old! Fuck them all! And where are the Thanksgiving songs?! I want to hear songs about how we screwed the Native Americans and killed turkeys!
Tagged People: Britney Spears
10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.
9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.
8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.
7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.
6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”
5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”
4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.
3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”
2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.
1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!
Q: How are bad teeth like Thanksgiving turkeys?
A: They both need a lot of filling.
Q: When do snakes stuff turkeys?
Q: When do skunks stuff turkeys?
Q: What would you get if you crossed a male turkey with a bird of prey?
A: A tom-a-hawk.
The following is a menu offered at the Unfriendly Restaurhant and Coffin Shop Moan-U.
A die-ning delight that will lift your spirits!
Boo-gels and Scream Cheese
Ice Scream Floats
Clammy on the Half Shell
Chilllled Tomb-ato Juice
SOUPS AND SALADS
Cream of Asparaghost
Lettuce Alone Salad
Marinated Brussel Shouts
Banana Scream Pie
Key Slime Pie
Hot Sludge Shun-dae
Souther Fright Chicken
Turkey with Grave-y
Breakfast Served from Midnight to 3 A.M. Daily
Ghost Toasties with Evaporated Milk
Scream of Wheat
Terri-fried Eggs — Over Easy
Three-moan-it Soft-booled Eggs
Cust-tomb-ers: We accept Die-ners Club, Monster Card, and American Hex-press Credit Cards
Tags: artichoke, asparagus, bagel, banana, beans, bologna, cake, cereal, cheese, chicken, clam, customer, dessert, devil, dish, egg, food, fudge, grave, gravy, Halloween, heart, hot dog, ice cream, juice, lettuce, lime, liver, milkshake, orange, pasta, pie, salad, sandwich, soup, spaghetti, spinach, tomato, turkey, wheat
The ticket seller at a high school basketball game let in the chicken, the turkey, the pheasant, and the goose. But he turned away the duck. Why?
Five fowls and you’re out.
Libby: How was the movie?
Brian: A real turkey. I could hardly sit through it the second time!
Q: What is the most musical piece of a turkey?
A: The drumstick.
Another variation of the same joke:
Q: What is the most musical piece of a chicken?
A: The drumstick.