Joke #18649

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.

One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer.”

“What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

 

Joke #13285

A millionaire who’d been bad all of his life was nearing the end of his time on earth and wanted to wipe the slate clean.  To make amends for his evil ways, he donated a lot of money to a local church and had a meeting with the minister to discuss the possibility of getting into heaven.

Since the man had spent most of his life being evil, the minister couldn’t really assure him he’d get into heaven, but he didn’t want to disappoint the man and lose a big contributor.  Being diplomatic, the minister sized up the millionaire’s chances like this:

“Mr. Smith, when it comes to riding on the heavenly railroad, think of yourself as a standby passenger.”