We Need More Holiday Songs

O Christmas Tree, Santa Baby, Here Comes Santa Claus, White Christmas, the list goes on.  How many songs have we heard a million times?  How many versions of the same songs must we choke down?

A horrendous onslaught of holiday music is upon us every time we get into the months of November and December, as Christmas, the month-long holiday is the time we love to be tortured by it.

Not only do we have to buy buy buy, but we have to listen to millionaire corporate slaves sing yet another version of that “Do You Know What I Know” song that takes forever to listen to.  We’re already tossing hordes of cash out the windows into the pockets of companies in the RIAA — couldn’t they possibly hire some fuckers to write some new songs?  Isn’t 300 versions of each Christmas song from each new generation of singers enough?

Oh goody, DJ Whatshisface made a remix of Joy to the World and DJ Megaloser made O Christmas Tree v. Santa Baby.  Or let’s have Britney Spears sing the 12 Days of Christmas — that’s new and exciting!

What is even more annoying is that each time the song is remade, the singer adds their own little “flair” to it, so you would remember that in BigBoobedMovieStarNowASinger said “Yeayyeeyeahheeyaa!” at the end of each sentence in the song.  It’s crap!

Sometimes bands make new Christmas songs, I’m sure, so why can’t we just stop dragging on those same fucking songs we have to listen to over and over?  They’re so fucking old!  Fuck them all!  And where are the Thanksgiving songs?!  I want to hear songs about how we screwed the Native Americans and killed turkeys!

 

Florida Hurricane Season Notes

We’re about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and…

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida”, you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.  So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It’s great living in Paradise (a.k.a. “The Sunshine State”).

 

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!

 

optimist

optimist – n. a person who buys a car and hopes he’ll find a parking space before the car is paid for

;} a person who lights a match before asking to borrow a cigarette

;} a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving

;} a person who swears off liquor on New Year’s Eve

 

Joke #9279: Church Bell Blues

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

 

UPDATE November 24, 1999

dAvE bOnD: Happy Thanxgiving! Ok, down to the stuff i updated, i just put a link on the links page, and updated the about us page. Not much today. I’m thinking of putting a bunch of things that i’ve been making for like 2 or 3 years, but stopped cuz i had no reason really to do it anymore. If i put it on here, then i’ll have a reason to do it. Ok…so, uh…also, i put up 2 new words and definitions on my dictionary.