“Naomi fucked the boxes in the storage room and fucked the door.”
“Naomi fucked the boxes in the storage room and fucked the door.”
balahftawreosirptauhgtlpbbipoatrn – n. someone who moans sexually as they walk with no external interaction from anyone or anything
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Everyone knows that Fortune Cookies have some important things to tell us about our future. Most of the time they don’t make much sense as a “future prediction.” But that is true until you add the suffix of “…in bed!” That favorable fortune you just cracked out of your sugary cookie from your favorite Chinese food establishment just got sexy!
So, here’s a list of Fortune Cookie messages — you can add “…in bed” to the end of them and they will become super sexualized and funny!
If you have more fortunes, feel free to leave a comment and I will add it to the list.
The world will soon be ready to receive your talents …in bed!
Be willing to be uncomfortable. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough …in bed!
The person closest to you is more important than you realize …in bed!
You’ll get more secure and confident in your relationships with co-workers …in bed!
We do three kinds of jobs, cheap, quick, and good …in bed!
An enjoyable vacation awaits you …in bed!
The current year will bring you much happiness …in bed!
Don’t look back, always look ahead …in bed!
Happy events will take place shortly in your home …in bed!
An important discussion will take place today …in bed!
Nothing can keep you from reaching your goals …in bed!
Try something new today …in bed!
Watch for a stranger near you to soon become a friend …in bed!
When in doubt, let your instincts guide you …in bed!
Now is the time for peace in your life. Go along with other’s ideas …in bed!
You will soon be changing your present line of work …in bed!
You are the center of every group’s attention …in bed!
You may lose the small ones but win the big ones …in bed!
People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner …in bed!
Express your talents in art and music …in bed!
You will do well to expand your horizons …in bed!
You could prosper in the field of medicine …in bed!
The sky’s the limit this month …in bed!
The strengths in your character will bring you serenity …in bed!
You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on …in bed!
Your investment of time in work or school next week is important …in bed!
Your next business venture will be very profitable …in bed!
You will be involved in many humanitarian projects …in bed!
If you look in the right places, you can find good offerings …in bed!
Find release from your cares, have a good time …in bed!
You will soon be crossing the great waters …in bed!
Turn your thoughts within — find yourself …in bed!
A thrilling time is in your immediate future …in bed!
Someone from your past will happily re-enter your life soon …in bed!
Soon, you will receive pleasant news …in bed!
You will find your horizons suddenly broadened …in bed!
A pleasant surprise is in store for you soon …in bed!
You are attracted to things with an exotic flavor …in bed!
Many pleasurable and memorable adventures are in store for you …in bed!
Next week, green is a lucky color for you …in bed!
Tomorrow your friend or partner will tell you some exciting news …in bed!
On Friday your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas …in bed!
A thrilling time is in your future …in bed!
Next summer, you will dance to a different beat …in bed!
Nothing can keep you from reaching your goals. Do it! …in bed!
Don’t underestimate yourself. Your social skills are needed by others at this time …in bed!
The near future holds a gift of contentment …in bed!
Your present plans will be successful …in bed!
An admirer is too shy to greet you …in bed!
Don’t worry about the stock market. Invest in family …in bed!
You will receive some prestigious prize or award within the month …in bed!
Your talents will prove to be especially useful this week …in bed!
There are big changes ahead for you …in bed!
You are imaginative in using your skills. Apply this next week …in bed!
Someone is interested in you. Keep your eyes open …in bed!
An unexpected windfall will soon be yours …in bed!
You will receive an unexpected gift from an acquaintance …in bed!
You will be successful through innovation and determination …in bed!
Listen these next few days to your friends to get answers you seek …in bed!
A simple kindness today will bring you great reward …in bed!
Someone is speaking well of you at this very moment! …in bed!
You are bright and witty …in bed!
You have an accurate and professional mind …in bed!
Executive ability is prominent in your makeup …in bed!
Your talents will capture you the highest status and prestige …in bed!
The star of happiness is shining on you …in bed!
Forge ahead with your new ideas …in bed!
Now is a lucky time for you — take a chance …in bed!
You will soon bring joy to someone new in your life …in bed!
Your persistence will pay off …in bed!
Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time! …in bed!
The wise thing to do is to prepare for the unexpected …in bed!
You will win favors when you expand your social circle …in bed!
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems …in bed!
You have an ambitious nature and will make a name for yourself …in bed!
Someone in your life needs a letter from you …in bed!
This week, you have a good head in matters of money …in bed!
Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news …in bed!
You will have many friends when you need them …in bed!
You will find your solution where you least expect it …in bed!
You will soon receive an usual [sic] gift of food for your health …in bed!
A small act of charity will go a long way …in bed!
Now is a good time to call a loved one at a distance from you …in bed!
An unexpected visitor will bring you good blessings …in bed!
You will be coming into a fortune …in bed!
Now is the time to set your sights high and go for it …in bed!
You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily …in bed!
Any doubts you may have will disappear early this month …in bed!
A new relationship is about to blossom. You will be blessed …in bed!
Someone is speaking well of you at this very moment …in bed!
You will soon be reunited with an old friend …in bed!
When one door closes, another one will open …in bed!
Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time …in bed!
You will win success in whatever you attempt …in bed!
You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend …in bed!
Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you …in bed!
This year your highest priority will be your family …in bed!
Your warmth radiates on those around you …in bed!
You will soon be the center of attention. Enjoy the spotlight …in bed!
Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goal. You will succeed …in bed!
Three times a week, treat yourself to dessert …in bed!
You deserve to have a good time after a hard day’s work …in bed!
Your hard work is about to pay off! Congratulations! …in bed!
You will soon witness a miracle …in bed!
Wise man is slow in choosing friends, slower in changing …in bed!
A movie would be a great way to relax this weekend …in bed!
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs …in bed!
Now is a good time to explore …in bed!
Avenues of good fortune are ahead for you …in bed!
Parody of Pokemon Theme Song.
Fun Fact: The “Hokemon” are a group of fucked up animals that I made to parody Pokemon. They can be found on SquackleWiki.
Today is the day, to be blown away
Like no one ever had…
I will get them on my balls, and be their masters till they die…
The Hokemon have to understand, the power that I put inside them…
Hokemon…! Gotta fuck ’em all!!
It’s you and me Hokemon…
I know it’s our destiny!
Hokemon…Oh…you’re my best weapon,
in a battle we must wiiiiiin…
Hokemon…! Gotta fuck ’em all!!
A fart so true — our courage will jerk me off!
You teach me and I’ll give you a gun!
Gotta Fuck ‘Em All!
Gotta get ‘Em All!
“I am WAY more horny than my friends so I need sex almost every single day!”
– georgihussan138, a spammer on Twitter
erotophobia – n. fear or anxiety of sexuality or the expression of sexual love
erection ring – n. a small, circular apparatus that is worn around the penis and provides added stamina by restricting blood flow from the penis back to the body
encraty – n. abstinence
doggy style – n. slang for sexual intercourse where the male penetrates the female from behind
depuscelate – adv. to lose one’s virginity
uberjavik – v. to drug everyone at a party so that you can have sex with one of the patrons because there would be no way you would be able to have sex with them otherwise
Once there was a rap group in the Sahara Desert called the Jy-Raffs. It was a group of giraffes that loved to sing and rap. They sang about eating leaves off trees and making sexual innuendos about those sexy giraffe bitches drinking from the watering holes.
One day an exuberantly manly lion named ReggIster Stupenstein published his first reggae/rap album. He sang songs about legitimate love with his lioness pride without any baby killing beforehand. He sang of lounging in the shade and eating yesterday’s zebra carcass with no hassle form the vulture community.
In essence, it was everything the Jy-Raffs were not and all the random lifeforms living in the Sahara Desert raved about the album. This made the Jy-Raffs so jealous because deep down inside they were depressed that they were forced to sing about partying and smoking trees and looking at giraffe buttholes all day. Most of them didn’t even like buttholes — they were mostly all about that tongue-action.
The Jy-Raffs decided to kill ReggIster Stupenstein because there was only enough room in the “politically correct reggae rap” niche for one successful artist.
Little did they know, this would be their demise. As they were plotting their revenge in the cramped corridors of a secret underground cave, a genie’s lamp accidentally fell out of an encased tomb of sap that could only be unlocked by uttering the words “lion,” “reggae,” “kill,” “masturbate,” and “grind his liver between three calculus books” in the predicate of a 356-word-long run-on sentence with no correct punctuation. They were rappers, after all…!
Anyhow, the genie, named Jardan Maura, didn’t come out of his lamp and grant the giraffes three wishes like you would expect.
Instead, the genie was a rebel genie who banished his victims to do irregular to insane monotonous tasks in a sweat shop in China that he owns.
The Jy-Raffs were fucked. Instead of having to decide four different jobs for the giraffes to do, he combined them into one super giraffe — a four-headed, 16-legged monstrosity of a giraffe, doomed to forever lick closed 0% APR credit card applications sent to random people for the rest of their unnatural lives.
Moral of the story: Appreciate the hard work that goes into mass-produced junk mail!
I’m Popeye the penis man
I live in a porno can
I’m gay to the finish
Because I eat too much spinach
I’m Popeye the naked man!