THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning … uphill BOTH ways

yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter.  With a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!  Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the JD usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!  When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600 ! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!  And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height!  If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control!  You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!

You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that!  If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy.

You’re spoiled.

You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

 

Stupid Names for Days

We all hear these funny plays off day’s names, and I always wonder why there is the need to elaborate or give meaning to a normal day of the week for an indefinite period of time.  So I decided to compile a list of all the dumb names we give to normal days of the week.  If you have others, leave a comment and I’ll add it to the list.

Sunday

  • Sunday Funday
  • “Pastime Day”: 3 Suns Ago Sunday
  • “Pastime Day”: Sentimental Sunday
  • Lazy Sunday
  • Sundaze
  • Selfie Sunday

Monday

  • “Pastime Day”: Previous Big Bang Monday
  • “Pastime Day”: Memory Monday

Tuesday

  • Taco Tuesday
  • Super Tuesday
  • “Pastime Day”: Too Late Tuesday
  • “Pastime Day”: Take Me Back Tuesday

Wednesday

  • “Pastime Day”: We’re Kinda Late Wednesday
  • “Pastime Day”: Way Back Wednesday
  • Hump Day

Thursday

  • “Pastime Day”: Throwback Thursday

Friday

  • “Pastime Day”: Flashback Friday
  • TGIF – Thank God It’s Friday / Thank Goodness It’s Friday

Saturday

  • “Pastime Day”: Old Saturday
  • “Pastime Day”: Slide-back Saturday
  • “Pastime Day”: Senti Saturday
  • Screenshot Saturday
 

Forever Repressed: The True Meaning of Flag Day

Scene I
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)

(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:

Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.

Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!

Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!

Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?

Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?

Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.

Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?

Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)

Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.

Scene II
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.

Voice: Psst. Kid.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?

Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…

Voice: Come into the alley.

(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)

Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.

Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.

Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.

Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?

Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day

Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!

Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.

Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?

Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?

Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.

Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.

Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.

Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!

Scene III
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)

Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.

(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)

 

The Procrastinator’s Calendar

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.

3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month’s last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day – Negotiation Day – has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

 

Joke #18652

Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, “What’s good tonight?”

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, “Anything over $13.95.”

 

Joke #12488

“You’re very beautiful,” the boss said to the new secretary.  “I’ll bet a lot of men ask you for dates.”

The girl smiled sweetly and replied, “Yes, but I don’t go out with anyone I find unattractive.  I let them down nicely by telling them I’m married.”

The boss nodded.  “That makes sense.  Say, are you busy Saturday night?”

“Yes,” she answered, “I’m getting married.”

 

Time is Relative

It all depends on how you spend it.  When you’re having a bad time, a minute seems more like an hour.  And when you’re having a good time, an hour seems more like a minute.

The ten years between 8 and 18 seem to pass more slowly than a snail, but the ten years between 25 and 35 zip past like a hare with a hot foot.

Driving your mother two blocks to the store seems to take forever, but driving your girlfriend 20 miles back to her house after a date doesn’t take long enough.

The 24 hours of a work day drag second by second, but the 24 hours of a Saturday are gone in the time it takes to wind your watch.

The half-hour you spend studying seems more like two hours, but the two hours you spend parked in front of the TV set seem more like a half-hour.

A two-hour date with an ugly girl is too long, but a four-hour date with a pretty girl is too short.

 

Joke #9380

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down.

Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, “I don’t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run…”

The physicist interrupted him: “…but you didn’t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning…”

“…so if you’re so hot why are you broke?” asked the engineer. But before the argument had a chance to grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

“Well,” he says, between puffs on the pipe, “first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical…”