” On Saturday, January 19, thousands of people came to see the Rose Parade in Pasadena — it was a fantastic parade this year!  The floats were effective to the people that were there.  There were so many flowers that you could smell them a mile away!”

- davepoobond

Tags: A DPB Tag, flower, January, rose, Saturday

Tagged People: davepoobond

Scene I
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)

(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:

Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.

Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!

Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!

Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?

Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?

Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.

Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?

Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)

Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.

-

Scene II
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.

Voice: Psst. Kid.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?

Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…

Voice: Come into the alley.

(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)

Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.

Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.

Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.

Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?

Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day

Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!

Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.

Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?

Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?

Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.

Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.

Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.

Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!

-

Scene III
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)

Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.

(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)

Tags: Bastille Day, commercial, Flag Day, Forever Repressed, government, mailman, marriage, Monday, Saturday, wrench

Tagged People: Matt Sussman

National Saturday-Detention Day – n. a holiday that occurs on October 25th.  May not always be on a Saturday.

Tags: holiday, holiday stuff, National Saturday-Detention Day, noun, Saturday

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.

3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month’s last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day – Negotiation Day – has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

Tags: calendar, Friday, Monday, Negotiation Day, Saturday, Sunday, Thursday, Tuesday, Wednesday

Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, “What’s good tonight?”

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, “Anything over $13.95.”

Tags: husband, money, restaurant, Saturday

A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.

Tags: Saturday, television, woman

“I do, I’ll give you Saturday, Sunday and Monday off”

- Mr. P-yooson

Note: “Monday” is Veteran’s Day

Tags: Monday, Saturday, Sunday, Veterans Day

Tagged People: Mr. P-yooson

Q: Where do computers go on Saturday night?

A: To a Disc-O.

Tags: computer, disco, Saturday

“You’re very beautiful,” the boss said to the new secretary.  “I’ll bet a lot of men ask you for dates.”

The girl smiled sweetly and replied, “Yes, but I don’t go out with anyone I find unattractive.  I let them down nicely by telling them I’m married.”

The boss nodded.  “That makes sense.  Say, are you busy Saturday night?”

“Yes,” she answered, “I’m getting married.”

Tags: boss, marriage, Saturday, sexual harassment, smile

Two kids were talking one day.  The first boy said, “I have to get a calendar.”

The other lad asked, “Why?”

The first boy answered, “Because yesterday I got sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school, and then I found out it was Saturday.”

Tags: calendar, Saturday, school

It all depends on how you spend it.  When you’re having a bad time, a minute seems more like an hour.  And when you’re having a good time, an hour seems more like a minute.

The ten years between 8 and 18 seem to pass more slowly than a snail, but the ten years between 25 and 35 zip past like a hare with a hot foot.

Driving your mother two blocks to the store seems to take forever, but driving your girlfriend 20 miles back to her house after a date doesn’t take long enough.

The 24 hours of a work day drag second by second, but the 24 hours of a Saturday are gone in the time it takes to wind your watch.

The half-hour you spend studying seems more like two hours, but the two hours you spend parked in front of the TV set seem more like a half-hour.

A two-hour date with an ugly girl is too long, but a four-hour date with a pretty girl is too short.

Tags: girlfriend, house, Saturday, snail, time, watch

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down.

Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, “I don’t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run…”

The physicist interrupted him: “…but you didn’t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning…”

“…so if you’re so hot why are you broke?” asked the engineer. But before the argument had a chance to grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

“Well,” he says, between puffs on the pipe, “first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical…”

Tags: engineer, mathematician, money, physicist, Saturday

Q: Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

A: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

Tags: Friday, Monday, Saturday, Sunday, Thursday, Tuesday, Wednesday

The other year in Aussie Rugby it was Sydney Tigers vs the Cowboys. John Hopoate in the Sydney Tigers tackles one of the footballers in the Cowboys and sticks his fingers right up his date! And it was caught LIVE on TV !!! And also made the papers too, front cover big picture of Hopoate with his fingers right up that poor bloke’s date! Hopoate has been known for datefingering other footballers before, and as a result of this incident got 12 months suspension hehehe !!! Hopoate is now known as either ‘brown fingers’ or ‘date fingers’!

Anyhow here’s a bunch of Hopoate jokes that are from a google group, these ain’t mine:

Shame about being sacked, Hopoate could have rectum.

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As much as things change they stay the same: Hopoate was in the shit, then he was caught, and now he’s still in the shit.

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If the police get involved, Hopoate could end up in the pokey.

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Now that he’s out of the game, Hopoate is desperate and dateless.

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Now that he has been sacked, it is rumoured that Hopoate is about to follow Mundine ringside.

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John Hopoate has been nominated for an Oscar for his lead role in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Finger”.

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Anagram of Hopoate: Poo Hate!

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Rugby league may be a Stone Age game, but it was first to enter the digital age.

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John Hopoate has changed his name. He is now known as John Hand-to-party.

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Hopoate has changed his name to Stop-a-farte.

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Q: Which finger did he use?

A: His ring finger.

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Q: How do the judiciary decide on this punishment?

A: Is there a ‘rule of thumb’?

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What’s the problem? He was only keeping up to date with his opponents.

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Did you hear, with Hopoate the Tigers have gone digital?

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The coach claimed the charge was a bum rap! Hopoate’s actions were merely a niggle!

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Headline: Police Wash Hands of Hopoate Antics!

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Let’s hope he doesn’t bite his fingernails.

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A view from a fan: this leaves a foul taste in my mouth.

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Hopoate’s defense: it was only a brown eye gouge.

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Hopoate’s defense: they were giving me cheek.

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Hopoate’s defense: Honest, he was just lying prostate on the ground.

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Hopoate’s defense: I saw an opening and went for it.

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Hopoate’s defense: The coach told me to penetrate their defenses.

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Hopoate’s defense: Its just the old one hand tackle.

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He must be getting married. I heard Hopoate was checking out some rings on Saturday night.

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Hopoate: the human thermometer.

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Q: What’s John Hopoate’s favourite biscuits?

A: Chocolate fingers.

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Q: What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a north Queensland cowboy?

A: You can stick 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

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Q: What’s Hoppa’s favourite cake?

A: A Finger Bun.

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“I think the criticism levelled at Hoppa is totally unfounded, he is being fingered for a crime he did not commit”. Coach Lamb.

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I heard that Hoppa has a segment on the footy show called Hoppa’s Up-date

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What’s the bet Terry Lamb will tell him to pull his finger out

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John Hopoate: Public Enema Number 1

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Headline: Hoppa “piles” on the tries.

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“Players don’t report cases like Hopoate’s because they’d be the butt of all jokes” – Roy Masters (former West’s Coach)

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Is the whole thing a three-ring circus?

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A chance for Channel 9′s The Footy Show to make something of its “player probe”?

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Hopoate to have a cameo role in the digitally enhanced versions of The Lord Of The Rings and Finger of Guilt.

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How come Field and McGuinness got six months for cocaine but Hopoate only got 12 weeks for crack?

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Do The Hopoate
==============
You put your left thumb in
You pull your left thumb out
You put your left thumb in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hopoate and you turn the game around
And that’s what it’s all about.

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The John Hopoate Virus: your computer will insert random digits – often where they are quite unwanted

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Perhaps something good will come out of Hopoate’s poking about.

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Did you hear the league is going to crack down on Hopoate.

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Q: What did the other player sing when John Hopoate stuck his finger up his bum?

A: “Baby you are the one you really turn me on you can stick your finger up my hole again”

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Q: What is John Hopoate’s biscuit?

A: Shrewsbury, because of the hole in the middle.

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Q: What does Hopoate like doing at a game?

A: Picking player of the match.

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Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony.

Stuck a finger up his arse

and said “I am John Hopoate”

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John Hopoate is the butt of everybody’s jokes.

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After John Hopoate was suspended Manly offered him a job at the clubhouse. He was to go around the bar pushing in stools.

Tags: biscuit, bowling ball, brown fingers, cowboy, football, hopoate, Lord of the Rings, prostate, Saturday, thermometer, tiger

Tagged People: John Hopoate

Q: Which are the stronger days of the week?

A: Saturday and Sunday – the rest are weekdays.

Tags: Friday, Monday, Saturday, Sunday, Thursday, Tuesday, Wednesday