tuveuseroc – n. a rock that looks like at least four different presidents, depending on the angle you look at it
Q: What did the rock eat on his birthday?
A: Marble cake.
iraotseupte – v. to eat a rock after pissing on it and then yell at the moon
(Julia is hiding under a rock)
Johnathon Huxworthy: Hey Julia, why are you hiding under that rock?
Julia: Shhh! The sun might hear me!
Johnathon Huxworthy: Which sun?
Julia: The big bright one that shoots those rays of light at my face! That guy is so mean!
Johnathon Huxworthy: You know, Julia, if you wore a hat from Odin Shops you wouldn’t have to be afraid of the sun and get out from under that rock.
Julia: Wow… I never thought of that.
Johnathon Huxworthy: Obviously…
Julia: You know what else is kinda hot?
Johnathon Huxworthy: I haven’t the slightest —
Johnathon Huxworthy: Oh… Kay…
Julia: I think there’s space underneath this rock for both of us.
Johnathon Huxworthy: Yeah, you see, I’m not into girls who hide under rocks. See ya.
Julia: I feel so alone.
Sun: Hey Julia, I can keep you company.
Automatic Man messaged me what I had written on Squackle as an update…
Automatic Man: Yesterday, I was driving on a freeway back from KFC, with a large (the really big one) box of Popcorn Chicken (mmh mmh do I love Popcorn Chicken) when all of a sudden something brown flew through the air and then smashed into my windwhield and made two huge holes in it. Glass flew everywhere, and I don’t know what the hell it was or whether someone threw it or if it got thrown up by another car’s tires. If it was someone throwing it, I want to kill them, because now I have to replace the windshield of the Turbo Diesel Ground Force (the name of my car).
Automatic Man: ahahahaaha
Automatic Man: it was me!
davepoobond: what are you talkin about
davepoobond: you didn’t throw that shit
Automatic Man: shhh! yes i did
davepoobond: what was it then
Automatic Man: a big brown thing, possibly a rock
davepoobond: unh hunh..
Automatic Man: its true
davepoobond: why aren’t you more specific
Automatic Man: cuz i was high at the time
Automatic Man: because i got high
Automatic Man: becuase i got high
davepoobond: i saw you right after i came into the school parking lot, jackass
Auto response from Automatic Man: stupid research paper! brb
Automatic Man: ya i drive and run just that fast
Automatic Man: mmm english muffin
Automatic Man: >:o
davepoobond: english muffins are good toasted
davepoobond: you know what else is good toasted?
davepoobond: the En Vogue CD “funky DIVAS”
Automatic Man: lol
Automatic Man: i had a toasted english muffin with yogurt butter on it (its like butter, but made from yogurt so its not as bad for you)
davepoobond: yeah i have that yogurt butter crap too
davepoobond: its good
davepoobond: better than substitute shit
Automatic Man: brummel and brown baby
davepoobond: me too
davepoobond: the big ol’ tubs
Automatic Man: its good shit
Automatic Man: i have a small 1
davepoobond: we used to get small ones
Automatic Man: but we dont use it that much
davepoobond: they stopped sellin them small or something
davepoobond: there’s these tubs
davepoobond: that last about a month or something
Automatic Man: hmmm
davepoobond: around here anyway
Automatic Man: like a regular size butter 1? or the gigantic dave size TUBs?
davepoobond: you know the “i can’t believe its not butter” tubs
davepoobond: that size
Automatic Man: ya
Automatic Man: thats wut i have
Automatic Man: bout 3 inches in diamter
davepoobond: its a pound
Automatic Man: hmm
Automatic Man: i dunno
davepoobond: it says what it weighs on there
Automatic Man: but were having too deep a conversation about butter
davepoobond: its not butter
davepoobond: its 35% veggie oil
Automatic Man: whatever the hell it is
davepoobond: 25% yogurt
davepoobond: and the rest is butter i guess
Automatic Man: lol
davepoobond: do you know who En Vogue is
Automatic Man: singer?
davepoobond: its a group
davepoobond: of 4 black females
Automatic Man: oh
Automatic Man: o well
davepoobond: there’s a movie named “duets”
davepoobond: and i have the soundtrack for some reason
davepoobond: it has the guy from big fat liar that was colored blue
davepoobond: i dont know his name
Automatic Man: o
davepoobond: did you finish your research paper
Automatic Man: not yet
Automatic Man: almost
davepoobond: i’ve got 8 pgs
davepoobond: 8 full pgs
Automatic Man: oh
Automatic Man: well
Automatic Man: see right now im using wordpad cuz this POS comp doesnt have word so i have to move it to my good comp after i finish so i can actually break it down into PAGES
davepoobond: the spice girls are kinda funny
Auto response from Automatic Man: id like to talk, but im on the home stretch of my research paper, and i wanna finish soon
There once was a man from china
who wasnt a brilliant climber
he fell from a rock
damaged his cock
and now he has a vagina
Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Harry, “What should we do?”
“I’m not sure.” said his partner. “But don’t move him! If we just leave him here he’s an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty.”
TEACHER: “Who started this fight?”
BILLY: “Donald threw a rock at me, so I threw one back.”
TEACHER: “Why didn’t you come to me?”
BILLY: “Because your aim isn’t as good as mine.”
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called, “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Q: How do hard rockers keep their teeth straight?
A: Heavy metal braces.
Q: What do rock stars do if they catch fire?
A: Stop, rock and roll.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a rock formation with a bison?
A: A bluff-alo.