cock ring – n. a device such as a leather strap or rubber ring that is placed at the base of the penis in order to restrict blood flow and lengthen the duration of an erection, or to prolong ejaculation.
Written by Dave Barry.
I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It’s a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.
Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it’s a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?
I say this because it’s a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like ”Flagodirt” or ”Grempkin.” So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney’s in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions — Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf — in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I’m just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I’m really short!
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It’s time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4)
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)
FRODO: How come, if I’m the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I’m stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it’s because your big hairy feet make you look like you’re wearing a pair of dead weasels.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba’Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!
LEGOLAS: Now you’re just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it’s not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I’m still short!
FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?
SAMWISE: That ”Weasel Feet” would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would ”Kung Fu Trees” and ”Combat Alfalfa.” But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be…
SAMWISE: No! Not that!
FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.
As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, “Mom, I’ve been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?”
“Nothing,” I answered back. “Why?”
He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: “ACH 00”
“Will England put on the ring and get married?”
– Mrs. DYKE
Q: How do telephones get married?
A: They just give each other a ring.
“Why do you wear your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Simple. I married the wrong person.”
Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The jeweler made me give the ring back,
The money was due!
glar – n. an O-ring you can pass a watermelon through
One day, in a small city called Kingsburg in California there live a family of four people. There are two parents with two children. One child is a girl and the other is a girl also. The two children don’t get along very well probably because of their age difference. Their parents think of everything, trying to make them get along. When they have an idea they would write it down on a piece of paper and later that day they would try it.
The five-year-old girl is named Tina, and the other seven-year-old daughter is named Susan. One idea that the parents came up with is to take them both to their Aunt Helen’s house, so that they can spend some quiet time together in the playroom. The parents thought that they might just get along if they get to play pirates or Robin Hood or some other game like that together.
It worked at first when they were playing Sleeping Beauty. But after awhile they began arguing and arguing led to fighting. They were fighting about who will be the witch and who will be the princess. The parents sighed and had to go back to the drawing board. Another idea the parents came up with that might just bring their two children to become civil with each other is to assign Tina and Susan, to a project. Their project turned out to be a Birthday card for their Aunt Helen.
That idea didn’t work because Tina drew a heart on the top left corner of the card, red and Susan wanted it to be blue. So they began fighting once again. The parents sighed and tried again. The next idea for the children is to switch places for a day. If they do this, they can find out something interesting about each other.
At first, Tina and Armen thought that this idea was going to be fun but after the day went by, they hated the idea because Tina went into her room and Armen went into his room. When the parents said that they also had to switch rooms for the night, the two kids started to cry. The parents started getting very frustrated with this whole situation. After thinking for awhile, they came up with a very simple and, at the same time, genius solution.
That simple solution was to politely ask Tina and Armen to participate and really try to get along. The two parents told them what they were trying to do for so long which was to try to make Tina and Susan to get along. Their kids understood because they too were sick of fighting every day. About a week later the two parents saw much improvement with their kids, and they are now a very happy family.
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?” The shepherd, always the gentlemen replied, “Of course.” The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.”
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, “You’re right! Okay, I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.” The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “Okay, now I have a propostition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?”
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.
“Oh yeah,” says Carries father, “our Carrie really loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we’d let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
harringtoe – n. a hairy ring toe
hagaseso – n. candy jewelry. Such as Candy Necklace, Ring Pop, Licorice Rope
guggenheim – v. to have a German manwhore rip your nipple ring off.
Ex. Dah! I went to Europe and was guggenheimed!