Squacklecast Episode 28 – “So Long, Mr. Boner”

This entry is part 28 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

Episode 28!

Happy Founder’s Day everyone!  It has been 22 years since anyone last cared about it, but TODAY is the day we do!

Today we have Unnamedhero joining us on the show.

We talk about the Angry Birds movie trailer a bit, which leads to a discussion about reality shows, somehow.

The Pope is in town and we talk about that a little bit.  I don’t care about religion that much, so here’s some picture.

 

funnypopefrancis

Oh, Pope Francis!  You so great!

Twenty Eleven or Two thousand and eleven?  We spend like 10 minutes talking about how to say numbers.

We skip to John Boehner and talk about how big of a cry baby he is.

johnboehnercryingpope

 I’m gonna miss one thing about Mr. Boner.  Well, two.

We go into the Republican debates/controversies a bit.  I bring up my Twitter interactions with random crazy conservatives who are outraged over renamed mountains and clocks.

We also announce the new Apple clothing store, iRack.  Only black shirts.  Then somehow Billy knows random actors who wear all black.

We go over some presidential predictions, and then go into some Fall TV talk.  Gotham is back.  This leads into a bigger discussion about plotlines and story in comic book TV shows and movies.  James Bond stuff comes up.  Billy saw the new Fantastic Four.  We talk about it.

We go over super heroes and what their party affiliations would probably be.  The consensus may surprise you on some of the famous heroes!

That’s it for today!  Hopefully the next episode isn’t too far away…

 

The Middle East and the World

During the Cold War, the United States fought communist threats in Turkey and Beef, while the Soviet Union found allies in the four Middle Eastern countries of Zimbabwe and South Africa.  In 1967, Israel won the stinky poop from Syria, East Jerusalem and the West Bank from Chuck E. Cheese, and the swap meet and Sinai Peninsula from Argentina.

Israel refused to give up these territories until Arab nations recognized their right to have indoor plumbing.  Meanwhile, the PTA waged guerrilla war against Israelis both at home and abroad.  When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, the peace process was accelerated because everyone just wanted to sit down and eat pizza.  In 1993, a historic agreement was signed between Chuck E. Cheese and Barney the Dinosaur.  People on both sides criticized the agreement as world leaders worked hard to bring peace to the region.

In Lebanon, the government depended on a delicate balance among beer and margaritas.  When beer began to outnumber margaritas, unrest spread.  In 1975, civil war broke out in Lebanon.  Not until 1990 did Lebanese leaders finally restore some order.

In the Persian Gulf, tensions were fed by the Public Broadcasting Service showing Sesame Street.  Then, in 1980, Iraqi dictator Stinky Stewssein attacked Iran.  The war lasted eight years and both sides suffered heavy casualties.  Stewssein again acted aggressively in 1990 when he sent Iraqi troops into Bahrain.

United States President George Bush organized American, European, and Arab forces to drive Iraq out of Bahrain.  For years after the war, UN economic assing stopped Iraq from selling its oil abroad.  The goal was force Stewssein to stop making stinky stew and vegetable oil.

 

#22095: DonutLover -> davepoobond

davepoobond is on a dating site… and then…

DonutLover: hey

davepoobond: hi

davepoobond: how’s it going

DonutLover: slowly..tired but not sleepy…

DonutLover: hows your night going

davepoobond: not bad, just trying to waste the last couple of hours of the day before going to sleep

DonutLover: i hear ya

DonutLover: how has this site been for you

davepoobond: pretty crappy actually, dont really get many interactions from people

davepoobond: you’re the 2nd person to actually say more than 1 thing to me heh

davepoobond: how about for you

DonutLover: hah, same deal, i look through these profiles and mostly find myself thinking …why does he have his shirt off or what a retard…i know…harsh critic

davepoobond: i see nothing but variations of “please keep your shirt on” or stuff like that on girls profiles

DonutLover: haha..really

davepoobond: yeah, its getting kinda boring at this point. i dont see any girls without their shirts on, so i’m wondering what i’m missing

DonutLover: im pretty sure theres some sluty gals around….put some effort into looking davepoobond

davepoobond: hahah well that was a joke 😛

DonutLover: “no”,,,,,”really”….?! lol

davepoobond: 😉

davepoobond: so whats your favorite kind of doughnut

DonutLover: Jelly filled…what about you

davepoobond: old-fashioned

davepoobond: as long as it doesnt taste like carrots

davepoobond: ive had one that tasted like carrots, it was very confusing

DonutLover: carrots?…were you high?

DonutLover: Kidding kidding

DonutLover: 🙂

davepoobond: no, it was the morning, so might as well have been

DonutLover: hahaha….

DonutLover: So…how was your monday

davepoobond: it was a normal monday i suppose. went to work and then came back home and watched some netflix

davepoobond: how about yours

DonutLover: well..didnt have to work..apparently its a presidents bday or something..but i did have to go fix some major paperwork mistakes i hid earlier in the week

DonutLover: what do you do for milk money kiddo

davepoobond: well uh Martin Luther King wasn’t a president, but i guess that’s close enough haha 😛

DonutLover: im glad you get my sarcasm..o.0

davepoobond: just makin sure!

davepoobond: i do video editing for an investigations company and freelance video editing as well on the side

DonutLover: sounds….entertaining…..

DonutLover: dot dot dot..lol

davepoobond: very. i’ve always been good with computers, and i love to act smart about things people dont know about, and no one knows anything about video, so therein lies where i make money

davepoobond: and i can rub it in people’s faces too and its easier to act like i know what im doing

DonutLover: arent you charming…hah, i must say i am jealous of tech geeks…there so useful..them and wilderness firefighters..

davepoobond: are you around a lot of fires in the wilderness?

DonutLover: no..but i mean..knowing me..im pretty sure..itll happen

davepoobond: guess it’d be good to keep a pocket fire extinguisher then

DonutLover: they have those?

davepoobond: sure. imagination makes anything possible.

DonutLover: hmmmm….itd be less weight if i just brought a wilderness ff along though

davepoobond: but how would he fit in your pocket

DonutLover: obviously gamers dudes dont use logics much..eh davebond

DonutLover: id carry him on my back

DonutLover: dah

davepoobond: how long have you had a profile for

DonutLover: not sure..i made it along time ago.and havent been on in a while…

davepoobond: into any movies at all?

DonutLover: classics…what are you into

davepoobond: everything

DonutLover: agh…thats specific

davepoobond: i was a film major, so there isn’t a movie that i can’t or won’t watch

davepoobond: the absolute worst movie i have ever seen was Da Hip Hop Witch

davepoobond: and i almost turned it off it was so terrible

DonutLover: haha…awkward

DonutLover: why were you even watching it?

davepoobond: whats your favorite classic movie then

davepoobond: cause i heard Eminem was in it, and that it was supposed to be a parody of The Blair Witch Project

davepoobond: and i thought he was going to be going through the woods with some middle schoolers

davepoobond: but it was nothing like that at all

DonutLover: hahahaha…goodness….i like how that appeals to you..well my classics are not the norms of the designated, i just prefer black and whites, anything with spencer tracey and older war flics..

davepoobond: spencer tracey huh.

DonutLover: for some reason i have no interest in modern comedy..like those bachlor films

DonutLover: tracy gable wayne..i know im a patriot

davepoobond: touch of evil and philadelphia are a couple of ones ive seen that i like

davepoobond: citizen kane until the end was great. i thought the ending was dumb

DonutLover: ive never seen citizen kane

DonutLover: what happens at the ending

davepoobond: geez i cant spoil the ending for you

davepoobond: there’d be no point in watching it

DonutLover: exactly

DonutLover: help a stranger out

DonutLover: odds are….youll enjoy it

davepoobond: enjoy what?

davepoobond: spoiling a movie?

DonutLover: haha….fine ill google it

DonutLover: goodness

davepoobond: at least im not the catalyst

DonutLover: you and your big words

davepoobond: indubitably

DonutLover: i concure

DonutLover: cure

DonutLover: hah

davepoobond: making up words now? awkward

DonutLover: awkwardly awesome

davepoobond: that was actually an inside joke.

davepoobond: cause i’ve made about oh i dont know… 6000 words

DonutLover: and how far has that got ya craphead

davepoobond: i dont know, ill let you know when it gets me somewhere

DonutLover: haha…so i guess well never know then

davepoobond: i found this one girl’s profile where she says she wouldnt mind sleeping on a grave for a first date

DonutLover: shes a keeper

She leaves the chat. Apparently she wasn’t very interested.

 

#21227: Malaky -> Toby

malaky: And then I kill you.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: I didn’t kill you yet. Come back to life.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: now die.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: Very well, now that you are dead, come back to life and discuss 19th Century politics with me.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: The Whig Party: Why couldn’t they elect a president that would live?

Toby: It’s damn near impossible.

Toby: All of our presidents have been Masons.

Toby: Except Kennedy, who was killed for not being a Mason.

malaky: You bring a good point, but what did slavery have to do with it all?

Toby: Masons used to be all about slavery until they finally let African Americans become Masons. Then it was all over.

malaky: The downfall of humanity, you mean?

Toby: I’d say so.

malaky: Then let me ask this: Who made John Travolta a star?

Toby: I would imagine that was not an act of the Masons, but someone sold their soul for that one.

malaky: Wouldn’t that be two souls? The man came close to an Oscar.

Toby: Nah, Oscars are the work of Masons.

malaky: And the Billboard Music Awards?

Toby: Nah, that stuff’s just retarded.

malaky: Then why haven’t the Masons killed Osama Bin Laden yet?

Toby: they’re workin’ on that.

Toby: they gotta get the European Masons more involved.

malaky: Damn them to hell.

malaky: Damn them…….to hell.

Toby: Oh, they’re waiting.

Toby: They’ve got a meeting in hell in 2015

malaky: Really? Hell? I thought they closed down that convention hall after the Nazis tried reforming again.

Toby: Nah, they reformed it.

malaky: Oh. Bummer.

malaky: You a member?

Toby: If I were, I wouldn’t be able to tell you I was unless you were one.

malaky: I see your point.

malaky: Toby, is Tina Fey hot?

Toby: Hello Fellow Mason.

Toby: *does the handshake*

Toby: *whew* I was wondering when you’d say the password.

malaky: I take my time.

Toby: That’s good. So how’s the business?

malaky: corrupt.

Toby: just what we like to hear!

malaky: I’m being prosecuted, so I’m fleeing jurisdiction.

Toby: Where to?

malaky: Now if I told you, wouldn’t that be breaking one of the cardinal rules?

Toby: nope, unless you were going somewhere other than the designated Mason refugee camps.

malaky: Oh. In that case, I am going to one of the designated refugee camps.

malaky: And if people ask, my name is Father Hernotwith and I have been holy my entire life.

Toby: We wouldn’t have it any other way.

malaky: I’ve also considered hiding in a dishwasher.

Toby: Ooh, primo choice. What kind of soap will you be using?

malaky: I haven’t decided yet.

Toby: May I suggest Pine?

malaky: You may.

malaky: But I’m still selling my child for food money.

Toby: those food stamps are worth a lot.

malaky: Is 50 a good price?

Toby: Per stamp, yes.

Toby: I’d shoot for 55, though.

Toby: Just say “you’re breakin my balls here.”

malaky: For good measure, I’d actually break their balls in return right?

Toby: Oh ya, but it was supposed to be a threat.

malaky: In that case, I’m sleeping with your mother’s favorite goat.

malaky: And we’re expecting.

Toby: Shultzy doesn’t understand Masonry.

malaky: You can’t deny my love for the goat forever you know.

malaky: sometimes, when I’m asleep at night, I dream of a new basement. Is this abnormal?

Toby: Not in the least.

malaky: And it has three TVs. What does this symbolize.

Toby: you like TV?

malaky: Actually, I like the refrigerator more.

malaky: Dude, food just appears in that thing.

Toby: Food is SOOOO good!

malaky: One time, I ate so much food that I ate more.

malaky: I’d just like to say that Harry Potter is a hermaphrodite.

Toby: He told me personally.

malaky: Good news should be spread.

Toby: I’ll kill that fucker.

malaky: If you do, pick up Dave Matthews on the way.

malaky: And we’ll hold hands, sit in a circle, and declare how manly we are.

Toby: i hate that fucker.

malaky: I think I love citrus. Is there something wrong with me?

Toby: Citrus is a flavor for all.

 

Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti

If bathroom graffiti were written in such a way that it was “intellectual” you might see stuff like this…

Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors.

Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background.

Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos.

Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister.

Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best.

For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me.

You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.

You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust.

Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You.

I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister’s Derriere.

The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions.

The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant.

A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother.

For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555.

Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment.

The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate.

Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under “Whore.”

Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual.

Your Father’s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock.

President Bush is Missing a Chromosome.

The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.

 

Book Review

Rachel has just written a book called Heil in the Freaky Jugs.  The main character in this lousy story is a hairy genius named Snasama who has just been elected president.  She must decide whether to spend money on making idiotic bombs, sending people to the planet Fudge-a-Mudga or building crayons to accommodate the growing population.  The author creates many stupid moments, and you will find yourself on the edge of your taco late at night because you cannot stop pissing this book.

Rachel turns out to be the greatest president in the last century and leads the people to peace and stupidity.  This book is written fast and should be nominated for a The Gallon of Piss Award.

 

Joke #18720

Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to ‘good manure’ that must be used on flowers.

Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, “Bess, can’t you get the President to say fertilizer instead of manure?”

The First Lady replied, “Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say ‘manure’.”

 

The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

15. To Kill A Walking Bird

14. My Best Friend’s Dressing

13. Thighs Wide Shut

12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11. Casserolablanca

10. The Fabulous Baster Boys

9. 12 Hungry Men

8. Silence of the Yams

7. For Love of The Game Hen

6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5. All the President’s Menu

4. White Meat Can’t Jump

3. When Harry Met Salad

2. The Story of U.S.

1. The Wing and I

 

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!