Quote #22187

::Everyone is eating dinner at a restaurant near a window::

::davepoobond’s dad goes outside to smoke a cigarette::

::Everyone keeps talking::

::dadpoobond goes up near the window while he is smoking and shakes his head, nods his head, acting like he can hear and is part of the conversation::

– at a Mexican restaurant, 6/19/07


Oops I Bit It Again

Parody of Britney Spears – Oops I Did It Again

Some people just blow..

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I think I bit it again..
I gave you relief, my braces are bent-

Oh babay-

It might seem like a crush-
But it doesn’t mean,
That I’m tearing up… (no tears no)
‘Cause to remove my dentures-
Would be so frightful to see…

Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same..
Oh babay, babay
Oops, you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.

You need to wobble like this-
And screaming I say:
“I wish this here nose,
Didn’t look like this..”
I try watching your ways..
Can’t you see that I drool
Endlessly for days..
But to lose my dentures,
That’s just too frightful to see..

Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same..
Oh babay, babay
Oops,you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.

“On all fours!”

Before you go,
There’s something I want you to have..”
“Oh, a noodle toy!! But I’m late for dinner..Isn’t this?”
“Yeah,with extra fizz..”
“But I thought that ‘Old Faithful’ stopped with
No lotion or gin”
“Well baby, I went down &,popped it for you..”
“Oh you shouldn’t have..”

Oh babay
Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same..
Oh baby, baby
Oops, you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.

Oops I bit it again
I grated your parts,
Then flossed all the same
Oh baby, baby
Oops, you think that I love
This hint of a shove–
I’m not that into it.


Joke #21163

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.  He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.  It was the best meal he ever had.

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”.

“No,” she replies… “You just happened to catch my eye.”


Quote #21078: AT&T Phone Call

One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying I’m really not interested, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a rate of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…
AT&T: (click)


Joke #18711

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?”

Jerry answered, “Dad says, ‘Go easy on the butter, kids, it’s three dollars a pound!'”


Joke #18664

Our daughter Wendy stayed home to housesit while my wife and I went away for our anniversary. As she was eating dinner, the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.

Wendy: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Good evening. May I speak to Mr. Gallamore?”

Wendy: “I’m sorry, but he’s out of town celebrating his wedding anniversary.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, I understand. Well, then, may I please speak to Mrs. Gallamore?”


Joke #18571

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re aking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”