Note: Don’t actually do this, please.
1. Get a bunch of your friends and people that would like to join your gang that you don’t hate, and drop out of school. Or go to school and make your school your gang’s territory.
2. Name your gang from this list, and choose a theme:
- The Cazzys
- Foo Foo Tinas
- The Tutu Posse
- Mean Clowns that Bark
- The Crazy Kitties
- The Counts of Monte Cristo
- The Vampire Squad
- The CraZys (notice the misspelling)
- The Miss Pellers
- The Hotties
- The Coldies
- The Assrammers
- The Spider
- Las Silla Locas (The Crazy Chairs)
- The Guys that Follow You Home
- The Second of Man
- Summer Time
- The Super Marios
- The Crown Jewels
- The Homeless
- We Breathe
- Tarzan RULES
- The Swat Katz
- Allison Chains
- The Bud Light Buddies
- The Treks
- The Reservation (only allowed to be a Native American-themed gang)
- Gay – everyone has man sex, no women allowed
- Lesbian – everyone has hot steamy woman sex, no men allowed
- Arrogant – everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else. If you get 2 of them in the same neighborhood, watch out!
- Latino – everyone talks with a latino accent, and they listen to music made by WCW wrestlers who can’t get a job at the WWF/WWE.
- Black – everyone talks in Ebonics, listens to rap, watches BET only (with the occasional dash of CNN, just to see what the white man is saying about the black man), and never visits Squackle
- White – everyone is white, and sometimes includes albinos. Squackle is a recently visited web site, mostly among the Western Europeans. Usually does not include Eastern Europeans, unless they’re Americanized. Can be broken down into NRA (mostly Americans), Mafia (mostly Italians), and others.
- Soviet – everyone is mainly Eastern European, Russian, or just can’t be considered black or purely white.
- Arab – everyone listens to Arab music, and they usually kill everyone that doesn’t have heritage from a country that doesn’t have endless deserts, huge oil deposits, and blistering heat. (which is pretty much everywhere except Southern California)
- Albino Black Guy – everyone is an albino or an albino black guy. You won’t see them out during the day.
- Cheerleader – everyone is a hot cheerleader. Watch out for their sexy ass shakes and pom poms. They’ll fuck you then stab you in the back. Either way they fuck you, I guess. They usually only listen to the popular music at the time, and hate anything older than a month, including music they used to like.
- Ugly Cheerleader – usually known as the Color Guard, these girls couldn’t get into the Cheerleading squad, so they had to go to the second level — Color Guard. Everyone is either ugly or moderately good looking. They listen to the popular music at the time, and usually don’t hate music they used to like. They say everything else just “isn’t their flavor.”
- Suicidal Teenager – everyone is a suicidal teenager. Watch out for these suckers, cause when they snap…they kill themselves. They usually listen to intelligent music like Mozart, Beethoven, or Slayer
- Agent Smith – everyone is Agent Smith. Wouldn’t actually be a reality, unless this were actually the Matrix and Agent Smith took over lots of people’s bodies and made his own gang for fun. Everyone would have the same hair cut and the same suit. They would all talk in unison or an echo-like type of speech, so it would be in a wave that you hear anything. Kind of weird. They’re a hive mind or whatever so they can do that kind of weird shit. If you don’t know who Agent Smith is, watch a Matrix movie.
- The Military – a government regulated gang, where they’re gonna make you think Hell is an amusement park with the training they give you. The Military can do whatever they damn well please, because in a sense, they rule the country.
- The Militia – a group of commonfolk from a certain town that get together on the weekends and shoot at trees and deer. They don’t really do anything that helpful, except waste trees and buy bullets from K-Mart.
- Heavy Metal – this gang doesn’t do anything but sit on mattresses in a basement, listening to heavy metal from the 80s and 90s (possibly some from later years), and beat the shit out of anyone who thinks their music sucks. They usually have long hair or really short hair. Usually have tattoos, and most of them play an instrument like a guitar, bass, drums or an accordian. Some even play a triangle (those guys are bad mother fuckers)
- Soccer Mom – these bitches never shut the fuck up. When they invade other territories, they bring their endless lines of minivans with soccer team after soccer team in each minivan. These soccer teams will beat the shit out of you if they believe they can get a Capri-Sun after doing so. Stupid manipulative soccer mom bitches.
- Internet Geeks – these people never leave their chairs, and its amazing how most of them aren’t fat. Rather than being an “IRL” (also known as “In Real Life”) Gang, they are moreover an online-sort of gang, and hack into other people’s computers either for pleasure or to find porn because their parents put a Cyber Cop program on their computer so they can’t go to any porn sites, so they have to get it by hacking other people’s computers.
- Demon – spawns of Hell or humans possessed by the Devil. These guys usually listen to Anti-Christ music and promote abortion, just so they can piss off the Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks.
- Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks – these stupid fuckers bomb abortion clinics and would wish for nothing but having every teenager’s penis cut off, as well as everyone who has one that has sex more than 1 time and is unsuccessful at impregnation.
- Trekkies – everyone is a Star Trek fan. These idiots can’t face reality, so they usually fight their gang fights with their photon laser weapons that haven’t been invented yet, so they have to make their own sound effects
- Native American – a Native American gang whose motto is “we’re still here.” They harp on about the “Native Era” when the Native Americans ruled all of America before the white man came and had sex with their antelopes.
3. Now that you have your gang name, you have to name you and your friends. Pick names from this list:
- Foyf – short for Fart On Your Face
- Spoyc – short for Spit Poop On Your Chair
- Dip – short for Dingo In Propulsion
- Dop – short for Donkeys on Parade
- Boink – short for Big Orange Industrial Noogie Kaka
- Fnb – short for Freaky Nugget Boy
- Brig – short for Bunny Rump In Ginger
- Gog – short for Goofy On Goo
- Li,ne (pronounced Line) – short for Lick Iguanas, Naughty Elf
- Cwafa – short for Crab With a French Accent
- Yagoga – short for Yellow Antelopes Go Over Green Apples
- Smit – short for Smelly Monkeys in Tents
4. Get some guns, bazookas, knives and boxes full of beanie babies, and gloves. You have to wear the gloves at all times, it covers your fingerprints. Recruit all the guys you can, to make your gang big, and a problem.
5. Now, go to any street not named Percy or Pansy. Hold that street like it was your home, because now it is!
6. For practice, stab the beanie babies you got in the boxes with your knives, shoot them with your guns, and beat them down with large, painful looking sticks.
7. Just in case cops come, take out the magazine of real bullets in your gun and put in a magazine of blanks and say, “You were only practicing your aim with blank bullets.” If the cop doesn’t believe you, start whacking the guy with those sticks that you got and use your fancy knifing work. Take his body out into an alley and dump him in a trash can. No one will find him until next trash day, and by then all the evidence will be shat on by cats (if you were stupid enough to leave any), so it won’t matter.
8. If any other gang tries to invade your territory, do what comes to mind…KILL’EM! And then after you kill them all, take over their territory, and then adopt all the dead gang member’s moms and dads, so they can give you pasta every Sunday.
9. Once a territory that you hold has been in your gang’s possession for a long time, make it a state. It is reccomended that you register this new mini-state with the U.S. Government, so that you’ll have exclusive rights over the acquired state, but they’ll probably just send the Army after you, then you’ll really be fucked. So, you probably shouldn’t do that.
10. Live, and make sure your fellow gang members do too.