#23110: condemnedgirly705 -> davepoobond

condemnedgirly705: Was up there…

davepoobond: oh hai how r u

condemnedgirly705: Hey 🙂 do we know each other?

davepoobond: idk do we????

condemnedgirly705: lol its ok I was just looking for someone to chat with and it said you were online, I hope you don’t mind chatting with a bored single 23/f ? 🙂

davepoobond: oh really??????

condemnedgirly705: mmmhmmm <3

davepoobond: do you like to go to the park???

condemnedgirly705: yea and i’ll do whatever you want me to do…

davepoobond: like what???

condemnedgirly705: so..What kinda girls you in to? Are you in to BIG TITS or a BIG BOOTY? ;)~

davepoobond: what is that???

condemnedgirly705: lol.. I have a lot of both!! 😉 I have some free time now my roommate went out…I guess I love to tease 😉 Wanna see? its up to u…im in the mood lol

davepoobond: you are making no sense?!??!?!

condemnedgirly705: Ok… let me set my cam up and I’ll show u my booty shaking skillz ..tell me if u like it ok ? LOL.. brb

davepoobond: u r crzy

condemnedgirly705: Ok, click here and it will bring u to my private 1on1 chat..There’s a few pix of me in there, click the “Accept Invite” to the left, then register and it’ll take you straight to my webcam, I’m there now.. 😉

 

WoW Chat #23109

In World of Warcraft, we are in a dungeon

Voltress: buffs

During the first fight, the mage stands in water that keeps hurting him.

Voltress: get out fo the water mage ffs

Tremr: sorry lol never done this one before

Voltress: well think about it

Voltress: you keep taking damage

Voltress: must be somthing

Dauer: lmao

Voltress: plus the words say wwater evil when you start the boss fight

Voltress: you know in teh message screen down there or across the screen if you have DBM

Cnredy: first time here?

Tremr: yeah

Voltress: dungeon jounral

Voltress: read the boss fights thats the point of it

Voltress: DBM

Voltress: agro meters

Voltress: full expalintions of fights

Voltress: or even say hi i dotn know this fight

Voltress: basics people basics

davepoobond: you kingslayers always ruin raiding

Voltress: y

Voltress: casue we do a little reading

Voltress: and sepak up

Voltress: if we dont know somthing

Dauer: ^^

Voltress: switch DK FFS

Voltress: 7 stack swtich

Voltress: fuck me dead

Voltress: people

Voltress: once again it says hey dont hit it

Voltress: and it get smalle

Voltress: do you people read grrr

Dauer: i switch at 8

Dauer: look up

Cnredy: focus on ur healing

Voltress: my healing is fine

Voltress: no

Voltress: deaths lol

davepoobond: stop ruining raiding

Dauer: oops cant switch at 8 ZOMG

Voltress: this is not a raid

Voltress: in a riad i would have ripped you a shinter

Voltress: hehe

Voltress: green stuff bad on this boss

Dauer: i dont know what a shinter is but ok

Voltress: big waves are bad

Voltress: pull the lot tank

Voltress: might wanna move from teh middle to guys

Voltress: water please

Voltress: ty

Voltress: burn it down gogogo

Voltress: mage stack on me

Dauer: pet taunt ftw

Voltress: burn it down gogogo

Voltress: mage stack on me

Dauer: pet taunt ftw

Voltress: standin in shit again mage

Voltress: hehe

Voltress: all learning just need to learn fast

davepoobond: stop ruining raiding

Voltress: thsi is not a raid

Voltress: ????

Voltress: hwo can it be ruined

davepoobond: stop it

Voltress: ???

Voltress: standing in shit is basic game play for a year old

Voltress: asking if you dont knwo somthing is basics for a 3 years old

davepoobond: stop ruining raiding

Dauer: please stack up for this fight for spawns

Tremr: lol

Voltress: th sisi not a raid

davepoobond: you kingslayers always ruin raiding

Dauer: so can aoe and kill them quick

Voltress: r u a parret davepoobond

Cnredy: be nice volt you are annoying

Dauer: kingslayers dont ruin anything

Dauer: people need to l2 read

Voltress: its called situational awareness

Voltress: bah no mace

Dauer: figures wouldnt drop a weapon

Dauer: fml

Tremr: ty for group

Dauer: mage, i know its hard but please pay attention

Tremr: pleas elook up

davepoobond: you ruined raiding

Voltress: lol how do i ruenin raiding

Voltress: this is not a raid you fuck wit

Voltress: l2 play

davepoobond: you kingslayers always ruin raiding

He was wearing the Kingslayers title. He didn’t notice I was wearing it too — it was an inside joke in our guild and I never explained it to him.

 

WoW Chat #23108: davepoobond -> Amyrista

Amyrista is still trying to sell the recruit-a-friend mount in Trade Chat.

davepoobond: ill buy it

Amyrista: hi:)

davepoobond: hello

Amyrista: hello how are u 🙂

davepoobond: lol good u

Amyrista: hehe i am great too:D

Amyrista: so u want buy that mount right 🙂

davepoobond: do u have it now

Amyrista: yes dear 🙂 u can get it in 5 mins

davepoobond: ok cod it to me

Amyrista: but u know that is RAF mount:) so u will send an email and name to me and i can make it done for u in 5 mins 🙂

davepoobond: lol what is a that

Amyrista: RAF is recruit a friend mount dear 🙂

davepoobond: how does that work

Amyrista: oh just like i said dear :)i will send u an email and name that u can send invitation then i can make it for u ,it will be done in 5 mins 🙂

Amyrista: and u can get it in [battle.net] and it shows linked

Amyrista: u can claim it

Amyrista: and then u can get it in wow game mail box:)

davepoobond: i dont understand

Amyrista: it’s very easy dear

Amyrista: i will tell u  how to do each steps 🙂

davepoobond: i dont have any stairs lol

Amyrista: hehe stairs?

davepoobond: yeah u said steps lol

Amyrista: ah haha sorry i mean i will tell u how to do it 🙂

davepoobond: do what

Amyrista: so u can understand that ^^

Amyrista: but i usually charge 5k first and after u got the mount pay me another 5k 🙂

Amyrista: i sell 10more nightwing each day 🙂 so dont worry

davepoobond: can i ask u a question

Amyrista: yes 🙂

davepoobond: r u married

Amyrista: nope .i am 24

Amyrista: havent married yet

davepoobond: y not?

Amyrista: yea,why?

davepoobond: y rnt u married?

Amyrista: why i need to married right now ?:P

Amyrista: hehe

Amyrista: i will but maybe 1-2 years later

davepoobond: dont u have a boyfriend

Amyrista: i have a bf 🙂 u have GF too right ?:)

davepoobond: no 🙁 i am lonely

davepoobond: what do u do with ur boyfriend

Amyrista: hehe if u buy a nightwing i will tell u

Amyrista: so u want the nightwing right 🙂

davepoobond: lol do u ride the nightwing with ur bf

Amyrista: hehe i can turn into a nightwing and riden by BF

Amyrista: hehe if u like to buy a nightwing and turn into it let me ride on ?:)

Amyrista: take me around

Amyrista: 😀

davepoobond: lol u turn into nightwing in real life??

Amyrista: lol i wish

davepoobond: +

Amyrista: if u really like to buy it or just like chatting with me ?

davepoobond: i just like chatting 🙁

davepoobond: u r nice

Amyrista: hehe but i need to do business it if dont want it i can’t chat with u anymore

davepoobond: so u r not nice?

 

WoW Chat #23106: Wingqt -> Xingua

Wingqt: can i raid with you guys this week?

Xingua: no

Wingqt: damn sonnnn

Wingqt: no loveeee

Wingqt: put the app in and everything :((

Xingua: your app was lazy, your gear and experience arn’t great, and you’re only in the guild cuz a friend asked us to invite you

Xingua: we are a serious raiding guild

Wingqt: killing KJ pre patch isnt experience?

Wingqt: and my app was lazy?

Wingqt: what is this a job?

Xingua: you never even went back to look at it after posting

Xingua: and now you assume because you posted it, you automatically get to come?

Wingqt: Somewhat, yea.

Xingua: sorry, that’s not how this works

Wingqt: thats how it worked at level 70

Wingqt: before kingslayers

Wingqt: you app to a guild

Wingqt: show up before the raid

Wingqt: try your best

Wingqt: and prove yourself

Xingua: ask diesel if you need a better understanding of how we work

Wingqt: but i guess kingslayers like you ruined raiding

Wingqt: 🙁

Xingua: I’ve been raiding since BC

Xingua: and you’re begging me to carry you

Xingua: seriously, you’re going to talk shit?

Wingqt: how so

Wingqt: how am i begging to get carroed

Wingqt: carried

Wingqt: i do 40k + dps

Wingqt: but you wouldn’t know that

Wingqt: because you havent raided with me ONCE

Wingqt: Pve nerd.

 

WoW Chat #23105: davepoobond -> Woody

Woody is trying to sell a guild in trade chat.

davepoobond:  how much is it

Woody:  50k

Woody:  wanna buy it

davepoobond:  trying to convince a friend

davepoobond:  i don’t think he wants it even though he founded it

Woody:  50k and you have a level 25 guild all to your self

Woody:  its worth it

Woody:  whats your buddys name?

davepoobond:  he’s raiding right now

Woody:  do you wanna buy it?

davepoobond:  nope

Woody:  shit

Woody:  I see what you did there ;D

davepoobond:  you do?

davepoobond:  what’d i do

Woody:  woops wrong person but ill go 45k if you buiy it now’

davepoobond:  how many tabs

Woody:  3

Woody:  with active guild

davepoobond:  hmmm

davepoobond:  are there any girls in the guild

Woody:  yeah 1

davepoobond:  does she put out

Woody:  2

Woody:  and put out>”

Woody:  ?

davepoobond:  what are their cup sizes

Woody:  lol omg

Woody:  want it or not

davepoobond:  how many are going to stay after i buy the guild

Woody:  everyone but 3

Woody:  2 forsure

Woody:  my brothers

davepoobond:  how many of the girls are in that 3

Woody:  none lmao

davepoobond:  what items are in the guild bank

Woody:  herbs gems

Woody:  glyphs

davepoobond:  thats all?

Woody:  mats

davepoobond:  what kind of music do the girls like to listen to

Woody:  dude lol

Woody:  buying it or not

davepoobond:  can i tell you a story

Woody:  sure

davepoobond:  i wasn’t a popular kid in school

davepoobond:  i didn’t have a lot of friends

davepoobond:  if someone asked to take advantage of me, by eating my french fries during lunch

davepoobond:  i was happy because someone was paying attention to me

davepoobond:  one day i got an email full of screen names with all of the girls in the school i went to

davepoobond:  so i IMd each one of them, pretending to be some hot guy with bleached tips on his hair

davepoobond:  and they actually wanted to talk to me for no other reason than my picture

Woody:  is this true>

davepoobond:  it is all true

davepoobond:  what are your thoughts about my story

Woody:  i feel bad

davepoobond:  why do you feel bad

Woody:  because if its true you didn’t deserve it

davepoobond:  i deserve everything i get

Woody:  are you buying the guild or what lol

davepoobond:  i have never known the touch of a woman

 

#23104: J2K -> davepoobond

J2K: tell me some awesome action movie scenes, i’m making a list to make a youtube playlist

davepoobond: freeway scene in matrix

davepoobond: freeway scene in bad boys 2

davepoobond: freeway scene in mad max

J2K: think i have the matrix one

J2K: haven’t seen mad max yet, want to

davepoobond: freeway scene in matrix 2

davepoobond: freeway scene in transformers

davepoobond: freeway scene in the island

davepoobond: freeway scene in fast and furious

davepoobond: freeway scene in fast and furious 2

J2K: i don’t remember a freeway scene in matrix 1

davepoobond: freeway scene in freeway scene in fast and furious 3

davepoobond: freeway scene in the freeway scene in the freeway scene in fast and furious 4

J2K: fast and furious is ok but nothing applause worthy

J2K: haha

davepoobond: freeway scene in fast and furious 5

davepoobond: freeway scene in Flubber

J2K: actually it’s just fast 5

davepoobond: freeway scene in citizen kane

J2K: i like the part where he chokeslams the undertaker in citizen kane

 

WoW Chat #23103: davepoobond -> Amyrista

In Trade Chat, Amyrista was trying to sell a mount…

[2] [Amyrista]: WTS Obsidian nightwing 10k!

davepoobond: what does it look like

Amyrista: can’t u look at it on google? 😉

davepoobond: what does it look like

Amyrista: come to me u can see it

Amyrista: it just besides me

Amyrista: see it ?

davepoobond: i cant find u

Amyrista: the sw city

davepoobond: i like ur hair

Amyrista: hi

Amyrista: nice to meet u here

davepoobond: lol u r so nice

Amyrista: hehe thx dear

Amyrista: so do u like this mount and get one ?

davepoobond: lol how does it fly

Amyrista: yes it can fly!

Amyrista: u can carry friends too

Amyrista: u can turn in to it and carry friend 🙂

davepoobond: like u? u r my friend right

Amyrista: yes 😀 i would like that

davepoobond: r u a girl in real life

Amyrista: u can buy one and carry me hehe i’s like ride on your back

Amyrista: yes i am 24 years old girl

davepoobond: is ur hair pretty in real life too

Amyrista: hehe my hairl like this in real life

Amyrista: dear do u want get one nightwing ?

davepoobond: can i ask u a question

I get a whisper from Cytoplasm, randomly…

Cytoplasm: If you are hesitant about buying the mount, dont be : ).. I just bought one for my brother (Heisenberg) about an hour ago… Amyrista is awesome!

Amyrista: hehe see it is flying

Amyrista: yes

davepoobond: do u like me

I get another whisper from Cytoplasm…

Cytoplasm: 10k is an amazing deal for this mount. I love it!

Amyrista: um..i dont know u much but if i know u more i think u will be a good guy to talk with

davepoobond: what if i told u i am a boy that is a girl

Amyrista: u are a boy right

Amyrista: that’s nice ,coz i am a girl

davepoobond: i am a girl inside, on the outside i am a boy

davepoobond: can i ask u a question

Amyrista: hun …i wanna know if u like this mount and get it with 10k ? u can pay me 5k first and after u got it pay me another 5k

Amyrista: 🙂 ok

davepoobond: how big r ur boobs

davepoobond: i want to get some, but i dont know how big

davepoobond: do u know???

I get another whisper from Cytoplasm…

Cytoplasm: If you have the 10k to spare you should buy the nightwing mount. Its a good deal : )

davepoobond: who r u

Amyrista: not for sure ,not small lol

Amyrista: but let me ask u a question :0

Amyrista: do u want the nightwing

davepoobond: what is a that

Amyrista: just the mount u see~!

davepoobond: lol

Amyrista: black mount with wings

Amyrista: hehe so ?

Amyrista: so u like to get one

Amyrista: ?

davepoobond: what

Amyrista: if u want to buy a nightwing with 10k from me ?:D

davepoobond: do u have a boyfriend

davepoobond: ?

 

Abrasive, disruptive employees…

Abrasive, disruptive employees...

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...
 

The Cranes and the Masking Tape

One day there was a family of cranes nesting happily below a huge fountain at an amusement park.  There were six cranes in all, happily living life, feeding from the crumbs dropped by the forever-eating patrons of the amusement park.

There was the mother, Sealee, and her beautiful husband, Archibald, who had four wonderful crane children.  The two oldest were twins, String Bean 1 and String Bean 2 (also known as The Twins String Bean collectively), followed by their sister Celithrulith and lastly, but certainly not least, came beautiful baby Stotch.

Stotch was only a few months old but was already showing great signs of growing up into a prestigious adult male.  He was the crown jewel of the family, because he was really pretty, cause he was a male, and males are pretty, and the only thing Sealee and Archibald would talk about to the other cranes they met while flying around the amusement park at night when all the a-hole tourists are gone.  However, because they were not as important as the new baby, the three sisters secretly met in the one place their parents would never think to look —  the bathroom — in order to find a way to get rid of “stupid baby Stotch.”

“We could strangle him!” the Twins String Bean shouted in the refracting walls of the bathroom.

“NOT SO LOUD!” Celi, short for Celithrulith, screeched at the twins.  “Strangling MIGHT be the best option, since us cranes have fragile necks….!”

The Twins String Bean started laughing in unison.

“But what should we strangle him with?!?” 1 said.

2 said, “Rope?”

1 said, “String?”

2 said, “A sweater?”

1 said, “A bowling ball?”

1 and 2 started rattling off random objects for about two minutes when Celi finally came to an epiphany.

“Masking tape…!”

All three cranes started squawking in excitement!  Masking tape was the worst feeling in the world for their feathers.  It stuck to it like no other adhesive and when you took it off, it took some feathers with it!

It was three weeks since the death of Stotch…  and the investigation was going nowhere!  Due to the chains of bureaucracy in the town of Beauracracy, also the fact that Tax-Free Furniture Week has been going on for three weeks no one gave a shit about the murder of a lowly no-tax-paying crane.  Sealee and Archibald had been crying ever since they found young Stotch strangled behind the river rapids depot, with the feathers around his neck ripped off.  His poor, fragile, neck had to been bent in an awkward direction.  As the tide came in at the river rapids, his body had traveled from where the murder had actually taken place, which still has yet to be found.

Sealee and Archibald spent the coming weeks in the company of their religious community, with Father Snewrug holding a ceremony for Stotch’s burial.  The three sisters, silently happy that all has been going according to plan, played along with the proceedings, no one the wiser that the murderers were with them the whole time.

Stotch’s spirit roamed the grounds of the amusement park for hundreds of years, as the Stotch the Crane Spirit became a theme during the Halloween event.  Eventually the park, renamed Stotch’s Scary Crane Park could not sustain on ghost stories alone.  It was closed down, and Stotch was truly alone, the images of his murder playing in his mind over and over.  Globs of masking tape littered the abandoned amusement park like tumbleweed, blowing across the landscape.

Stotch’s colors were very beautiful, even for a ghost.  It was what made him so noticeable when he appeared to people squawking in their faces.  Occasionally he would have been seen staring at people with his mouth wide open as he “watched” people going to the bathroom.  The things you can get away with as a ghost!

Stotch was feeling particularly even more alone than usual once the amusement park had been closed down.  It seemed like no one really cared about him, and there weren’t even any ghost-themed investigation reality TV shows coming to see find him anymore.

The abandoned amusement park was once again occupied when a sect of the human race, known scientifically as “Hipsters” began moving in.  They thought it would be so cool to live in an abandoned amusement park where no one would be able to criticize their tight jeans and hipster-sounding music.  They would have movie nights where they could watch all the classics, like Gone With the Windie Rock Festival, and The Fantastic Mr. Anti-Establishment Tight Jean Designer.

Ah, yes, life was grand in the old spooky haunted abandoned amusement park full of hipsters.  That was, until Stotch had enough of the hipster crap and Hot Topic receipts littering his home!  One by one, Stotch squawked very loudly in the face of each hipster, appearing and disappearing in a blinding flash.  Not only was he assaulting their senses, but he was ruining their movie nights and their mini-musical festivals that hipsters always like to say they attend.

Hipster-Honcho Jake Guldinthal, leader of the Hipsters proclaimed that all of his friends (also known as “subjects” in non-hipster lingo) should perform a séance to rid themselves of their ghostly companion.  His squawking ruined the best scene in Clearance-Priced Wedding, where the Princess of Bargain Bin Town finally said “I DO” to the Prince of Upscale Department Store Town and had a 50 minute-long lovemaking scene in which there was no nudity, and only money being used to touch each other.  It had something to do with using money for not-its-intended-purposes or something like that.  The movie ended with a wad of sweaty cash being thrown into the trash can.  Stotch’s fifty-one minute squawk would probably be a world record.  But, alas, the Hipster Congregation’s Hipster Council met in the Merry Go-Round to discuss their ghost infestation.  The only solution was to summon the bird into the open and shoo him away for good.

The cheapest psychic in the area, Jorge Yulonzagonez, a half Chinese, half Mexican, half Japanese man was hired to get rid of the ghost.  Now, you might be asking why this man is three halves of a person.  That’s because he is a conjoined “twin” with two heads, but both heads have the same consciousness.  Don’t ask why, but both brains work in unison with each other and when he speaks, both heads speak at the same time.  Sometimes he’s able to make one of them not say anything, if he’s making a joke, though.

Jorge Yulonzagonez came by in his station wagon, and the hipsters were all in a large circle around the bathroom building – the place where most of the activity seems to originate.  Jorge’s two heads spoke in unison, “Hello, my friends .  We are here today to exterminate this ghost of the day… this ghost of the night… this ghost that has been ruining your hipster musical festivals!  How dare this ghost ruin movie night and make your sensitive man leggings stretch further than they are meant to stretch!”

At that moment, Jimmy Santiago broke down and began to cry into his hands.  Those around him comforted him.

Jorge pointed towards Jimmy.  “It will be alright, my friend!  This puta will pay for the crimes he has committed!  Just because he’s a ghost, doesn’t give him free reign on being a jerk!”

Jimmy Santiago agreed with the empowering words and patted his comforting friends on the shoulder, thanking them for their support.

“Now, let us join hands and begin the expunging of this fowl ghost!”  Jorge got on top of a random box and began waving his hands around like a bird.

“CAW… CAW CAW!!!  SHOO GHOST!  SHOO!   LEAVE THIS PLACE!!” Jorge squawked like a bird.

Stotch screeched a howling screech that made all of the hipsters start dancing.  It sounded just like one of those bands they had at their last indie music festival, that they didn’t realize that it was actually a ghost!

Stotch manifested in front of Jorge, unable to disappear.  He stood in place and flapped his wings in an aggressive fashion.

Jorge pointed to Stotch.  “YOU!  GHOST!!!  LEAVE THIS PLACE IMMEADIATELY!”

Stotch fluttered his feathers.  “Who are you to tell me to leave this place?  I’ve lived here for a very long time and if you think some two-headed jerk can make me leave after what I’ve endured these years, you’ve got another thing coming, sir.  I was murdered in a bathroom and dumped into an amusement park water ride by my own jealous sisters!”

The hipsters all started crying.  It was like the plot from their favorite sappy movie that they never knew existed.  The only thing missing was a flight jacket and some ripped tight jeans with some shaggy hair cut.

Just then, a fleet of Versikons, a flying human species that is known to be a Hipster’s predator, swooped in on the crowd of crying hipsters.  They all dispersed and ran away crying into the distance as a few of them were lifted into the air and had their musical tastes demeaned by the Versikons.  Soon the Hipsters left the amusement park entirely, and only Jorge and Stotch remained.

“I didn’t see that coming.”  Jorge said from both of his heads.

Stotch agreed.

“Well, onto the next abandoned amusement park, eh Stotch?”  Jorge continued.

 

Jorge hopped onto Stotch and rode off into the sunset.  As they rode away, three female crane ghosts fluttered in the air.  On each neck hung shreds of masking tape…!

 

The End.