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My Geometry Test Grades

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

I took Geometry in 10th grade in high school.  We had to get each one of our test grades signed off by our parents.  Pretty much after every test I got a lecture from my mom.  I was pretty bad at geometry, mostly because of the proofs.

1st semester:

72
39
74
57
57
32
80
58
74
72

2nd semester:

50
73
66
66
72
91
43
86
46
80

Pretty hilarious, really.  I ended up getting a C anyway, so I didn’t have to retake the class during summer.

-~-

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My Decision to Receive Christ As My Saviour

August 5th, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

Note: This was in the back of a bible.

Confessing to God that I am a sinner, and believing that the Lord Jesus Christ died for my sins on the cross and was raised for my justification, I do now receive and confess Him as my personal saviour.

Name: Dave “Satan” Poobond
Date: 6/6/6

This is such a crock of shit, because it was Jesus’ fault, not mine for dying at the cross.  He was the one going around praising religion and crap that got him into deep shit and nailed to fucking planks.  Don’t make ME take the blame for it, you bastard prophets that wrote the Bible!

Learn how to spell savior, at least!

-~-

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Dream #23037: The Chip Dream

May 19th, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Dreams, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

I wrote this in 2002.

I remember in a dream I had, that I was stuck somewhere listening to some guy who was talking about chips, and something about “maximum dipping power.”

He was explaining the measurements and junk about the chips and there was this other person saying “come on come on let’s go” to me, but I didn’t because I was interested.

Next I knew I was driving a car in a parking lot looking for a parking space.

Then I woke up.

-~-

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Dream #23036: The Baseball Dream

May 18th, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Dreams, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

I wrote this in 2002.

I had a dream that I was the best pitcher on a baseball team, but I knew I wasn’t any good.

So this big championship game or something was there, but I didn’t get dressed, because when I put on my shoes, they caught on fire, then I put the fire out by blowing on it, but it relit, so I put it under the sink and it went out.

But it relit again and I just let it burn.

So the scene changed to the baseball game, and when I wasn’t there, they had a 2 foot tall 10 year old pitch for them instead.

They were losing pretty badly, when the assistant coach finally found me at home, and he said “we’re losing, you have to get dressed and play!” But I said, “no, I don’t want to get dressed!”

Then I woke up.

-~-

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Dream #23034: The Moon Blew Up

May 18th, 2013 Posted in Dreams, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

I wrote this in 2002.

I had a dream that I was out in the desert or something. The sand was red and there weren’t any trees, but big rocks every so often. There were a lot of people there, and there were a lot of houses. I wasn’t too far from my house. I looked up at the moon (which was very close). It was really hot, and the moon turned around pretty fast, and it looked the same except it had its own “red eye storm” like Jupiter. It’s kind of hard to describe. Anyway I pointed it out to my mom, and she said “that’s normal, they throw all our trash up there, you know?”

I thought “hmm, all that plastic up there is burning making it hot down here…” It seemed like it was raining fire from the moon. All of a sudden, it blew up. Everyone started screaming and went back inside their homes. After the moon rocks fell, I went over to my friends house, and there was my Grandma. She said his family wasn’t there because my friend was at the hospital. She pointed out the window shutters on the window, and said something about how cheap they were because a rock fell through. Then she disappeared.

Then it rained rocks again.  Afterwards, I was crying and I turned on the TV. To get my mind off everything, I turned on the TV and watched cartoons, while there was another TV with the news on. It had a bunch of people talking about the moon blowing up, and how it was more horrible than September 11. The rocks fell again all of a sudden for the last time. I went outside to see what happened, and there were a lot of people on hospital beds, screaming because trash and rock shot into their body.

I woke up then. What a weird dream. I could barely describe it all. You should’ve dreamed it yourself…to truly understand.

-~-

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Going Blind

May 18th, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

I wrote this in 7th grade.

If I had only three days of sight left on the first I would want to start learning Braille (Braille would be in place of school), at least I would be 3 days closer to learning how to read Braille. After that I would play video games and computer games for an hour. Then I will look at my family and try to remember what their faces look like then I would go to bed.

On the second day I would get up at 5:00 AM and play video games and computer games until it was time for me to learn Braille for six hours then I would go outside and look at the trees, the sky, the cloud, the little dog running up to me like it was attacking me then I would go inside and play video games and computer games for two hours then I would look at my family’s faces then I would stay up all night and watch TV.

On the third day I will watch TV, play video games, and computer games until it was time to learn Braille then after that I would look at my house from the outside, then I would look at my family’s faces then go to bed and hope sometime during my life we will have the technology to have eye transplants.

-~-

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The Sour Lemon Lady

September 13th, 2012 Posted in Dave's Kingdom No Comments »

This entry is part 25 of 25 in the series The Retail Report

A lady came and asked if there was a graduation tassel on hold for her and it was supposed to be at customer service for her. I said I didn’t have anything like that for her (asking her name and what kind it was supposed to be).  She said that she talked to the manager directly about it and she had gotten a call from “some girl with a fancy name” last week and told them to hold it, even though she had gotten it months before.  So I spent about 5 to 10 minutes trying to track down the manager (he wasn’t there), then asked if any of the gear representatives knew about any tassel on hold for this lady by the manager.  No one knew.

I eventually asked the gear department supervisor if she knew where the manager would put something like that and she said she didn’t know, so she called him, left him a message, and we waited for him to call.  In the mean time I went back and told the lady we don’t know anything about this item and I resumed to ask the lady for her number so we can call her back when we found out more info about it.

The manager calls during this time and says he didn’t know anything about it, so we ask the lady again who called her and asked her how she paid for it. She eventually says she did a phone order, which would still imply that a gear department rep would have helped her. The supervisor asked me if Web would have it, but I told her they would only have it if THEY did the web order, not if the lady had talked to the gear manager about it since they are COMPLETELY different departments with different procedures and managers. So the lady looked through her call log to see who called her, and it was the web department.

Once we found that out, I said I would call them, and then the lady accused me all of a sudden — “SEE YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED THEM, SHE WAS TELLING YOU THAT WEB HAD DONE IT OVER AND OVER BUT YOU SAID NO NO NO NO”

All I could say was “Ummm…”  I eventually called Web and they brought down her stupid tassel and she left.

LIKE ITS MY FUCKING FAULT SHE DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW WHO SHE TALKED TO AND SHE SAID THAT PETER KNEW ALL ABOUT IT BUT HE DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING.

FUCK THAT LADY FUCK HER

-~-

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Scam Call From Local Exchange

July 29th, 2012 Posted in Dave's Kingdom 1 Comment »

I had some scammer call a number at work during the beginning of May saying how I had won some cruise or whatever and they want to give me tickets to fly anywhere in the US.

I kept asking “What?” and “Who is this?” and they kept repeating.  The lady had a terribly Mexican accent, so it was half-truth that I could barely understand her over the speakerphone.

All together, I made her wait around on the phone for like 10 mintues before I put her on mute and came back, pretending to be the “owner” of the phone.

As soon as I turned the phone off mute, I asked for their Full Company name, full name of the person calling, the city they are from, their web site, etc without giving any information at all on my end.

What I gathered, they are named:

“Local Exchange”  (pretty generic name, don’t you say?) and they are from San Dimas or Villaverde and “of course” they are from California.

I asked for their web site and she was very hesitant to give me anything and when I asked her again like 3 times, she said, “Of course we have a web site” and then hung up on me.

So, if you get a call from 909-575-1068, then you will know that it is a scam.  They have yet to call the number back, from what I know.  So that’s that.

As a result of this call, I wrote the following story for your enjoyment:

http://squackle.com/22568/stories/local-exchange-an-eruption-of-stupidity/

-~-

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The Not So Returned Rental Book

June 6th, 2012 Posted in Dave's Kingdom No Comments »

This entry is part 23 of 25 in the series The Retail Report

On April 11, I had a customer today call me after talking to another co-worker of mine who was just finishing up with her shift.  He was calling regarding his rental textbook that he has but also “returned.”

Earlier when he was talking to my co-worker, he had said that he had the book still and wanted to return it but did not want to pay for the replacement fee.  She wrote his information down and said he would be coming in later this week to pay for the book.

So then, he called during the beginning of my shift and explained how he had actually returned said book, which is the Intro to Statistics, a non-serialized rental, which is a book without a specific number attached to it.

I explained to him that our system had shown that the book was not returned and that it would need to be paid for at the replacement price.  He went on to talk about how that is penalizing him for incompetence on our part because he is saying that he was not given a receipt and when he returned it to “the guy” who had said that he did not need a receipt.  I told him we were telling all of our cashiers to give receipts for any rentals returned.  I asked him if he knew who the cashier was and he said he didn’t know.  He kept repeating the same stuff over and over again, and I kept saying the same things, too.  I told him that the only way I can personally help is if he had a receipt, and otherwise I would have to have him talk to my manager about it.

He was not satisfied with that, and kept saying how it was a bureaucratic answer and basically didn’t see why he had to be penalized and kept saying the same thing over and over.  He kept saying he wasn’t given a receipt, when I told him that was the only way we’d be able to release the hold on his account, and kept repeating that asking if “it was sticking” to what I had been considering talking to him about it, to which I said, yes, but it was to not going to alleviate anything.  I asked if he had returned any other rentals along with the Intro to Statistics and said that he had returned some health book.  I told him that there would be no way that only one book from a transaction would show as returned if they were both returned, but then he spouted out more about bureaucracy again.

So, anyway, I tell him again if he would like to speak to my manager, he is able to and I gave him my manager’s extension as well as transferred him over to his voice mail once he was done talking to me.  He finally accepted the proposition and I did so.

He then proceeded to call about 5 or so minutes later, after I was telling my supervisor about the call.  I answered it, knowing that it was the same guy, but pretending like I didn’t know what just happened.  The guy asked specifically to see if my manager was in and I asked what it was regarding and if I could take a message since he was not going to be in until the next day.  He didn’t tell me his name that time, and he simply said he was a disgruntled student and was given “bad customer service” and “terrible answers” by two employees who work here and that he wanted to complain about “them” (which would most likely be my co-worker and myself) regarding his book situation, and to also solve the situation regarding his rental.

So, he came in on that Thursday and instead of dealing with anymore of his bull shit, my manager let him off the hook for the book.  I really wanted that guy to pay for being an asshole.  Turns out he was gay and said to apologize to me for being “a bitch.”

Okay, then.  Fuck you, you bitch.

-~-

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Memorial Day – What Does it Mean to Me?

July 16th, 2011 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles 1 Comment »

Decoration Day is another name for Memorial Day.  Memorial Day honors military people who have died in wars that Americans have fought in.  It is a patriotic holiday that  was originally honored to the Civil War.  Now it also honors veterans from the Spanish-American War, World War 1, World War 2, Korean War, Vietnam War, Desert Storm, Antirent War, The Aroostook War, Black Hawk War, Mexican War, Seminole War, Tripolitan War, Utah War, and the War of 1812.

Memorial Day is celebrated on the last Monday in May.  On Memorial Day people place flowers, flags, and other memorabilia on the graves of people who died in wars which Americans fought in.

We should all be grateful that these people have given their lives so that we can have the freedoms that we have today.

-~-

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That Was a Weird Dog Walk

July 8th, 2011 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles No Comments »

Went outside to walk my dog and these things happened:

2 people were pulled over in their car in a “no stopping at any time” zone. One was on his phone away from the open passenger car door. The other, which I assume was a girl, was making puking/spitting sounds inside the car, even though the car door was open and she was actually standing outside. and the guy was just on his phone talking about something I didn’t understand.

I cut across the street so I don’t have to walk past them. then I see some random fat lady sitting on the concrete box thing full of phone/cable equipment or whatever it is in there just sitting there doing nothing, staring at a wall.

Then I avoid her and walk back towards where I came from, and some old guy comes out of the gate and just stands there and just stares at stuff around, he’s not even doing anything.

So I walk farther down the sidewalk away from him, and some shirtless younger looking guy is walking in my direction putting a shirt on. He says something like “good morning” to me and then goes over to where the old guy is and stands around him. No idea what they’re saying cause im far away from them at that point.

So I’m kinda looking in the general direction to see if they’re doing a drug deal, then I see the fat lady getting up and walking down the middle of the street going towards something I didn’t care to find out because I was freaked out and ran back into my house.

And this all happened before 12 am, thursday night… wtf was that all about?

-~-

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Mi CuADERNo DE Espanol SPANiSH NoTEBooK

April 28th, 2011 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles 1 Comment »

1) mi vocabulary
2) Mi Gramatic
3) mi tarea

2353
Discovered Room 102 unlocked told custodian earlier approximately

2300
That rooms 202, Bal-E, 211 unlocked. He secured Bal-E & 211. I tried to secure door but couldn’t. A key is required.

0000
Room 202 unlocked. Unable to scure. a key is required

0002
Room 206 unlocked. Can’t secure

0004
Room around corner from 206 through doorway across from mural unlocked I set off alarm after opening door

-~-

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The Stupid Nerdy Annoying Asshole Idiot Tally Sheet

March 30th, 2011 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles 4 Comments »

The following is a tally of how many times this annoying asshole in my physics class said certain things over the period of about 5 days.  I only wrote the dates down for the first 2 days.

He would always say certain things out loud — he had no self control in keeping his god damned mouth shut and not make any noise while we tried to take notes from the teacher.  He was this huge, 8 foot tall, fat, nerdy guy that sat in the front row and always wore a red shirt with arm pit stains.  He always had a rolling backpack so you could hear him coming down the hall.  He also had nerdy glasses on, as if the previous wasn’t enough to cement the fact he’s a stupid nerd.

I lost interest after those 5 days because he did these so many times, it wasn’t worth counting anymore:

Says “mmhmm:”

Feb 14, 2005:  13 times
Feb 15, 2005:  34 times
3rd day:  5 times
4th day:  13 times
5th day:  25 times

Says “mmhno:”

Feb 14, 2005:  1 time

Answers a Question (but usually mumbles to himself rather than actually raising his hand to legitimately answer it):

Feb 14, 2005:  16 times
Feb 15, 2005:  68 times
3rd day:  12 times
4th day:  20 times
5th day:  11 times

Says “right:”

Feb 14, 2005:  2 times

Says “no:”

Feb 14, 2005:  8 times
Feb 15, 2005:  8 times
3rd day:  6 times
4th day:  3 times
5th day:  4 times

Says “hmm:”

Feb 14, 2005:  2 times

Says “yeaah:”

Feb 14, 2005:  1 time
Feb 15, 2005:  1 time

Says “unhunh:”

Feb 14, 2005: 2 times
Feb 15, 2005: 3 times
3rd day: 1 time
4th day: 1 time
5th day: 2 times

Says “Yep/yes:”

Feb 14, 2005: 1 time
Feb 15, 2005: 8 times
3rd day: 7 times
4th day: 3 times
5th day: 2 times

Does something stupid (with elaboration):

Feb 14, 2005:  6 times

1. Didn’t bring a Scantron for a test.

2. Somehow lost his study guide since the last time it was given out (which is the 2nd time it was passed out) – counts as 2.

3. Yawned like a vampire

4. Answered a question wrong.  Saying, it wasn’t 300,000 km/hr for a light year.

5. Answered a question wrong.  Professor said, “nice guess.”

Feb 15, 2005:  5 times

1. Said Moon cycle was 273 days, when it is actually 29.5

2. Said “I love the moon!”

3. Laughed after answering question wrong

4. Nodded his head and looked at the rest of the class, as if looking for people to agree with him.

5. Yawned like a vampire, really loudly.

3rd day: 1 time

1. Someone told him to shut up, but kept doing his same shit.

-~-

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Construction on the Sandwich

March 3rd, 2011 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles 1 Comment »

Dear Mr. Boaling Ball,

I’m Katie from the 7/8 newspaper The Odyssey, and I’m writing an article on the new popsicle gimme some dickin’ sandwich and i crave the cock.  If you could please answer the following questions and add any other information you think would benefit my article that would be greatly appreciated.

1) About when do you think the sandwich will be finished?

2) When did they start construction on the sandwich?

3) What’s the benefit of having aster-turf as opposed to grass?

4) What is the i crave the cock made of?

5) Were there any donations toward the project?

Thank you very much for your time, and when you are finished please place the information in Mr. Pillups’ box.

Thanks again,

Katie

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Stupid Advertisement from High School

March 3rd, 2011 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles 1 Comment »

ALL MY HOMIES
BETTA RECKONIZE
DA COMEDY
SPORTZ ACTION
GOIN’ DOWN DIS
THURSDAY AT
7:30.  IT BE’S OFF
DA HEEZEY FO SHEEZEY

WORD

-~-

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