Facebook Message #21483: davepoobond -> Abegail

davepoobond gets a friend request from some random person named Abegail.  davepoobond sends a message to this person to figure out if he knows her (which he knows he doesn’t.)

davepoobond: do i know you?

Abegail: im sorry about ur ask im not do

And, not surprisingly, their profile was deleted since it was probably a spammer.

 

Apple Live Chat #21331

• You are chatting with David J, an Apple Expert

David J: Hi, my name is David J. Welcome to Apple!

David J: Good evening!

davepoobond: Hello

David J: How may I assist you?

David J: Hello!

davepoobond: I was just clicking around and saw the Live Chat thing, but I think i may have already solved my own problem cause i opened an expresslane thing

davepoobond: my mouse’s mouse ball stopped working

davepoobond: and this is the second mouse im on, i have applecare and all

David J: I’m sorry to hear that.

David J: Did you rub the mouse button over a cleaning cloth? Sometimes that will clear it up.

davepoobond: i did, and in doing so the mouse ball seemed to start getting damaged

davepoobond: i see some stripping on the mouse ball

David J: It would still be covered under the Applecare plan if it is defective.

David J: You can continue on the express lane and contact AppleCare or call them tomorrow at 1800-275-2273

David J: 9-9 EST daily.

davepoobond: and i tried it after i cleaned it and the clicks dont seem to work either.

davepoobond: thank you, i’ll definitely call them tomorrow

David J: Is there anything else I can help you with?

davepoobond: do you have tips on how i can avoid this again with my next mouse, though?

David J: What operating system are you using?

davepoobond: mac

davepoobond: os x

David J: Tiger? Leopard? Snow Leopard?

davepoobond: Snow Leopard

David J: How much ram is your computer using?

davepoobond: 1 gig

David J: Here’s an interesting thing that happened with my mouse.

David J: I had the same problem with the trackball not working often. But when I upgraded to more ram in my computer, it works perfectly fine.

davepoobond: ah interesting

David J: Do you know if you can upgrade your ram?

davepoobond: yeah the apple book told me i could

David J: Go ahead and give AppleCare a call and see what they recommend. Then ask them about upgrading the ram to see if that can help.

davepoobond: will do. sounds like an awesome idea

David J: 1800-275-2273

David J: 9-9 EST daily.

David J: Is there anything else I can help you with?

davepoobond: yeah, just so that i know you’re not completely nuts, please just tell me you were joking about the ram thing

David J: Actually, no it worked!

David J: I upgraded from 2gb of ram to 8gb and my mouse no longer has trouble scrolling.

David J: Maybe it was just coincidental, but I haven’t had an issue with it at all!

davepoobond: i dont believe in coincidence. i belive in fate.

David J: Do you have an Apple store near you?

davepoobond: yeah

David J: You can take the mouse by the store and test it out and see if it works with more ram!

David J: If not, then let the store take a look at it and see if it is defective and in need of being replaced.

David J: They can also show you how to clean it properly.

davepoobond: awesome, sounds like a plan.

David J: Is there anything else I can help you with?

davepoobond: No, thank you, i appreciate your help.

David J: Thank you for visiting the Apple Store. We appreciate your business. If you would like more help, please chat with us again.

 

#21268: dys4iK -> sweet_thang_for_u_2002

While reading this, keep in mind that dys4iK is not Josh. Whoever he was, he’s fucked now. “dys4iK is NOT Josh, never was, and never will be.”

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey hey hey

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: sup josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey did u ever call tracy?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: our grad. practice is thur right?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: hey u there?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh???

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u called tracy right

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y u ignoring me???????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m ur girlfriend!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: talk to me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: look

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know what ur deal has been lately

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i mean come on josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we were prom queen adn king and this is how u act!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: fine whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ignore me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: fine

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: see if i care

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok what the fuck!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: bot.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u gonna talk to me or not

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: bot???

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh?

dys4iK: I have no clue who the hell you are,

dys4iK: but this sure is interesting,.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh!!!

dys4iK: you’re josh?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is wrong with u

dys4iK: I thought I was supposed to be josh.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u drunk

dys4iK: I think you should go find the right Josh.

dys4iK: I wish I was drunk…

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know its u

dys4iK: haha.

dys4iK: ok.

dys4iK: how’d you find me?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u r goin to grad. tomorrow right

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur on my list

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: I’m not going anywhere tommorow night.

dys4iK: I spend my days sitting at my computer,

dys4iK: jerking off to weird porn.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y r u adcting like this

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsoh what is wrong with u??

dys4iK: ’cause i’m in hard drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u told me u never did drugs

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u said u quit

dys4iK: I lied.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so u were lying?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what??????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

dys4iK: in fact,

dys4iK: I could be on drugs,

dys4iK: _right now)_

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: !!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y do u always pull this shit

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur goin off to osu next year

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and ur doin drugs

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal

dys4iK: yep.

dys4iK: drugs and college.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

dys4iK: hoo-rah.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive that

dys4iK: yep

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: did u ever call tracy

dys4iK: I’ve gotta go fuck my sister now.

dys4iK: back in a bit.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and explaoin to her ur stayin with me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur sister is only 8

dys4iK: oh, hey, right.

dys4iK: ok.

dys4iK: my cousin, then.

dys4iK: how old are my cousins?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh u know how old ur cousins are

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dont be stupid

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: r u high?

dys4iK: I can’ help it,

dys4iK: it’s the drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what is ur deal josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

dys4iK: my deal?

dys4iK: ten bucks an hour.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we can get through this

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsut call me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: did u call tracy

dys4iK: who’s tracy?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: tracy randlof

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: remember

dys4iK: sure.

dys4iK: she was a nice lay.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u were gonna tell her u wer datin me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u slept with here

dys4iK: of course.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u told me u didnt

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh i’m crying b/c of u

dys4iK: her and some other girl.

dys4iK: it was fun!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: JOSH

dys4iK: and some guy.

dys4iK: I think.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: WHAT IS WROGN WITH U

dys4iK: I can’t really remember.

dys4iK: the world was funny colours at the time.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: OH SO NOW UR GAY

dys4iK: no, not gay.

dys4iK: not yet.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: WHEN DID ALL THIS HAPPEN

dys4iK: but if you keep this up, maybe.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: DONT EVEN SAY PROM NIGHT

dys4iK: it happened tommorow!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: TOMORROW???

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what?

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: tommorow.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmm

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: yeah?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m gonna come over ok

dys4iK: over to canada?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: canada??

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what are u talkin about

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u dont seem to good

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: im comin over

dys4iK: I already told you I’m not josh.

dys4iK: but you seem to believe I am,

dys4iK: so I’m playing the part.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

dys4iK: but, I can’t play it in person.

dys4iK: sorry.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m gonna break up with u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we are over

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: 9 months of nothing

dys4iK: yep.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know its u cuz of the name

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m not stupid

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: such a stupid name.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well i’m on my way over

dys4iK: ok.

dys4iK: see you in a few days.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we can have break up sex

dys4iK: hoo-rah.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: tehn i’m leaving

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: for good

dys4iK: yay.

dys4iK: you promise to never phone?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive u slept with tracy

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur supposed to be mad

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and begging me to stay

dys4iK: why would I be mad?

dys4iK: oh, sorry.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: b/c i’m leaving u

dys4iK: please don’t leave me!

dys4iK: please stay!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ugh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

dys4iK: wahhhh!

dys4iK: *cries*

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: uknow what

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: forget

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: it

dys4iK: ok!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m not comin over

dys4iK: gladly!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: screw u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dont talk to me ever again

dys4iK: you don’t want to get into the threesome?

dys4iK: hey, speaking of which,

dys4iK: I should get back to sex.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ugh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: who is there

dys4iK: tracy.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ………….

dys4iK: ……………..!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (

dys4iK: come on.

dys4iK: you enjoyed it too.

dys4iK: I know about you two.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmm

dys4iK: when you got drunk?

dys4iK: at some party.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know what ur talkin about

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ……………..

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: that was a long time ago

dys4iK: there you go.

dys4iK: see?

dys4iK: it was fun.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i was drunk josh

dys4iK: deal with it.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so what if it was

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: that was a ont time thing

dys4iK: I can’t fix all your female, hyper-inflated ego disorders.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what has gotten itno u

dys4iK: I told you!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: (

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m tellin ur parents

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u need help

dys4iK: when I figure out who you are…

dys4iK: haha.

dys4iK: ok.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: who I am!!!!

dys4iK: except, my mom is shooting up in the bathroom,

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wat do u mean by that

dys4iK: and dad is drunk with some other woman.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummm, she is at my house

dys4iK: she is?

dys4iK: since when?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and ur dad and my dad are out of town on a business trip

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so what are u talkin about

dys4iK: hey, whoa.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: she has been here all da

dys4iK: our dads are fucking?

dys4iK: when did that start?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

dys4iK: that’s pretty crazy.

dys4iK: think they’d let us join in?

dys4iK: with tracy, too?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ???????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u sick bastard

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: god

dys4iK: haha.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u r soooooooooooooo immature

dys4iK: I’m immature?

dys4iK: yes, I suppose I am.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i cant beleive i wasted 9 months with u

dys4iK: neither can I.

dys4iK: you fell for me like a brick in water.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: that was funny.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: X-(

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no u fell for me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u begged me to get with u

dys4iK: haha.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i turned u down 3 times

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: remember

dys4iK: yeah. tracy told me to keep asking, though.

dys4iK: she thought if I got you to go out with me,

dys4iK: we could have a threesome.

dys4iK: or something.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: whatever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u wisj

dys4iK: pretty clever, eh?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u know now that i think about it

dys4iK: wasn’t my idea.

dys4iK: she was the one who wanted you.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i only liked u b/c of ur car

dys4iK: I have a car?

dys4iK: cool!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmm yeah

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur spider eclipse

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: thas y i dated u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: not cuz of the looks

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: although u do look godd

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: good

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur nothin w/o me

dys4iK: hey, yeah?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: and u know it

dys4iK: what are you, then?

dys4iK: cheesecake!

dys4iK: haha!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: cheescake?

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: you’re a cheesecake.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: how?

dys4iK: now that everyone’s seen pictures of you naked.

dys4iK: heh heh.

dys4iK: but hey, you made some lonely geeks happy for a night.,

dys4iK: =)

dys4iK: it was kind of you.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: keep what going

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: our relationship

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: yeah right

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: dream on

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we’re over

dys4iK: hey, you’re back.

dys4iK: hi again!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: y r u makin a joke out of this???????

dys4iK: because i have no idea who you are!

dys4iK: but this sure is fun.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: prove it to me that ur not josh

dys4iK: how about you prove that I _am_ josh!

dys4iK: =)

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what was our prom theme

dys4iK: uh.

dys4iK: underwater?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: omg

dys4iK: or that may have been the drugs. =D

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i told u ur josh

dys4iK: oh, right.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what do i look like

dys4iK: yeah.

dys4iK: uh.

dys4iK: fat, ugly.

dys4iK: lot of acne down your back.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummm wrong

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wrong

dys4iK: blue hair.

dys4iK: purple eyes!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ????

dys4iK: you have this weird bump on your back,

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: am i a cheerelader

dys4iK: but noone will tell you.

dys4iK: a cheerleader? hey, cool.

dys4iK: i dated a cheerleader!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i know

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: cuz u dated me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: duhh!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: there’s teh old josh

dys4iK: whatever!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: aw

dys4iK: you’re so funny.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i knew it was u baby

dys4iK: whatever! duhhhh!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh lets not break up

dys4iK: you’re pretty thick, aren’t you?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lol

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh u r the best i’ve ever had if u know what i eman

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont wanna loose u

dys4iK: you should smoke some crack with me tonight.

dys4iK: come over right now.

dys4iK: let’s smoke some crack.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: the way u touch me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont want to loose u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: lets not break up

dys4iK: yeah. your skin is sort of clammy, though.

dys4iK: what, with being a vampire, and all.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ??????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m not clammhy

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i use pure silk lotion from batha and body

dys4iK: Sammy the Clam!

dys4iK: pure silk lotion?

dys4iK: doesn’t silk come out of the ass of worms?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ???????????????

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont know

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: jsoh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i want u so bad right now

dys4iK: so finger yourself, or something.

dys4iK: I’m not sticking myself back in there.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i alreadly am

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: wahtever

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u know u want this

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’ll wear my cheerleading outfit for you

dys4iK: ew.

dys4iK: I hate cheerleaders.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no u dont silly

dys4iK: will you wear a strapon?

dys4iK: and fuck me in the ass?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: the way i can straddle u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u luv it

dys4iK: hey, will you let my dog fuck you?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ummmmmmmm

dys4iK: do it!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: when did u get a dog

dys4iK: you can smoke crack first.

dys4iK: I’ll get a dog!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no

dys4iK: so it can fuck you.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: NO

dys4iK: and I’ll videotape it.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i wanna video tape u and me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i want u

dys4iK: I want me, too.

dys4iK: but I’m with tracy now!

dys4iK: sorry!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u mean u want me

dys4iK: I’m madly in love with you.

dys4iK: the drugs are fucking with my head.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwwwwwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: I don’t know what i’m doing anymore.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i love you too

dys4iK: marry me?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: its ok baby

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u want to marry me

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: I was lying about tracy!

dys4iK: I just wanted to make you feel jealous!

dys4iK: seriously!~

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: we just grad

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwww

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: really

dys4iK: no.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: awwwwww

dys4iK: i was lying again.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ?????

dys4iK: ’cause it’s funny to watch you awwwww at me.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: yeah?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: do u really luv me

dys4iK: I need more drugs.

dys4iK: I love drugs.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no jsoh no

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: u luv me

dys4iK: I love drugs!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: no josh

dys4iK: I need a dimebag of hash to go with this.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: quit sayin that

dys4iK: and I’m running low on needles.

dys4iK: gotta start reusing needles.

dys4iK: damnit!

dys4iK: fucking hell.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: oh well.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: stop

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: quit

dys4iK: I’ll microwave them.

dys4iK: stop what?

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ur actin weird

dys4iK: I’m jonesing.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: huh

dys4iK: I gotta go fix myself up.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: what does that mean

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh

dys4iK: coming down.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i got my nipples pierced today

dys4iK: hey, me too!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: really!!!!!!!!!

dys4iK: no.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i did i t jes for u

dys4iK: why? you’re supposed to hate me, bitch.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: so u can play with them

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i dont hate u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i luve u

dys4iK: you keep telling me you do!

dys4iK: stop the lying!

dys4iK: oh god, I can’t take it anymore!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: well i an forgive u

dys4iK: fucking hell!

dys4iK: I should just oD.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: nooooooooo

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: josh wait

dys4iK: it’d be fun.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m coming over right now

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok

dys4iK: go for it.

dys4iK: you know where I live.

dys4iK: (I don’t.)

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok i’ll be over in 20 min

dys4iK: ok!

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ok baby

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i

dys4iK: I’ll be waiting.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m coming

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i love u

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: ……………

dys4iK: …………………….

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: say it to me josh

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: please

dys4iK: I’ll go get the strapon.

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: i’m on my way over now

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: bye babe

sweet_thang_for_u_2002: c u soon

dys4iK: bye!

Session Close (sweet_thang_for_u_2002): Thu May 30 19:17:53 2002

 

#21238: Matt Sussman -> Matt Cary

Matt Sussman and Matt Cary talking about the Randall Simon incident…

Matt Sussman: but I’ll be frank

Matt Sussman: the person inside the costume should relish this moment

Matt Sussman: because what Randall Simon did just doesn’t cut the mustard

Matt Sussman: and after she fell down… no way could she ketchup

Matt Cary: Oh my gosh, stop youre killing me

Matt Cary: thats so many in a row

Matt Sussman: I think that last joke was the wurst one

Matt Cary: Yeah, that last frank joke wasnt worth a hill of beans.

Matt Sussman: yeah, it made me chili

Matt Sussman: at least I had the onions to keep going

Matt Cary: Yeah, I think now youre just trying to be a hot dog.

Matt Sussman: Thanks. You just brat that to my attention.

Matt Cary: Didnt want you to make yourself look like a weenie.

Matt Sussman: wow. the list of puns we went through is about a foot long

Matt Cary: Baloney.

Matt Sussman: Don’t have a cow.

 

#21227: Malaky -> Toby

malaky: And then I kill you.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: I didn’t kill you yet. Come back to life.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: now die.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: Very well, now that you are dead, come back to life and discuss 19th Century politics with me.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: The Whig Party: Why couldn’t they elect a president that would live?

Toby: It’s damn near impossible.

Toby: All of our presidents have been Masons.

Toby: Except Kennedy, who was killed for not being a Mason.

malaky: You bring a good point, but what did slavery have to do with it all?

Toby: Masons used to be all about slavery until they finally let African Americans become Masons. Then it was all over.

malaky: The downfall of humanity, you mean?

Toby: I’d say so.

malaky: Then let me ask this: Who made John Travolta a star?

Toby: I would imagine that was not an act of the Masons, but someone sold their soul for that one.

malaky: Wouldn’t that be two souls? The man came close to an Oscar.

Toby: Nah, Oscars are the work of Masons.

malaky: And the Billboard Music Awards?

Toby: Nah, that stuff’s just retarded.

malaky: Then why haven’t the Masons killed Osama Bin Laden yet?

Toby: they’re workin’ on that.

Toby: they gotta get the European Masons more involved.

malaky: Damn them to hell.

malaky: Damn them…….to hell.

Toby: Oh, they’re waiting.

Toby: They’ve got a meeting in hell in 2015

malaky: Really? Hell? I thought they closed down that convention hall after the Nazis tried reforming again.

Toby: Nah, they reformed it.

malaky: Oh. Bummer.

malaky: You a member?

Toby: If I were, I wouldn’t be able to tell you I was unless you were one.

malaky: I see your point.

malaky: Toby, is Tina Fey hot?

Toby: Hello Fellow Mason.

Toby: *does the handshake*

Toby: *whew* I was wondering when you’d say the password.

malaky: I take my time.

Toby: That’s good. So how’s the business?

malaky: corrupt.

Toby: just what we like to hear!

malaky: I’m being prosecuted, so I’m fleeing jurisdiction.

Toby: Where to?

malaky: Now if I told you, wouldn’t that be breaking one of the cardinal rules?

Toby: nope, unless you were going somewhere other than the designated Mason refugee camps.

malaky: Oh. In that case, I am going to one of the designated refugee camps.

malaky: And if people ask, my name is Father Hernotwith and I have been holy my entire life.

Toby: We wouldn’t have it any other way.

malaky: I’ve also considered hiding in a dishwasher.

Toby: Ooh, primo choice. What kind of soap will you be using?

malaky: I haven’t decided yet.

Toby: May I suggest Pine?

malaky: You may.

malaky: But I’m still selling my child for food money.

Toby: those food stamps are worth a lot.

malaky: Is 50 a good price?

Toby: Per stamp, yes.

Toby: I’d shoot for 55, though.

Toby: Just say “you’re breakin my balls here.”

malaky: For good measure, I’d actually break their balls in return right?

Toby: Oh ya, but it was supposed to be a threat.

malaky: In that case, I’m sleeping with your mother’s favorite goat.

malaky: And we’re expecting.

Toby: Shultzy doesn’t understand Masonry.

malaky: You can’t deny my love for the goat forever you know.

malaky: sometimes, when I’m asleep at night, I dream of a new basement. Is this abnormal?

Toby: Not in the least.

malaky: And it has three TVs. What does this symbolize.

Toby: you like TV?

malaky: Actually, I like the refrigerator more.

malaky: Dude, food just appears in that thing.

Toby: Food is SOOOO good!

malaky: One time, I ate so much food that I ate more.

malaky: I’d just like to say that Harry Potter is a hermaphrodite.

Toby: He told me personally.

malaky: Good news should be spread.

Toby: I’ll kill that fucker.

malaky: If you do, pick up Dave Matthews on the way.

malaky: And we’ll hold hands, sit in a circle, and declare how manly we are.

Toby: i hate that fucker.

malaky: I think I love citrus. Is there something wrong with me?

Toby: Citrus is a flavor for all.

 

#21207: CrazyOlDan -> Matt Sussman

CrazyOlDan: Wanna hear a bad joke I just made up one second ago

Matt Sussman: let’s hear it

CrazyOlDan: you have no choice… unless you block me or don’t read the next thing I type

Matt Sussman:: You probably shouldn’t build this up

CrazyOlDan: ok…what do you get when you mix a crucifix and a dresser?

CrazyOlDan: …a cross dresser!

CrazyOlDan: man i am the funniest kid alive

Matt Sussman: This is why you don’t write for me anymore.

 

WoW Chat #21144

I hearth back to Stormwind and see Jake talking in General Chat…

[1] [Jake]: and im gonna contest it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[1] [Sharlo]: gl with that

[1] [davepoobond]: contest?

[1] [davepoobond]: what do you win

[1] [Jake]: your mom

[1] [davepoobond]: sounds like a loser’s prize

[1] [Jake]: it is

[1] [davepoobond]: so what do you actually win

[1] [Jake]: don worry bout it

[1] [davepoobond]: who’s he

[1] [Jake]: you migh be one of the smartest people in wow

[1] [davepoobond]: wow, thank you.  if it wasnt laced with an amazing amount of credulity i might just be appreciative

[1] [Jake]: shut up

[1] [Jake]: you are your child’s best role model

[1] [davepoobond]: im going to contest that statement Jake

[1] [Jake]: im going to contest you

[1] [davepoobond]: wow thank you, sounds fun

[1] [Jake]: are you trying to troll me or something? do you realize that’s a word?

[1] [davepoobond]: yeah you can make up words every day

[1] [Jake]: lol aright mang

[1] [davepoobond]: see you just did it again like 5 more times

[1] [Jake]: yeah

[1] [Jake]: i made up the word contest

[1] [davepoobond]: you’re cool bro, tell me more about how old you are! LOLOL

[1] [Jake]: im 45 fat balding

[1] [Jake]: and getting ready to blow my brains out

[1] [davepoobond]: lemme guess you walked to school in the snow and it was uphill

[1] [davepoobond]: you’re so old you listen to justin bieber lol

 

WoW Chat #21143

In World of Warcraft’s trade channel…

[2] [Duenun]: does anyone know if enhancement shamans suck now?

[2] [davepoobond]: all shamans suck

[2] [Rabidsquirel]: What’s your definition of suck?

[2] [Duenun]: really??

[2] [davepoobond]: when you get pleasure

[2] [Hanos]: ROFL

 

WoW Chat #21142: Slushie -> davepoobond

In the trade chat channel, in World of Warcraft, I was spouting:

“WTS [Fiery Warhorse’s Reins] mount RUN – 250g or best offer, pst! If it drops its yours! READ THIS BEFORE WHISPERING ME”

Slushie: So wait….you’re asking people to pay you 250g up front for the 1% chance at a mount drop that can easily be soloed by any 85?

davepoobond: yes

davepoobond: im glad you caught on

Slushie: Havent gotten any bites have you

davepoobond: yes, by people who can’t read

Slushie: yeah get used to that

davepoobond: no shit

davepoobond: i make my money solely on exploiting the retards in this game

davepoobond: it brightens my day knowing there’s someone of lesser intelligence than i

 

WoW Chat #21141: Nightwoker -> davepoobond

In the trade chat channel in World of Warcraft, I was spouting:

“WTS  [Fiery Warhorse’s Reins] mount RUN – 250g or best offer, pst!  If it drops its yours!  READ THIS BEFORE WHISPERING ME”


Nightwoker: hm is it

Nightwoker: i mean lvl

davepoobond: what?

Nightwoker: nvm

Nightwoker: wrong person

 

WoW Chat #21139: Cantevennerf -> davepoobond

In the trade chat channel in World of Warcraft, I was spouting:

“WTS  [Fiery Warhorse’s Reins] mount RUN – 250g or best offer, pst!  If it drops its yours!  READ THIS BEFORE WHISPERING ME.  DO NOT WANT TO BUY YOUR NERD RAGE”

Cantevennerf: NERD RAGE 50G MAN I SWEAR ITS TOP-TIER RAGE

davepoobond: SORTA WANT

davepoobond: AT FIRST I WAS LIKE D:

davepoobond: THEN I WAS LIKE D:

 

WoW Chat #21138: Btk -> davepoobond

In the trade chat channel in World of Warcraft I was spouting:

“WTS  [Fiery Warhorse’s Reins] mount RUN – 250g or best offer, pst!  If it drops its yours!  READ THIS BEFORE WHISPERING ME.”

Btk: anyone can solo the first boss in kara, your stupid

davepoobond: you’re stupider for complaining

Btk: problem?

davepoobond: x + y = z

davepoobond: solve for y

Btk: y= your mum x=my wood z= you

davepoobond: hello, how has your day been today

Btk: deal with it

 

Ridiculous Spam Mail #21057

The little guy gets screwed again…

Enron?  K-Mart?   Major companies are folding, Executives are ripping off the little guy.

Who can you trust?   Yourself.

Did you hear the story of the guy who had a 1.5 million dollar 401K with Enron and it’s now worth ZERO!  There’s no better time to think about having something to fall back on… a business of your own.

I’ve made millions of dollars on the Internet and I answer to no one.  I have no boss and I can say “no” to whomever I wish (except my wife).  If I don’t want to get up until 10 a.m. one day, I don’t.  If I don’t want to work 5 days a week, I won’t.

No one runs my life except me and no one can ruin it.

It should be this way for everyone.  And it can.  You CAN do what I’ve done and find freedom through owning your own business.  The only thing that is stopping you right now… is YOU!

I’ll even make it easy on you.  I’ll guarantee that you can use my system and make $1,000 in 15 days or less!  I’ve done it regularly for years now, and so can you!

 

Ridiculous Spam Mail #21056

FROM: HAJIA MARIAM ABACHA

A CRY FOR HELP.

Dear friend,

Following the sudden death of my husband, Late General Sanni Abacha, the former head of state of the federal republic of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown into a state of utter confusion, frustration and hopelessness by the present civilian administration.
Security agents in Nigeria have subjected me to physical and psychological tortures. One of my sons is still under detention as well as arraigned before a Federal High Court of Nigeria for an offence he did not commit. As a widow, that is so traumatized, I have lost hope and confidence in anybody within the country.

You must have heard over the media and the Internet on the recovery of various huge sums of money deposited by my late husband in different security firms abroad.  Some willingly gave up their secrets and disclosed our money confidently lodged with them and many
out-rightly declined lodgment. In fact the total sum discovered by the Government so far is to the tune of $700 million dollars. And the government has not relented in its efforts to completely bring my children and I back to square one. This is why I deemed it necessary to act fast by contacting anybody abroad for assistance. Furthermore, due to the security network placed on my daily activities I cannot afford to visit any embassy for a possible solution, hence I have decided to contact you and I do hope you will be the person God is going to use to rescue my family and I.

I have deposited the sum of $35 million dollars in a security firm abroad as whose name is with held for now for security reasons until we fully commence communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund on my behalf for safekeeping. Adequate arrangement has been made for receiving the fund. It is totally risk free. This arrangement is known to you, my brother (who is contacting you and I only. This means that my brother will deal directly with you as surveillance is on me. My brother’ name is audu.

You are entitled to 30% of the total sum. I hope to invest a proportion of the balance in your country.

Please forward your private Telephone and Fax numbers so that we can fully commence communication immediately. I will quite appreciate, if you accept my proposal in good faith. I look forward to receiving your urgent reply to my plea. Reply through my e-mail.

Yours truly,
Hajia Mariam Abacha