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Stories

Chevy Mad Lib: Find the Bowtie that Fits You

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After a hard week at school, davepoobond, Michael Jackson, Mr. Fuckhead, and I decided it was time to get away.  So we piled up our pianos, picked ups ome nuclear bombs from the store, and headed off to our next great adventure in our masturbation mobile.  After setting our fuck this shit we could finally be on our way!  It was awesome seeing the anal missile silo as we sank on the road.  The weather was perfect too, wasteful with periwinkle skies.

Everything was going terribly until suddenly oh yes!  A zombie leapt in front of our Jamaican jalopy.  We all looked at each other in shock, wondering what to do next.  Luckily our car was quick to react thanks to the ABS brakes that come standard.  What happened next when things got a little short.  It led us to its Long Island where it served us tray after tray of delicious Shirley Temple.  Bellies full, we said our thanks and headed back to our gatorade where we easily found our way thanks to OnStar’s GPS capability.  With awesome fuel efficiency, we didnt’ need to stop for gas; however Mr. Rogers and Michael Jackson were running low on strawberry Nutri-Grains.  We flew over to the store to stock up so we would be well prepared for Hell.

69 hours later and we had finally made it!  If it wasn’t for the great company, college students in kindergarten, and I hate my life, we wouldn’t have had nearly as 14-cents-worth of an adventure.  Fuck!  Chevy really does bring people together.

P.S. Fuck you Daily Titan!

Fairy Tales, Stories

Take Me Home!

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Once upon a time there was a peaceful alien planet. The inhabitants of the planet, the Calcules have enjoyed many luxuries, and has seen no war for the last 300,000 years. This race focused on education and the well-being of others. Sure there was the usual crime of someone paying too much Schniza, the English translation of the money the Calcules had, for a product. Yes, life was good.

Once upon a time, there was another planet called Earth. Well, Earth was a fucked up place because they had vampires, werewolves, zombies, and bats with penises the size of an elephant’s. Well, this other race of aliens, called the 9 Star 9 80085, was on a purifying mission, and they blew up the Earth.

So, thinking nothing of it anymore, the 9 Star 9 80085s left. But the immortal creatures of the Earth flew around space for another thousand space years, which is about 300 million Earth years. Eventually they all landed on the home world of the Calcules!

There was turmoil all across the lands. Zombies were eating the aliens, and since zombies ate brains, the aliens gave them a feast! The zombies got smarter, and turned the remaining parts of the aliens into shotguns, shooting all the other aliens with them.

The vampires gouged out all the alien’s eyes and sucked out their blood like that. The werewolves cut off the alien’s necks in one swipe. The bats with big penises drove in the alien humvees, and with a gattling gun the zombies made, the zombies shot every alien they could find.

There was a professional alien game called Alienball going on too. Everyone was having a good time, and no one knew of the cataclysms going on outside. The vampires built ramps going up to the top of the stadium on all sides, and once they were all built, at the same time, 3000 bats with big penises with zombies shooting gattling guns drove up the ramps and flew into the air, all of them shooting at the same time. Werewolf paratroopers and vampire fighter planes swooped in and killed all the aliens.

The End.

Fuck you Mark.

Horrible…

Movies, Screwed Up Chronicles, Movie Review

Dawn of the Dead (1978) Review

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Dawn of the Dead (1978), directed by George A. Romero

Production Company: Laurel Group

Movie Length: 126 min

IMDb Movie Info

I’d read for a while how good the “horror legend,” George Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead,” was the pinnacle of zombie movies, the best horor movie ever made. I saw it at the video store near my sister’s house and I decided to check it out – Whoa, the reviews were right! This film is probably the best example of what makes a zombie movie truly excellent. A guy on IMDb said it quite well:

“The “social commentary” that people on this site rave about has been done before, and done better. Ok, I get that humans are soulless killers obsessed with consumerism and are actually more evil than zombies. Cute, George, real cute. Now why did it take you over two hours to tell us this? Dawn of the Dead is way too long, and it will give any viewer a headache. Zombie movies are good when the humans are in seemingly hopeless situations and always face the threat of being overrun. Throughout this whole movie, the audience has no reason to think the humans are in any danger at all. They run around the mall, punching (or at least punching air, the zombies fall down anyway) and shooting the zombies. So there goes the suspense aspect. The two military dudes park trucks in front of the entrances of the mall to keep zombies out. Good idea, but we don’t find this out for a long time.

I guess Dawn of the Dead has what I call the “2001” syndrome. Similar to 2001: A Space Odyssey, this film has somehow amassed a huge number of devoted fans who preach about its filmmaking prowess, going as far as to say it’s the greatest movie ever made. If that’s true, God help humanity. I can’t fathom how anyone could love this film so much. I’ve read some reviews telling me to “bow down before its amazingness.” I think I’d rather spit on it.”

The man knows his stuff.

“Dawn of the Dead” begins with people running around a television studio talking and well….I had no idea what the hell was going on. I don’t think anybody does. It’s just a completely forgettable scene that isn’t needed. There’s some kind of zombie scene after that at an apartment where a bunch of boring shit happens and some guy’s head explodes when shot. Yeah, great start.

For some reason, 4 people (3 guys and a girl) go to a house and start shooting zombies. There’s one bit where a guy is in a barn and dives and is suddenly outside. Great editing job. The black guy is about to shoot a zombie but sees the out-of-uniform white guy pull up his gun to shoot it so he dives out of the way. A zombie runs into the propellor of the helicopter and gets the side of it’s head cut off, that may sound cool but it’s done in a way that makes you just sigh and hope for better things to come. The white guy gets chewed out and they’re off to the mall.

The 4 break in the mall through the top and the guys leave the woman and go down the stairs. There’s a few zombies around the place and someone explains that after they died they went there because it was a familiar place to them when they lived. Whatever. The guys shoot more zombies and steal shit, then two of the guys decide to start riding trucks around. When I was watching this I had no idea that they intended to block the entrance with them until later, so when I was watching this scene I didn’t know what the hell was going on. The two guys refuse to run over any zombies, noo that would be too easy. The second guy keeps switching trucks for some reason and gets bit, oh lardy! They go back inside and someone says that it takes about three days to die from a zombie bite. Okay. The four of them decide to have some fun while they’re in the mall so they do a bunch of boring shit. The guy finally turns into a zombie and the black guy shoots him. Then the remaining white man and the woman have a romantic dinner. Some bikers come along and want to get in to kill the zombies, this is where the movie shines.

Get ready to watch some of the most boring action you’ll ever see in your life. Bikers ride in and kill zombies. The remaining white guy starts shooting at the bikers for reasons unknown so now it’s a war between the zombies, the bikers, and the fag squad. More zombies are shot and the fag squad get into a car. They drive and shoot more zombies. Sometime later the white guy gets bitten in an elevator and turns into a zombie within five minutes. Three days, right. A guy gets his guts eaten out and would probably be pretty gross if you were three years old. More zombie shooting, the woman gets into the helicopter on the roof. Then the black guy, in a sudden burst of energy, charges with his fists of fury through the zombies with really embarrassing A-Team wannabe music playing full blast. He makes it to the roof with ease and they escape. The end.

The zombies are the slowest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Dead people in real life can move faster than they do. The characters aren’t really introduced; just thrown at you, uncaring of whether you like them or not. The black guy is just a guy you don’t care about, the first white guy is just a guy you don’t care about, the out-of-uniform guy is just a guy you don’t care about, and the woman is a stupid bitch. The zombies are composed of several million people that stumble around with white donut powder on their face. The movie drags on as it’s over two hours and it makes you just wish it would all be over. Maybe Romero’s intention was to see how many suicides he could afflict before the movie ended.

-10/10 (0/10)