“You’re very beautiful,” the boss said to the new secretary. “I’ll bet a lot of men ask you for dates.”
The girl smiled sweetly and replied, “Yes, but I don’t go out with anyone I find unattractive. I let them down nicely by telling them I’m married.”
The boss nodded. “That makes sense. Say, are you busy Saturday night?”
“Yes,” she answered, “I’m getting married.”
– Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don’t, then punch them in the face.
– Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. Then after everyone gives you sympathy remarks tell them you were just kidding and tell them they are all a bunch of queers.
– Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big loogie. then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say “beat that.”
– Inform a co-worker that he wouldn’t make a good hooker then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good ass-fucking.
– Walk around with a big smile on your face while keeping one hand down your pants.
– Answer every question with “fuck if I know” then call the person a racial slur that doesn’t even match their race.
– Brag about the fact that you own a gun and keep playing with your nuts, get them really sweaty , then walk around shaking everyone’s hand.
– Shit on the floor of your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them that it’s the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up and realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.
– Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over the place and yell “It won’t stop!” then when it stops, look down and say “oh.”
10. ask to borrow someon’es pen. take it to the bathroom and stick it in your ass. return it and tell the person to smell it. when they tell you it smells like shit say ” it should i had it in my ass !! “
Oh no! Godzilla is on a rampage in downtown Ida, Michigan! There is no way to stop him! “Well, actually,” said the really smart scientist guy, “there is a way to stop him.” “Really? Hmmm…no, I don’t believe it,” said the big mean general guy, “I say you are a dumb scientist who doesn’t know anything. I think we should blow him out into orbit with my new nukes I got!”
“NO!! You’ll KILL US ALL!!”
“Shut up, you crazy scientist whose plans never involve using my new nukes I got two weeks ago,” said the general. Then he put two fingers in the scientists face and said, “Two!…..do you see? Thats two weeks! Thats a lot of days! Do you realize that I could have had breakfast fourteen times in that span of time?? ….Actually, I did…that just shows you how long that is!”
“Alright, alright,” said the scientist, “you can use your nukes but as soon as they don’t work, I get to do my plan.”
“Yeah, we’ll see….”
They both jump into the general’s suped up “Hummer” and peel out of the trailer park. Suddenly the general stops the car. “That’s far enough, scientist boy. I didn’t buy this hummer so I could chouffer dumb scientists around. I’ll come back if my plan fails. …maybe,” said the general as he pushed the scientist out of the car.
The general (whose name was Bob) sped down Main Street really fast. He was probably going really fast, but he didn’t know for sure because his speedometer was broken. He knew he had to kill Godzilla before Godzilla destoryed the world…or at least downtown Ida. Bob smiled to himself. He didn’t really have any nuclear weapons. He was suprised he fooled the scientist (whose name was Albert).
“I thought scientists were supposed to be smart!” said Bob, “Or at least the smart ones should be…” This puzzled Bob. Why had the scientist smiled? Did he smile? Maybe the scientist had just pretended to smile, just to fool Bob. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” said Bob, as he pulled over next to Godzilla.
Meanwhile, back at the trailer park…
It sure was a long walk to Godzilla, but Albert knew a shortcut….no, he actually didn’t, he just likes to have a positive attitude. He had walked one mile already, and he was only halfway there. he could be there in half an hour, if he walked slow.
Half an hour was exactly how long Bob needed to fill his car’s gas tank with nitro glycerin. He would then offer Godzilla his car, and as soon as Godzilla turned the key…BOOM!! …Or he would just make Godzilla step on the car. The general smiled at himself and thought, “What am I smiling about? Maybe I’m just a happy person.” Just then the general finished filling his car with nitro glycerin. Now all he had to do was make Godzilla step on it.
Just then Albert came over. “I guess I made it just in time, right Bob?” said Albert. “Don’t call me Bob,” said Bob.
“We have to stop Godzilla before he destroys the world!”
“I know that! Now get on top of my car and use this megaphone to talk to Godzilla.”
“Talk?? But…what? What should I say?”
“Talk scientist babble.”
“Umm…okay…ahem,” said Albert into the megaphone.
Godzilla looked over at them.
“Yes, well…,” said Albert, “Um….did you know that the gravitational pull-”
Albert was cut off by the giant explosion that occured when Godzilla jumped on top of the scientist and blew up the car. Bob was kind of smart. He knew that any giant monster hates scientists that want to kill them. They especially hate it when the scientists talk.
Bob, Albert, and Godzilla were all killed in the blast. (or at least Godzilla was, the other two were probably killed when Godzilla jumped on them)
The End
1. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
3. Where there’s a will … I want to be on it.
4. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
5. Don’t drink and drive … You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.
7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
9. Be nice to your kids … They will pick out your nursing home.
10. Always remember you’re unique … Just like everyone else.
11. Horn broken, watch for finger!
12. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot!
13. All generalizations are false!
14. Cover me! I’m changing lanes!
15. I brake for no apparent reason.
16. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
17. I’m not as think as you drunk I am!
18. Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal!
19. We have enough youth! How ’bout a Fountain of Smart?
20. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
21. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!
22. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
23. Dear Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog! Love, Dorothy!
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
26. I love cats…they taste just like chicken!
27. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.
28. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
29. Born free…taxed to death.
30. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
31. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
32. Rehab is for quitters!
33. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
34. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
35. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
36. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
37. All men are idiots, and I married their King!
38. Montana — At least our cows are sane!
39. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
40. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
41. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some!
42. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS…
43. So many pedestrians, so little time.
44. Let’s keep out of touch.
1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8 ) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?”
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”
You know you’re sick when…
– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”
– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.
– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.
– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.
– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis
– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”
– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.
– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on
– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.
– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.
– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.
– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.
– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”
– you get bees up your pants regularly.
– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.
– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.
– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”
—
You know someone in your family is really sick when…
– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.
– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.
– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.
– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.
– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.
– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.
Three Blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”
“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”
Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo were all having lunch together.
Hercules said, “I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can i be sure?”
Snow White agreed, “I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.”
Quasimodo said, “I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest human alive but I’ve never had it confirmed.”
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night & ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest & quasimodo was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Hercules walked up with a smile.
“Well, it’s true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”
Snow White perked up & said, “And I now know for sure that I’m the fairest, for God confirmed it.”
But Quasimodo lifted his sad face & said. “Who is Linda Tripp?”
tuvuwug – n. a smile that blinds
blye – n. a smile that is a sad smile
aigmoor – v. to smile when you first discover you have a penis