A kid is sitting on his bed in his room staring at the wall. His room is a mess and he looks extremely bored….
Kid: “Gosh I’m bored! I’ve already jerked off 12 times in a row, now theres nothing to do.”
The mom is heard offscreen.
Mom: “CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKEN ROOM!”
Kid: “SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’LL CLEAN UP MY ROOM IF YOU BRING ME TO SOME PLACE GOOD.”
Mom: “HELL NO! IF YOU CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM I’LL BRING YOU TO A PLACE THATS CHEAP AND CRAPPY.”
Suddenly a talking large piece of shit appears in the kids room.
Poop: “A-HYUCK! HI THERE!”
Kid: “WHAT THE FUCK?”
Poop: “Here i’ll help ya clean up your room so we can go to Poop E. Pizza!”
Kid: “…..uh ok…whatever.”
They run through the room really fast cleaning everything up.
Poop: “A-HYUCK! NOW LETS GO TO POOP E. PIZZA!”
Suddenly there in Poop E. Pizza and a whole bunch of kids are running around. But they all are sad because the place smells really bad. Also the place is an underground child labor workshop.
Kid: “THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE SHIT!”
Poop: “A-HYUCK! Of course it does! NOW GET TO WORK!”
The piece of shit ties the kid up to a carriage and starts whippin him.
Poop: “YOUR ALL DOGS! WORK HARDER!”
Mom: “Wow….I’m so glad I brought my child to Poop E. Pizza!”
Poop: “A-HYUCK!”
The piece of shit throws pizza topped with shit at allthe kids and all the kids are crying while there getting whipped.
Sweat trickling down the side of his face, down his cheek and onto the side of his gun, Percy the Sniper’s hands were trembling as he pulled a black sweater mask thingy over his face as he took the gun out of its colorful case. “Stupid plastic binding thingys…” he muttered. You could hear his breathing through his ears, as his eyes narrowed and he pumped the gun 50 times, watching the gauge slowly climb.
“My efforts are worthless, now…” Percy the Sniper commented, with a very nervous feeling as he slung a 60 gallon tank over his back, almost dropping it because of the immense weight, filled with the stuff he would need to complete the mission.
All Percy the Sniper had was his gun, the 60 gallon tank and a can of beans, but something he didn’t know about the beans, was that they were alien beans, the one that makes you burp through your ears! But that’s enough about that…that’s a different story…
Percy the Sniper bent down and sat on the beans, and started to tremble uncontrollably as he swallowed the beans, through the out-door. What can I say? He’s a “special” child…
A cold shock hit Percy as he found out it was time to go forth with his mission. Looking through the poorly cut holes of his mask thingy, he saw there was a man tap-dancing on his forehead!!
This was a very odd sight indeed, and his mentor had told him, “One who will fail in his mission and stumble into a hill of beans, would see a figment of a man tap-dancing on his forehead, like straight out of Riverdance!”
Walking, very cautiously, around the urban scenery of the forest, he saw a hill of beans! That did it for Percy. He lowered his gun a few inches, just staring at the beans and remembering what people had told him about the mystical hill of beans…
“You’re going to faiiiiiil! If you see a hill of beans!” “If you see a hill of beans, call me over!” “Hill of beans….hmm…..nope! not real!” the voices kept echoing and memories flashed before his eyes, Percy opened his mouth out of fright.
While in the middle of another memory, Percy heard a crack and a rustle from a tree to the right, and right there, in purple clothes in a branch, was Herbert, the circus elephant!!
Just as Percy was about to run away, a large stream of water came down at him and hit his pants! “Oh boy, this is gonna be hard to explain to the guys at the party…” Percy thought, as he returned fire with an even larger stream of water, from the 3 nozzle Super Soaker, right back at the purple elephant.
The elephant lost his balance as the water struck him in the eye and fell down into the hill of beans, splattering everything around it, with the sick, syrupy, brown, stew thingy that usually comes with beans. Percy didn’t care anymore, he just kept pumping and shooting the water at anything that moved. Chester the Lion, Moo Moo the Cow, Bow Wow the Gorilla, and Suzy the Trapeze Tortoise, all fell to the water that had been barraged at them from the agitated one.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light! Someone took his picture? NO! It was the Aliens! THEY CAME BACK FOR HIM! “NOOOOOOO!!!” Percy screeched in a disturbing tone, as he dropped his water gun and fell to his knees shivering violently, gripping the sides of his head, as if his head was going to blow up.
All was white…so quiet…so bright…what a great rhyme…though its not that great…then, came into focus, was not trees, but a very bright light set straight at his eyes. A faint whisper had been noticed by his keen hearing, “Mr. Percy? Are you awake?” “No…” Percy replied, “I have my eyes open because I’m dead!” Percy had said in a very violent sarcastic remark.
Percy sat up, and looked around at where he was. “Actually, you are!” the whisper had said in a melodic tone. “WHAT?” Percy shrieked in a trembling voice. “What do you mean?”
Across the room, Percy saw 3 figures, covered in shadow. “Who….who are you?” Percy could barely get the words out, as he swallowed. “Why, we’re the Committee of Weird People You Thought Were Dead But Aren’t, but you should know that already!”
One of the shadows came over and turned off the light shining in his face, and in an instant he immediately recognized the 3 figures. From left to right, there was Kurt Kobain, Bob the Giant Squirrel, and Elvis Presley!
“AH!” Percy shrieked as he fell off the table backwards. Percy stood up and hid behind the table he was lying on before, and found that there were lots of chips, pork rinds, and old pizza.
Elvis scratched his hair, and said, “Yo, Percy, what’s wrong? I think that you need to lighten up on that old chocolate pizza we got in the freezer…” Elvis waved a finger at Percy, shaking his head.
“Sunburn…..freezer burn…..” Kurt Cobain randomly said. Bob the Giant Squirrel adjusted in his seat and said, “Kurt! You’re not in Nirvana anymore! You died….but you really didn’t! Remember!??”
Kurt nodded a little bit, “What? Oh…..yeah….sorry….” Percy had an astonished look on his face as he just screamed and slammed against a wall, to find that it was padded. “WHY ARE THERE PADDED WALLS HERE?!” Percy screamed. Elvis shrugged, and said “Well, that’s for Rumpus Time…don’t tell me your forgot THAT too!”
“I gotta get outta here…” Percy thought with a shaking fist, and he grew weak, and slumped down on the floor, and sort of bounced, because of the padding. “The padding…is so plush…” Percy thought as he passed out, thwarted.
…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage
…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
