This game takes ordinary table top soccer and makes it ordinary table top soccer…on your computer!
Graphics:
Nothing special here, but nothing special is really needed to pull off this game.
Sound:
The sound effects makes it feel like your at a real table top soccer field…which isn’t really….possible… It does get annoying after a while when the crowd keeps cheering after a score (especially when its for the other team 6 times in a row)
Gameplay:
This game is actually fairly fun, and is very good for a table top soccer game. Its not good to use only one hand for this game, as you may have delayed reactions sometimes, telling which finger to either press a, z or the space bar (which are close together), so its best to use a and z with you left hand and use the space with your right hand.
Crappiest Part:
What my score usually is at the end of the game (2 minutes long):
(I’m red)
Overall Score:
This delightful game is put very well together, and runs smoothly. Table Top Soccer on your computer will help us on our way to not having to play anything in real life ever again! I give it a:
You are Super Carrot. Super Carrot is a really cool character and this game, coming from Urisoft, is really good compared to the other games this guy has made. Super Carrot starts out in Iraq, and he’s out to make ketchup out of all the tomatos, jump over boiling oil, and run over retractable spikes.
Graphics:
The graphics aren’t very special, but at least they’re mostly original.
Sound:
The music is pretty good, but the sound effects are really good…except for repetitive gun shot noise. Super Carrot sounds like a surfer, and he says all these cool things like “no respect!” or “see ya later alligator, wah!” and “die you mutha!” and “ya’ll die in hell!” and “I feel good!” and “I’m dead!”
Gameplay:
Simple enough. Space jumps and Ctrl shoots the magnum. You have to kill tomatos to get through the level and jump over boiling oil as well. Its sorta funny that Iraq just leaves their oil out like, y’know…and they put boards into the oil so you can jump across it, and its really hard to do that…yeah…
Crappiest Part:
The crappiest part would be how I can’t get past the retractable spikes in the 2nd level.
Overall Score:
This game is swell! This is probably Urisoft’s best game…ever… 8/10.
Game by Smoking Monkey Software, made with Game Maker.
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Overview:
Sticktra 2 is the sequel to the ever-boring yet slightly originallic (original-like, or containing a somewhat original characteristic) Sticktra. So, now you may ask, what has improved in this game? Well, a lot HAS improved…but with its newly implemented improvements, come even more problems.
Graphics:
The graphics are basically the same as the last game. This time there’s a few new things, but they really didn’t take much time to draw.
Sound:
The sound has definitely improved, mainly because the sound effects for the weaponry are gone. There is no real need for them, and they were just too distracting anyhow. The music is good, and there’s also a little ring that you hear when you get a diamond.
Gameplay:
The gameplay is the same as the last one, except this time there’s different weapons. So that means you can hit your space bar in different patterns! Hooray! The point of the whole game I suppose is to get some diamonds so you can horde them up and then give to your dragon back at home that lives in a mountain in your backyard to guard them all. There’s also one new move that I’ve noticed. Wall climbing. Isn’t THAT special?
Crappiest Part:
Probably the crappiest part now is how there’s not much really having you enjoy playing the game. There’s no story, there’s no anything. You just go from room to room killing more and more stupid enemies till you get to the end of the level and go on to the next one. Booooring. After a while there’s really no fun in killing enemies, even with the different weaponry you can choose from, and you’ll just want to run through the levels to get to the next one. Sort of like the first one, but for a completely opposite reason. The first one was too hard, the second one was too easy.
Overall Score:
The game has not improved very much. If some of the sprites were polished, and maybe if there were interesting backgrounds to look at, it would have been more enjoyable.
Game by Smoking Monkey Software, made with Game Maker.
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Overview:
Sticktra is a game that gives you too much information about things you really don’t want to know. Other than that, its not much of a game, because the game is too god damn hard to beat conventionally. So you have to run. Run through each level, and hopefully not die before you get to the end. Sure you can shoot your stupid gun, but what’s the use? It takes 100 bullets to kill a stupid bat.
Graphics:
The graphics are actually not good at all, but since there was a theme, it didn’t look absolutely horrible. It wasn’t that bad.
Sound:
The gunshots are really annoying, but you can avoid them all together, because they don’t help you while you’re running through the level.
Gameplay:
Run, jump, shoot…boring…
Crappiest Part:
How there’s so many fucking enemies. I mean come on. It takes a million bullets to kill one of them, and then you have another million enemies to shoot. So that’s like a billion bullets. You only start out with 700 or something anyhow. If it took less bullets to kill the enemies, it would have been better, because you’d actually kill the enemies instead of running past them
Overall Score:
The game has nothing good or interesting about it. The only thing I like though, is the theme of everything being poorly drawn, and having no real time involved in coloring them. The game does run well though.
Oh no. You’re stranded in space. Well, you’re in for an adventurous not-so-much-an-actual-adventure adventure kind of game. Let me explain what that means. Actually, figure it out yourself.
This is an adventure in space, and you blow up ships owned by these hostile aliens called the Iren, and you travel around by use of black holes and by some chance you always come out in some place where there’s either Iren, or a command ship owned by another alien race that is being attacked by the Iren. Hoopidoo.
Graphics:
They’re ok. They look decent at least, and have a sort of style to them that makes all the ships look shiny. All the different race’s ships are all based on a combination of a different shape and color for each one. Its easy to recognize who is who. There really isn’t any point to any alien races except the Iren, if you ask me. They don’t do anything special, and you don’t see them more than once each. There’s 2 friendly ones, by the way.
Sound:
The sound is alright. There’s a sort of annoying pulsing going around in the background for some reason. But you can learn how to ignore it after a few missions, because by the time you’re in the 3rd mission or so, you’ll be wondering “why am I playing this game?” too much to actually remember about the pulsing sound.
Gameplay:
The gameplay is alright. I didn’t like the “sliding” effect the ships get after you release the direction you want to go. It was hard to actually come to a complete stop or change directions easily. If the “sliding” was put down a little bit, and the ships actually stopped soon after you let go of the arrow keys, it would have given a better feeling to the gameplay.
Throughout the game, there are only 3 chances to upgrade your ship and how many wingmen you have with you. After you beat the game, you are allowed to have cheats (hooray). But I couldn’t figure out how to use the freaking cheats because it seemed like they didn’t work for whatever reason, even though I was pressing shift.
There is one level that is kind of cool, in which the purple aliens (the Tyrin) fight the Iren, and both their command ships are there. Yeah…
Crappiest Part:
The crappiest part of the game is the unrewarding end. After you save some ship that is supposedly yours from the Iren, they just say to go through the last black hole because it supposedly goes home. Then you get to play through the whole game again, with cheats. Who wants to go home when you can be stranded in space AGAIN? I also thought it was unneccessary to have a huge bar thing for your own health and shields. If that information were right next to your ship, like your allies have them, you would be able to see more of the screen. The radar box was fine where it was though.
The crappiest part of the GAMEPLAY is the fucking stupid speech box. Every time one of your wingmen kills and enemy, it pops up a blue box that covers up a corner of the screen. The box gets in the way a lot, and you have to press A constantly so you can get rid of it. There’s no option to turn it off, unfortunately, and it really does take away from the game experience, because you have to see these stupid wingmen saying the same corny things over and over.
All the wingmen say things like this throughout the whole game, over and over:
“Hey there’s another black hole over there, why don’t we just go in there, and hopefully we’ll appear in another area of the universe that has more Iren for us to blow the shit out of then repeat over and over!”
“W00T I’m GAY”
“Another one down! In my pants! I just took a shit in my pants!”
“Oh fuck me, I’m dead. But hey, I respawned again!”
They’re stupid. I almost wanted to sell off all my allies so I didn’t have to put up with their shit anymore, but then I would have lost the game.
Overall Score:
This game is ok. It seemed like it was rushed a bit, and could have been better if there were some actual story, more levels, and no talking wingmen. Once you do beat the game though, you can severely kick some ass through the whole game again. It sends you to a level where an infinite amount of enemies come out, so you can blow the shit out of them as long as you want. I will most likely never play this game again.
This is a shoot’em up side scroller game with some very interesting elements to it. This is obviously a very long game, and is very good because of the quality of the gameplay and the length of it. This is a half-funny half-serious (actually a little more on the funny side) kind of game, and is full of randomness (only in the speech). There’s not a strong story to move it along, but its still good enough to have you play.
Graphics:
The graphics are excellent for this kind of game. You can tell that all the graphics are original except the flames and blowing up things. There was a lot of effort put into the backgrounds as well.
Sound:
The music is good and the sound effects are ok.
Gameplay:
The game plays with the arrow keys and your mouse. There’s a lot of things to this game to play, and a lot of levels to have fun in. There’s also a money thing, where you get money for destroying things, and you buy upgrades with the money. This makes you want to destroy everything in the level so you can get more money to buy stuff.
Crappiest Part:
The guy moves kind of slow when you’re not using the rocket booster, and also it takes a lot of money to get to the next weapon, but I guess that’s a part of the difficulty.
Overall Score:
Despite the odd naming of this game, which has nothing to do with the actual game (as far as I’ve played anyway), unless there’s a giant spoon in a book you have to beat as the boss, this game is a lot of fun and with a save feature, you can continue your quest thing that you’re doing for many weeks to come.
Just like Speed Cookie. It’s pacman but you go fast (speed) and it has nothing to do with cookies (cookie) get it? Speed Cookie. The point of the game is to get to the star thing without hitting the monster things. By the way, some help files just crack me up, so i put a lot of stuff from this one in here.
Background Story (from the help file):
“After Speed Cookie escaped from monster isle he was captured and was put into a lab for experiments. Speed Cookie then was made to drink a potion wich made him flash colours now hes pissed and wants revenge. He bit the mad scientist Speed Cookie then got thrown to the floor and then the mad scientists dog cud went to eat him he then took it away from the dog but the dog was crazy to get him. The scientist was intreeged and was thinking maybe was the taste of speed cookie that the dog wanted to eat him so much. So he rubbed speed cookie with a cloth and the gave it to the dog the dog ate the cloth as qucik as it got given to him. He then started to talk about speed cookie being killed for him to extract the dna and to make him dog food.One night Speed Cookie tried to escape but was confrunted by huge bacteria all of wich are menercinig and trying to stop Speed Cookie. Can you help him escape from the biological lab or will he be dicepeepted and made as new dog food.”
Graphics:
The pac man flashes all the time… I don’t know if thats better or worse than just yellow… I’m gonna say worse cause it’s annoying… sort of.
Sound:
Well… I don’t remember any… lets see… ok there’s two sounds. The first is the cookie exploding sound in the intro (thats the only time I saw cookies..) and the “ugh!” sound when you hit the star. According to the help file, “You have to guide speed cookie to the warp star why dose he say uegh you ask he hates the taste lodged into his mouth.”
Gameplay:
It’s pretty hard to avoid the monsters or “bacteria” as he calls them… I have to put another quote in here about the monsters, “Sucjh as the bacteria from the first game and the all new pain haiting bacterai when he hits the wall he slows down but after a while he flips and gose faster then before.”
Crappiest Part:
How it doesn’t “Snap to a grid” and the monsters act kinda screwy.
Overall Score:
It was a good effort I guess.. I think it needs a better idea, but I liked how he puts all this backstory into a stupid game of avoiding monsters.. I also noticed that there weren’t any “fake exits” to the levels like in the first one… oh well maybe I didn’t play long enough.
Let me tell you right now. If Pac-Man were gay, and he had to go through portals to get to the next stupid level, this is that game. There are no cookies in this game, but there is one thing in the title that is true. Speed. The speed that I want to press the escape button on my keyboard so I don’t have to play this game anymore.
Graphics:
All the sprites were ripped from a Pac-Man game, except the “cut scene,” “title screen,” and the “background.” The title screen and the “cut scene” thing were actually funny, because of how stupid it looked. This is the strongest point of the game.
Sound:
I like the music a lot. It definitely sets the mood for a “Pac-Man in space with ghosts he can’t kill and has a million and 2 lives and has to get to a stupid portal to go to the next level” kind of game.
Gameplay:
Just like Pac-Man except there’s no maze things….and the ghosts go really fast, so its really just chance/luck that you even get to the portal when you even get to it. When you get to like the 5th level or something, you can’t go any farther because the portal doesn’t work so you can’t really beat the game…stupid.
Crappiest Part:
I’d have to say it was the whole idea….
Overall Score:
Its not fun, and its really a wonder why anyone would make such a game like this, and be happy with the final product. Better luck next Pac-Man game, I’d say. There was good drawing though (on the stuff that was original). I give it a:
Captain’s log, 0500. We’re going in a straight line now…with UFos, and about 3 other originally drawn ships coming our way. Also going in a straight line. And asteroids. Everywhere. They’re everywhere! Actually they aren’t, there’s only about 1 or 2 ships at a given time, and a random asteroid flying through every now and then.
Graphics:
The graphics are the same as the first one, but this time I saw a few ships that might’ve been original. Whoopeedoo. Doesn’t hide the fact that this game sucks.
Sound:
The same as the first one, annoying like my sister when she comes into my room asking if she can get a ride to one of her stupid friend’s house so they swim in a swimming pool all day.
Gameplay:
Same as the first one. This is probably the strong point of the game, knowing how to play.
Crappiest Part:
The crappiest part is the whole idea. Space Attacks is gay. It should be called Space Gay, cause that’s what it is. I know they’re transporting dildos to the alien’s homeworld who don’t fucking want human dildos. If they wanted dildos at all, they’d get their own species. They don’t want some long stick thing, they want a flat bumpy thing that you can slap, and waves like jello. Oh wait…I just found the story.
Story:
Killing Osama in the first Space attacks wasn’t enough. Saddam wants revenge, (yes, I am aware that the two are enemies). Fight off hoards of evil UFOs acting on Saddam’s behalf. Stop them before it’s too late… or after it’s too late, whatever’s good for you. Good luck…
what the hell is that?
Overall Score:
Yet again, another failure in the Space Attacks series. But this time around, when you die you don’t go to the credits screen. Hooray! And there’s also different difficulties, so I guess I have to give points for that. More like 1 point for all the improvements, that shouldn’t have been improvements but been in the first one already. 3/10.
Captain’s log, 0500. OMFG UFOS!!!! HELP US HELP US! ASTEROIDS OH NOOOO!! SHOOT THEM DOWN WITH OUR STUPID LASERS THAT WE HAVE TO TIME JUST RIGHT BECAUSE THE UFOS JUST KEEP GOING BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE SCREEN AND SHOOT AT THE SAME TIME!
Graphics:
You just know the graphics are ripped sprites. This was probably made off the 1942 example that is given with Game Maker, too.
Sound:
Annoying as fuck. I had to turn my speakers off because that shit was just so annoying.
Gameplay:
Its simple. You press left and right to dodge the pink circles coming out from the spinning UFOs and space to fire your dinky little laser cannon piece of shit thing and hope that it’ll hit one of them. And as if it wasn’t hard enough, once you get past the first level, guess what? There’s another level! I only got there once, but it was just more of the same shit. Except one plane that looked like it might have been original.
Crappiest Part:
The crappiest part is the stupidity and hardness that somehow are rolled into each other to create this game. Its hard and stupid, and this is a game that no one will like to play. This is the story: Earth is under threat from evil UFOs controlled by members of the Al Quaida terrorist network on the planet, Mars. You must stop them using any means necessary, you are Earth’s last hope, well, actually we have two more of you lined up but you know how it is. Go and kill them!
Overall Score:
A game with a name called Space Attacks doesn’t have very much appeal to give out in the first place. Because its a stupid name, as well. Space isn’t attacking in this game, just some dumb aliens that feel that the large shipment of dildos in the space shuttle shouldn’t get to their home planet because humans are disgusting in that nature. And another annoying thing that happened, was when you died, it went back to the credits screen. When you start up the game, it goes to the credits screen. And you have to press the “main menu” button to go to the main menu each fucking time. 2/10.
No, this game is not called Shit Outta Luck. Its short for Solar System Simulation, which is what it is…a simulation of the solar system. This is supposed to be the basis for the game Resilience.
Graphics:
The graphics in this game are nothing more than a few dots and some text.
Sound:
No sound to be heard. This gives a very realistic viewpoint to the simulation, because in space you can’t hear any music. Wouldn’t it be great though if you can go at lightspeed while listening to Britney Spears? Eh? Eh? How about it?
Gameplay:
Only two things to do…zoom in…and zoom out. Look what you can find if you zoom out for 10 minutes!:
Crappiest Part:
The sun is so small…I wanna see the burning chaos that is our sun. There should be a laser coming off the sun that you could shoot down planets with…! but then it wouldn’t be a solar system simulation then…
Overall Score:
This is a simulation of the solar system. There really isn’t that much you can expect from something like this. Though it could have gotten a little more detail and be a little more exact to what it actually is, it still is something that you can show your science teacher and say “look what I have that is better than having you explain it with your fingers!” It gets a:
The Snarf Game…one in a million…something happens with The Stick Race, and then a stick guy…does junk…
Graphics:
horrible. The main guy has 2 frames + 1 for climbing a ladder. You can see through him too, and the enemies aren’t anything to really like looking at….whatever..
Sound:
no music, and the sounds that are in it are fairly creepy…but funny
Gameplay:
basic, nothing new. It gets annoying sometimes
Crappiest Part:
how when you jump you get caught on the side of the wall sometimes..most of the time..
Overall Score:
The Snarf Game isn’t anything special, and its really easy. I beat it in less than 10 minutes. Its got some funny people behind it. If they make something better, I’d like to play it as well. I give it a:
Snack Invasion is a (not so) fun little game in which you have to click on aliens who came 6,000 light years to steal your Lays, Fritos, Ruffles, Funyuns, Cheetoes, and Doritos. One would wonder why they would do that, when they can just go to any one of the 7 11s, rob the store with their alien laser guns, and get a Grapermelon Slushee while they’re at it. I don’t get it.
Graphics:
The graphics are fine…I really like the bags. They look so realistic. Oh wait, they’re just cropped out.
Sound:
HORRIBLE, AND UN-NEEDED. I don’t need stupid sound effects of chip bags popping out of the strange landscape they call your home. And the annoying “woo woo woo”s of the aliens doesn’t help either. The only good thing is how the aliens make a big explosion sound when they die. Oh wait. THEY DON’T. ALL THEY FUCKING DO IS GO “POOF.” MILLIONS OF YEARS OF TECHNOLOGY AND ALL THEY CAN MAKE THEIR FLYING SAUCERS DO IS GO “POOF” and suck up bags of fucking chips made by a stupid company! You’d at least THINK they’d make themselves not be gay, and make their ships go “KABOOM,” but NOoooooOoooOOOoooo………
Gameplay:
Point, Click, Suck, Dick
Crappiest part:
The web site it is on. Let’s face it. No one goes to eploids.com. As soon as I put this review up, their servers will be overloaded with the less than 3 people that will actually click on the fucking link to go to their site.
This is what PacMan would do if he wanted money…instead of pebbles…and no ghost things….or a wife
Graphics:
The graphics aren’t anything more than a few angles for the main character and the enemies….i can’t even figure out what the enemies are half the time. The only one i recognize to be anything is a pair of eyeballs…this is what Slick Spike looks like:
Sound:
The music is ok. It IS kinda strange though…nothing too interesting to listen to though, because of the frustration that comes with trying to figure out the puzzles in the game.
Gameplay:
The gameplay actually gets increasingly hard, I only made it to level 4, but as you go on with levels, it makes you do puzzles that you did before, and combining it with new puzzles in different ways, so it makes you try to figure out what to do all the time. Supposedly there is 40 levels in this game (as per their web site). The gameplay is THE strong point of this game, it is simple yet hard.
Crappiest Part:
The enemies are really friggin annoying. You have to remember their movements and time everything right. This isn’t necessarily crappy, but its just something that is annoying.
Overall Score:
I can really only imagine what happens over the next 40 levels. It says there is “major bosses” on levels 20 and 30, but i dont know how you can beat any enemies….yeah….whatever, I give it a:
Please note that this is based on the test play version of The Sims Online
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The Sims. Great game, huh? well not really, but apparently everyone else thinks so. Anyways, going online is the next “logical” step, right? Well it might be good if they just made the game multiplayer. That’s what we thought it would be, right? Well it’s really not even the same game. There’s no point in getting skill points. They kind of help you get more money (get to that later), but the money’s not important. Who wants to design a house? It’s boring! Then you have roommates.. That was a good idea, but one always stays on 24/7 and then when you go back on he’s got perfect stats and he’s ben breaking the pinata all bight and bought 5 pizza makers and is raking in all the profits and tells you to give him all your money or he’ll kick you out of the house!! Eh… this isn’t going too well.. I’m gonna organize this into liitle sections..
presentation:
Actually ok, but kinda buggy. it’s got a whole interface for “email” and “instant messages”. Good ideas. I like the whole city idea, where you live in a …city…ok, it’s not too innovative, but I was impressed.
graphics:
whatever! screw it, you all have seen the sims. what i didn’t like is you can’t make your own skins or import them from websites (If you can, then you’re the only one that sees the difference).
sound:
Sucks! I hate the Sims sounds! you have to buy a radio to hear any music, and when you do, you feel like you’re listening to ‘Hit Clips’! Sucks! I hate the retarded “language” the sims have. “blah bloo blee blah?” “Bloo! Bloo! Ble ba ba be bo te!” Shut the hell up! And that tv pisses me off too. another hit clips piece of crap. It shows thes static images of a guy holding a sausage. It’s supposed to be “horror”. I hate it how you can only hear stuff when you’re looking at it, too.
gameplay:
This is the suckkiest part. THIS GAME HAS NO POINT. To me, it seems like the whole object of the game is to get money to buy crappy items that have minigames that you can WATCH your sims play. And “going to work” is the biggest load of crap i ever played. there are three jobs that actually pay good because they’re the interactive ones.
1) pizza maker- This thing blows. ok, theres four people around a table. they each have three ingredients. they might be different sizes, or different altogether. the goal is for everyone to put the right ingredient and size onto the pizza so they are all the same size and it has three required ingredients. Whoppie. You get more money for making a bigger pizza, so of course everyone puts on a large ingredient as soon as they get one. most often the pizza comes out as a charred mess. you can talk to each other during it, too. the typical pizza goes something like this:
Guy1: I got a med doh, sml sauce, and lrg anchovies
Guy2: ss, ss, sc
Guy3: I got cheese!
Guy4: No, I got cheese! I already put it in!
Guy1: what the hell! we don’t even know what size we’re making!
Guy2: Fukin noob!
Guy3: I call cheese!
Guy4: I already did that! you can’t put in two of the same thing!
Guy1: come on guys! guy4, what size did you do?
Guy3: you can’t do cheese cause i just put mine in!
Guy4: I PUT MINE IN FIRST!!
Guy2: Burn it!
Guy1: no! come on! i really need the money! dammit!
but since everyones rushing, it goes more like:
Guy1: md ss la
Guy2: ss ss sc
Guy3: cheese
Guy4: cheese is in
Guy3: cheese in
Guy2: noob! burn!
Guy1: dammit!
my point is it sucks ass. all the jobs are basically the same thing. it basically boils down to a chat program.
conclusion:
for a $50 game and $10 a month, it isn’t worth it. download ninjawalk or something.
Or better yet, since you like the sims so much, buy all the damn expansion packs they keep pulling out thier ass.
Table Top Soccer (PC) (1.1 MiB, 1,619 hits)
