“Let’s hope Dr. Heimlich is a Pistons fan, because they keep choking in the Eastern Conference Finals.”
– Matt Sussman
Tag Archives: Matt Sussman
Forever Repressed: Zero Fluid Motions
Speed Racer: What a crappy day. I think I’ll go back inside. (Walks inside.)
Mr. Game & Watch: Hey bud, you’re walking like me.
Speed Racer: So?
Mr. Game & Watch: That’s my bit! That’s how I walk in Super Smash Bros. Melee!
(Mr. Game & Watch hits the B Button and flips bacon in Speed Racer’s face)
Speed Racer: Ouch! That’s greasy!
(Speed Racer gets in his Mach 5 car)
Speed Racer: IT’S ON!
(Meanwhile, in Hell…)
One-legged Squirrel: Another play with a car? I’ll sit this one out.
Satan: Hey, I’m not slave-driving you to talk.
(Meanwhile, back in the unspecified setting…)
Mr. Game & Watch: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!
(Mr. Game & Watch turns red by hitting the Y button before the match.)
John Tesh: This calls for some quality fightin’ music. You two just get it on, and I’ll take care of the tunes.
(Speed Racer and Mr. Game & Watch stare one another down.)
Speed Racer: Are you ready?
Mr. Game & Watch: Let’s get this over with.
(Speed Racer runs over John Tesh. Mr. Game & Watch makes John Tesh fly off the screen with his smash hammer [B Button].)
Speed Racer: That felt good. Now, I must leave. I have a race.
Mr. Game & Watch: And I’m a guest on Carson Daly’s show.
#21207: CrazyOlDan -> Matt Sussman
CrazyOlDan: Wanna hear a bad joke I just made up one second ago
Matt Sussman: let’s hear it
CrazyOlDan: you have no choice… unless you block me or don’t read the next thing I type
Matt Sussman:: You probably shouldn’t build this up
CrazyOlDan: ok…what do you get when you mix a crucifix and a dresser?
CrazyOlDan: …a cross dresser!
CrazyOlDan: man i am the funniest kid alive
Matt Sussman: This is why you don’t write for me anymore.
Joke #21206: Soy Toy
While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”
“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”
“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”
Forever Repressed: Dog in My Way, Part I
Sophie: You haven’t given me a speaking part in over a year.
Sussman: I haven’t written in over a year.
Sophie: Bullshit. Pet me.
Sussman: Why would I want to do that?
Sophie: Either pet me or I urinate in your shoes.
Sussman: No way, those are my shoes! (Pets Sophie.)
Sophie: Yes, that’s right. That’s where the money is.
(Sussman stops petting Sophie.)
Sophie: What the hell?
Sussman: I want to watch TV.
Sophie: Keep petting me!
Sussman: No, I want to watch some TV.
Sophie: Fine, turn it to American Idol. I love watching that British judge, Simon, make fun of the bad singers.
Sussman: We’re not watching American Idol. We’re watching the NBA Playoffs.
Sophie: That sucks.
Sussman: You suck!
The 2002-03 Cleveland Cavaliers: We suck!
Sophie: Get your candy asses out of here. Come back when you draft LeBron James.
Sussman: That ain’t gonna happen. Memphis is gonna draft LeBron.
Sophie: You callin’ me a liar, bitch?
Sussman: No, I’m callin’ you a BITCH, LIAR!
Sophie: That’s it. Get down on your knees and rub my tummy!
Sussman: Ew, no. I don’t go on the floor. That’s where you live.
Sophie: Come down to my house so I can kick your pasty white ass!
Simon, the British judge: Sophie, I think you have what it takes to be the next order of Chinese food.
Sussman: Exactly as I thought. Take ’em away, Yao.
Yao Ming: (Bumps head on ceiling.)
(Note: No Cavaliers won any basketball games in the making of this film.)
Quote #21204
“This website is probably Scarred for Life’s biggest fans when you talk about websites that I didn’t create… nevertheless, we struck a deal involving no money or hookers.
https://www.squackle.com/
Try and find the stuff from the old Daily Sussman on the site. I know it’s there. No seriously, find it for me, because I do not know where it is.”
– Matt Sussman
Joke #21203: Not a Very Good Polar Bear Joke
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks.”
The bartender served the juice and said, “Here it is, but why the big pause?”
“I don’t know,” the polar bear replied. “I’ve always had them.”
Forever Repressed: Apocalypse Eventually
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I’m tired. I think I’ll stop working.
Car Battery: Now I can retire. The best years are ahead of me! (Dies.)
Bob Hope: That’s why I’m not retiring.
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I was driven around by a very hairy kid for three and a half years. Time to rest on the driveway and do nothing.
(Meanwhile…)
One-legged Squirrel: Life isn’t as great with just one leg.
One-legged Starfish: Well, you only lost one leg.
One-legged Squirrel: So?
One-legged Starfish: I lost four of mine to a jet ski.
One-legged Squirrel: Um… can’t you grow legs back?
One-legged Starfish: Yeah, but it’s hard. Plus I’m in a union.
One-legged Squirrel: Ahhh. So you let management worry about it.
One-legged Starfish: Basically. It’s great to be a well paid echinoderm.
One-legged Squirrel: Hey, my best girl is late. Where do you suppose she is?
Flattened Two-legged Female Squirrel: AACK!
One-legged Squirrel: Oh no, my girlfriend! She has two legs, but she’s flattened!
One-legged Starfish: That would make sense, given her name in the script.
One-legged Squirrel: I will not let you be forgotten! Someone must pay!
One-legged Starfish: Yeah, probably the car that ran her over.
One-legged Squirrel: Perhaps, but it’s faster than me, and it’s already gone. I shall take my anger out on a parked car of the same color.
One-legged Starfish: What color was it?
One-legged Squirrel: How should I know? (Looks around frantically.) There’s a white one. Let’s get it.
(One-legged Squirrel meanders its way towards 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix.)
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Do you hear something, garage door?
Garage Door: (Says nothing. It’s just a normal garage door.)
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Oh, of all the inanimate objects to not have a speaking part… it sure is lonely here. And I’m pretty sure
something’s coming up from behind me.
One-legged Squirrel: It’s me! One of your kind ran over my girlfriend! And since he got away, I’m taking this out on you!
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Who’s saying that? I can’t look behind me.
(Ten minutes later…)
One-legged Squirrel: There’s no escape!
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Holy shit, for a raging lunatic of a squirrel, you sure are slow!
One-legged Squirrel: In the land of dead car batteries, the squirrel with one limb is king!
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
Pat Buchanan: I did.
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: In that case, would you mind giving me a push?
Pat Buchanan: Depends. Will you vote for me in the next election?
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Not on purpose, but hey, you might get lucky again.
Pat Buchanan: Good enough for me.
(Pat Buchanan pushes 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix towards One-legged Squirrel.)
One-legged Squirrel: Uh-oh! Now the car is moving as fast as me, but in the opposite direction! This is one math problem I don’t want to figure out!
Pat Buchanan: Excellent! He’s trying to turn around!
(One-legged Squirrel attempts to turn around, but since he has one leg, it’s really hard.)
One-legged Squirrel: Egads! I will be run over again!
Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Not if I can help it!
(Squirrel in a Wheelchair comes to the rescue, pulls One-legged Squirrel onto his wheelchair.)
One-legged Squirrel: I’m saved!
Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Now we roll to safety!
(Squirrel in a Wheelchair rolls out to the street, only to get run over by a Segway.)
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Keep pushing! We’re almost there!
Pat Buchanan: We already got him.
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well I don’t see him.
Pat Buchanan: We went for that Y-shaped twig, right?
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I don’t think so…
Pat Buchanan: How about that ant hill?
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I really don’t know. It could have been. I need to hear it to know for sure.
Pat Buchanan: I’m tired. I better stop pushing. (Stops pushing.)
One-legged Starfish: GET… OFF… ME!!!
Joke #21201: Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage (From a Man’s Perspective)
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex.
4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!
Quote #21200
“The wonderful thing about fraternities and sororities is that brothers and sisters stick together… until the check bounces.”
– Matt Sussman
Forever Repressed: The Name Game
Nuke Laloosh: The minors blow.
Coco Crisp: Hey, they’re not THAT bad.
Nuke Laloosh: You’d say that. Just look at your name!
Coco Crisp: Whatever you say, “Nuke.” Weren’t you mentored by a guy named Crash?
Nuke Laloosh: Good point.
Stubby Clapp: I once played in a major league game.
Catfish Hunter: Yeah? Well I’m in the Hall of Fame.
Dizzy Dean: And we’re all white.
Coco Crisp: Not me!
Milton Bradley: Or me.
Andruw Jones: The three of us all play center field, we do.
Greg Olson: I was a catcher.
Gregg Olson: I was a pitcher.
Dizzy Dean: Yikes, so many people. This is making me dizzy.
Catfish Hunter: Where’s Yogi?
Yogi Berra: Sorry, this is the earliest I’ve ever been late. (Steals pic-a-nic basket.)
Todd Jones: You guys are all weird.
Forever Repressed: The Last Action Torso
Stanley Steemer: What a dirty carpet. I better get to work.
(Stanley Steemer begins cleaning the carpet.)
(The Farting Mime farts on the carpet)
Stanley Steemer: Oh, come on! I was just done cleaning that!
(The Farting Mime plays the world’s smallest violin)
Stanley Steemer: You’ll never get away with this!
(The Farting Mime points to the Orkin Man, dead as a doornail underneath a parked Kia Spectra)
Stanley Steemer: You ran over the Orkin Man with a Kia Sephia? Man, that’s embarrassing.
Geo Tracker: Well, at least it took the attention away from me.
Stanley Steemer: Only one person can save the day!
(The Farting Mime shakes head in disagreement)
A Voice: I’m here to stop this!
Stanley Steemer: Could it be! It is! It’s Vin Diesel’s Chest!
Vin Diesel’s Chest: That’s right. Now what’s the problem?
(The Farting Mime Lets out a juicy one right on the Oriental rug)
Stanley Steemer: Help us, Vin Diesel’s Chest! He’s farting on the rug that I just cleaned.
Vin Diesel’s Chest: Well, I’ll just have to put a stop to this using my impeccable pecs.
(The Farting Mime Pretends to be trapped in a box)
Vin Diesel’s Chest: Shoot. He’s in a box. How am I going to get to him now?
Geo Tracker: Smoke him out.
Tommy Chong: I’m way ahead of you, man.
(Invisible box fills up with smoke, The Farting Mime busts out of the box.)
Vin Diesel’s Chest: It worked. Now come and get me, you mute freak.
(The Farting Mime Farts right into Vin Diesel’s Chest)
Vin Diesel’s Chest: Do you think that’s going to work? I don’t have a nose.
Tommy Chong: Wow, weird man. He’s like, got no face.
(The Farting Mime Makes a gasping face, then runs away.)
Geo Tracker: I’ll take it from here.
(Geo Tracker Opens driver’s side door)
(The Farting Mime gets in, tries to start the car, but the car explodes.)
Vin Diesel’s Chest: Well, shoot. If I was closer to the explosion, I would jump out of the way just so the camera could get a slo-mo of my massive chest muscles.
Stanley Steemer: You saved the day! But why did the car explode?
Unabomber: I think it was a terrorist.
(Vin Diesel’s Chest floats away heroically, girls faint in their seats.)
Joke #21192: Astronomy Notes
Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the planetarium where we’re going to have another great day of astronomy notes. Looks to be a promising day as I see class hasn’t even started and a kid to my left, the teacher’s right, has already fallen asleep. OK, so class is now underway and his first issue of discussion is yelling at some kid for reading the BG News in class. Talk about taking the bull by the horns. Now we see him display information on the overhead. Personally, I see two things wrong with this. 1) It has words and number on it that no one in this class understands, and 2) The fricken print is about a size six font, it’s too small to even read! How are the students taking to this? Well, the one kid’s still asleep and another is playing games on his calculator. He’s obviously been in this class long enough to know how to pass the time. Kudos to you young man, kudos to you. Back to class at hand though. Let’s listen in with our in-class mic we have secretly attached to the professor. “Be glad you don’t live on Jupiter because if you did, you wouldn’t have a surface to live on, you would weight 2 1/2 times more than what you do here, and you would have about 25 more moons to memorize.”
Well that’s some good information. Obvious. But good. I tell you what, if I didn’t have a surface to stand on, I sure wouldn’t want to live there. Ah, now we see some information we can actually read. This has caught some of the students. One point for the teacher. I believe the students are still in the lead 3-1 however, due to the two kids sleeping and the calculator playing fellow. Well I’ve been part of some boring astronomy classes, but wow. Today’s is just bad. I see some desperate measures are being taken now by the professor as he has resorted to his slides, flipping from one to the next in a flee of unorganization. That’s going to be scored as minus one point for him. Bad form. During his search for the right slide, I believe I heard someone mutter a “Boring.” What a horrible display of teaching skills. And now he shows us a slide of a picture of a planet’s moon and shows his fascination with how it looks like the Death Star from Star Wars. I believe it is time to end this. This day of class has been ended prematurely due to the teachers own stupidity. I can’t even write anymore. I quit. Enjoy the rest of your day, folks. Your final score is…
Well, honestly, who cares?.
Quote #21190
“It’s getting warmer, and do you know what that means? Girls are getting into convertibles and driving them, while talking on cell phones and yelling at their friends on the sidewalks. I wish it was cold again. Bad drivers never drive during the winter because ‘it’s too hard’ or ‘there’s too much snow.’ Once it is no longer coat weather, the dumbest girls come out in tank tops and Dodge Neons and terrorize the streets. It’s horrible and there should be a law against it.”
– Matt Sussman
Joke #21178
A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.
“Silver,” she said.
“Why not gold?”
“Because I want you to come second for once!”