HUSBAND: “No! You can’t have a credit card.”
WIFE: “Why not? Everyone has a charge account. It’s nothing new. Even the Light Brigade charged.”
Tag Archives: husband
Joke #12017
My husband is so cheap! I asked him to buy me an air conditioner to keep cool and what does he get me? A book of horror stories. He told me if I feel warm, to read them and they’ll make my blood run cold.
That’s nothing. My husband is such a miser that when he takes a dollar out of his wallet, the moths fly out!
You Know Your Marriage Is on the Rocks If…
You Know Your Marriage Is on the Rocks If…
– You say to your mate, “I love you,” and you get a reply of, “So do I.”
– You don’t bother to wear your wedding band because it turns your finger green.
– Your husband celebrates your anniversary by going out with the boys.
– You’d rather play bridge with the girls than spend a quiet night at home with your husband.
– You go to the drive-in with your mate and spend two hours just watching the movie.
Joke #11981
WIFE: “Why are you home so early, dear?”
HUSBAND: “The boss fired me today because of illness.”
WIFE: “He fired you because of illness? I don’t get it.”
HUSBAND: “Well, he said he was sick of me.”
Joke #11926
WOMAN: “Joe is a considerate husband. he takes his wife out to eat almost every night.”
MAN: “Considerate? Baloney! Joe’s wife is the world’s worst cook.”
Joke #9308: Child Support
A man frantically calls 911 and says, “Help…my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart”.
The 911 operator asks, “is this her first child?”
To which the man replies, “Of course not, you idiot…this is her husband.”
—
Another version of this joke:
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Joke #9286: Shirley You Can’t Be Serious
“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.
“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley. And I know that’s a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
Joke #9263: Bridge Over the River Quiet
JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . ” Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time because the bus doesn’t leave until morning!”
Joke #9237: A *Real* Dog
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.”
“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Joke #5346
BAD: Your husband’s a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.
#6493: davepoobond -> Holmes
davepoobond: there was this really stupid fundraiser thing yesterday
davepoobond: i came in when they had 2 minutes to donate stuff
davepoobond: to send some kids to camp
davepoobond: “comon these kids need to get sent to camp” “1 week of their LIVES” (they ended up sending 11, out of who knows how many)
davepoobond: and they raised like 7000 dollars
Holmes: hah
davepoobond: it was messed up
davepoobond: and the 7-11 franchisees corporation and franchisees gave them half a million dollars
Holmes: wow
davepoobond: and all they said “thanks, thanks so much” and then he turned to the camera
davepoobond: and then he said something, i dont know what it was cuz i was laughing too hard
Holmes: 7-11…screwing people 7 hours a day, 11 days of the week
davepoobond: and then this pregnant black jewish woman does some stand-up
Holmes: LMAO
davepoobond: she’s a “convert”
Holmes: pregnant black jewish woman?
davepoobond: LOL ya
Holmes: LDKMKLNSLMAO
davepoobond: she was ok, but she was really dumb
davepoobond: and most of her jokes werent even laughed at
davepoobond: as soon as she comes up, shes like “oh, i give a new meaning to labor day, dont i”
davepoobond: and all she did was talk about her in-laws and her husband
Holmes: it’s like “say what you are” and she says “I’m a pregnant black jewish woman” and the whole audience laughs
Holmes: then she makes jokes and no one laughs
davepoobond: i mean, she’s like 9 months pregnant, she could’ve broke water AS she was doing it
Holmes: yeah
davepoobond: that woulda been great to see
davepoobond: “you know, Jewish people can’t whisper -” SPRAYYYYYYYYYY
Holmes: “MY WATER BROKE”
Audience: “HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA”
Holmes: “I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION”
AUDIENCE: “HAHAHAHHA SHE’S PREGANT HAHAHAHHA”
davepoobond: do u know what MDA is
davepoobond: lolll
Holmes: mda?
davepoobond: besides a drug
Holmes: nop
davepoobond: yeah that was the foundation
davepoobond: that was hosting it or whatever
davepoobond: i think ed macmahon was there
Holmes: oh
davepoobond: it was such crap
davepoobond: it was like 4 hours long
davepoobond: and they raised 10 million half-way
Holmes: wow
davepoobond: (i bet it was just inflated though)
davepoobond: they just add 9.9 million here and there
davepoobond: to get people to call
davepoobond: cuz “others are”
Holmes: hehe
Holmes: lmao
———————–
Fun fact: Later on, the bookstore davepoobond works at during college did a fundraiser for the same association to send kids to camp. The association is called the Muscular Dystrophy Association 😛