Stupid: Did you notice how my girlfriend’s voice filled the hall?
Cupid: Yes, I noticed that a lot of people left to make room for it.
Tag Archives: girlfriend
Joke #11305
Q: What did the short-order cook give his girlfriend when they became engaged?
A: A fourteen-karat onion ring.
Joke #11301
Q: What did the snake give his girlfriend on their first date?
A: A good-night hiss.
Joke #11289
“My girlfriend’s name should be Rock.”
“Why?”
“She has a heart of stone.”
Joke #11287
“My girlfriend’s name should be Refrigeratior.”
“Why?”
“She can be cold as ice.”
Joke #11284
“My girlfriend’s name should be Alien.”
“Why?”
“She’s out of this world.”
Joke #11282
Girlfriend: I wish you’d pay a little attention to me.
Boyfriend: I’m paying as little as I can.
Joke #11266
Girl: Honey, this boat leaks.
Boy: only at one end, darling. We’ll just sit at the other end.
Joke #11265
Girl: My boyfriend does bird imitations.
Friend: I didn’t know he was so talented.
Girl: He watches me like a hawk.
Joke #11255
Boyfriend: My New Year’s resolution is not to lose my temper.
Girlfriend: Do you really plan on keeping that resolution?
Boyfriend: Of course!
Girlfriend: Good – then you won’t yell when I tell you that I lost my engagement ring this morning.
Joke #10786
“My girlfriend’s name should be Cannon.”
“Why?”
“She thinks she’s such a big shot.”
Time is Relative
It all depends on how you spend it. When you’re having a bad time, a minute seems more like an hour. And when you’re having a good time, an hour seems more like a minute.
The ten years between 8 and 18 seem to pass more slowly than a snail, but the ten years between 25 and 35 zip past like a hare with a hot foot.
Driving your mother two blocks to the store seems to take forever, but driving your girlfriend 20 miles back to her house after a date doesn’t take long enough.
The 24 hours of a work day drag second by second, but the 24 hours of a Saturday are gone in the time it takes to wind your watch.
The half-hour you spend studying seems more like two hours, but the two hours you spend parked in front of the TV set seem more like a half-hour.
A two-hour date with an ugly girl is too long, but a four-hour date with a pretty girl is too short.
The Ham Pan Story
As told by Mrs. DYKE
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There was this lady that always took off 4 inches the back of her ham. One day, her girlfriends said, “why do you cut the back 4 inches off your ham? You’re not supposed to do that!” She said, “I don’t know, that’s what my mom always did.” So she asked her mom why she cut the back 4 inches of the ham, and her mom said, “because my pan couldn’t hold the last 4 inches of the ham.” That’s the relation between the Opium Wars and my butt
The Outrageous Shark
Most of this was taken from a Johnny Bravo episode, cause I was stupid in 6th grade and thought it was so funny that I should recreate it in word form, in a less funny fashion…yeah…but the other half I made up…Remember, I made this in 1998, when I was in 6th grade…
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One day a shark was hungry, so he went on the beach and asked a mouthful…I mean a lot of people if they wanted to go swimming so he can eat them. But they said, “No way man!! You’re a shark!!” The shark thought, “Hmmmm, I gotta try a new approach.” So he put on a Richard Nixon mask that was big enough to cover someone’s face, but only covered the tip of his nose Then he went to another guy that just got slapped by his girlfriend. Let’s make that X-girlfriend.
The shark said,” Hey!!! Wanna go swimmin’?” Then the guy said,” Hey aren’t you a shark?” The shark said,” Um… no!! I’m Richard Nixon!!!” The guy said, “There are a bunch of teeny weeny bikini girls out there!! Why would I want to go swimming.” Then the shark said, “Well……” Then the guy said, “NO!!!” After that the shark went home disappointed. The foundation of his house was cracked. When he lounged on the floor it cracked some more and made a loud resounding noise through the house. Then he heard all the trout moving downstream in the river next door to his house. The surrounding noise that was resounding his house went over and over and over. The next morning the shark died of boredom and hunger. His house also fell on top of him.
The story you have just read is true. The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
Boyfriend vs. Girlfriend
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
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TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.