Tag Archives: fire

Stories

Johnny Hotfoot Adventures: Staple My Ass

1 Comment
This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series Johnny Hotfoot Adventures

Hi. My name is Johnny Hotfoot, and I work for Satan.

I get paid minimum wage of $7 an hour. That’s the going rate in Hell right now. There’s probably not going to be any increase in it for a while, but hey, I get by.

Now you’re probably wondering who I am, how I died and what I do for a living to get paid $7 an hour in Hell.

Well, I was one of those guys that walked on hot coal, hence the name Johnny Hotfoot. I was a freak at one of those circuses, because I had very large callouses on my feet. I’ve walked on about 300 miles on hot burning coal. You can’t imagine how hard it is to find a decent pair of shoes.

I died because as I was walking on coal, a portal to Hell opened up and I fell in. It doesn’t happen usually, but that time I died. Now, I’m Satan’s “special guy.”  I go and do “special things” for him. Now you’re probably wondering “Why the Hell do I care?” But, you’ll care. Because I’m going to tell you about my zany adventures in a very very long running series on the best site on the internet, Squackle.com!

–

So, its morning.  The huge ball of fire’s dark and evil light shone through my windows.  I live in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto of Hell.  Its not necessarily a bad place, but since about half of the people in Hell are rich, they live in a house that is as big as the Earth.

Hell is not a physical place.  It is a spiritual one, and in the spirit world, everything is different.  There is an endless amount of space and you can do whatever you want.  Except go to Heaven.  No one likes it up there.  You wear dresses and everything and everybody is white.  Its almost like the Puritan’s America, but with clouds and instead of dinky hats, they have halos floating around.

At about 10:00 AM Satan gave me a call on my Hell phone, the Hell version of the Cell Phone.  Not many people know this, but AT&T Wireless supplies us with our phone service.  They, dare I say, signed a deal with the devil.  Hahahaha I crack myself up.

Anywho, Satan said, “yo my bro dawg diggity, go on down to the licka store and buy me some Rolaids.  I got massive heart freeze here, my bro dawg diggity.  Peace out.”  So, I went to the liquor store.

As I was walking in, a group of demons were playing around with some staple guns they bought from the liquor store.  Lucky me, one of the staples strayed and hit me in the ass.  “Ah! Sonuva BITCH!” I yelled as I held my ass.  “Who the FUCK do you think you’re dealin with here, I’m going to rape you all you fucking cocksucking demon stupid ass WHORES!” So I took out my long John and wrapped them up with it.  They couldn’t get away now.

“Oh fuck! You really did it this time Fred!  You’re gonna get us raped and beaten!” One of the demon’s yelled.

 

And so I did.

 

Then, after I finished up, I got some Rolaids for Satan, and gave them to him.  He thanked me.

 

Don’t Do Drugs

 

The End.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Dan is a CPA

Leave a comment

Dan is a CPA.  He is a good CPA.  He spent 20 years of his life in school to become a CPA.  He got a job with the United States government, and he did CPA-ing to its finest.

He was nominated for best CPA at the CPA-award giving awards.  But he lost to some other guy named Fernando, cause Fernando was a Mexican and Dan was white.

So, one day, some of Fernando’s rabid fans threw copious amounts of tequila on his front lawn, and set Dan’s house on fire.

Dan lost his home.

The next day, Dan was called into his boss’ office, and his boss fired him because he had nowhere to send his checks and he doesn’t want homeless people working for him.

Dan was banned from CPA-ing ever again.  So, he borrowed money from the mafia and he didn’t pay back his loan and they broke his skull.

Moral:  Get Direct Deposit.

Stories

Hot Head

Leave a comment

This is a really sexy horror film because the heroine is a little 999-year-old girl played by Pamela Anderson who is the granddaughter of the famous old-time dick Jamal Anderson.  In this picture she can start fires by sending sexy vibrations out of the sexy part of her little brain.  She sets houses and automobiles and banks on fire and burns down several Barbies.  Then men from the defense department come and want to use her as a secret military Popsicle.  They tell her if she helps them they will give her a new moo moo to play with.  But she is too busy fucking down a Paris and French-frying Jim Carrey.  It all comes to an end when she gives up starting fires and decides to grow up and become a sexer.