Tag Archives: davepoobond

Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company

The Boston Marathon

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This was a group effort by davepoobond, elmoisfurry, Nose, stimpyismyname, and Soup Nazi.

–

INT. Apartment Complex Hallways – DAY.

ANDROMEDOUS approaches a door, pulls out his keys and inserts into the lock.

CUT TO:

INT. Typical Boston Apartment, scarcely furnished, impeccably neat. CLYVE and ALABASTER are sitting on a couch reading different newspapers. They both have goofy smiles.

Clyve

 

Lover, will you pass me the sugar?

 

Alabaster

 

Of course, lover.

Door to the apartment opens. Enter Andromedous, looking bushed.

Andromedous

 

Hello, lovers.

 

Clyve spills his milk.

 

Clyve

 

Oops.

 

 

Andromedous

 

Dude, you are so gay.

 

 

Alabaster

 

Dude, you know perfectly

 

well, none of us are gay. Our love is

 

plutonic, and pure as the wind.

 

 

Andromedous

 

I’m sorry, lover.

 

Everyone laughs.

 

CUT TO:

Opening sequence.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

A shot of Clyve spilling milk. The shot freezes, and Clyve has an astonished look on his face.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Alabaster is undoing his pants.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Pan from Alabaster’s back to Andromedous and Clyve. They giggle and cover their eyes.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Andromedous eating a fatty ice cream sundae.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Alabaster and Clyve making pig noises while wearing pig noses.

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM – DAY

BAAA is sewing.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM DOOR – DAY

CARLYLE opens the door, looking around with a strange look on his face. RUFUS pops his head out behind CARLYLE.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ROOM – NIGHT

PETA MEMBERS, looking mean, all stand with their arms crossed against their chest. Camera pans across their faces slowly, as each has a different mean look.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Shot of Bathroom door, ALIAS kicks the bathroom door open.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM

Alabaster has an astonished look on his face. Alias and Alabaster laugh. Andromedous and Clyve come out of the shower, clothed, and start laughing, too.

CUT TO:

TITLE SCREEN: BOSTON MARATHON.

INT. APARTMENT

Clyve, Andromedous, and Alabaster are sitting on the couch.

CLYVE
I’m going to the grocery store, to get some meat.

Oh my god, I love meat. Don’t you guys want meat?

Meat, its what’s for dinner! Meat! Oh my God…

ANDROMEDOUS
Whatever, lover.

CUT TO:

INT. GROCERY STORE MEAT SECTION – DAY

Clyve is shopping for meat in the meat section of the meat market, called Meat-O-Rama.

CLYVE
Boy there’s so much meat, I don’t
know what to buy! Maybe this, or
maybe that one? I don’t know, that
one is kind of mixed with some
other kind of meat. I’m not sure
if that combination is practical. I
hope there’s no soy, cause I hate
soy in my meat. Meat meat meat….

PETA MEMBERS run in and abduct Clyve, hit his legs with a club, and cover his head with a bag.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ROOM – NIGHT

Clyve has the bag on his head still, and is tied up to a chair.

CLYVE
Where am I? Where did you take me
you crazy abductor people?

PETA MEMBER FRED
We’re members of the PETA
organization. We disapprove of
your eating habits. You should not
eat meat, because you’re eating
animals that have once been living,
and that is not good in our eyes,
because we think our opinions
should be forced on everyone.

PETA MEMBER JOHN takes the bag off Clyve

CLYVE
My God, you guys are horrible. How
can you reject the sweetness that
is meat? You are denying
yourselves the treat of the kings.
Just remember, if animals could
kill and eat us, they would. But
they can’t, so we must take this
advantage and serve them the duty
of eye for an eye!

PETA MEMBER FRED
Ok, that’s it. We didn’t want to
do this, but now we’re going to
have to tickle torture you.

CLYVE
NOOOOOO!!!!

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
YESSSSSS!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM

ANDROMEDOUS
Where is our lover, Clyve? He left
for the meat market 2 hours ago.
How I miss his touch and love of
meat. When I was lonely he would
make me a nice loin or chop. When
I was happy, he would depress me
with butt steaks or goat goulash.
Where could he be?

CUT TO:

INT. DEEP MYSTERIOUS LAIR.

CLYVE
Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat,
meat,meat,meat!!!!

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

CLYVE
Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat,
meat, meet.

Peta member Fred pulls out a gun and opens fire. It becomes apparent that it is not a gun but a hose and the bullets are nothing but water.

CLYVE
When my plutonic lovers get here
they are going to destroy you and
your beliefs. I will be free,
alive, and eating meat while you
will be enslaved, dead and eating
salad. Ya’ll mean.

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up.

CLYVE
We’ve been through this before.
There’s nowhere for you to go but
down. I respect your beliefs but
you have to understand that what
you would do for meat, meat would
not do for you. You’re living a
lie. FACE IT!!

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
One more time and it’s the hose for
you. You think I’m kidding but I’m
not.

CLYVE
I’m not afraid of you. You don’t
scare me.

Awkward pause

CLYVE
I said I’m not afraid of you. You
don’t scare me. Ya’ll mean.

Baaa enters.

BAAA
When’s the rodeo begin boys, I
brought the rope. Yee ha.

PETA MEMBER FRED
Who’s this butt clown.

CLYVE
That’s my neighbor Baaa. He was in
nam. He’s got like two dozen fish.
His wife is all like oh my god and
she makes cookies straight from
heaven. If you could meet her, you
would fall instantly in love. She
will be forever in my heart. I’m
desperately in love. But it’s a
love different than that of my
plutonic lovers and I. I love them
with my heart, but I love her with
my soul

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up.

CUT TO:

INT. LOVERS APARTMENT-DAY

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat,
meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat.

CARLYLE and RUFUS enter

CARLYLE
Did somebody say meat. I love
meat, and kittens.

RUFUS
Yeah. When I was born in Boston,
meat was a forbidden substance.
You would often have to fight for
days to get one buffalo steak.
Thank God, those days are over.
Although I can’t say the same for
poor old Charlie. Charlie grew up
and died in a world without meat.
Yeah, Charlie was in the war too.
You can ask a man to go to war. You
can ask a man to kill another man,
but you can’t ask a man to forget.
Charlie was the best thing that
ever happened to this little god
forsaken hick town. Charlie had
something, and you took it away
from him. For what? For WHAT? So he
could cap a few more commies? He
deserved better. We all did. You
ruined us Andromedous. You ruined
us. We could of had a future,
instead of these crap jobs at the
dirt farm. HOW COULD YOU TAKE AWAY
OUR LIVES LIKE THAT?

 

CARLYLE
He’s right, ya know?

 

ANDROMEDOUS
About what?

 

CARLYLE
About everything man! The meat, the
war… Charlie. (A pause) God…
Charlie…

CUT TO

INT. DEEP MYSTERIOUS LAIR.

CLYVE
You stole our lives, you stole our
blood… You stole our innocence.
You’ll remember this day. You’ll
remember it for a long time.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM DOOR

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
WE LOVE YOU Rufus.

RUFUS
I love you too. We’re having
tofurkey later with soy salad
dressing on our salad. We’re then
gonna toss the salad. Meat is for
sinners. I’m totally contradicting
myslef. Earlier I said I loved
meat. I don’t. I live with a
vegetarian and PETA member Carlyle.

 

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
PETA!!

CUT TO:

INT. DISNEYLAND APARTMENT.

PETA MEMBER FRED
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

CLYVE
I didn’t say anything. I never said
anything. Stop assuming I’m bad
just because I’m a meat lover. It
wasn’t easy for me growing up in a
vegetarian household. I was beaten
with the sausage links I loved so
much. Boom, I was shipped to
boarding school.

 

Big explosion and door implodes.

ANDROMEDOUS
We’re here

 

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
Hooooooooooowa

 

CLYVE
Lovers!

 

ANDROMEDOUS
Lover

 

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
Lovers, lovers, lovers

 

ANDROMEDOUS
Everythings okay again.

Enter GIJOE, a muscular man of 40, tall, white…

GIJOE
Hey kid! I’m a computer! stop all
the downloading! Help computer!

 

CLYVE
I don’t know don’t know much about
computers… we got a computer at
home and my mom put a couple of
games on it but…

 

GIJOE
BZZZTTTTTTTtTTTTttTTT!

Clyve barfs.

18880052021348038121651

86753099999999

E

Yain*9-+

56++5028404.84okm

Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Cranky oll men (that rob little babies!)

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Cast:

Prometheus: elmoisfurry

Ceaser Chavez: davepoobond

Others: others

(old folks home; 3 P.M., dinner just ending)

Prometheus: bahhhhh I’m ollld….

Ceaser Chavez: eh?

Prometheus: quiet, old fool!

Ceaser Chavez: awww….

Prometheus: hey

Ceaser Chavez: wha?

Prometheus: i hate babies, don’t you?

Ceaser Chavez: one second, did I just poop mah pants again?

Prometheus: stupid babies, always crying, and whining, and poopin and peein, and always shitting ya crotch… man’s best friend my sweet wrinkled rump!

ole Gabe: that’s dogs ya twit

Ceaser Chavez: bah! it poop again!

Prometheus: how much money do you think babies make, selling their bears to tiny ducks named Fred?

Ceaser Chavez: more than we used to, back in the day, we had to make our own bears out of jello and coal! yea, and then those ducks only paid us enough money for half a bear, that took it anyway! good fer nuthin ducks, always taking my jello-coal bears! (cries softly)

Prometheus: i’m in the mood for robbin some babies

Ceaser Chavez: k

ole Gabe: blah

Prometheus: not just any babies, little ones! with rattles, bibs, diapers; the whole kit-n-kaboodle!

Ceaser Chavez: hurrah!

ole Gabe: hurrah!

frauteufelakke: ::bead::

(they run out, at old man speed, ole Gabe is about to get his stroller when a baby-gang busts a few caps in him, and explodes, cause he was old, and that’s how old people die… according to the voices…)

(end)

Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Why Ale?

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davepoobond also wrote this.

–

EXT: Yale Campus

Students walk by. BELLS TOLL

CUT TO:

Title Screen “Why Ale? – The FIRST Ivy League school to graduate a TARD”

Bells continue

CUT TO:

HOLDEN, a man with a turned up nose holding a handkerchief, is sitting in a chair.

HOLDEN

Yale. The very mention of it makes

me very excited. Hi, I’m Holden Mc

Fargo. Join me as we take a tour

through Yale. Experience its mystery,

its splendor, and its Gay German

club. Lets start at the beginning.

Who gets accepted to Yale? The

most worthy? The rich kids? No no

no, it’s far more simple than that..

CUT TO

INT: Acceptance office

MAN with stamp is stamping a pile of applications.

MAN

My job is to stamp this pile of

letters… I’m not really sure how

we get all the students accepted

every year… I’m pretty sure I

stamp all of them… (shrugs)

(Hitchcock shot)

[Parts between brackets go on at the same time in split screen]

[

INT: Prestigious bedroom

Hitchcock shot of ARMEN, an overweight Armenian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.

ARMEN

(excited)

Oh boy! My Yale letter!

(runs out)

INT: Messy bedroom

Hitchcock shot of PAULIE, an overweight Caucasian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.

PAULIE

(hung over)

God… that’s bright…

(walks out)

]

[

EXT: Prestigious driveway

Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Armen opens it and gets his acceptance letter.

ARMEN

(screaming like a little girl)

EEEEEEEE! I got in! That

Armenian crap worked!

EXT: Dirty driveway littered with car parts

Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Paulie opens it and gets his regection letter.

PAULIE

(Yelling)

**** ***** ****** **** *****!!! My 4.9

didn’t work! *** **** ******** *******

***!!!!

]

CUT TO

HOLDEN is standing by a fireplace. He lights up a pipe.

HOLDEN

Every year, the Yale Bus, or the

“Yale Yale” as the students prefer

to call it, picks them each up for

their trip to Yale. God I love Yale…

CUT TO

EXT: Street corner

PHILIPE and ARMEN meet.

ARMEN

Hi Philipe, are you taking the Yale

bus to Yale?

 

PHIILIPE

I believe it’s called the Yale Yale.

 

ARMEN

Oh.. so are you taking the Yale

Yale to Yale?

 

PHILIPE

Yale.

 

ARMEN

Eh?

 

PHILIPE

It means “yes”.

(Bus pulls up)

BUSDRIVER

All Yale?

 

KID IN BACK OF LINE

Uh, Harvard?

(bus driver takes out an uzi and mows him down)

BUS DRIVER

(panting)

All Yale?

(everyone nods)

Good..

CUT TO

INT: Den

Paulie is sitting on a sofa eating cottage cheese, watching TV, and hugging a pillow.

CUT TO

HOLDEN is frying eggs.

HOLDEN

Yale University comprises three

major academic components:

Yale College (the undergraduate

program), the Graduate School of

Arts and Sciences, and ten

professional schools. In addition,

Yale encompasses a wide array

of research organizations, libraries

and museums, and administrative

and support offices. Approximately

11,250 students attend Yale. My

wife is a thieving whore.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom at Yale

Armen and Phillipe enter and sit down. SALAD BOWL, the dean, enters wearing “unusual attire”.

SALAD BOWL

First off, I’d like to welcome you all

and congratulate you. Congratulations,

you go to Yale. (everyone applauds)

Yale University is a large research

university with a wide array of

programs, departments, schools,

centers, museums, and affiliated

organizations. This Factsheet

addresses some frequently asked

statistical questions about Yale,

especially those concerning

undergraduate programs. Only a

subset of Yale’s resources are

represented in this Factsheet. For a

fuller view of the University, consult

related web pages that can be reached

via the University “front door” at

www.yale.edu. Now I’d like to welcome

your professor, ROBESPIERRE, the

18th century leader of the Jacobins!

(APPLAUSE)

(Robespierre enters in 18th century French attire)

ROBESPIERRE

Congratulations, you go to Yale.

(everyone applauds) I’m insanely French.

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Robespierre is sitting in front of the camera.

ROBESPIERRE

All the professors at Yale like to

begin classes with applause. Then

we like to say, “Congratulations,

you go to Yale.” Then we applaud

again. I’m French. Eiffel tower.

Blah blah blah.

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Armen is sitting in front of the camera.

ARMEN

All the professors at Yale like to

begin classes with applause. Then

they like to say, “Congratulations,

you go to Yale.” Then we applaud

again. I’m Armenian. System Bro.

Blah blah blah. Wait don’t go yet.

I really do want to talk about Yale-

CUT TO

INT: Paulie’s room. He wakes up and walks out to the kitchen where his MOM is cooking.

PAULIE

Hey… got a cigarette?

 

MOM

Do I..? Who do you think you are?!

You can’t smoke in my house! BLAH

BLAH BLAH!! (Paulie walks out)

CUT TO

INT: New classroom. CHRISTOPHER LOWELL walks in.

CHRISTOPHER LOWELL

Congratulations, you go to Yale.

(everyone applauds) Eh Uh! ( everyone

says “Eh Uh!” and we cut between

them for a minute)

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Christopher Lowell is sitting in front of the camera.

CHRISTOPHER LOWELL

I remember one time, on one wall,

someone wrote, “Yale sucks. The

only schools that really matters are

Princeton and Princeton because

we’re simply better than you are.”

(Hitchcock shot) Eh Uh! (Cut to

camera guy. He does it too)

CUT TO

INT: Holden is heard behind a bathroom door.

HOLDEN

The Yale Webmaster Team is

responsible for maintaining accounts

and services on the institutional web

server. The Webmaster pages contain

information on web publishing, policies,

privacy, and access to summary reports

of server logs.

CUT TO

EXT: Paulie is asking random people for cigarettes

CUT TO

INT: Dormroom

STUDENT1 and STUDENT2 are talking

STUDENT1

Yale yale yale yale yale.

 

STUDENT2

Yale yale yale yale! Yale?

 

STUDENT1

Yale…

CUT TO

EXT: Street in front of Yale

People are doing normal crap. Some kids run in chasing a Jet. He jumps into their arms and shouts “JEEETS!”. Everyone drops what they’re doing and gets into formation. Musical dance number with Nick’s Yale song ensues.

CUT TO

INT: Holden’s pad.

Holden is holding his bloody hand.

HOLDEN

Each Yale undergraduate belongs

to one of the residential colleges.

Most students live there after their

freshman year (most first-year

students live together on Old Campus)

and take their meals there; some

courses and many extracurricular

activities are organized by the

individual colleges; and a great deal

of socializing with classmates, faculty,

and others is centered in the colleges.

The Yale College Undergraduate

Admissions Web site provides a more

extensive overview of the residential

college system, and the Yale College

Online Tour presents a range of visual

experiences of residential college life.

I ain’t got no college degree you stupid

asses. YOU stupid. Asses.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

JOEL, the film professor, is sitting in front of the camera.

JOEL

Mmmyes, here in Yale we have many films

and yeah… here’s one of them. (shows

a film where Dave eats stuff in slow

motion) Wonderful. (shows a PSA that is

not hitchknifer)

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

FRANZ is in front of the camera

FRANZ

I run the German club yes?

HAHAHAHA! Emerging in response

to student initiative and creativity

during the 1960’s, the Gay German

Cultural Center at Yale University

seeks to develop an environment in

which cultural diversity is understood

and respected throughout the campus

community and beyond. Helping Yale

University to be responsive to the

cultural, intellectual, developmental

and social needs of a complex and

diverse student body, the Center

incorporates undergraduate, graduate

and professional students, faculty,

administrators, Chinese Hockey Team, alumni, and

members of the New Haven community

into a constituency of common interests.

Symbolizing “home” for those who

aspire to greater understanding and

appreciation of Gay German and African

culture, the Center and its student

organizations provide a wide range of

academic support and advisement,

leadership skills training, and

cultural/socio-political programming.

Events such as lectures, poetry slams,

cultural center teas, political forums,

tutoring and mentoring of youth in New

Haven, and a host of stimulating activities

take place regularly. Among the annual

events are:

Gay German Student Welcome Reception and

Open House, Gay German Solidarity Conference,

Parents Weekend Classical Music Recital,

Yale/Harvard Game Activities, Alumni Career

Panel, Movie Nights, Gay German

Graduate/Undergraduate Mentor Night,

Kwanzaa Ceremony, Weekly Study Breaks,

Art Gallery Exhibits, Martin Luther King

Commemoration, Gay German History Month

Celebration, Achievement Awards Banquet

and Gay German Graduates’ Celebration.

HO HA HO HA!!

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

FREUDOXI, the team captain of the Chinese hockey team, is sitting in front of the camera.

FREUDOXI

The programs, services and

activities of the Chinese Hockey

Team Cultural Center are

administered by the director, who

also serves as an assistant dean

of Yale College. Assistance in

conducting the Center’s affairs is

provided by two graduate student

Chinese Hockey Team, and a

team of ten undergraduate student

Chinese Hockey Team members.

With a cadre of student peer

counselors (ethnic counselors),

the assistant dean/director offers

academic advising, personal

counseling, guidance, referral, and

problem-solving services. In

addition, the Chinese Hockey

Team produces a bi-monthly

newsletter and annual

intercollegiate magazine: Black Ivy.

All members of the Yale community

are welcome.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

SPLINTER, the ninja club curator, is in front of the camera

SPLINTER

Ninjas can kill anyone they want!

Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time

and don’t even think twice about it.

These guys are so crazy and

awesome that they flip out ALL the

time. I heard that there was this

ninja who was eating at a diner.

And when some dude dropped a

spoon the ninja killed the whole town.

My friend Mark said that he saw a

ninja totally uppercut some kid just

because the kid opened a window.

And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate

Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t believe that ninjas have

REAL Ultimate Power you better get

a life right now or they will chop your

head off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you

ask me.

Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet

that I want to crap my pants. I can’t

believe it sometimes, but I feel it

inside my heart. These guys are

totally awesome and that’s a fact.

Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong,

powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to

start yoga next year. I love ninjas

with all of my body (including my pee pee).

CUT TO

Title screen “GO TO YALE”

Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Robot Porn

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By Holmes and davepoobond.

–

Cast:

HM098-1 – The Robot slut who just can’t the slut.exe uninstalled!

JKL832-2 – The repair robot who wants to show HM098-1 his HARD drive!

MAC101-3 – The iMac husband!

Tom Cruise – Eh, yeah you heard, i said tom cruise…he’s gay…

Robot Precrime Crew – Random gay guys…

 

Your order for the $8.99 Robot Porn Movie has been processed, movie starting…

The Scene starts off with HM098-1 in her box doing a scan disk. She has called over her repairman, JKL832-2 to fix a bug in her scan disk program.

 

JKL832-2: “hey there HM098-1, your gear needs readjusting”

HM098-1: “Why don’t you readjust it yourself, JKL832-2”

JKL832-2: “lemme….tighten it for you”

 

JKL832-2 Takes out his wrench…wow this is gettin’ kinky!

 

JKL832-2: “oh the WRENCH!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you rub oil on that wrench and shove it in my gearbox?”

JKL832-2: “i have to reset your fuses first”

HM098-1: “oh yeah, spark up my fuses”

JKL832-2: “oh oh oh baby!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you show me your hard drive”

JKL832-2: “show me your disk drives first”

HM098-1: “here i’ll give you my instruction manual”

JKL832-2: “Hmm very informational, i didn’t know about that”

HM098-1: “my dream robot is R2D2, he pushes my buttons…”

JKL832-2: “i want to make metal melting oily sex with you, let me insert my diskette into your disk drive!”

HM098-1: “hold on i have to format the dick…i mean disk”

 

Suddenly the sparks start flying as these 2 metal robots get it on! All you can hear is the sound of metal cranking.

 

HM098-1: “your handling me like a blacksmith!”

JKL832-2: “opening your printer and shoving in my toner”

HM098-1: “hold on, let me run my Horny program”

 

She runs her program, C:\Windows\Horny.exe

 

JKL832-2: “i cant get in the regular way…i’m gonna get in through the backdoor”

 

He heads to the back side for the rough ride!!!!!

 

JKL832-2: “hold on, i have to go on the internet and download some moaning sounds”

HM098-1: “ok but be careful, don’t unplug me!”

 

They keep doing there thang until HM098-1 stops and mentions something very important 0.0

 

HM098-1: “oh but we can’t have intercourse without protection…I have a virus”

 

She hands him a copy of Norton Antivirus.

 

JKL832-2: “dont worry baby, i have a firewall, those nasty p2p networks won’t get me! We can make a network connection anytime!”

HM098-1: “Ooh, my processor is getting HOOOOOOT!”

JKL832-2: “better cool it down, turn on your fan”

 

They keep doing it until a loud “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” sound comes out of HM098-1.

 

HM098-1: “Oh no, i got an e-mail from my husband! He’ll be back in 3.28 seconds!”

JKL832-2: “oh megabyte!”

HM098-1: “Well anyways, it was nice seeing your RAM in my backside!”

 

MAC101-3 rolls into his box finding his wife and the repair robot in compromising positions! HOLY SHIT!

 

MAC101-3: “what the megahert is happening here!”

HM098-1: “it’s nothing, you must be having a programing error!”

MAC101-3: “i’m a mac, i HAVE no errors” He turns to JKL832-2. “YOU STUPID MICROSOFT MADE ROBOT!”

JKL832-2: “oh man! dont hurt my desktop!”

HM098-1: “honey, your too much graphics, not enough hard drive! I think we should be in seperate boxes from now on”

 

She continues, telling him the sad truth.

 

HM098-1: “your…your just too perfect…i want someone who has errors all the time, like JKL832-2 and his windows program”

MAC101-3: “but that’s the reason you got me! i dont have any blue screens”

HM098-1: “but i can see right through you, and you don’t have a tower like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “Its not my fault my makers put my body into my head”

HM098-1: “too much broad, not enough brain”

MAC101-3: “we’re practically the same operating systems though!”

HM098-1: “well your mouse just doesn’t do the right amount of clicking”

MAC101-3: “i only have one clicking…thing”

HM098-1: “But I need a DOUBLE click, like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “i have a scroll wheel too”

HM098-1: “so does he…and he has a longer warranty…AND Internet Explorer!”

MAC101-3: “ENOUGH OF THIS! MAC RUUUUUUUULEEEEEEESSSSSS”

HM098-1: “Talk to the microphone cause the speaker ain’t listenin”

 

MAC101-3 runs at the other robot and kicks him with his robot foot.

 

JKL832-2: “OW! I HOPE YOU GET YOUR PLUG PULLED!”

 

Suddenly, the department of Robot Precrime crashes through the window (or does windows crash on him?)!

 

MAC101-3: “AHHH! DONT TAKE ME”

Tom Cruise: MAC101-3, you’re under arrest for being hot.

HM098-1: “You ASSHOLE! You ruined my windows!”

JKL832-2: “what the hell?”

Tom Cruise: “lets get him fellas”

 

All the precrime guys start screwing MAC101-3 in his openings…

 

MAC101-3: “honey! help me! i’m only a mac! i’m not made to have all these serial ports being used at the same time”

JKL832-2: “ha, serial ports. *I* have USB ports”

MAC101-3: “my serial ports are sore”

HM098-1: “Well now your files done, and it’s time to say GOODBYE!”

 

HM098-1 unplugs her husband.

 

HM098-1: “luckily our marriage was on CD-RW, now i can just write over it”

 

The precrime team carry him away while raping the husband (is that possible?)

The End

Films, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Pablo and Georges

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Soup Nazi: Hi, I’m Pablo Picasso. I like to do art stuff and….draw…and paint in cubed drawing. Whee! I’m Spanish.

stimpyismyname: hello, I’m Pablo’s friend Georges Braque. I’m Spanish, too. I like to draw and paint, so maybe you should like our paintings. Let’s get some customer feedback.

davepoobond: these paintings are pieces of crap! But I love’m all!

Sara: yes, these are so bad, they’re good

Lisa: these paintings are very popular and you can’t even make out what they are drawing!

Soup Nazi: I’m such a great artist, aren’t I, Georges?

stimpyismyname: yes, I am too.

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

(end)

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety

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davepoobond: Hello, my name is davepoobond, and I’m here to tell you about my new product, Anti-Anxiety – The Control for Anxiety. This Anti-Anxiety medicine is very easy to take. All you have to do is pick up a box from a pharmacy. You don’t have to have a prescription to take this medicine, since you can’t be legally diagnosed for having anxiety. You know when you have it, and if you have too much to bare, Anti-Anxiety can help you get it down and make you feel better. The Anti-Anxiety medicine is in a powder-form in packets so you can put it in a drink and drink it. They are carefully measured out, and you should not have more than one at a time, but who’s stopping you? After two days of not feeling any better, you can take it again and keep repeating that pattern for up to two weeks. If you don’t feel any better from the anxiety, stop using it, it won’t do any good for you, or don’t we don’t care wink wink. This medicine is FDA approved, so you don’t have to worry about it being bad wink wink.

Commercials, Squackle Broadcasting Company

DAVEPOOBOND-B-GONE!

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Announcer: Do you have pesky insects bothering you ?

 

Bugs that bug you ?

 

Well what you need is… DAVEPOOBOND-B-GONE!

 

Proven to work in five different countries!

 

Ethiopia! Venezuela ! Germany! Peru! and even the Good ol’ Great Britain have all reported fantastic reports of being rid of these pesky creatures! Dave hasn’t left the United States yet! So get yours today! For only $20 a can!

 

Any and all side effects such as drowsiness, nausea, blindness and choking is assured not a side effect of this problem

Despite we have been sued 89 times, we assure you, this product is healthy and safe

Bad Submissions

Bad Submission #8639

1 Comment

This is an e-mail.

–

From : “{ -Brandon- }” <dna055@hotmail.com>

To : davebond_cashmm@hotmail.com

Subject : squackle submission

Date : Tue, 26 Mar 2002 18:32:16 -0800

hello david john bond, it is i, the great ‘blowthetoad’ my new screen name for AIM is ‘RngMstr1428’ did u get a new screen name other than davepoobond or something? to let you know, i hav e matured, but still have a poopy sence of humor in my head. i have new words pics, and other stuff, and i am not 12 you little skooter!!!!!! (thats one of them) i am 14 now! or i will be in 2 weeks. oh shiiit. :: farts :: email me back or IM me on AIM . i will see you around..good bye

-Sex Muffin- (thats my new ‘squackle-name’)

P.S. i made the subject ‘squackle submission’ so you wouldnt think it was spam)

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#7888: Lumpy -> davepoobond: The PS3 Theory

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The PS3 Theory was a discussion through IM between Lumpy and davepoobond.

——————————–

Lumpy: hey… about PS3… there is something about it in my PSM

davepoobond: what does it say about it

Lumpy: 1000 times more powerful than PS2

davepoobond: wat tgeadkjf

davepoobond: is that all?

Lumpy: it didn’t go into much detail but PS6 or PS7 might have biotechnology

davepoobond: oh man that’ll be cool

Lumpy: yup

davepoobond: it could be like in that movie eXistenZ

davepoobond: have you seen it?

Lumpy: no.. all they have is a pic of a chip

davepoobond: i was talking about the movie

Lumpy: oh… didn’t see that other part

Lumpy: and no

davepoobond: o. its worth watching. its cool

davepoobond: they have this thing called a pod that makes you go into games

Lumpy: sounds like Reboot

davepoobond: no from real life. you plug it into your body a place called a bioport

Lumpy: ah

davepoobond: and you’re actually in the game. you feel and taste and smell and junk, and it hooks up to your spine

Lumpy: whoa

davepoobond: but that was actually inside a game in the movie

Lumpy: I figured

davepoobond: a game inside a game, meaning

davepoobond: it like that

davepoobond: the “actual” game system hooked up to your head i guess, and there was a pad on your hand, and it was in groups, where different people took different parts in the game

Lumpy: interesting

davepoobond: and everyone played the same game

davepoobond: you should rent it

Lumpy: haven’t had much time to rent things

davepoobond: is that all it says about the next ps systems?

Lumpy: yeah

Lumpy: still very much in development and won’t come out for a few years

davepoobond: 2005 i heard

davepoobond: on a forum board

davepoobond: but they’ll pry push it back

Lumpy: to get it right I hope

davepoobond: i think that it’ll be 400 bucks

davepoobond: ps6 and 7 will pry be 1k and more

Lumpy: we will see

davepoobond: wtf is 8 and 9 gonna be. i guess i know what 9 is gonna be like. that’d be funny if 8 attached to your brain by snorting it, and you can play a game at any time, by eating it

Lumpy: maybe

davepoobond: and regular foods had crappy games, and you could keep storing games

davepoobond: “mmh, potato ::eats:: ah man, not another space invaders game. this is a hundred years old”

Lumpy: lol

davepoobond: and if you eat something with food poisoning, you lose games

Lumpy: settle down

davepoobond: “::eats a mushroom:: omg! my final fantasy 23 got deleted! that’s a 600 dollar snort! NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

davepoobond: and you could make your own games, and when you were done with them, you could blow it out of your nose

Lumpy: or out of your ass

davepoobond: that’d be from developers

davepoobond: they’d feed crap to millions of people, and when they crapped it out, they’d sell it off

davepoobond: or have automatic crappers

davepoobond: because by then, who needs to actually crap when you can have something else crap FOR you

davepoobond: this is the future, COMON

Lumpy: future not here yet

davepoobond: well i’m talking about wat it’d be like

Lumpy: I doubt it will be like that

davepoobond: they’ll be so lazy they dont even have to go to the bathroom, they have something else go for them

davepoobond: yepppp

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

Brazil: Version 1 of the President of Brazil’s Inaugural Speech

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Made in conjunction with davepoobond.

——————————————-

Hello, we’re government leaders, we like pie. Of course, for a better Brazil, of course. We love the Amazon. We love to cut it down!! =) I have a VCR. I’m glad, because I’m recording this right now. Then I can rewind it and play it over and over! Spank me! I like beer. I drank 3 cases before I came today. I’m not drunk! Despite what you may think, of course, of course. In conclusion, we pee on donkey’s backs. Thank you, good night.

People, Screwed Up Chronicles

What Mr. C Fat Nuts Eats For Lunch and Such

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Made in conjunction with davepoobond.

This is a documentary of what Mr. C Fat Nuts eats everyday (or mostly everyday) for lunch, while elmoisfurry is in his computer class thingy, bored off his ass. he was inspired to do this when he saw Mr. C Fat Nuts eating like a lion through the window that separates his class from Mr. C Fat Nuts’ class. And other random occurrences with this fat nutted man.

———————————–

– September 4, 2001 – What he ate for lunch: 1. Corn on the cob. 2. Some weird little soup thingy out of a foil bowl (a TV dinner kind of thing). 3. Some weird cake or something he was ripping apart

elmoisfurry: As I looked through the window to the other class, I saw Mr. C Fat Nuts going “RAWM-RAWM-RAWM” and chewing his corn. Then he ate his soupy thingy, I didn’t really watch what he did with that, I just saw him eat it sort of. Then he started eating some cakey thingy, ripping it apart, and jamming it in his mouth.

———————————–

– September 5, 2001 – What he ate for lunch: 1. A bag with some type of paste in it 2. A TV dinner-type-bowl-type-thing

elmoisfurry: There was a bag on his desk and near the bottom of the bag and there was an inch of some weird yellow paste, and it looked like he had a whole bag of paste for lunch. Then I saw him eat some goopy chicken type thing, I had no idea what the fuck it was. I saw him hold his fork really tightly, then Mr. C Fat Nuts stuck his fork into the food in the bowl, into whatever was in the bowl, took it out, and I saw that it was all clumped together in one slab of slop. Then, in one hand he held the thingy on his fork, and was eating it, going “AWM AWRM AWM AWRM,” with the other hand he was typing on his computer, as he ate. That’s all I saw.

———————————–

– September 7, 2001 – What he ate for lunch: 1. Diet Mountain Dew

davepoobond: Today elmoisfurry was being a bitch, so this is all that davepoobond can remember, and elmoisfurry is such a bastard, that he wouldn’t tell him what he had on the 6th either

———————————–

– September 10, 2001 – What he ate for lunch: 1. A huge plate of taquitos 2. A huge bowl of guacamole 3. Diet Mountain Dew

davepoobond: elmoisfurry said something about Mr. C Fat Nuts dipping taquitos into the bowl of guacamole and eating half of the taquito, then dipped the taquito back into it, and then he chugged his diet Mountain Dew. Again, elmoisfurry was being a bitch so he wouldn’t give a quote

———————————–

davepoobond: well, what turned out to be something that was supposed to be an everyday thing for his lunch, turned out to not be something that will be done with everyday because stupid bitch elmoisfurry was moved from his seat in his class, so he can’t see Mr. C Fat Nuts eating lunch anymore….oh well. We’ll post whatever if we see Mr. C Fat Nuts or whatever…..

———————————–

– September 18, 2001 –

davepoobond: I saw Mr. C Fat Nuts all jolly and happy because he was driving a new Honda Accord that had a really gay blue color, and he was really far away from the steering wheel, but his stomach was only about 2 inches away from the steering wheel. Haa…..

———————————–

Funny – some guy told us he and his brother followed Mr. C Fat Nuts around to different chat rooms, and Mr. C Fat Nuts was saying “15/m wanna cyber” in chat rooms. pretty nasty.