Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, “Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.”
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, “Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.”
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, “Pastor, I will double my last pledge.”
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, “Pastor, I will give $20,000!”
This prompted a deacon to shout, “Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!”
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
“I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
“But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”
A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
“What did you take?” his priest asked.
“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”
“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”
“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son,” replied the old man. “But that flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.” The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…”
– Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.
– Don’t let worry kill you–let the church help.
– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
– For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
– Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
– Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
– The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
– This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
– Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
– This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
– The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
– Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
– The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
– Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
– Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
– The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
– At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
– During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
– The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
– The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
– The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
– The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
– Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
– Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
You know you’re sick when…
– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”
– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.
– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.
– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.
– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis
– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”
– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.
– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on
– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.
– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.
– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.
– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.
– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”
– you get bees up your pants regularly.
– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.
– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.
– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”
—
You know someone in your family is really sick when…
– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.
– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.
– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.
– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.
– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.
– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.
urkitsu – n. a janitor at a church
footyanity – n. an Aussie religion developed a 150 years ago called AFL (Australian Football League) formally known as VFL. It is known as “Aussie Rules” or “Footy”.
Ex. Footy fans go to church (the stadium) and worship the lord (the game) by chanting to each God (each footy team) i.e. “up the mighty blues” for Carlton and wear the appropriate clothing for each god they worship (beanies and scarfs with footy team colours). And it’s not required to attend church (just watch footy on your TV set).
egakioeo – n. a “church” that is underground and closed off by steel gates
defbec – n. a Christian church that glorifies the Devil because he parties harder
chricheton – n. a church so big that its the size of a small town