Tag Archives: candy

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

The Heaven Hell Theory

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Is there such thing as Heaven and Hell? Well, Heaven and Hell aren’t what you think they are. Heaven isn’t some Blue wonderful world with puffy white clouds and people playing Harmonicas. Also they don’t have cute little wings and those yellow circle thingies on there head. Heaven is actually, believe it or not, Candy Land. Yes, it is that board game. I mean why wouldn’t it be? It makes sense, doesn’t it? Candy=Everyone LOVES Candy (except for those weird people that give candy OUT on Halloween…what is up with that)? and Land=uh…it’s…uh…land…made out of…candy…Yeah that’s it, Land made out of candy. And people eat away at the land and when the people eat ALL the candy they drop down to hell for being so greedy. Now Hell is not some flaming hot red place with people running around naked with big red buts. No, it’s a series of tortures. Like the: “Beeping computer torture.” This torture is one of the worst of all time. A person sits at a computer and turns it on. The computer beeps. So the person tries and tries and TRYS to fix it but no matter what, it will still keep beeping and beeping and beeping (it drives them on the brink of insanity). Another torture is the “Brady Bunch Torture” where you watch every single gay episode of the Brady Bunch. This turns you fruity and insane…And yet 1 more torture is the “Pick up Machine Torture”. Ever goes to those arcades and go to that machine with the claw where you put money into and try to grab one of those toys with the claw? Now IMAGINE doing that for ETERNITY and NEVER EVER picking up one of those toys with the claw! Ugh that’s HORRIBLE! Who ever thought up tortures like this? Anyways you are FORCED to do it for eternity…I’ve just officially grossed my self out with thinking of these tortures, I’m done…

Jokes

Joke #5209: Steven Wright Stand Up

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Years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and said “if I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” I said “I don’t know, let me ask Tony.”

 

Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

 

So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes. I really wasn’t into meditating, and she really wasn’t into being alive.

 

I told her I knew when I was gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

 

I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.

 

I headed for the highway and I began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cabin and I opened the door and the guy said “I don’t have much room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?” So I did. And he was really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles an hour and we all got speeding tickets.

 

I have the photograph of my license taken out of focus on purpose. So when the police do stop me they go “…here you can go.”

 

One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

 

I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it?” “Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”

 

I have an answering machine for my phone. When I’m not home and someone calls me up they hear the recording of a busy signal.

 

I lost a buttonhole.