When a golf supply store near our house went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read “Hole in One Golf Supplies.”
Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads “Hole for One Mortuary Supplies.”
10. A twinkie for everyone in the country.
9. Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.
8. Get yourself one a’ them “Pentagon quality” toilet bowls.
7. Buy the biggest trailer in West Virginia, and then put a new BMW on blocks in the front yard.
6. Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you’re still not rich.
5. At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!
4. Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.
3. Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.
2. Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!
1. Donate it to a college. Then they can name a building after you: “Lucky Bastard Hall”
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
Q: What’s faster than a speeding bullet and able to clean tall buildings with a single sponge?
A: Soaperman.
Q: What kind of ghost haunts skyscrapers?
A: High spirits!
“I like to stand around in front of the building and laugh at those babies getting off the school bus”
– from somewhere around davepoobond’s high school
A well-dressed man with a suitcase hailed a cab in New York City and asked to be taken to Times Square, which was only a few blocks away. The trip took a long time and after the cab passed the same buildings for the fourth time, the passenger said, “Hey! What’s the big idea? This trip should have taken ten minutes not two hours.”
“Sorry,” apologized the cabby, “but it’s your own fault. Why do you go around dressed like a tourist when you’re really a native New Yorker?”
Q: What makes the tower of Pisa lean?
A: It never eats!
Q: Where is the headquarters of the Umpires’ Association?
A: The Umpire State Building.
nadiasottoishot – v. the systematic approach of destroying a community by yourself by purchasing homes/buildings one at a time, taking them apart piece by piece, selling the pieces, and then moving on to the next house with the discrete intention of not building anything on top of it, leaving only remnants of the building that once stood there. Although it is a complete waste of money and time, and would probably be cheaper to buy a nuclear bomb, theoretically, you could destroy a nation’s development if repeated enough times.
Q: What do you call a talk show host who is yelling in a burning building?
A: Arson-eeee-oooh!
mitsuima – v. to honk and make a building fall down
hamhed – v. to kick frozen peanuts off a building
I wrote this for English in my senior year of high school in 2004.
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A man with a briefcase walks out onto the sidewalk. In the country Yahoo 57, one of many owned by the corporation Yahoo, the sidewalks moved you along to your destination. The year was 2082, and the man had a calm look on his face. Thirty seconds after getting on the sidewalk, squares formed into a disconnected globe around the top half of the man’s body.
The squares were green, until images started appearing inside the squares. The images started advertising different products that were being sold. The products advertised ranged from hair products to exercise weights. Each commercial didn’t last for more than 5 seconds before another took its place.
As he was transported along the sidewalk, other people on the sides of the road were surrounded by similar green globes, even a baby in its carriage. About 10 minutes later, the man stepped off the sidewalk. After finishing their last messages, the green squares disappeared. On his way into the Yahoo 57 Capital Building, the man had already decided how he would use his next paycheck.
“Oh boy oh boy!” Percy was excited. Today he would be deemed Burger Castle’s Mascot of the month! He glued a wood block to each bare foot and clomped out the door. Since he was payed less than minimum wage, he couldn’t afford shoes. Or a house for that matter. He just lived by a trash can in an alley way near a place called Elm Street.
It wasn’t the award he was excited about. He’s seen it before. You can’t pawn it off for more than 20 cents. But the big thing was the 300% raise you get when you become mascot of the month. That was an increase of 5 dollars! Almost 5 anyway…but that’s not the point. With that kind of money, he could rent some space in a sewer out, without a bathroom.
But that’s besides the point. He knew he had been doing a good job. He did have a Masters Degree in being a mascot. All those ballet classes take a lot out of you…
He hid behind a parked car waiting to find a car he could ride on to Burger Castle. It was pretty hard since it was New York, and pretty much everyone that saw him on their car, punched him off and drove off.
Just then, a blue Cadillac appeared and Percy jumped on top of it. He almost slipped off but grabbed onto the bumper. Luckily the trunk was open, so he got in.
When he saw he was near Burger Castle through the keyhole, he jumped out of the car. Luckily, they weren’t on the freeway, like a few times before.
He clomped down Castle Street toward Burger Castle. When he got there, a baseball hit him in the head. That wasn’t enough to knock down the month’s best mascot! But 253 other baseballs shot at the same time, was. It was a trap! I knew it all the time, of course.
Percy went into a dream…and it was something like this:
“All ABOARD!” said the post office man as he got onto a giant giraffe. “oh no! I’m gonna miss my plane!” said Percy. Percy had a very important meeting with the Scottish Windbag Company about the next shipment of kazoos.
Kazoos were vital to people with the rare disease, “Iwantakazoonowium.” Kazoos were made in China then sent to Denmark for testing and then sent to Scotland. Really nice kazoos came from Japan. Those were sparkly.
Percy hopped onto the girraffe after giving the post man a paper towel, which was the ticket, that had: I am a very important antelope” written on it.
After a couple minutes, the giraffe lifted off the ground and flew into the sky. They kept climbing until they got to Scotland. In this world, Scotland was 500 miles off the ground, floating in the air.
The highest country in the world is Jamaica, since everyone smokes pot there, but that’s besides the point…
When he got off the giraffe, he saluted to the post office man and called for a taxi. Taxies in Scotland are actually anteaters, they clean the streets. Percy hopped on one of them and trudged down to the Scotland Windbag Company’s main building.
They made all type of things at the Scotland Windbag Company, but their most popular products were Whuppi Cushions, kazoos, and Wind Chimes that burp.
When he got off the anteater, he ran down to the building and rang the doorbell. “Who is it!??” the intercom said. “Its me! Percy, from the United Iwantakazoonowium getter-ridders!” The intercom replied, “Oi! We’ve been expectin’ ya, laddy, come right een!” The door opened, but instead of walking into a floor, he slid down on a big slide into a dungeon!
It was a trap! But I knew it all along, of course, of course. “NOOOOOOO” Percy yelled. Percy yelled and yelled and yelled until his lungs blew up! Not because of the fact that he was in a dungeon, but because of the fact theres a big fat guy in leather and a mask on his head, with a whip, walking around a guy that was tied up with nothing but one leather strap! All of a sudden he felt a slap across his face, and he woke up from his terrible nightmare.
You may think Percy was all good now, but you shoulda seen the first person he saw when he looked up! It was Joan Rivers! THAT HORRIBLE BITCH! That did it for Percy, he got knocked out again…
(see what happens in Sniper Problems…)