Talk about cheap restaurants! I ordered hot chocolate and the waiter brought me an empty cup, a match, and a chocolate bar!
Joke #11953
MAN: “A cup of coffee without cream, please.”
WAITER: “We’re out of cream, sir, but I can give you a cup of coffee without milk.”
Joke #11952
Q: How does a musician clean a dirty tuba?
A: With a tuba toothpaste, naturally!
Joke #11951
GIRL: “Did you know that women are smarter than men?”
BOY: “Really? I never knew that.”
GIRL: “There! See what I mean.”
Joke #11950
Q: What happens to illegally parked frogs?
A: They get toad away.
Joke #11949
MAN (to bank teller): “I’d like to borrow some money.”
TELLER: “I’m sorry, but the loan arranger is out.”
MAN: “That’s okay. Let me talk to Tonto.”
Joke #11948
Figure this one out, environmentalists:
What do you do if you see an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?
Confidence Is…
What is confidence, you want to know? Well…confidence is:
– Going to the race track for the first time in your life and betting every penny you have on a 50 to 1 shot.
– Walking through Central Park at night and carrying your life savings in your wallet.
– Spending all your savings on a huge luxury car because you’re the gas shortage won’t last.
– Telling a mugger armed with a gun that you won’t give him your money and he can’t make you.
– Mailing the only copy of a book it took you five years to write to a publisher without putting a return address on the envelope.
– Having an argument with the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World and daring him to lay a hand on you.
Joke #11946
My father taught me to swim when I was five years old. He took me down to the river and threw me in. I wouldn’t have minded, but people were ice skating at the time.
Joke #11945
Two kids were walking to school one day. The first boy said, “I don’t think my parents like me.”
“Why do you say that?” asked his friend.
“Well, when y mother makes me sandwiches, she wraps them in a road map.”
Joke #11944
BARTENDER: “Look, pal, drinking whiskey is slow poison.”
MAN: “That’s okay. I’m in no hurry.”
Joke #11943
Did you hear about the simpleton who put iodine in his wallet because he had a cut in take-home pay?
Joke #11942
JIMMY: “My sister ate some chicken last night.”
TIMMY: “Croquette?”
JIMMY: “No, not yet.”
Joke #11941
CIVIL SERVICE PROVERB:
Old mailmen never die — they just loose their zip.
Joke #11940
Did you hear about the woman who got her head stuck in the washing machine and ended up brainwashed?