I’m not very handy at making things. If I’d have been Noah, the only way I could have saved the animals would have been if God sent down an inflatable rubber raft.
Joke #12683
I can’t seem to do anything right. The other day I shot at a burglar who broke into my house and when the police arrived, they arrested me for assault with a deadly weapon while the burglar escaped.
Joke #12682
I tried to sell my soul to the devil, but he wasn’t interested unless I could give him a package deal.
Joke #12681
It’s tough to go through an identity crisis when you’re apathetic. You don’t know who you are and you couldn’t care less about finding the answer.
Joke #12680
I’ll tell you what kind of luck I have. The only time my pet cat comes home is to have kittens.
Joke #12679
If things keep going the way they are, with my present income and my frugal spending practice, I figure by 1990, I’ll have $200,000 in debts.
Joke #12678
Sometimes I get the feeling no one likes me. Even my clone ran away from home.
Joke #12677
If I went fishing in a mirage, a game warden would probably come along and give me a summons for fishing without a license.
Joke #12676
There’s only one way to describe the amount of money I make in a year. It’s a gross annual outgo.
Joke #12675
We had such a bad winter in New Jersey last year that two penguins showed up at our bird feeder.
Joke #12674
Did you hear about the umpire who kept home plate so clean, you could eat off it?
Joke #12673
Did you hear about the matador who took judo lessons to learn how to throw the bull?
Joke #12672
“My brother, the gymnast, stands on his hands all day.”
“Your brother always did do everything backwards.”
Joke #12671
MANAGER: “He’d be a great fighter if he didn’t have one bad habit. He blocks punches with his chin.”
Joke #12670
Talk about a complete waste of time… why do swimmers shower after practice?