As a soldier approaches a checkpoint in the dark the voice of the sentry suddenly barks, “Halt! Who’s there?”
“I’m an American,” came the reply.
“Is that so? Okay, advance and recite the second verse of the ‘Star Spangled Banner.'”
“It’s, uuuuh, something-something, the morning’s first gleam, tell you the truth I don’t really know it,” came the confession finally.
“Proceed,” said the sentry.
When a golf supply store near our house went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read “Hole in One Golf Supplies.”
Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads “Hole for One Mortuary Supplies.”
On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, “Next time, you drive. I didn’t know where I was going.”
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”
No answer.
“SEEBACK!
The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the list to continue calling the names printed on the other side.
First thing – every single morning – one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone’s horoscope aloud.
“Gwen,” said our boss finally, “you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?”
“Of course not,” Gwen answered. “You know how skeptical we Capricorns are.”
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump. “A what?” says the confused parts guy.
“My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump.”
“A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?”
“A Datsun.”
As the parts guy writes down “Datsun, 28 oz. water pump” the light in his head goes on. “Oh yes ma’am. We’ve got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too.”
“Finally,” she says. “You’re the first place I’ve called that knew what I was talking about.”
“Yes ma’am. That’s because we’re a full-service parts warehouse; it’s our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump,” he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number…
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren’t sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
“Measure the bed frame before you leave,” I told him.
“I don’t have a tape measure.”
“You can use a dollar bill,” I suggested, “each one is six inches long.”
“Can’t,” he replied after digging through his wallet, “I only have a ten.”
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
“Honey, change the channel,” I said, shielding my son’s eyes. “He shouldn’t see this.”
“It’s okay.” my husband replied. “He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.”
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
If College Students Wrote the Bible…
– The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
– The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.
– A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
– Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
– Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
– Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.
– Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
– Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents’ home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, “I have a question.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Mom, when you’re driving,” she asked, “are you ever the idiot?”
For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.
“I know,” she complained. “Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there’s only so much you can pretend you’re doing.”
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”
“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling relieved.
“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class.”
10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
9. She’s been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don’t recall proposing to her.
8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
7. She says she has to tell you something… on Jerry Springer.
6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.
5. Whenever she introduces you it’s always “I would like you to meet an old friend of mine…”
4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
3. Your other girlfriend told you so.
2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, “You haven’t got a clue, do you?”
A hesitant driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp.
Shortly, the traffic thinned out but the driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “Hey, you jerk! The sign says ‘Yield’, not surrender!”