Bud was telling his friend Chuck, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered Chuck. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Quote #21190
“It’s getting warmer, and do you know what that means? Girls are getting into convertibles and driving them, while talking on cell phones and yelling at their friends on the sidewalks. I wish it was cold again. Bad drivers never drive during the winter because ‘it’s too hard’ or ‘there’s too much snow.’ Once it is no longer coat weather, the dumbest girls come out in tank tops and Dodge Neons and terrorize the streets. It’s horrible and there should be a law against it.”
– Matt Sussman
Joke #21189
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says “dam!!”
Joke #21188
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
Joke #21187
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, “no, the steaks are too high.”
Joke #21186
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
Joke #21185
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad… or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.
Joke #21184
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
Joke #21183
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
Joke #21182
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “I’ll man the guns, you drive.”
Joke #21181
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!”
Joke #21180
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Joke #21179
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
Joke #21178
A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.
“Silver,” she said.
“Why not gold?”
“Because I want you to come second for once!”
Joke #21177
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
“Well, that’s great. Just great. Some asshole’s got my pen.”